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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  Condemned - OWC
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  Author    Condemned - OWC  (currently 6202 views)
Don
Posted: October 20th, 2010, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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Condemned by Ray W - Short, Horror - A vampire does what he can to take care of his eternal family. - pdf, format


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 20th, 2010, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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I started to like this,  (Dead crow opening is neat; characters) BUt in spite of all the RATTLES and MOANS. I get it; Ben makes a lot of noise. (It brings us character #4 in the OWC) But I did warm up to some of the snappy dialog. It appears to be intentionally humorous. I'm rolling with it. But those CREAKS and CRACKS start getting in the way again, and then this:



Quoted Text
Moments later a CRACK of lightning flash freeze-frames


I understand where you were trying to say visually. But the repeating of this irritates me. I think once is enough, or at least find different words, break out the handy thesaurus. While capping sounds is optional and still sometimes in use, you could also find different words.

I'm still getting used to bolded headers, I know it's a nice little fad nowadays, and it can be helpful. But I simply don't think it's quite acceptable just yet.

The dark humor pulls me in, the CRACKS take me out.
Overall though, not bad.

-DjS


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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DarrenJamesSeeley  -  October 21st, 2010, 12:09pm
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screenrider
Posted: October 20th, 2010, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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As I read more of these OWC's I'm realizing alot of it (for me) is just about my own personal taste.  I just want a good story.   Either I like it or I don't.   Sorry, Ray, but this one didn't do anything for me.  Congrats on completing an entry, though.

You might wanna work on toning down your descriptions.   They're a bit flowery.
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mcornetto
Posted: October 20th, 2010, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
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To be quite honest, I didn't really like this.   Maybe if I had paid more attention to the story I would have appreciated it like Darren did.  

However, there were so many distractions and I am not reading it again.

Here's my notes:

One man stands on the porch steps while another thrashes in
the wheelchair he holds in his hands.

These people should be introed by this point thereby making this sentence useless and confusing.

YELLS
you really don't need to cap actions.  Cap sounds but only if offscreen or otherwise important for some reason.

the chair RACKS

Do you mean rocks?  and why is it capped?

Bolded characters. Tsk.

Way too many things capped here.  It's annoying and it keeps taking me out of the story.

I hope there's going to be a reason that bird got hit by lightning.  That would be expensive so there better be a reason for it.

You don't really need to use the name Liz so many times in dialogue.  One trick is to use it once then just say - he calls out to Liz - in the action.

Who is Ben?

WAY TOO MANY CAPS!

Who is Ben?  

By the man in the wheelchair, you mean Ed, right?  Ed isn't Ben because Ben is in chains somewhere in the house - we just haven't properly been introduced, right?

You should have saved yourself time and turned on caps lock - just do the whole thing in CAPS, that's right.

George’s eyes flash open, the lid BURSTS open.

One or the other or is this the gory part and his eyeballs have burst?

He rubs the door handle as if starting a fire. No color.

Hunh?

vituperations

Wow! Huge word.  Do you think you're audience will know it or do you think they'll have to google it?  Do you want them to have to google it?

Ah, finally we are introduced to Ben.  

Moments later a CRACK of lightning flash freeze-frames
Moments later a CRACK of lightning flash freeze-frames
Moments later a CRACK of lightning flash freeze-frames
Moments later a CRACK of lightning flash freeze-frames
Moments later a CRACK of lightning flash freeze-frames
Moments later a CRACK of lightning flash freeze-frames

Uh, no.  Find a different way to do this part.

Wind resumes it’s HOWL. Flash and CRACK! Pitter-patter
becomes a steady rain. The HOWL of wind spins tree tops in
wild gyrations.

How many times in the same action block do you need to tell us there's wind or that it howls.  Once I would think - if that.

And just as I thought, no reason for the bird.


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RayW
Posted: October 21st, 2010, 7:40am Report to Moderator
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Thank you for the reads and remarks, guys.

DJS -
With the intent of this being an audio-oriented story a LOT of sounds were emphasized.
I was working under the understanding that sounds were SUPPOSED to be capped. I see that is subjectively incorrect. I'll retain that going forward.
Yeah, I saw a few weeks back the online screenplay for CASINO published with both bold slugs and characters and standard slugs and characters - I prefer the former.
Personal taste it looks like.
Learning how to adhere to the criteria given is fun.
4th character - yes, but no more than two ambulatory characters in a scene. Cast male actor as both George and Ben for close-ups then the female as Ben for the front yard, lightning flash sequence. Director will need to pick body sizes for male & female near enough for this to work.

