SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 7:37am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  Widow's Walk - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Widow's Walk - OWC  (currently 7964 views)
Don
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Widow's Walk by Brett Martin (electric dreamer) - Short, Horror - A mother has just one night to confront the demons of her past and save her son. - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  November 6th, 2010, 6:13am
Revised script
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
stevie
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
Hi Brett!?  I didn't know that was your real name!

Um, wow, this had a great buildup, the descriptions very good, invoking a real salty feel about it, of shipwrecks and ghosts and stuff.
But when the mysterious figure appeared, it all happened pretty fast and I sort of lost the thread a bit.
For a moment I thought the bulkhead in the cellar was the reamains of a ship wedged fast - the clipper from the painting?

Yeah, I might to re-read this cos I ended up a bit lost on it. Nice writing though, set th escene very well.
One thing: in the first scene, you have 11 words starting with W? Maybe not a big deal to others, but i noticed it straight away. If read out loud, this could make it sound...odd. Luckily, the wheel chair didn't appear till the second scene!

Nice effort

stevie



Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 58
screenrider
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Brett,

I had a really hard time following this one.  I've read so many of these damned scripts I can't even think straight anymore.   Sorry.  I owe you a read.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 2 - 58
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 10:30pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1522
Posts Per Day
0.31
It  is an interesting read. Moody, and then come the ACTION! and it had some nice effect!
I wondered where you were going with this, wondered, wondered some more, then I was just..."wandering". Case to be made: check out ps 7-8. I know there are some folks who are not fans of "stacking" but it's perfectly legal. That's what needs to done here in my view. Stacking works well for suspense purposes. It feels like you combined the short sentences on one line and it read awkward to me.

Like this:

The flame burns.

The figure rises up through the hatch.

Mother closes the glass pane.

The glow strengthens.

The shadowy shape levels the cutlass to strike her down.


This is an interesting one. Didn't really grab me, but it's nice.
BTW, you get a brownie point for a ghost that bleeds seawater.

Cheers
DjS




"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 3 - 58
khamanna
Posted: October 20th, 2010, 12:29am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
P1 - The clothing and the scenery is much too detailed - I'll be waiting to see if it's to foreshadow something.

Mother wears a white frock and a black dress. I thought "frock" means dress. Maybe it means something else too but the first thing that come to mind "dress".

"Germanic" - It's correct but I think "German" would be better choice, most of us use "German".

At first I was very much confused who "the man" was on the picture. At first I thought it was "the father". Then understood it's the son. Why don't you state so, you say that the son is "moonfaced", having "the man" "moonfaced" too would clear it up.

p2 - You parenthesize a bit excessively I think. Which would be okay but your piece is complicated as it is and I would keep the narrative as simple as possible because it's already complicated.

p3 "a candle goes dark. Seven burn" - I may be slow but I don't understand "seven burn".

I'll give it another read again, it's late and I don't want fatigue stand on a way.

It's atmospheric so far but I'd keep the narrative simple.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 58
jwent6688
Posted: October 20th, 2010, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Wherever I go, there Jwent.

Posts
1858
Posts Per Day
0.33
Wow, see you've only had four reads. Yet, you seem to have read most.

I thought this was a bit over-written. Very action heavy. Some of it repetitive, on purpose I'm sure. You had a great idea for tension. This must be finished by the time the last candle burns out. I just didn't feel it because I wasn't quite sure what was going on.

This script needs a better lead in. Let us know what the old man is trying to do at the front. Then we'll cheer for him, as we watch the clock tick. Building tension. You could put people at the edge of your seat. Since I didn't know, the great idea of the candles was lost on me.

As far as to why his mother's spirit is so tormented by his father, at least what I got from it, I'm at a loss. Could use more explanation with some pages now that OWC is over.

Overall, just okay for me. Was very action heavy. That made it a slow paced read and some of your description were a bit hard to visualize.

It fit the requirements and was written in a week. So, Good job.

James


Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 58
Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 21st, 2010, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55

Quoted from jwent6688
Wow, see you've only had four reads. Yet, you seem to have read most.
This script needs a better lead in. Let us know what the old man is trying to do at the front. Then we'll cheer for him, as we watch the clock tick. Building tension. You could put people at the edge of your seat. Since I didn't know, the great idea of the candles was lost on me.


James,

Thanks for the read. I appreciate you taking the time.
I've read 30+ OWC scripts so far and got three read backs. Meh.
It's a bit discouraging but I'll hang in there.
I know I've only been here six weeks, but I read two scripts a day, mostly features.
I'm trying to establish a presence here so people will read my stuff in return.

You are right, this was ambitious, but rushed.
An unexpected hosue guest totally threw off my writing schedule.
Still, its no excuse for not getting back in there and reworking the story.
Thanks lots for the constructive criticism.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 58
jwent6688
Posted: October 21st, 2010, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Wherever I go, there Jwent.

Posts
1858
Posts Per Day
0.33

Quoted from Electric Dreamer
Thanks for the read. I appreciate you taking the time.
I've read 30+ OWC scripts so far and got three read backs. Meh.
It's a bit discouraging but I'll hang in there.


Most OWC's are anonymous. Guess since your a newbie, kinda, that would've gotten you more reads. Yours only has 89 views at this point. Phil (Doggelbe) 756, he's been here since the beginning of time. Me, 340, been here two years. If reads is what you want, just keep at it.

James



Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 58
c m hall
Posted: October 21st, 2010, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
peninsula of Jersey
Posts
422
Posts Per Day
0.08
Although I like the story very much,  I think the descriptions slow down the story too much -- and excessive use of exclamation points always makes me think I'm reading a comic book.

Without all of the padding of descriptive language I think your story would shine and enchant the audience.  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 58
Coding Herman
Posted: October 21st, 2010, 8:36pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Toronto, Canada
Posts
455
Posts Per Day
0.09
Hey Brett, I feel sorry that you only have 7 reads. So here's mine.

The beginning was very atmospheric and almost surreal. But once I hit page 5, I had a very hard time following what's going on in the cellar. And then on page 6, which those huge amount of black text, I just skimmed through it since I probably wouldn't get it either.

I think the major problem is your writing, well too descriptive. Try shorter, snappier words.

I also didn't understand the story. Was the Man possessed by the Mother's son?

I think there is a good story here, but a simpler execution and narrative would be better. Sorry if I couldn't be of more help.


Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 58
Scoob
Posted: October 21st, 2010, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Location
UK
Posts
583
Posts Per Day
0.08
Hi Brett,

Must say I enjoyed the whole script. Such great descriptions. Fog-like creepy atmosphere. Turned into a real page turner.
I thought the story worked fine, I liked the look of the structure you used and how you write. Perfect use of the stormy night theme.
Definitely one of my favorites from what I've read so far.

Great job

Malc



Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 58
Grandma Bear
Posted: October 21st, 2010, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7961
Posts Per Day
1.36
Brett,

I actually read this before you stated how many reads you had received. I have seen you reading a lot around here including the 7WC scripts which are difficult since they are not only features, but pretty close to first drafts as well. I absolutely wanted to pay you back.

I've had construction workers at my house for the last week so I've been sort of scatterbrained. I read a lot, but get interupted a lot and don't take notes. Please forgive me.

In regards to your story, my first impression was that I liked it. I liked the atmosphere that you created and the story itself. I do have some suggestions however. You are way too descriptive IMHO. I can't remember the exact words right now, but I think you understand what I mean from this sample. You describe the lantern as having a feeble light and then shortly there after it has a weak (or such) light. That is telling us the same thing about the lantern. There's no need to describe things over and over unless there is a change. Work on your descriptions some. They are good, just too wordy. I did get the feel for the place, but the descriptions slowed down the pace.

You also describe the Man at some point as being unconcious. I think it would work better if he's just asleep or just not moving. Unconcious is more of a trauma or medical issue and IMO doesn't work with how he seems fine in the end.

I made this same comment about one of these other OWC scripts and that is that I think we need to know why he is in this house to begin with. Why would a Man in an old wheelchair be here on this particular night? You might think I'm stupid for not getting that from the story, but to me, it seems the Man would be safer if he had stayed home. I don't think this is is home, right?...

Kudos for having a fire station/stripper pole in your script!!  

You did good. Just need to sharpen and tighten a bit here and there.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 58
greg
Posted: October 22nd, 2010, 12:09am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Oh Hi

Location
San Diego, California
Posts
1680
Posts Per Day
0.24
Brett,

There's some interesting ideas in here and some good imagery but my main issue is that this is very overwritten.  It's moody and atmospheric, but not the easiest to read with extensive descriptions and light dialogue.  Say what needs to be said to describe the scene by the simplest means and then continue on.  The dialogue when it was there wasn't bad.  I will give you props on completing this and for illustrating some good ideas in here, so I think a rewrite where you cut down on some of those descriptions can do you wonders.

Nice job.

Greg


Be excellent to each other
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 58
Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 22nd, 2010, 9:34am Report to Moderator
Administrator


What good are choices if they're all bad?

Location
Nowhere special.
Posts
3064
Posts Per Day
0.57
This script, while good, does suffers from the large amounts of detail. It's a good idea and I like the candle thing, but there were a couple times where you almost lost me, plot-wise. It had some good ideas and the exclamation points didn't bother me like they bothered other people, but I prefer for a picture to not be drawn for me. There's alot of people who think the exact opposite so try and please them, more, but you do have something good here. =)


Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 58
grademan
Posted: October 22nd, 2010, 11:28am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.16
Hey Brett!

Nice creepy atmosphere here
Overly rich descriptions.
Hard to follow towards the end
No REASON to CAP everything
No reason to use (so many) exclamation marks in narrative!

FINE effort for your first OWC.

Gary
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 58
Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 22nd, 2010, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55
SS members,

Thanks for all the reads! I deeply appreciate them.
I'll do my best to address everyone's comments in one reply...

Steve...LOL on the all W's, I will look into that. I'm glad the mood worked for you.
The story was rushed and I have some ideas for a rewrite, including a clearer plot.

Screenrider...I will gladly accept that rain check. I plan to rewrite Widow's Walk this weekend and polish up the murky plot. Or you can take a stab at Red Sun.

DJ...Yay for bleeding sea water! I will read that link you sent me soonish! I'm glad the atmosphere worked. Now I need to spend as much time retooling the muddy plot. Heh.

Khamana...I think the set up questions you have will mostly be answered if you choose to finish reading the story. I need to clear up the plot. Perhaps you'll give me another read on the revisions.

CM...I will work on clearing up the fuzzy plot this weekend. Thanks!

Herman...Thanks for taking pity on my sad rookie entry. I tend to overwrite and then need to refine it, which is what I will do here this weekend. I enjoyed Memwipe and hope that works out well for you. Yes, the Man is inhabited by the son. I have some ideas to clear up the story. Hope we can exchange more reads in the future.

