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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  Widow's Walk - OWC
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  Author    Widow's Walk - OWC  (currently 7961 views)
Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 22nd, 2010, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
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SS members,

Thanks for all the reads! I deeply appreciate them.
I'll do my best to address everyone's comments in one reply...

Steve...LOL on the all W's, I will look into that. I'm glad the mood worked for you.
The story was rushed and I have some ideas for a rewrite, including a clearer plot.

Screenrider...I will gladly accept that rain check. I plan to rewrite Widow's Walk this weekend and polish up the murky plot. Or you can take a stab at Red Sun.

DJ...Yay for bleeding sea water! I will read that link you sent me soonish! I'm glad the atmosphere worked. Now I need to spend as much time retooling the muddy plot. Heh.

Khamana...I think the set up questions you have will mostly be answered if you choose to finish reading the story. I need to clear up the plot. Perhaps you'll give me another read on the revisions.

CM...I will work on clearing up the fuzzy plot this weekend. Thanks!

Herman...Thanks for taking pity on my sad rookie entry. I tend to overwrite and then need to refine it, which is what I will do here this weekend. I enjoyed Memwipe and hope that works out well for you. Yes, the Man is inhabited by the son. I have some ideas to clear up the story. Hope we can exchange more reads in the future.

Scooooooooob! Thanks for the kind words, I will endeavor to improve up on the foundation started here and tighten up the story. Please feel free to PM one of your scripts you'd like me to read of yours!

Hey Me! Thanks for the encouraging words. I will do my level best to unearth the story from the complicated clutter this weekend. My first instinct is to overwrite, I need to work on that.

Gary, Mr. Blonde and Greg. Thanks for all your comments. I'm relieved to know that you all believe there's a solid foundation here and it just needs to be refined.  I've been deep into a third draft of Red Sun, which suffered from the same overwriting (150 pages now down to 110 pages).  I have some ideas to improve Widow's Walk. i will work on it this weekend.

A final word of thanks to all that commented. I have one last batch of the OWC to get through.
Then its back to the dank cellar with Widow's Walk and read backs with members!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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khamanna
Posted: October 22nd, 2010, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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I'll gladly read the rewrite! Just let know.
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Ryan1
Posted: October 22nd, 2010, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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Brett,

Excellent first page.  You really the stage quite vividly here.  I could picture the spooky New England coastline and the eerie house.  Great setup with the "manchild" in the wheelchair and the candles.  Loved this up until Mother's trip to the basement.  Then, things started getting quite muddled.  I think you should have set the stakes better.  What happens when all the candles go out?  Does the man die?  Does the spirit of the boy inside the man die?  The action became very confusing as she ascended the stairs to the widow's walk, as I wasn't exactly sure what was pursuing her.  I think I ran into a similar problem in my script Black Aggie... you had so much backstory in your head, and when you put it on the page, it was clear as day to you.  But, to another reader's eyes, it was a little bewildering.  
I'll just go ahead and admit I did not get the ending at all.  The man at the end was some sort of psychic who was channeling these spirits?  Very jarring to have the cell phone go off, because in my mind all of this was going in in the early 1900s.  So, in that respect, I wish you would have avoided that confusing twist and just stayed within the original timeline.

Not sure why, but I kept thinking of Carpenter's "The Fog" as I read this.   But, good job for a one week assignment.

Ryan
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 22nd, 2010, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ryan1
Brett,

Excellent first page.  You really the stage quite vividly here.  I could picture the spooky New England coastline and the eerie house.  Great setup with the "manchild" in the wheelchair and the candles.  Loved this up until Mother's trip to the basement.  Then, things started getting quite muddled.  

I'll just go ahead and admit I did not get the ending at all.  The man at the end was some sort of psychic who was channeling these spirits?  Very jarring to have the cell phone go off, because in my mind all of this was going in in the early 1900s.  So, in that respect, I wish you would have avoided that confusing twist and just stayed within the original timeline.

Not sure why, but I kept thinking of Carpenter's "The Fog" as I read this.   But, good job for a one week assignment.

Ryan


Hey Ryan!