Mike -
Understood and feel the same about personal tastes.
Will you please cite a flowery line or two for me to get a handle on that? Thank you.
I get beaned for being sparse and beaned for being overly descriptive. It's a reoccurring issue for me I'm interested in resolving.

Michael -
So... you think I should work in all caps? Okay.
Bird's to establish the dark humor feel of the story.
Rack a wooden or metal chair, let me know if you hear something.
I expect the audience to be ignorant, not the readers. Vituperations isn't a big word. It's silly with a purpose*.
The lightning sequence - Yeah... that was for a director, not a reader. My bad.
"How many times in the same action block do you need to tell us there's wind or that it howls.  Once I would think - if that." could be tightened to "Delete the first sentence".


* Once upon gentler times clock and watch makers would etch beautiful artwork and inset tiny jewels on their tiny clockwork parts for the pure benefit of the next watchmaker who would open his work up. It was a gift. A tradesman treasure. Carpenters for both houses and furniture would also do the same.  
I acknowledge perhaps the effort is wasted in this trade. My apologies for offending you.

Thank you again for the reads.


EDIT: Hey, Michael -
After reading half of these screenplays I've finally figured out not only what you meant about employing "vertical writing" and why I'm often going to have difficulty with it.
Vertical writing works best with dialog heavy/action light scenes.
Action heavy/dialog light scenes are going to read "visually dense", which is understandably blocky and hard to burn through an entire script of.
Much of my writing will be activity oriented and very little slow-burn characters milling about yakking.
Looks like I've got a tough row to hoe until I change my wicked ways.
Just thought I'd let you know I was thinking of you.
Cheers!




Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
RayW  -  October 21st, 2010, 8:27am
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 21st, 2010, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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Ray, congrats on completing an OWC script.

Sorry, bud, but this has got to be one of the most irritating scripts I've ever come across.  The 10 pages drag on like literally 25.  Seriously, on more than 1 occasion, I glanced at the page number I was on, assuming I had to be on page 10, only to find I wasn't.

OK, listen, there are obviously many things wrong here, but in a nutshell, let me tell you what's working against you the most...

You're writing loads and loads of prose, but saying very little.  It's almost as if you're trying to write in some grand way, but it's coming across as extremely tough and irritating, and there is very little getting through.

The amount of repetition on display here is staggering.  Again, lots of words, very little getting across.

I'm sure this will fall on deaf ears, but your lack of commas, make this a tougher read than it needs to be.  Obviously, many times, the use or lack of use of commas, doesn't make a big deal...it doesn't affect the integrity of the sentence.  But other times, it does.  And there are a shitload of examples in here where I had to literally stop and reread the sentence to understand what it was you were trying to say, based on a lack of punctuation.

You chose to not intro Liz or Ben until very late in the script, which makes no sense to me.

You seemed to have too many characters - I read your post about having actors play dual roles, etc even having men play women and vice verse, but this is just foolish, and I can't imagine it's what Don was after when he continually said we have 3 actors at our disposal.

WTF is going on with page 7?  WOW!  Unreal.

Hopefully you understand what I'm saying here, as I'm trying to help you.  Tone it down 10 notches.  Write with clarity.  Don't try to impress with big fancy words and sentences that don't reveal anything.  Get your point across so that it's a quick, efficient read.

Good luck.
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jwent6688
Posted: October 21st, 2010, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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Ray, I can't say I liked this either. I agree heavily over written. Way too repetetive. How many crashes of thunder and lightning do we need from the writer?? One or two. The rest would be up to the director. We get it. It's a nasty storm outside.

I don't get detailed into OWC scripts. So I'm not going back through this line by line to give examples. IT's something, I hope you can grasp from reading some of the other scripts here.

Story: The entire scene of Ben running into the woods to get himself a snack should be cut IMO. Take those pages to build onto why George is so dedicated and infatuated by Liz. I, as a reader, couldn't fathom why. She's a talks like she's on drugs.

I did like that he had to ask permision to come in, but, if he's a vampire I thought you only had to asked once. From the rightful homeowner. Aslo, seemed like Ben had to ask also. Wtf is Ben??? He added nothing to the story.

I got you were going for dark horror/comedy here. It just didn't work for me. For over ten pages, I learned nothing of you characters. Who they are, where they're from, who made them. Just one of those would've been nice.

And you could have fit that in had you cut down on your prose.