Scooooooooob! Thanks for the kind words, I will endeavor to improve up on the foundation started here and tighten up the story. Please feel free to PM one of your scripts you'd like me to read of yours!

Hey Me! Thanks for the encouraging words. I will do my level best to unearth the story from the complicated clutter this weekend. My first instinct is to overwrite, I need to work on that.

Gary, Mr. Blonde and Greg. Thanks for all your comments. I'm relieved to know that you all believe there's a solid foundation here and it just needs to be refined.  I've been deep into a third draft of Red Sun, which suffered from the same overwriting (150 pages now down to 110 pages).  I have some ideas to improve Widow's Walk. i will work on it this weekend.

A final word of thanks to all that commented. I have one last batch of the OWC to get through.
Then its back to the dank cellar with Widow's Walk and read backs with members!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 15 - 58
khamanna
Posted: October 22nd, 2010, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
I'll gladly read the rewrite! Just let know.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 58
Ryan1
Posted: October 22nd, 2010, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1098
Posts Per Day
0.22
Brett,

Excellent first page.  You really the stage quite vividly here.  I could picture the spooky New England coastline and the eerie house.  Great setup with the "manchild" in the wheelchair and the candles.  Loved this up until Mother's trip to the basement.  Then, things started getting quite muddled.  I think you should have set the stakes better.  What happens when all the candles go out?  Does the man die?  Does the spirit of the boy inside the man die?  The action became very confusing as she ascended the stairs to the widow's walk, as I wasn't exactly sure what was pursuing her.  I think I ran into a similar problem in my script Black Aggie... you had so much backstory in your head, and when you put it on the page, it was clear as day to you.  But, to another reader's eyes, it was a little bewildering.  
I'll just go ahead and admit I did not get the ending at all.  The man at the end was some sort of psychic who was channeling these spirits?  Very jarring to have the cell phone go off, because in my mind all of this was going in in the early 1900s.  So, in that respect, I wish you would have avoided that confusing twist and just stayed within the original timeline.

Not sure why, but I kept thinking of Carpenter's "The Fog" as I read this.   But, good job for a one week assignment.

Ryan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 58
Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 22nd, 2010, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55

Quoted from Ryan1
Brett,

Excellent first page.  You really the stage quite vividly here.  I could picture the spooky New England coastline and the eerie house.  Great setup with the "manchild" in the wheelchair and the candles.  Loved this up until Mother's trip to the basement.  Then, things started getting quite muddled.  

I'll just go ahead and admit I did not get the ending at all.  The man at the end was some sort of psychic who was channeling these spirits?  Very jarring to have the cell phone go off, because in my mind all of this was going in in the early 1900s.  So, in that respect, I wish you would have avoided that confusing twist and just stayed within the original timeline.

Not sure why, but I kept thinking of Carpenter's "The Fog" as I read this.   But, good job for a one week assignment.

Ryan


Hey Ryan!

Holy crap! I'm soooo busted!
I listened to truckloads of John Carpenter soundtracks on loop while I wrote this.
Maybe its a good thing you picked up on that?  Hope so. *gulp*

There is mention of the man wearing modern dress in the wheelchair on page one.
However, I feel like too many threads got buried in overdescription.
I have many revisions in mind and will get to them post haste!

Wow, I am amazed you caught me sleeping with John Carpenter! Amazed!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 18 - 58
Dreamscale
Posted: October 25th, 2010, 6:20pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hey Brett, congrats on completing an OWC script.  I thought I had read them all but I missed a few.  Sorry.

I had a real tough time with this, sorry to say.  IMO, it's way overwritten.  It reads like a poem, or a novel.  It's just way too dense for a script.

The dialogue doesn't come off as real at all.  Too strict and formal.

I wish you would have named your characters, as it doesn't read well with the mother, man, etc over and over.

As others have said, it does have a cool feel to it, but it's just way too much unnecessary detail an description for me.

Good effort though..it looks like you did put alot into this and it shows.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 19 - 58
Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 25th, 2010, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55

Quoted from Dreamscale
Hey Brett, congrats on completing an OWC script.  I thought I had read them all but I missed a few.  Sorry.

I had a real tough time with this, sorry to say.  IMO, it's way overwritten.  It reads like a poem, or a novel.  It's just way too dense for a script.

The dialogue doesn't come off as real at all.  Too strict and formal.

I wish you would have named your characters, as it doesn't read well with the mother, man, etc over and over.

As others have said, it does have a cool feel to it, but it's just way too much unnecessary detail an description for me.

Good effort though..it looks like you did put alot into this and it shows.


Jeff,

Hey there good sir! Thanks for the read!
Its funny I should be looking at this right now.
I just finished a second draft of the story that addresses what you mention here.
I kept it within the OWC rules, but tried to put the advice here to good use.
I'm going to proof it tomorrow then throw it to the screen writing wolves here.
I hope you'll look it over or take a peek at my feature length script.
Feel free to point me towards some of your stuff at your convenience. Cheers!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 20 - 58
Dreamscale
Posted: October 25th, 2010, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Brett, what feature do you have up?
Logged
e-mail Reply: 21 - 58
Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 25th, 2010, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55

Quoted from Dreamscale
Brett, what feature do you have up?


Jeff,

Is the link in my signature not working or visible?
Errfff, hope that's not the case. Perhaps I should make it more noticeable.
Anyway, here is the link to the script.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1287179995

Regards,

E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 22 - 58
Dreamscale
Posted: October 25th, 2010, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I see it.  My bad...didn't look there.  Sorry.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 23 - 58
RayW
Posted: October 27th, 2010, 10:02pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Freedom

Location
About a thousand years from now.
Posts
1821
Posts Per Day
0.36
1 - Story: Fantastic! Beautiful story!
2 - Filmable & Budget: Fairly easy. The sets will need to be built as some of the effects are rather unique and large.
Fooling around with water is always a hassle.
3 - Horror & Audience: Dead sea-pirate ghost stories are always good. I don't know how "Horror" story this is. Certainly is dangerous with the swordplay. Might be bouncing around just fantasy. Gotta be careful not to bounce too close to Davy Jones' Locker tales. PoTC meets LoTR. But this has a very unique angle on it. PG-13 should be able to adhered to. Huge audience for this material. Pirates Code challenge criteria - close enough. The setting is going to be a hassle unless you have one picked out already.
4 - Technicals & Format: Turn off your dialog (CONT'D) feature.
5 - Title & Logline: Great title - for another story. As an important structural element within the story, the widow's walk is not key to the story. Logline needs more enticement factor woven into it. How would a seductive ghost or siren sell this story?
General Comments:
A -
Hi-5! We're both getting hit on the same grievances: Too much overwriting and detailed description! I dunno. I read your story just fine, but my palette is crude. I eat raw flesh and dirty carrots straight from the ground, it seems.
B - The "etched glass to magnify the flame" is a fresnel lens. However, fancy words irritate the the delicate eyes of readers (often English majors), so perhaps you should just leave it as is.
C - The mother/father/son relationship are not overtly plain, but amply suggested through dialog (more important) and action lines. The story immerses us right into the middle of a situation, which is fine by me, but grieves many lacking imagination to "fill in the gaps".
I have it. I'm good.
But most don't.
Tailor your work to the greater audience. (When you figure it out, let me know. I'm having trouble myself!)
D - FWIW, "A candle goes dark. Seven burn." makes sense to me. Three of ten candles have been blown out, seven remain burning.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 24 - 58
Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 6th, 2010, 9:54am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55
***NEW DRAFT UPLOADED***

Greetings fellows SS gluttons for punishment!

I had a blast participating in my first OWC.
I am grateful for those that took the time to give my ramblings a read.
I took all that nifty constructive criticism and I put it to work.
For the new draft, I decided to retain the spirit of the OWC rules.
Personally, I feel I am a better writer when contending with constraints.
I hope those that give me a second chance enjoy the changes that I made.
Feel free to point me towards any of your scribbles you'd like me to peruse.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 25 - 58
khamanna
Posted: November 6th, 2010, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Hi E.D.

Just read your story. It was easy to read it this time. Some of the description I could not understand (and maybe it's just me)  but it didn't slow down the read for me. --In general I don't like too many visuals if these are not part of the story or if they do not forward the story. I know some find visuals fascinating but for me they just stand in a way of a story. Generally speaking.

The story is nice - the Man had to get rid of his childhood fears, and the only way to do it is to return to the house and face his father. I liked the fact that you didn't give much explanation to how he reincarnated his mother, and why his father had to come back for them. You did say something about that exact day which is enough.

The only thing - what did his father do to them? Did I miss it? I'm kind of curious and think it would be good to include that too.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 26 - 58
c m hall
Posted: November 6th, 2010, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
peninsula of Jersey
Posts
422
Posts Per Day
0.08
SPOILERS
a few disjointed notes on the revised version:
You keep the "other worldy" tone very convincingly -- and I love the descriptions of the house.
The ocean/people imagery has tremendous power, I found myself hoping that Edward would turn into  something like foamy water or seaweed -- ash is a cruel fate for a sea going man, for sure.
The ending is very good, I think; the haunting, through the generations, being released from it, finally, that's how I read it, anyway.
The word "torso" suggests a ship's figurehead, somehow that works, too.
Good story.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 27 - 58
Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 9th, 2010, 10:25am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55
Khamanna and CM,

Much thanks for taking a gander at the revised edition of Widow's Walk.
This is how I hoped it would read for the actual competition.
However, I had an unwanted drama twinkie unexpected house guest that Friday.
I lost a few days dealing with his crap and barely made the deadline at all.
Giving all that, I wanted to stay within the OWC rules for this second pass.

Khamanna...
I'm glad the story read easier this time. The first pass was a tad thick, I admit.
When I sat down with this idea, I wanted to tell a complete story.
Despite the short length, Widow's Walk does have a three act structure.
Act I: The Circle. Act II: The Cellar & Act III: The Widow's Walk.
I managed to squeeze in an epilogue back at the circle too.
To do this, I had to come into the story as late as possible.
So I tried to visually give as much info as I could without explaining details.
I'm pleased this style worked for you on the second time around.
Apparently, there was one part I did not quite get across properly.
The Man uses a cell phone at the end, the painting was created in 1910.
There's a few generations in between the action, but the fears are still there.
It's suggested in the story that Edward abused Miles because he is an invalid.
Edward resented having a weak son and pride twisted his heart.

CM Hall...
I'm thrilled to hear the second draft worked well for you.
I know its a bit dense, but I wanted to squeeze a complete story in ten pages.
Haunting through the generations, a hundred years, I like the sound of that.
I figured dating the painting and the Man's modern clothes would get that across.
Oh, I like your take on the word, torso. That works for me!