Holy crap! I'm soooo busted!
I listened to truckloads of John Carpenter soundtracks on loop while I wrote this.
Maybe its a good thing you picked up on that?  Hope so. *gulp*

There is mention of the man wearing modern dress in the wheelchair on page one.
However, I feel like too many threads got buried in overdescription.
I have many revisions in mind and will get to them post haste!

Wow, I am amazed you caught me sleeping with John Carpenter! Amazed!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 25th, 2010, 6:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett, congrats on completing an OWC script.  I thought I had read them all but I missed a few.  Sorry.

I had a real tough time with this, sorry to say.  IMO, it's way overwritten.  It reads like a poem, or a novel.  It's just way too dense for a script.

The dialogue doesn't come off as real at all.  Too strict and formal.

I wish you would have named your characters, as it doesn't read well with the mother, man, etc over and over.

As others have said, it does have a cool feel to it, but it's just way too much unnecessary detail an description for me.

Good effort though..it looks like you did put alot into this and it shows.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 25th, 2010, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Hey Brett, congrats on completing an OWC script.  I thought I had read them all but I missed a few.  Sorry.

I had a real tough time with this, sorry to say.  IMO, it's way overwritten.  It reads like a poem, or a novel.  It's just way too dense for a script.

The dialogue doesn't come off as real at all.  Too strict and formal.

I wish you would have named your characters, as it doesn't read well with the mother, man, etc over and over.

As others have said, it does have a cool feel to it, but it's just way too much unnecessary detail an description for me.

Good effort though..it looks like you did put alot into this and it shows.


Jeff,

Hey there good sir! Thanks for the read!
Its funny I should be looking at this right now.
I just finished a second draft of the story that addresses what you mention here.
I kept it within the OWC rules, but tried to put the advice here to good use.
I'm going to proof it tomorrow then throw it to the screen writing wolves here.
I hope you'll look it over or take a peek at my feature length script.
Feel free to point me towards some of your stuff at your convenience. Cheers!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 25th, 2010, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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Brett, what feature do you have up?
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 25th, 2010, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Brett, what feature do you have up?


Jeff,

Is the link in my signature not working or visible?
Errfff, hope that's not the case. Perhaps I should make it more noticeable.
Anyway, here is the link to the script.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1287179995

Regards,

E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 25th, 2010, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
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I see it.  My bad...didn't look there.  Sorry.
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RayW
Posted: October 27th, 2010, 10:02pm Report to Moderator
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1 - Story: Fantastic! Beautiful story!
2 - Filmable & Budget: Fairly easy. The sets will need to be built as some of the effects are rather unique and large.
Fooling around with water is always a hassle.
3 - Horror & Audience: Dead sea-pirate ghost stories are always good. I don't know how "Horror" story this is. Certainly is dangerous with the swordplay. Might be bouncing around just fantasy. Gotta be careful not to bounce too close to Davy Jones' Locker tales. PoTC meets LoTR. But this has a very unique angle on it. PG-13 should be able to adhered to. Huge audience for this material. Pirates Code challenge criteria - close enough. The setting is going to be a hassle unless you have one picked out already.
4 - Technicals & Format: Turn off your dialog (CONT'D) feature.
5 - Title & Logline: Great title - for another story. As an important structural element within the story, the widow's walk is not key to the story. Logline needs more enticement factor woven into it. How would a seductive ghost or siren sell this story?
General Comments:
A -
Hi-5! We're both getting hit on the same grievances: Too much overwriting and detailed description! I dunno. I read your story just fine, but my palette is crude. I eat raw flesh and dirty carrots straight from the ground, it seems.
B - The "etched glass to magnify the flame" is a fresnel lens. However, fancy words irritate the the delicate eyes of readers (often English majors), so perhaps you should just leave it as is.
C - The mother/father/son relationship are not overtly plain, but amply suggested through dialog (more important) and action lines. The story immerses us right into the middle of a situation, which is fine by me, but grieves many lacking imagination to "fill in the gaps".
I have it. I'm good.
But most don't.
Tailor your work to the greater audience. (When you figure it out, let me know. I'm having trouble myself!)
D - FWIW, "A candle goes dark. Seven burn." makes sense to me. Three of ten candles have been blown out, seven remain burning.