Thank you both lots for the second look at this one.
I think getting feedback on a revision is at least as important as on the first draft.
If there's anything you'd like me to look at, please don't hesitate to PM me.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 28 - 58
khamanna
Posted: November 9th, 2010, 11:05am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Hi again,

It didn't "read easier" - it was an easy read - it read just fine!
And I wasn't confused at the end - the cell phone done its job. But I did think Edward and the other woman were his parents. Mainly because he calls her mom and I don't know, didn't he call him dad as well? So I get it you're saying - she was his mother and Edward was a house spirit, one of the abusive ancestors. Same thing actually just a bit different.

If it was his father it would be more personal, painful for Miles, I think... --just a thought, it's your story...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 29 - 58
RayW
Posted: November 9th, 2010, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Freedom

Location
About a thousand years from now.
Posts
1821
Posts Per Day
0.36
Howdy, Brett

PDF pg 5 - are you sure this INT. FOYER - CONTINUOUS needs to be continuous?

INT. CELLAR - CONTINUOUS
The bulkhead doors fly open!

A flash of lightning silhouettes Edward wielding a cutlass.
Sea water drips off the blade. The cutlass glows a faint
silver. Edward is a sea choked echo of the family portrait.
DEBORAH
Please, leave us in peace.
Edward pauses, then descends into the cellar.

Um... The bulkhead doors, thus Ed's already in the cellar.
How does he descend into it?

Water oozes up the stairs in pursuit.
That's pretty darn creepy.

PDF pg 6 - Why does mom d!ck around returning to the circle?
Why not haul a$$ up the stairs as soon as she bolts the cellar door?
("Just how I wanted the story to go, Ray!")

Pg 7
Deb's exposition dialog might ought to include something about "Your child has never done anything to you but love you, you b@stard! I’m the one you want, Edward."
Something like that.

Pg 9
Deborah falls and lands on the small balcony, the open wound
oozes briny water and seaweed like fresh entrails
.

I absolutely love this image.

Pg 10
The man awakens. The milky film over his eyes is gone. They
are now a deep blue, much like Deborah’s.

Set a precedence for this back on the first script page at the
She is kneeling at the foot of the circle. Deborah looks at
the sleeping man, her visage softens.

Something about "striking blue eyes".
Director/makeup would use colored contacts to synch the two.


That is a nice short story, Brett.
I greatly enjoy supernatural entities battling each other.
Human vs. monster is lame and tired.
The (rushed) first version was great, it seemed a little more "actiony".
This one seems much smoother, while maintaining a great deal of the original's intensity (some seems to be lost), and has a more... mature and feminine quality to it.
I dunno.
It seems less brutal than the rushed job.
A lot more love and caring between mother and child, more "bond oriented".
Whatever that means.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 30 - 58
Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 11th, 2010, 10:31am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55

Quoted from RayW
Howdy, Brett

PDF pg 5 - are you sure this INT. FOYER - CONTINUOUS needs to be continuous?

Heya Ray!

Thanks truckloads for giving this a second read!
Hmmm, I suppose it could be "Moments Later"?
Is that what you were referring to?


Quoted from RayW

INT. CELLAR - CONTINUOUS
The bulkhead doors fly open!

A flash of lightning silhouettes Edward wielding a cutlass.
Sea water drips off the blade. The cutlass glows a faint
silver. Edward is a sea choked echo of the family portrait.
DEBORAH
Please, leave us in peace.
Edward pauses, then descends into the cellar.

Um... The bulkhead doors, thus Ed's already in the cellar.
How does he descend into it?

In my mind, the bulkhead doors open outward.
There are stone steps leading down into the cellar from ground level.
Perhaps the cellar should be better established as below ground level somehow?


Quoted from RayW

Water oozes up the stairs in pursuit.
That's pretty darn creepy.

Heh, my roommate will be glad to hear that.
He was the one that suggested I needed to be clearer about how the water moved.
So this image was conjured so folks would not think the room was flooding.


Quoted from RayW

PDF pg 6 - Why does mom d!ck around returning to the circle?
Why not haul a$$ up the stairs as soon as she bolts the cellar door?
("Just how I wanted the story to go, Ray!")

Heh, Deborah does take a beat and comfort her child.
She's a mother and she hasn't seen her child in a hundred years.
I thought it would be one of those "Get going!" moments for the audience.
It's my attempt to get the audience talking back to the movie, I suppose.


Quoted from RayW

Pg 7
Deb's exposition dialog might ought to include something about "Your child has never done anything to you but love you, you b@stard! I’m the one you want, Edward."
Something like that.

Yeah, I like that, good one. Missed opportunity to inject another family moment.


Quoted from RayW

Pg 9
Deborah falls and lands on the small balcony, the open wound
oozes briny water and seaweed like fresh entrails
.

I absolutely love this image.

Thanks, pal.
There's a price to pay to escape from that kind of darkness.
Being a good mother she was willing to pay it to save her child.


Quoted from RayW

Pg 10
The man awakens. The milky film over his eyes is gone. They
are now a deep blue, much like Deborah’s.

Set a precedence for this back on the first script page at the
She is kneeling at the foot of the circle. Deborah looks at
the sleeping man, her visage softens.

Something about "striking blue eyes".
Director/makeup would use colored contacts to synch the two.

Not sure I follow you here, Ray.
Are you suggesting shifting his eyes from blue to milky at the beginning?
Or simply showing them going from milky to blue at the end?
I had thought of the idea, but I guess I mentally blocked it for budgetary concerns.
You are right though, I do think it's a stronger visual transition for the story.



Quoted from RayW

That is a nice short story, Brett.
I greatly enjoy supernatural entities battling each other.
Human vs. monster is lame and tired.
The (rushed) first version was great, it seemed a little more "actiony".
This one seems much smoother, while maintaining a great deal of the original's intensity (some seems to be lost), and has a more... mature and feminine quality to it.
I dunno.
It seems less brutal than the rushed job.
A lot more love and caring between mother and child, more "bond oriented".
Whatever that means.


You have done me a kindness with your words, Sir.
The smoother mature feminine quality is me making this more about a family.
You mentioned opening up this story to a wider audience and I agreed.
I chose to do that through strengthening the family element.
Deborah and Miles can rest in peace. The Man can move on and sell the estate.
I wanted this packed ten pager to be as much of a complete story arc as possible.
Do you feel these changes "opened up" the story?
Thanks tons for all your insightful efforts.
Anything of yours you'd like me to peruse? Drop me a note.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 31 - 58
RayW
Posted: November 12th, 2010, 11:52am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Freedom

Location
About a thousand years from now.
Posts
1821
Posts Per Day
0.36
Howdy, Brett

Thanks truckloads for giving this a second read!
You're always welcome.
You and ! seem to be in the same "overwriting" boat.
IMO, it stems from thinking like a director, so we're going to cram in an entire set into every scene because... we can keep up with that - and - the story.
But most readers aren't so keen on that, so...
I'm looking over your shoulder at whatever answers you get.
HA!

Hmmm, I suppose it could be "Moments Later"? Is that what you were referring to?
Yep.
It was just a short, little, singular snippet of a scene in the wheelchair not involving any subsequent movement.
It was immediately followed by a completely separate scene and subject down in the cellar.

There are stone steps leading down into the cellar from ground level.
Perhaps the cellar should be better established as below ground level somehow?

Gotcha.
Yeah, that's gonna be a tricky one to describe - briefly! so as to not offend the reader's delicate eye and mind flow!  

Are you suggesting shifting his eyes from blue to milky at the beginning?
Or simply showing them going from milky to blue at the end?

Nah nah nah.
In the beginning: Have the WC man's eyes be opaqued with WHITE contacts and Deb's with STRIKING BLUE contacts.
(Yeah yeah yeah. We're thinking like directors here. Told you! Now convert that to reader-eze.)
At the end (PDF 10) his eyes are now the same STRIKING BLUE as Deb/Mom's are/were.
Not similar to...
The same.

Also, I just noticed "What happened to Deb/Mom's collapsed body when he woke up?
Does she dissolve into briny sea water and kelp entirely?
Or is he blabbin' on the cell with his dead, hundred year old mom laying in the floor?

Do you feel these changes "opened up" the story?
I'm not 100% on what "opened up" means (I'm obtuse, at times) but I think it's a fundamentally better story with what you've rewritten.
But... you and I both know a director is going to twiddle with it, the actors will twiddle with it, the editor will twiddle with it, so leave it alone, largely (other than the collapsed mother thing).

Thanks tons for all your insightful efforts.
What goes around comes around.


Anything of yours you'd like me to peruse? Drop me a note.
Just keep the back and forth going.
I very loosely keep markers and tabs of debts paid and owed, so...





Logged
Private Message Reply: 32 - 58
Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 14th, 2010, 11:17am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55

Quoted from RayW
Howdy, Brett
You and I seem to be in the same "overwriting" boat.
IMO, it stems from thinking like a director, so we're going to cram in an entire set into every scene because... we can keep up with that - and - the story.
But most readers aren't so keen on that, so...
I'm looking over your shoulder at whatever answers you get.
HA!

Greetings Ray!

You bring up a very interesting point I hadn't thought of much.
I do have very strong visuals in mind when I write.
Even if its just a treatment or synopsis, its impossible for me to NOT visualize it.
I am trying to be economical with that and make it more palatable without killing it.
Perhaps "speaking" to the audience sometimes in the script might help me.
That Snow White and the Huntsman script did that a lot.
It's a style choice that attracts some, but repels others.
I suppose you have to forge your own style to attract someone willing to pay.
What script of yours you would say best fits your style of writing?


Quoted from RayW

In the beginning: Have the WC man's eyes be opaqued with WHITE contacts and Deb's with STRIKING BLUE contacts.
(Yeah yeah yeah. We're thinking like directors here. Told you! Now convert that to reader-eze.)
At the end (PDF 10) his eyes are now the same STRIKING BLUE as Deb/Mom's are/were.
Not similar to...
The same.

Capital thinking, Ray. I concur. That strengthens the filial connection.


Quoted from RayW

Also, I just noticed "What happened to Deb/Mom's collapsed body when he woke up?
Does she dissolve into briny sea water and kelp entirely?
Or is he blabbin' on the cell with his dead, hundred year old mom laying in the floor?

p. 9
MAN (CONT’D)
Of course, I know what day it is,
dear. I haven’t forgotten.

Deborah’s body is gone. The silver locket is on the floor.


Perhaps the beat of the disappeared body should be a bit sooner?


Quoted from RayW

I'm not 100% on what "opened up" means (I'm obtuse, at times) but I think it's a fundamentally better story with what you've rewritten.
But... you and I both know a director is going to twiddle with it, the actors will twiddle with it, the editor will twiddle with it, so leave it alone, largely (other than the collapsed mother thing).

In your first note, you suggested making the story easier for others to read.
Your second note said my changes made it smoother but less "actiony".
I was wondering if you felt the family bond oriented changes I made helped.
Does the story feel more accessible now without losing its punch?

Thanks for all your insightful comments, balls in your court! Cheers!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 33 - 58
Mr.Z
Posted: November 14th, 2010, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Buenos Aires - Argentina
Posts
743
Posts Per Day
0.11
Hey Brett,

I enjoyed this quite a lot.

You've got a surreal/supernatural tale with very nice visuals and athmosphere. You establish the mood very efectively, and you've got quite a rich imagination. The man speaking as a child, the candles, the sea water, etc. Lots of things to like. Points for style.

Structurally, it's sound. You've got a clear protagonist (mother) with a clear goal (save her kid) and a ticking clock (the candles).

My only grip, the backstory is a bit muddy. The mother murdered the father and now the father wants revenge? Is that correct? Why did this happen? The father was a wife beater or something?

I liked the fact that this supernatural adventure turns out to be some sort of visual methapor for the man's inner journey (letting go of the past), but I think there should be a more subtle way to convey this. I mean, the man just blurts it out over the phone to someone. This bit felt a bit on the nose.

Perhaps we should hear the other side of that phone conversation? If both sides are talking about the matter, then you could balance the exposition a bit more so he doesn't have to spill all the beans.

Still, you're good with words. I liked this. Thanks for sharing.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 34 - 58
Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 16th, 2010, 10:19am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55

Quoted from Mr.Z
Hey Brett,

I enjoyed this quite a lot.

You've got a surreal/supernatural tale with very nice visuals and atmosphere. You establish the mood very effectively, and you've got quite a rich imagination. The man speaking as a child, the candles, the sea water, etc. Lots of things to like. Points for style.

Structurally, it's sound. You've got a clear protagonist (mother) with a clear goal (save her kid) and a ticking clock (the candles).


Wow, much thanks for the kind words, Mr. Z!
Coming from an award winner that's not faint praise in the slightest!
I put John Carpenter's "The Fog" soundtrack on repeat and hacked away at this one.
I wanted to create an effective atmosphere without buckets of blood.
Ironically, Carpenter ran into studio problems for doing just that with the 1979 film.


Quoted from Mr.Z

My only grip, the backstory is a bit muddy. The mother murdered the father and now the father wants revenge? Is that correct? Why did this happen? The father was a wife beater or something?

I liked the fact that this supernatural adventure turns out to be some sort of visual methapor for the man's inner journey (letting go of the past), but I think there should be a more subtle way to convey this. I mean, the man just blurts it out over the phone to someone. This bit felt a bit on the nose.

Perhaps we should hear the other side of that phone conversation? If both sides are talking about the matter, then you could balance the exposition a bit more so he doesn't have to spill all the beans.

Still, you're good with words. I liked this. Thanks for sharing.


You are correct here, Sir.
I tried reworking the more action oriented less dialog centric first draft.
Part of that was enhancing motivations and it was not a complete success.
For better or worse, I stuck with the ten page contest restraint for this rewrite.
The abuse angle could use some clarification to this end.
The phone chat, it was greatly expanded for this draft.
I'm glad you got the visual metaphor I was going for there.
You got me, I went for a bit on the nose dialog when faced with the page constraint.
It could do with another pass, at the time I didn't want to sacrifice the earlier action.
I wanted to put this one down and get to a treatment for a new feature.
If I were to revisit this outside the bounds of a contest, I would rectify that.

I really enjoy Great Spirit, feel free to send more of your stuff my way!
Thanks again for the thoughtful words, they are inspiring from a growing talent!
Look forward to reading more of your work!

Regards,
E.D.



LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 35 - 58
RayW
Posted: November 17th, 2010, 10:22am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Freedom

Location
About a thousand years from now.
Posts
1821
Posts Per Day
0.36
That Snow White and the Huntsman script did that a lot.
Hey, have you got a PDF of that floating around you can email me at rewriteitagain@gmail.com?
I'm interested in reading reading recent spec scripts that have been bought.
Gracias.

What script of yours you would say best fits your style of writing?
Still working on my style.
I guess once I get a handle on not killing any story with hyper-detail (rolls eyes) I'll actually be able to find a style.
Of the cuff - Although subjects and content may run the gamut, I don't spoon feed the audience much and expect them to come to the table with a fair bit of "mental problem solving".
I dunno if that approach is marketable. Probably not.
I find it contradictory that English majors working as readers A) are glitched by big words and B) want to be spoon fed subtleties.
ARRGH!

That strengthens the filial connection.
See, that's a "big" word you probably can't get away with in your action lines - filial.
You'll tax the poor BA-English graduates wanting middle-school level vocab to produce subtext and subtlety.
Goodness.  

Perhaps the beat of the disappeared body should be a bit sooner?
Nope. I'm a idiot and just missed it.
It's fine.
My bad.

I was wondering if you felt the family bond oriented changes I made helped.
Does the story feel more accessible now without losing its punch?

I'm guessing you're a creative sort of guy, yourself, beyond writing.
You know how you'll throw (and I use that respectfully) something together, walk away from it, come back and move a couple of things that've been bugging you in the back of your mind? Then a few hours later you'll nudge another thing or two. Overnight you figure out a thing to add, two things to join, and half a thing to cut. A week later you've pretty much quit screwing with it.
I think you've done that.
So, "Yeah", the story feels more accessible now without tasting so raw and unrefined.
How'zat?





Logged
Private Message Reply: 36 - 58
Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 19th, 2010, 11:25am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55

Quoted from RayW
What script of yours you would say best fits your style of writing?
Still working on my style.
I guess once I get a handle on not killing any story with hyper-detail (rolls eyes) I'll actually be able to find a style.
Of the cuff - Although subjects and content may run the gamut, I don't spoon feed the audience much and expect them to come to the table with a fair bit of "mental problem solving".
I dunno if that approach is marketable. Probably not.
I find it contradictory that English majors working as readers A) are glitched by big words and B) want to be spoon fed subtleties.
ARRGH!

Hey Rayness!

Yeah, I tend to veer into hyper detail and requiring mental problem solving skills.
There's a lot of subtext in my feature script that I'm not getting feedback on.
It's not discouraging, I guess its there to more help me stay true to the character.
So long as I know why its there, perhaps on a subconscious level is how it works.
I've had a few folks say, I don't know why I liked the character just do.
I prefer to let my characters define themselves through action, not description.
Yes, one of the main protags in my feature is a thief, but he saves a rape victim.
He only kills for survival, not for sport. I don't seem to be getting it across well here.
Guess I'll keep chipping away at it. I refuse to go all white hat/black hat, heh.


Quoted from RayW

That strengthens the filial connection.
See, that's a "big" word you probably can't get away with in your action lines - filial.
You'll tax the poor BA-English graduates wanting middle-school level vocab to produce subtext and subtlety.
Goodness.  

Ha! Good one, I'm guilty as charged!
I'm big into subtext and obliterating exposition every chance I get.
I guess its an acquired taste, its all good, a work in progress.


Quoted from RayW

I was wondering if you felt the family bond oriented changes I made helped.
Does the story feel more accessible now without losing its punch?

I'm guessing you're a creative sort of guy, yourself, beyond writing.
You know how you'll throw (and I use that respectfully) something together, walk away from it, come back and move a couple of things that've been bugging you in the back of your mind? Then a few hours later you'll nudge another thing or two. Overnight you figure out a thing to add, two things to join, and half a thing to cut. A week later you've pretty much quit screwing with it.
I think you've done that.
So, "Yeah", the story feels more accessible now without tasting so raw and unrefined.
How'zat?

That works for me, and yes, I'm always tossing ideas around in my brainpan.
I liberally use the Notes app on my iPhone, never know when an idea will strike.
Currently, there are 17 different original script idea files on the phone.
I brainstorm while I exercise and type notes into the phone when I have them.
My mental retention is poor, hence, the near constant daily note taking.
I shake and bake them in my brain and the loudest ones turn into treatments.
I'm sure this is much much more than you wanted to know about my "process". =p

Cheers!

E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 37 - 58
Colkurtz8
Posted: November 19th, 2010, 11:52am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Brett

Return read as promised. Apologies in advance if I have repeated what others have said as I went into this blindsided.

Some great stuff in here, man. You certainly got a vivid imagination and posses the writing chops to get it down cinematically on the page. Besides a few criticisms I’ve listed below in the page by page notes, I really dig your writing style. I know you’re relatively new to the site but it appears you’ve been writing for some time, formatting & language are not an issue here, a pleasure to read.

Story wise, this had some wonderful gothic inspired moments. In 10 pages you created a world complete with back story and imaginative mythology. I loved the idea of fighting the darkness with light, the ring of candles quenching one by one in a race against the clock scenario and most of all Widow’s Walk itself, very creative indeed. The water motif (while driving a practical monetary budget sky high) added another dimension to the piece, I enjoyed the various references to Edward’s half solid, half liquid composition, you described these characteristics eloquently whilst heightening the tension and excitement.

However, I must admit, I was thrown by the ending. I got the impression that this was written in the vein of a dark fairytale, the way we were just planted into the situation at the beginning with the man in the wheelchair and Deborah kneeling outside the candles. I thought this was gonna be a cyclical thing, in that every Halloween these ancient family feud shenanigans occur. Every Hallow’s Eve being an annual struggle for Deborah & Miles (I figured they were ghosts themselves from the outset) to keep their vengeful father/husband’s spirit at bay.

Instead we get this mere mortal (I’m still not sure if he is Miles or not) who has decided to lay this ghost to rest. Why? I’m not sure. He does mention that he’s a distant relative but I’m not sure whether I believe him or not since he’s obviously sweet talking the person on the other line so they won’t be worried about him. As a result I’m completely non-plussed as to what happens in the final reel, I’m not sure who he, his motivation for doing what he done or how he transformed himself into Miles in order for the ritual to work (I leave the latter one to fantasy but the other two bother me)

Now, just because the ending didn’t correlate with what I predicted and the fact that I don’t completely understand it the way it is doesn’t mean I don’t like it. I’m just confused by it and, in a way, intrigued as to what it means. Please enlighten me!

Col.


Some page by page notes:

Superb opening. Granted, we've seen this type of intro many times before but it's the way you wrote it that impresses me. Short, precise word usage, full of vivid description, you said more in those six lines then I often ramble on about in a page.

“A MAN, 30s, sleeps in a wooden wheelchair. It is too small
for him. It is the wheelchair from the painting. The man
wears MODERN CASUAL attire.”

“The wheelchair rests against a BRASS POLE in the center of
the FOYER. The pole extends up into the ceiling.”

“Silence. A candle flame waivers. Deborah draws a breath.”

“She is kneeling at the foot of the circle. Deborah looks at
the sleeping man, her visage softens.”