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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 6th, 2010, 9:54am Report to Moderator
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***NEW DRAFT UPLOADED***

Greetings fellows SS gluttons for punishment!

I had a blast participating in my first OWC.
I am grateful for those that took the time to give my ramblings a read.
I took all that nifty constructive criticism and I put it to work.
For the new draft, I decided to retain the spirit of the OWC rules.
Personally, I feel I am a better writer when contending with constraints.
I hope those that give me a second chance enjoy the changes that I made.
Feel free to point me towards any of your scribbles you'd like me to peruse.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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khamanna
Posted: November 6th, 2010, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hi E.D.

Just read your story. It was easy to read it this time. Some of the description I could not understand (and maybe it's just me)  but it didn't slow down the read for me. --In general I don't like too many visuals if these are not part of the story or if they do not forward the story. I know some find visuals fascinating but for me they just stand in a way of a story. Generally speaking.

The story is nice - the Man had to get rid of his childhood fears, and the only way to do it is to return to the house and face his father. I liked the fact that you didn't give much explanation to how he reincarnated his mother, and why his father had to come back for them. You did say something about that exact day which is enough.

The only thing - what did his father do to them? Did I miss it? I'm kind of curious and think it would be good to include that too.
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c m hall
Posted: November 6th, 2010, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS
a few disjointed notes on the revised version:
You keep the "other worldy" tone very convincingly -- and I love the descriptions of the house.
The ocean/people imagery has tremendous power, I found myself hoping that Edward would turn into  something like foamy water or seaweed -- ash is a cruel fate for a sea going man, for sure.
The ending is very good, I think; the haunting, through the generations, being released from it, finally, that's how I read it, anyway.
The word "torso" suggests a ship's figurehead, somehow that works, too.
Good story.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 9th, 2010, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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Khamanna and CM,

Much thanks for taking a gander at the revised edition of Widow's Walk.
This is how I hoped it would read for the actual competition.
However, I had an unwanted drama twinkie unexpected house guest that Friday.
I lost a few days dealing with his crap and barely made the deadline at all.
Giving all that, I wanted to stay within the OWC rules for this second pass.

Khamanna...
I'm glad the story read easier this time. The first pass was a tad thick, I admit.
When I sat down with this idea, I wanted to tell a complete story.
Despite the short length, Widow's Walk does have a three act structure.
Act I: The Circle. Act II: The Cellar & Act III: The Widow's Walk.
I managed to squeeze in an epilogue back at the circle too.
To do this, I had to come into the story as late as possible.
So I tried to visually give as much info as I could without explaining details.
I'm pleased this style worked for you on the second time around.
Apparently, there was one part I did not quite get across properly.
The Man uses a cell phone at the end, the painting was created in 1910.
There's a few generations in between the action, but the fears are still there.
It's suggested in the story that Edward abused Miles because he is an invalid.
Edward resented having a weak son and pride twisted his heart.

CM Hall...
I'm thrilled to hear the second draft worked well for you.
I know its a bit dense, but I wanted to squeeze a complete story in ten pages.
Haunting through the generations, a hundred years, I like the sound of that.
I figured dating the painting and the Man's modern clothes would get that across.
Oh, I like your take on the word, torso. That works for me!

Thank you both lots for the second look at this one.
I think getting feedback on a revision is at least as important as on the first draft.
If there's anything you'd like me to look at, please don't hesitate to PM me.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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khamanna
Posted: November 9th, 2010, 11:05am Report to Moderator
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Hi again,

It didn't "read easier" - it was an easy read - it read just fine!
And I wasn't confused at the end - the cell phone done its job. But I did think Edward and the other woman were his parents. Mainly because he calls her mom and I don't know, didn't he call him dad as well? So I get it you're saying - she was his mother and Edward was a house spirit, one of the abusive ancestors. Same thing actually just a bit different.

If it was his father it would be more personal, painful for Miles, I think... --just a thought, it's your story...
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