-- I found this a little confusing here as you are essentially describing something( i.e. Man in wheelchair & a woman drawing breath) before telling us where they are. Usually one establishes the geography of a scene before going into the details of what is going on in it. Not always of course but it’s advisable to paint us a picture before inserting the drama. Exceptions would be talking off screen or whatever but you actually address Deborah by her name as she draws breath before we’ve seen her (in real life) so it’s a little disorientating, you know. You mention a character doing something before we’ve met her (besides the painting on the wall) Now, maybe you were doing this for an eerie effect, the fact that we were looking at her picture then all of a sudden we here a breath, I’m not sure.

Similar with the wheelchair, you describe it and its occupant…and then tell us that it’s resting against the brass pole. Perhaps yo’re envisaging close up shots before panning back to reveal the surroundings. Either way,  no big deal, it just threw me for a moment.

DEBORAH (CONT’D)
(sings a lullaby) Shambling leaves
against our door...Heed not the
whispering breeze...Lonely waves
swallow the shore...Shades walk on
All Hallow’s Eve.

     Put the wryly on a separate line. For example:

DEBORAH (CONT’D)
(sings a lullaby)
Shambling leaves
against our door...Heed not the
whispering breeze...Lonely waves
swallow the shore...Shades walk on
All Hallow’s Eve.

“The man opens his eyes”

Your writing in general is very lean except I would try to omit “and” where possible and replace them with commas. For example on page 4 alone:

“Deborah raises the lantern to her face and scans the wall.”

-- Could be “Deborah raises the lantern to her face, scans the wall”. This states the same thing put reads better, in my opinion

“She puts down the lantern and pulls on the rock.”

-- Same as above

MAN (CHILD’S VOICE)
(whispers) Father has returned.

-- Interesting visual/audio mismatch. It could come of as genuinely unnerving or just silly depending on the  filmmaker’s execution.

“Edward is a sea choked echo of the family portrait.”

-- Nice line.

“Edward pauses, then descends into the cellar.”

-- I thought we were already in the cellar?

“Edward closes in on her. He raises the cutlass. Thunder clap.”

-- Ok, I’m perplexed now. As far as I can gather, Edward emerges from the bulkhead doors, descends into the cellar…and now he’s right up on her. Yet this all, according to the scene headings, happens within the cellar.

“She almost drops the flint. Deborah moves away from the hatch. She strikes flint to iron. Nothing.”

-- Again, no big deal but if you are referring to a character more then once in an action paragraph, I would always use the character’s name first & use pronouns henceforth. Maybe it’s just me but its reads strange the other way around.

End of Pg 6 - “THRUNK! The hatch shudders. The lock holds.”

Top of Pg 7 – “THUNK! The hatch cracks. The lock bolt shudders.”

-- To your credit, your writing is colourful and varied and you seem conscious of not repeating adjectives. However, above I spotted “shudders” being used in close proximity. Once again, tis a small thing but this type of repetition always sticks out for me. I assume with your firm grasp of vocabulary (as the script proves on numerous occasions) that you can come up with an equally effective alternative.

Also, while there’s plenty of action going throughout the middle and end of the piece, you’ve essentially set-up the same scene three times in a row, albeit in different parts of the house. Firstly, you got Edward trying to bust down the bulkhead door in the cellar trying to get to Deborah. Secondly, you got Edward trying to bust down the cellar door to get to Deborah in the foyer and thirdly, you got Edward trying to bust down the hatch door to get to Deborah out on Widow’s Walk. I assume you can see a trend here? Maybe mix it up a little, put a different obstacle in front of Edward to temporarily impede his progress.

Pg 5 – “She sees Edward at the circle, cutlass poised to strike.”

Pg 8 – “Edward levels the cutlass at her, poised to strike.”

-- Although further apart in page count, you end almost half a sentence the same when describing identical actions. Try to keep it diverse.

“The impaled shape writhes and burns to ash.”

-- Why have him burn to ash and not return to water? I know he wasn’t too fond of fire’s innate luminary properties either! but we’ve seen things turn to ash sooo many times before. I think it woulda’ been cool (and more consistent to the story) if he turned completely back into sea water thus keeping the aqua theme going.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 38 - 58
Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 22nd, 2010, 3:23am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55

Quoted from Colkurtz8
Brett

Return read as promised. Apologies in advance if I have repeated what others have said as I went into this blindsided.

Some great stuff in here, man. You certainly got a vivid imagination and posses the writing chops to get it down cinematically on the page. Besides a few criticisms I’ve listed below in the page by page notes, I really dig your writing style. I know you’re relatively new to the site but it appears you’ve been writing for some time, formatting & language are not an issue here, a pleasure to read.

Col,

Much thanks for the read back. You are a man of your word.
I will not forget it when next you have some work you want reviewed.
I'm pleased you enjoyed the opening slavo of descriptions.
I knew I wanted this to be an atmospheric piece, but tell a complete story.
To do that, I needed to be economical and effective with my descriptions.
I probably revised the opening more than any other part of this script.


Quoted from Colkurtz8

Story wise, this had some wonderful gothic inspired moments. In 10 pages you created a world complete with back story and imaginative mythology. I loved the idea of fighting the darkness with light, the ring of candles quenching one by one in a race against the clock scenario and most of all Widow’s Walk itself, very creative indeed. The water motif (while driving a practical monetary budget sky high) added another dimension to the piece, I enjoyed the various references to Edward’s half solid, half liquid composition, you described these characteristics eloquently whilst heightening the tension and excitement.

I was going for a visually rich gothic tale with a healthy dose of action and suspense.
It's a tall order for a ten pager, but I like to make things hard on myself.
I believe you can tell a twenty page story in ten pages if you focus on economy.
Show, don't tell as much as you can. That kind of challenge brings the best out of me.
Despite the brevity, I wanted Widow's Walk to have a classic three act structure.
Act I: The Circle. Act II: The Cellar. Act III: The Widow's Walk.
I felt strongly that this story would benefit from sticking to that structure.
And yes, the candles are a ticking clock I wrap my three acts up in nice and tight.
I am a big fan of time constraints on my characters, put them to the test.
I think it helps translate a sense of urgency to the reader, keep the pages turning.
I'm a die hard fan of John Carpenter's "The Fog", so I couldn't resist the water.
I essentially substituted sea water for the "abilities" the fog had in that 1979 film.
The major departure being seaweed and water used here for "ghost guts" here.


Quoted from Colkurtz8

However, I must admit, I was thrown by the ending. I got the impression that this was written in the vein of a dark fairytale, the way we were just planted into the situation at the beginning with the man in the wheelchair and Deborah kneeling outside the candles. I thought this was gonna be a cyclical thing, in that every Halloween these ancient family feud shenanigans occur. Every Hallow’s Eve being an annual struggle for Deborah & Miles (I figured they were ghosts themselves from the outset) to keep their vengeful father/husband’s spirit at bay.

Instead we get this mere mortal (I’m still not sure if he is Miles or not) who has decided to lay this ghost to rest. Why? I’m not sure. He does mention that he’s a distant relative but I’m not sure whether I believe him or not since he’s obviously sweet talking the person on the other line so they won’t be worried about him. As a result I’m completely non-plussed as to what happens in the final reel, I’m not sure who he, his motivation for doing what he done or how he transformed himself into Miles in order for the ritual to work (I leave the latter one to fantasy but the other two bother me)

Now, just because the ending didn’t correlate with what I predicted and the fact that I don’t completely understand it the way it is doesn’t mean I don’t like it. I’m just confused by it and, in a way, intrigued as to what it means. Please enlighten me!

I like your cyclical theory.
However, keep in mind i was working with the OWC rules for this piece.
My three characters had to be adults, I had to fudge things to get a kid in there.
That being said, I decided to use the possession device to being Miles into play.
Your annual dark fairy tale sounds grand, you never know what the next OWC will be.
I chose the modern day end to enhance the family theme of the story.
Putting old wounds to rest and moving on as a family, bonding, etc.
As to divulging my character's motivations...
Not a chance. If I've sparked your imagination, I've achieved the ultimate goal.
Who am I to say what you take away from something I created?   

CONTINUED ON NEXT POST


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 39 - 58
Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 22nd, 2010, 3:24am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55
CONTINUED FROM PREVIOUS POST


Quoted from Colkurtz8

Some page by page notes:

Superb opening. Granted, we've seen this type of intro many times before but it's the way you wrote it that impresses me. Short, precise word usage, full of vivid description, you said more in those six lines then I often ramble on about in a page.

“A MAN, 30s, sleeps in a wooden wheelchair. It is too small
for him. It is the wheelchair from the painting. The man
wears MODERN CASUAL attire.”

“The wheelchair rests against a BRASS POLE in the center of
the FOYER. The pole extends up into the ceiling.”

“Silence. A candle flame waivers. Deborah draws a breath.”

“She is kneeling at the foot of the circle. Deborah looks at
the sleeping man, her visage softens.”

-- I found this a little confusing here as you are essentially describing something( i.e. Man in wheelchair & a woman drawing breath) before telling us where they are. Usually one establishes the geography of a scene before going into the details of what is going on in it. Not always of course but it’s advisable to paint us a picture before inserting the drama. Exceptions would be talking off screen or whatever but you actually address Deborah by her name as she draws breath before we’ve seen her (in real life) so it’s a little disorientating, you know. You mention a character doing something before we’ve met her (besides the painting on the wall) Now, maybe you were doing this for an eerie effect, the fact that we were looking at her picture then all of a sudden we here a breath, I’m not sure.

Similar with the wheelchair, you describe it and its occupant…and then tell us that it’s resting against the brass pole. Perhaps yo’re envisaging close up shots before panning back to reveal the surroundings. Either way,  no big deal, it just threw me for a moment.

The reason why Deborah's intro comes off a bit odd is the whole appearing thing.
I didn't want to keep her ghostly origins a secret from the reader.
However, I didn't wanna shove the appearing out of thin air thing at readers though.
So, I got something that is admittedly a bit stilted.
Yeah, I was going for an odd effect with the painting then going to her. Kinda worked.
As to the wheelchair, that odd bit of description is there because...
I thought it would be cool to foreshadow the pole in the widow's walk with it.
Was it needed? Nope. Did I take it out because of that? Nope. I blanked on it.
I already foreshadowed the widow's walk in the opening scene, didn't need this.
So, those two lines hang there, like a fart in a car. =p

Quoted from Colkurtz8

DEBORAH (CONT’D)
(sings a lullaby) Shambling leaves
against our door...Heed not the
whispering breeze...Lonely waves
swallow the shore...Shades walk on
All Hallow’s Eve.

     Put the wryly on a separate line. For example:

DEBORAH (CONT’D)
(sings a lullaby)
Shambling leaves
against our door...Heed not the
whispering breeze...Lonely waves
swallow the shore...Shades walk on
All Hallow’s Eve.

You are right about the wryly.
However, I was saving every line I could with a ten page constraint.
So, I chose to fudge it.


Quoted from Colkurtz8

Your writing in general is very lean except I would try to omit “and” where possible and replace them with commas. For example on page 4 alone:

“Deborah raises the lantern to her face and scans the wall.”

-- Could be “Deborah raises the lantern to her face, scans the wall”. This states the same thing put reads better, in my opinion

“She puts down the lantern and pulls on the rock.”

-- Same as above

I see your point, I would change that in a subsequent draft.

Quoted from Colkurtz8

MAN (CHILD’S VOICE)
(whispers) Father has returned.

-- Interesting visual/audio mismatch. It could come of as genuinely unnerving or just silly depending on the  filmmaker’s execution.

“Edward is a sea choked echo of the family portrait.”

-- Nice line.
[quote]
The A/V mismatch, I was swinging for the creepy bleachers with that one.
Thanks, I like sea choked echoes too, they sound nifty.
“Edward pauses, then descends into the cellar.”

[quote=colkurtz8]
-- I thought we were already in the cellar?

“Edward closes in on her. He raises the cutlass. Thunder clap.”

-- Ok, I’m perplexed now. As far as I can gather, Edward emerges from the bulkhead doors, descends into the cellar…and now he’s right up on her. Yet this all, according to the scene headings, happens within the cellar.

“She almost drops the flint. Deborah moves away from the hatch. She strikes flint to iron. Nothing.”

-- Again, no big deal but if you are referring to a character more then once in an action paragraph, I would always use the character’s name first & use pronouns henceforth. Maybe it’s just me but its reads strange the other way around.

The bulkhead was apparently not very well described by me in the script.
I've gotten this note from a  few folks.
The cellar is below ground, the double doors open outward, from the outside.
So he pulled the doors open, then walked down the steps into the cellar.
I would have to rework this bit of business in the next draft.
Yeah, some people don't like she, some get sick of seeing the name all the time.
I guess it kind of comes down to personal preference there.  


Quoted from Colkurtz8

End of Pg 6 - “THRUNK! The hatch shudders. The lock holds.”

Top of Pg 7 – “THUNK! The hatch cracks. The lock bolt shudders.”

-- To your credit, your writing is colourful and varied and you seem conscious of not repeating adjectives. However, above I spotted “shudders” being used in close proximity. Once again, tis a small thing but this type of repetition always sticks out for me. I assume with your firm grasp of vocabulary (as the script proves on numerous occasions) that you can come up with an equally effective alternative.

Also, while there’s plenty of action going throughout the middle and end of the piece, you’ve essentially set-up the same scene three times in a row, albeit in different parts of the house. Firstly, you got Edward trying to bust down the bulkhead door in the cellar trying to get to Deborah. Secondly, you got Edward trying to bust down the cellar door to get to Deborah in the foyer and thirdly, you got Edward trying to bust down the hatch door to get to Deborah out on Widow’s Walk. I assume you can see a trend here? Maybe mix it up a little, put a different obstacle in front of Edward to temporarily impede his progress.

Pg 5 – “She sees Edward at the circle, cutlass poised to strike.”

Pg 8 – “Edward levels the cutlass at her, poised to strike.”

-- Although further apart in page count, you end almost half a sentence the same when describing identical actions. Try to keep it diverse.

I went for the relentless pursuit over different obstacles there.
Was it for the better? Probably not, but it was what I had at the time.
I made the choice to use my description elsewhere, instead of new stuff.
I wanted to focus more on atmosphere than creating new scenarios.
It was a conscious choice, not an excuse, you do have a valid point.
Yeah, my thesaurus was not at 100% when I wrote the second draft.

Quoted from Colkurtz8

“The impaled shape writhes and burns to ash.”

-- Why have him burn to ash and not return to water? I know he wasn’t too fond of fire’s innate luminary properties either! but we’ve seen things turn to ash sooo many times before. I think it woulda’ been cool (and more consistent to the story) if he turned completely back into sea water thus keeping the aqua theme going.


Hmmm, I like this, may have to steal it.
You are right, I don't know why I burned him, seemed the thing to do at the time.
Bank on seeing some variant on this should I redraft this.

I'm glad you enjoyed this story, I'm thrilled it appealed to your imagination.
I'm sure Deborah and Miles appreciate the attention too.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful review.
Keep me posted on your new material and keep writing!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 40 - 58
Colkurtz8
Posted: November 22nd, 2010, 7:03am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
So you're not gonna divulge on the ending then...?

Basta?d

On the basis of your response I'd like to see you rewrite this without the contraints of the OWC. It seems you have some interesting ideas that couldn't make it because of said restrictions.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 41 - 58
Mr.Ripley
Posted: November 22nd, 2010, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Writing

Location
New York
Posts
1979
Posts Per Day
0.31
hey Brett,

Here's the return read.

SPOILERS!

I like your descriptions. I envy you. lol.

Some formatting problems specifically dealing with the parenthesis, but that's easily fixable.

My main gripe is with the ending. I figured the Man being the boy in the painting. But apparently, the Man is not. I get a Ghost Whisperer vibe from him (he communicates with the dead to resolve issues). And if it is a ghost whisperer type story, very cool. If not, then I don't know.

Another problem is the father's motivation. It's never explained why he's so angry to the point of murdering his supposed kid and wife. Granted that motivation could be left up to the reader/audience to come up with the reason, but I think it would be best to offer a reason. I only see him as a tool of conflict in the story. I want to know why he's after them. He give him a reason like Jack Torrence in the Shining.

Hope this helps,
Gabe



Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 42 - 58
grademan
Posted: November 22nd, 2010, 11:07pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.16
Hey Brett,

Your revised draft is better than your first draft. Less problems with overwriting. Some like the descriptive writing while others - like me - prefer less words. For example,

The man sleeps in a wooden wheelchair. It is too small for him.

Could be shortened to:

The man sleeps in a wheelchair too small for him.

Gets rid of an evil IT and looses three words and - to me - reads smoother.

I lost track of the plot at the bottom of page 1 with the woman referred to the man as Miles and didn’t get it back until page 6 when the widow confessed to killing the sea captain. Why? I don’t know. I don’t like going back into the story to find out.

Very good at setting atmosphere.

Dialogue was average in that no lines stood out.

Overall: Story is improved but needs tightening of narrative and clarity to understand plot.

Hope this helps. You got potential buddy.

Gary

EDIT:

In my review, I said I had a hard time following the plot.  Think it was a confusion over who the Man and Deborah were.  If I would've had some inkling that they were not who they appeared to be, it would have helped me a lot.  In reading it a second time, it was much clearer than the first time.  I'll admit I read these things fast.  I should've read this one slower.

Revision History (1 edits)
grademan  -  November 23rd, 2010, 4:12pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 43 - 58
James McClung
Posted: November 23rd, 2010, 10:04am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Washington, D.C.
Posts
3293
Posts Per Day
0.49
Hey Brett,

I more or less liked this one. I won't comment on whether or not it's overwritten, you've had enough of that already. I will say it didn't really occur to me that it could be overwritten. I really enjoyed the writing. You set up a nice Gothic atmosphere with the Victorian house, the Widow's Watch and all the nautical iconography. I've got something of a thing for "aquatic" ghosts, zombies, what have you. There's just something so icky about seaweed and briny water.

I think the story was setup nicely with the candles and the portrait and you kept up the suspense pretty consistently. I've taken big issue with the amount of throwaway wheelchair characters. Yours is still something of a prop but at least you built some suspense around the man with the water rising and snuffing out the candles.

I didn't like the dialogue. It sounded really hokey and melodramatic to me and the overuse of the word "Mommy" made me cringe. I think the main problem was you tried to hard to make it sound period appropriate but it just sounded awkward. The exchanges between the mother and son were particularly bad. I think with the husband, it was a lot more tolerable.

The end didn't kill the story but it certainly killed the period atmosphere, which was my favorite thing about the whole script. So I'd chuck it. It comes out of nowhere and just doesn't go anywhere. It seems like information you would've hinted at toward the beginning anyway.

Overall, I liked it though. I think you differentiated yourself enough from the crowd to keep it fresh but came up with something classic as well.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 44 - 58
Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 23rd, 2010, 10:32am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55

Quoted from Colkurtz8
So you're not gonna divulge on the ending then...?

Basta?d

On the basis of your response I'd like to see you rewrite this without the contraints of the OWC. It seems you have some interesting ideas that couldn't make it because of said restrictions.


Ooooh, so you're one of those kinds of kids, eh?
You like it when the magician shows you the trick and ruins the magic?
I will say this much, it seems The Man has good intentions.
But we all know what particular road is paved with good intentions.

This one is in my mental queue to return to at some point.
However, I have original feature length properties I'm developing to sell.
The world of Bly's Cove intrigues me and I do wish to revisit it some day soon.

I'm pleased this story spoke to you, thanks again for all your efforts.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 45 - 58
Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 29th, 2010, 10:41am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55

Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Hey Brett,

Here's the return read.

SPOILERS!

I like your descriptions. I envy you. lol.

Some formatting problems specifically dealing with the parenthesis, but that's easily fixable.

Hey Gabe!

Much thanks for the read back! You are a man of your word!
My apologies for the late reply, holidays blahs grabbed me for a bit.
LOL, envy? Thanks. Though many have taken me to task for my descriptions.
In regard to the parenthesis, you mean about the child's voice references?
I feared they may have been misused, but no one else has called me on it.
Please elaborate if you can, my tech skills need much improving. Thanks.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley

My main gripe is with the ending. I figured the Man being the boy in the painting. But apparently, the Man is not. I get a Ghost Whisperer vibe from him (he communicates with the dead to resolve issues). And if it is a ghost whisperer type story, very cool. If not, then I don't know.

You are correct and correct.
The Man is not Miles, he is a descendant of the boy.
The painting is dated 1910, but it seems I did not draw enough attention to that fact.
The Man is a ghost whisperer type, but I did not want to spend time with how he did it.
I felt my ten pages were better spent on action than explanation.
I like leaving some things to the reader's imagination.
I'm trying to tell a 15 page story in ten pages to keep it interesting for the reader.
And some of the things left to the imagination can be tough to choose.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley

Another problem is the father's motivation. It's never explained why he's so angry to the point of murdering his supposed kid and wife. Granted that motivation could be left up to the reader/audience to come up with the reason, but I think it would be best to offer a reason. I only see him as a tool of conflict in the story. I want to know why he's after them. He give him a reason like Jack Torrence in the Shining.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

I did have a line spoken by Miles on page two that illustrated this point.
It was along the lines of Edward resenting having such a "weak son".
I took it out and I can see that may have been a mistake.
Perhaps Deborah when on the stairs should address the child abuse issue.
I saw so space conscious with the page constraint, I made a few mistakes.
I'm glad you enjoyed my reworked OWC, thanks so much for your time.
I look forward to seeing more of your work, keep writing!

Regards,
E.D.  


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 46 - 58
Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 1st, 2010, 11:13am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55

Quoted from grademan
Hey Brett,

Your revised draft is better than your first draft. Less problems with overwriting. Some like the descriptive writing while others - like me - prefer less words. For example,

The man sleeps in a wooden wheelchair. It is too small for him.

Could be shortened to:

The man sleeps in a wheelchair too small for him.

Gets rid of an evil IT and looses three words and - to me - reads smoother.


Hey Gary,

I appreciate all the feedback, you've been very generous with your time.
LOL. The Evil IT. I like that, I'll keep that in mind for any new drafts. Thanks.
I want to write less, but my highly visual mind tends to get the better of me.
Ray thinks its because I tend to direct in my head and try to put it on the page.
I think he's onto something there, I need to find a better balance with that.  


Quoted from grademan

Very good at setting atmosphere.

Dialogue was average in that no lines stood out.

Overall: Story is improved but needs tightening of narrative and clarity to understand plot.

Hope this helps. You got potential buddy.

Gary

I'm glad the atmosphere worked for you, I put a lot of energy into building it up.
I wanted this script to have a strong visual element for the reader to set the mood.
Is there's a way to spice up dialog? Perhaps, its good it doesn't draw attention to itself.
I think this could use another polish, perhaps if there's interest in production.
I honestly don't see that happening, this is a rather set/prop heavy story.
It's my homage to "The Fog", "The Innocents" and "The Changeling" all in one!


Quoted from grademan

EDIT:

In my review, I said I had a hard time following the plot.  Think it was a confusion over who the Man and Deborah were.  If I would've had some inkling that they were not who they appeared to be, it would have helped me a lot.  In reading it a second time, it was much clearer than the first time.  I'll admit I read these things fast.  I should've read this one slower.

Whew! I'm glad revisiting the story worked out okay.
I tried to set the stage with the painting, perhaps I need to draw more attention to it.
Thanks for all the advice, its much appreciated!
I'll get to that review you wanted from me as soon as time allows!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 47 - 58
Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 7th, 2010, 11:38am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55

Quoted from James McClung
Hey Brett,

I more or less liked this one. I won't comment on whether or not it's overwritten, you've had enough of that already. I will say it didn't really occur to me that it could be overwritten. I really enjoyed the writing. You set up a nice Gothic atmosphere with the Victorian house, the Widow's Watch and all the nautical iconography. I've got something of a thing for "aquatic" ghosts, zombies, what have you. There's just something so icky about seaweed and briny water.

I think the story was setup nicely with the candles and the portrait and you kept up the suspense pretty consistently. I've taken big issue with the amount of throwaway wheelchair characters. Yours is still something of a prop but at least you built some suspense around the man with the water rising and snuffing out the candles.


James,

My apologies for not responding to this read sooner.
Holiday clamor and working on a new treatment vied for my attention.
I'm glad you liked the imagery and atmosphere, I spent a lot of time on it.
Suspense was a primary concern  for me here, it's a tough nut to crack on the page.
I tried to keep the action moving and ratcheting up the tension as I went along.
The wheelchair, yeah, it's a prop, but I did try to give it some attention.
It's more of a conduit than a character, but that's better than nothing.


Quoted from James McClung

I didn't like the dialogue. It sounded really hokey and melodramatic to me and the overuse of the word "Mommy" made me cringe. I think the main problem was you tried to hard to make it sound period appropriate but it just sounded awkward. The exchanges between the mother and son were particularly bad. I think with the husband, it was a lot more tolerable.

The end didn't kill the story but it certainly killed the period atmosphere, which was my favorite thing about the whole script. So I'd chuck it. It comes out of nowhere and just doesn't go anywhere. It seems like information you would've hinted at toward the beginning anyway.

Overall, I liked it though. I think you differentiated yourself enough from the crowd to keep it fresh but came up with something classic as well.


I can see your point about the dialogue.
It could probably do with a bit of streamlining.
That period accurate stuff is tricky, a fine line between effective and distraction.
The ending. I can't remember now how I got stuck on the ending.
I like the idea of the guy not being wheelchair bound in the end, not a great answer.
I tried to make it more about family values in the end.
It does pull the reader out of the atmosphere.
It's been suggested that it should be more cyclical in nature, which I like.
This is kind of my love letter to "The Fog", The Changeling" and "The Innocents".
I had a lot of fun with this draft, I may tinker with it in the future.
Thanks so much for your time and comments, they are appreciated.
My next reading assignment is your "Complete".

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 48 - 58
jap313
Posted: January 6th, 2011, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
35
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hi E.D.,

I really liked your writing style.  Your descriptions were succinct and put a clear picture in my mind; however, as you went on, you sort of went overboard with it.  You described stuff that didn’t really need describing.  “The [locket] unfolds like a clam shell.”  I would try to cut down on superfluous descriptions and focus on the things that really need it, i.e. the house (which you did very well with).  Look to combine as many sentences as you can.  You use the word hatch a lot.  Try to combine those sentences some.

The story was intriguing because of the structure.  You had a little intro, which set the tone.  Then you moved on to a rising action, which climaxed well, and followed this up with a nice resolution.  Nice job.

I really liked the Man acting like a child, but this made me a little disappointed in the end when he “grew up” all of the sudden and seemed refresh.  I thought he should be tired/beat up when he answers the phone.  “Ugh, yeah honey, I think it’s time to sell the place.”  Rubs his neck, grimaces.  “No, I’m serious…”

Overall, this is a nice piece of work.  I believe it had the effect that you intended.  Good luck with it.  Below are some notes that I took while reading.

Take care,
JP

P.S.  I did sorta wonder about the flint to start a fire.  Maybe this is because of my experience in the scouts.  I had a hard time lighting a cotton ball out of the package.  I really doubt I could have lit a wick in a house near the ocean in a thunderstorm.

p.1 – Like your writing style.  Short, to-the-point descriptions.  There’s an unintended alliteration that’s sort of a tongue twister: Widow’s walk wrapped in a wrought…Probably need to change.

The last description, might change to: “light shines through a boarded-up window.”  It’s kinda wordy as it is; we already know it’s lightening.

I’m not sure if continuous needs to be in the second slug.  It’s probably optional, but I usually only use continuous if we’re following two actions at the same time, i.e. “INT. CLASSROOM –DAY John screams in pain.  INT. HALL – CONTINOUS   Allan jumps up alert.”

p.2 – “I’m scared of the dark, Mommy.  He comes back to hurt me when it’s dark.”  First thoughts:  His dad molested him? (Why does he hurt him when it’s dark.)

wood-plank door

P.3 – You use the word bulkhead too much at the end of pag 3.  You can probably combine these sentences.  It just reads choppy.

P4 – I don’t think water really oozes.  Might say the water overruns the steps as she leaves to the foyer.  Or something like that.

p. 6 – The “R” is throwing me off in “THRUNK.”

P.8 – Why is Deborah’s wound oozing briny water and seaweed.  We were never given any indication that she was a ghost-like creature.

p. 10 – Why isn’t the MAN called MILES?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 49 - 58
Electric Dreamer
Posted: January 7th, 2011, 10:33am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55

Quoted from jap313
Hi E.D.,

I really liked your writing style.  Your descriptions were succinct and put a clear picture in my mind; however, as you went on, you sort of went overboard with it.  You described stuff that didn’t really need describing.  “The [locket] unfolds like a clam shell.”  I would try to cut down on superfluous descriptions and focus on the things that really need it, i.e. the house (which you did very well with).  Look to combine as many sentences as you can.  You use the word hatch a lot.  Try to combine those sentences some.

JP,

Much thanks for the read back, its always appreciated.
I'm glad the story spoke to you.
I wrote this as I was starting to learn to economize my action description.
If I were to go back over it, I'm sure I could lop off about 15% with no problem.
As it stands, it's much better than what I wrote before i joined this site.

Quoted from jap313

The story was intriguing because of the structure.  You had a little intro, which set the tone.  Then you moved on to a rising action, which climaxed well, and followed this up with a nice resolution.  Nice job.

I consciously made the effort to give this short a three act structure.
Even for just ten pages, a story structure is just as important, more so with suspense.
I divided my act breaks by location: foyer to cellar to widow's walk.
Admittedly, I tried to cram a lot into ten pages, it could use some streamlining.

Quoted from jap313

I really liked the Man acting like a child, but this made me a little disappointed in the end when he “grew up” all of the sudden and seemed refresh.  I thought he should be tired/beat up when he answers the phone.  “Ugh, yeah honey, I think it’s time to sell the place.”  Rubs his neck, grimaces.  “No, I’m serious…”

Guilty, this ending was added to the second draft.
Overall, it captures the tone I want, but it's a bit rushed.
You have a good point about the exhaustion, you're the first to mention it.
I'm not entirely satisfied with the dialogue there either.
If I were to expand on this script, that would be one of the first changes. Thanks.

Quoted from jap313

P.S.  I did sorta wonder about the flint to start a fire.  Maybe this is because of my experience in the scouts.  I had a hard time lighting a cotton ball out of the package.  I really doubt I could have lit a wick in a house near the ocean in a thunderstorm.

The flint stone and striker should light an oiled wick without much issue.
Wicks are typically moistened in oil inside a device of that nature.

Quoted from jap313

There's actually a term for that type of beacon, someone said earlier in the thread.
p.1 – Like your writing style.  Short, to-the-point descriptions.  There’s an unintended alliteration that’s sort of a tongue twister: Widow’s walk wrapped in a wrought…Probably need to change.

Heh, I'm alliteration's whore, I can't help myself sometimes.


Quoted from jap313

I’m not sure if continuous needs to be in the second slug.  It’s probably optional, but I usually only use continuous if we’re following two actions at the same time, i.e. “INT. CLASSROOM –DAY John screams in pain.  INT. HALL – CONTINOUS   Allan jumps up alert.”

I'll check that out, I've gotten much better with my slugs in recent months.
SS has been a great resource to improve my format skills.

Quoted from jap313

p.2 – “I’m scared of the dark, Mommy.  He comes back to hurt me when it’s dark.”  First thoughts:  His dad molested him? (Why does he hurt him when it’s dark.)

The suggestion is molest or beat. A strong sea faring father with a weak son.
That's grounds for some serious resentment issues.
With an expanded page count, this point would be made clearer.


Quoted from jap313

P4 – I don’t think water really oozes.  Might say the water overruns the steps as she leaves to the foyer.  Or something like that.

My intent was to show that the water is supernatural in nature.
I was trying to be subtle with the oozing up the stairs. Perhaps a bit too subtle.

Quoted from jap313

P.8 – Why is Deborah’s wound oozing briny water and seaweed.  We were never given any indication that she was a ghost-like creature.

p. 10 – Why isn’t the MAN called MILES?


Ahhh, this has been the biggest sticking point that no one picked up on.
The inscription on the painting says it was painted in 1910.
The man in the chair channeled Miles to connect with Deborah.
I did a poor job of relaying that, which causes confusion for most readers.
Thanks for the insightful comments.
Should I do another pass on this, they will prove helpful.
Good luck with Zeke and keep writing!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 50 - 58
jap313
Posted: January 7th, 2011, 6:56pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
35
Posts Per Day
0.01

Quoted from E.D.
I divided my act breaks by location: foyer to cellar to widow's walk.

I didn't notice that, but that's very good.

Quoted from E.D.
Ahhh, this has been the biggest sticking point that no one picked up on.
The inscription on the painting says it was painted in 1910.
The man in the chair channeled Miles to connect with Deborah.
I did a poor job of relaying that, which causes confusion for most readers.
Thanks for the insightful comments.
Should I do another pass on this, they will prove helpful.
Good luck with Zeke and keep writing!

Gah, i should have caught this.  I went back and looked at the age differences between the family members, but didn't catch on to the 1910 date.  That adds meaning to the milky eyes.  I guess now the question is why does this guy want to Channel Miles to Deborah?  What's his relationship to Deborah?  Maybe this would be too much for ten pages, so you might be better off changing the Man to Miles.

John
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 51 - 58
Electric Dreamer
Posted: January 8th, 2011, 10:51am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55

Quoted from jap313

I didn't notice that, but that's very good.

Gah, i should have caught this.  I went back and looked at the age differences between the family members, but didn't catch on to the 1910 date.  That adds meaning to the milky eyes.  I guess now the question is why does this guy want to Channel Miles to Deborah?  What's his relationship to Deborah?  Maybe this would be too much for ten pages, so you might be better off changing the Man to Miles.

John

Heh, its good that you didn't pick up the structure.
It's a road mao for me to keep the pacing going.
I tend to be pretty straightforward with my "act breaks" like that.
I'm a structure geek that way.

Yeah, I did not draw enough attention to it as a writer.
As per the OWC rules, I could not have a child formally in the story.
However, that didn't stop be from shoehorning one in there my own way.
Also part of the rules was a man has to be in a wheelchair.
If I were to rewrite this, I would blow off the rules and expand my page count.

At the end, the Man says he was helping out "a distant relative" on the phone.
The implication is that the Man is a direct descendant of Deborah and Miles.
It's a lot to digest for ten pages, I agree.
I'd rather err on the side of too much, I can refine it later.

Thanks again for the insights.
The critiques stoke the fires of getting me to work on this again.
When I get a break working on things I'm trying to sell, I will come back to this.
Sadly, Widow's Walk is a tough first sell with the sets and action.
But I'm grateful to have a ghost story in my arsenal of stories.

Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 52 - 58
rc1107
Posted: May 1st, 2011, 10:08am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Youngstown
Posts
1241
Posts Per Day
0.20
Hey E.D.

I really liked the atmosphere in this one.  It's funny, because a lot of people have said that they loved the atmosphere, but complained that the story was over-detailed.  The over-detailed descriptions probably really helped invoke the great atmosphere, so that can't really be a fault if you're putting a great image in people's heads.  Kind of a catch 22 there, huh?  Guess it's just having to chalk it up as half-pleasing half the people half the time.

You already know I'm a big fan of your action sequences, so I actually like the stacking method you use for that.

Well, I thought I understood what was going on in the story, until the end when the man's friggin' cell phone started going off.   I was sitting there thinking, how the hell does he have a cell phone in 1930?  Throughout the whole story, I thought that the man was Miles, in his 30's.  That's why I thought the story was taking place in the 1930's.  Even when you said he was dressed in modern attire, lol, I was picturing him in modern attire for the 1930's.  :-)

So, yeah, I'm afraid to say that I was dumb and this one went straight over my head.  Even at first, I was picturing Deborah how she'd look in the 1930's.  So that kind of explains why things were coming off so weird when I was reading this.

I think it could use a bit of a brush up just to make things a little more clear, as reading through, I saw a couple people thought the same thing as I did and was a little baffled.  I'd probably have to say the first thing to clear up is Deborah calling the man 'Miles' right off the bat.  That threw me off the whole story and I was hopelessly lost after that.

It's definately an intriguing idea, (especially with the images of the ghosts bleeding seawater, I loved that), and can even be a great twist, but the confusion has to be taken out of the story to hit home all the way

Very good for your first OWC.  Very ambitious.  Even if it would've been your tenth OWC, it still would have been good.  Just have to make the story come across a little bit clearer.

Hope this helps.

- Mark


Logged
Private Message YIM Reply: 53 - 58
Electric Dreamer
Posted: May 4th, 2011, 10:53am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55

Quoted from rc1107
Hey E.D.
I really liked the atmosphere in this one.  It's funny, because a lot of people have said that they loved the atmosphere, but complained that the story was over-detailed.  The over-detailed descriptions probably really helped invoke the great atmosphere, so that can't really be a fault if you're putting a great image in people's heads.  Kind of a catch 22 there, huh?  Guess it's just having to chalk it up as half-pleasing half the people half the time.

Hey Mark,

Thanks for dredging up this water logged script.
It was the first short I ever wrote.
It was a tough slog too, I had an unexpected house guest that week.
The atmosphere in this one is a smoochy love letter to The Fog and The Changeling.
There's a healthy dose of The Innocents in there too, adore all three of those films.

I was struggling with a lot of over description at the time.
I'm sure if I read this piece now, I would probably cringe muchly at the style.
I'm glad the murky fog slathered sea vibe worked for you.

Quoted from rc1107

You already know I'm a big fan of your action sequences, so I actually like the stacking method you use for that.

I'm slowly modifying the stacking, I felt pretty good about in West Side Markets.
When I'm in a stacking mood, I compile a series of shots now.
It's a fine line between being overly staccato and slick. I'm working on it.
I'm a big believer in using action to tell my stories.

Quoted from rc1107

Well, I thought I understood what was going on in the story, until the end when the man's friggin' cell phone started going off.   I was sitting there thinking, how the hell does he have a cell phone in 1930?  Throughout the whole story, I thought that the man was Miles, in his 30's.  That's why I thought the story was taking place in the 1930's.  Even when you said he was dressed in modern attire, lol, I was picturing him in modern attire for the 1930's.  :-)

So, yeah, I'm afraid to say that I was dumb and this one went straight over my head.  Even at first, I was picturing Deborah how she'd look in the 1930's.  So that kind of explains why things were coming off so weird when I was reading this.

I think it could use a bit of a brush up just to make things a little more clear, as reading through, I saw a couple people thought the same thing as I did and was a little baffled.  I'd probably have to say the first thing to clear up is Deborah calling the man 'Miles' right off the bat.  That threw me off the whole story and I was hopelessly lost after that.

It's definately an intriguing idea, (especially with the images of the ghosts bleeding seawater, I loved that), and can even be a great twist, but the confusion has to be taken out of the story to hit home all the way

Very good for your first OWC.  Very ambitious.  Even if it would've been your tenth OWC, it still would have been good.  Just have to make the story come across a little bit clearer.

Hope this helps.

- Mark

My ambition to grab the challenge by the horns muddled the result here.
Grabbing a proverbial butter knife and making it fit alienated the reader somewhat.
The man in the wheelchair is in present and he is spiritually channeling young Miles.
The man is a descendant of the family that now owns the property.
I put a date on the painting's plaque but no one picks up on it.
I'm sure I could do a much better job with this now.
SS has given me great pointers and it helps me tell me story better.

Thanks again, and keep those stories rolling!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 54 - 58
CindyLKeller
Posted: May 4th, 2011, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1467
Posts Per Day
0.20
Nice story you have here, Brett.

I didn't see that ending coming at all. It sort of came out of nowhere though.

Suggestion: Maybe there should be a for sale sign in front of the house, and maybe Deborah could be packing some of their belongings so they could leave. ???

The one thing that kind of stuck with me was Deborah's age when the older gent was in the wheelchair. I had a hard time getting past that.

Maybe if you described her clothing or say that she still looked the same as in the painting, then we could think that maybe she died and her ghost is trying to protect her son... well even though she really is.

I liked the lullaby. Very sweet.

I do like the ending, but I think we need a little hint at it.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 55 - 58
Electric Dreamer
Posted: May 7th, 2011, 11:30am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55

Quoted from CindyLKeller
Nice story you have here, Brett.

I didn't see that ending coming at all. It sort of came out of nowhere though.

Suggestion: Maybe there should be a for sale sign in front of the house, and maybe Deborah could be packing some of their belongings so they could leave. ???

Hey Cindy,

Thanks for resurrecting this ghostly tale.
This was the first short I ever wrote and probably too ambitious for its own good.
I spent a lot of time cultivating the atmosphere for this one, glad it worked for you.
Good suggestion, I'm sure I could tell this story much better now.
I like the vibe and the characters, but the execution could use some touch up.

Quoted from CindyLKeller

The one thing that kind of stuck with me was Deborah's age when the older gent was in the wheelchair. I had a hard time getting past that.

Maybe if you described her clothing or say that she still looked the same as in the painting, then we could think that maybe she died and her ghost is trying to protect her son... well even though she really is.

I liked the lullaby. Very sweet.

I do like the ending, but I think we need a little hint at it.

It was strange, I blew the painting description so bad, no one picks up on it.
This was a present day tale with old ghosts.
It's a good idea to have her dressed the same as in the painting.
This piece required a kid, but the OWC didn't allow kids.
So I had wheelchair man "channel" the kid to put the family to rest.
It's a love letter to "The Fog" and "The Innocents", and also "The Changeling".
Deborah is a ghost protecting her son, I need to find a way to bring that across better.
Wheelchair man is a descendant that she sees as Miles.

Clearly, I bit off more than I could chew for a first time short.
Thanks for your insightful comments.

Best of luck with Tina and the gang!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 56 - 58
CindyLKeller
Posted: May 7th, 2011, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1467
Posts Per Day
0.20
So are you going to do a rewrite?

Now that the OWC is over, you can make it any length you'd like and do whatever you want with the script.  

Pretty good for the first script you ever wrote.
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 57 - 58
Electric Dreamer
Posted: May 7th, 2011, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55

Quoted from CindyLKeller
So are you going to do a rewrite?

Now that the OWC is over, you can make it any length you'd like and do whatever you want with the script.  

Pretty good for the first script you ever wrote.
Cindy


This is a post OWC draft, but I decided to adhere to the OWC rules for it.
I do have this one in the back of my mind marinating.
I'd like to revisit in time for a Halloween return.
The characters are deserving of a better story.
I've learned so much about the craft here on SS since I wrote this draft.
I'm a little apprehensive to reread it, fearing how cringe worthy it might feel.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 58 - 58
 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    October, 2010 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006