So, Good job completing a script in a week. You did adhere to all of the rules, and I'm sure your script suffered as everyone else's did. Cheers, Always...

James


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mcornetto
Posted: October 21st, 2010, 9:55pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RayW

Rack a wooden or metal chair, let me know if you hear something.


Which definition of rack did you mean?

# single-foot: go at a rack; "the horses single-footed"
# stretch to the limits; "rack one's brains"
# put on a rack and pinion; "rack a camera"
# extort: obtain by coercion or intimidation; "They extorted money from the executive by threatening to reveal his past to the company boss"; "They squeezed money from the owner of the business by threatening him"
# scud: run before a gale
# framework for holding objects
# fly in high wind
# rib section of a forequarter of veal or pork or especially lamb or mutton
# draw off from the lees; "rack wine"
# wrack: the destruction or collapse of something; "wrack and ruin"
# torment: torment emotionally or mentally
# an instrument of torture that stretches or disjoints or mutilates victims
# a support for displaying various articles; "the newspapers were arranged on a rack"
# seize together, as of parallel ropes of a tackle in order to prevent running through the block
# a form of torture in which pain is inflicted by stretching the body

or did you mean wrack?
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rendevous
Posted: October 21st, 2010, 11:56pm Report to Moderator
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R,

I read about occluded clouds before. I got them. Boiling ones? I think I get the idea, only just though.

I think the title and logline aren't quite a draw in. Actually the title's better than the logline. Might look good on a poster, which is my yeard stick.

The descriptions do need trimming. Sound too novelish, too wooly.

Shortening your sentences may help it read better as a script.

I wrote to Chad earlier about exclamation marks, please use sparingly, they often make things look silly and read like a tabloid newspaper.

"Bonk bonk bonk". Er no.

There are some good ideas and writing in here. It's just the bad stuff hides them. Needs a good polish and trimming. The pace is too slow for a horror, in fact most films these days move a lot faster than this script will allow.

However, read a lot worse. Revamp, read some pro ones, you'll soon get it and get better. If I can do it, anyone can.

R xo


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

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The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: October 22nd, 2010, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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Ray W...

Shorts are what they are?  Too be honest, I try not to read too much into them.  It's just the start of hopefully, something great.   You could have easily trimmed two pages off of here.

Your montage sort to speak on page seven... I would have chosen a different route  to take.  Much easier too.

"NIGHTFALL," in the third part of your first three sluglines.  Do you make it a habit of doing that?  

Your story was just okay for me.  I thought the dark humor was good.  Congrats on finishing...

Ghostwriter


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khamanna
Posted: October 22nd, 2010, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
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I loved the set up, quite original - George wants the ghosts of his Liz and Ben go with him when they are planning to demolish the house and the only way to do it is to possess somebody. Anybody. So he brought Ed with him. However, I was waiting for more and more never came. He brought Ed, Ed tried to escape but couldn't, Liz possessed Ed and they left - a bit too easy, fast...  feels short for some reason.

Few notes:

p1 "His attention returns to the half glass door absent his reflection against the house's dark interior" - wondering if you could reword it. I also think it would be better if George was a human - right now I don't know what he is.

"He smiles and rubs the door handle. Color faintly flows into it and across the door" - the second part about color slows the read for me (there were quite a few instances like this) --although contributes to atmosphere but still...

"Although his wake leaves crackling frost across the large wood framed mirror, in the foyer it returns no reflection" - maybe show his wake that leaves frost first. Then no reflection in the foyer. Otherwise it's complicated and not very visual this way.

p4 You have "Ben rattles his chains and Moans" - do we see Ben? If we do not maybe you better have it as "Rattling of chains, Moaning"(something like that).

p6 "A moment later his shoes, and clothes, crackling on fire" - I don't know whose, George's or Ed's.

I wonder if you need Ben at all.

Thanks for your notes on mine.
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Sanderson
Posted: October 22nd, 2010, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
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You certainly have a way with words.  But I think maybe your writing is too poetic at times. Poetic is great if you're writing a novel or a poem(obviously), but I think you could benefit from focusing on making your descriptions simpler and more concrete. A part from that I like the story and characters but I think your ending needed more of a punch to it.
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greg
Posted: October 23rd, 2010, 12:39am Report to Moderator
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Ray,

I'm sorry to say that this didn't work at all for me.  There's way too much overwriting here and overcomplicating things that made this hard to read.  Your descriptions read like a novel.  They just kept going on and on and on and didn't seem to add much to the movement of the story.  The dialogue was similar; while the descriptions didn't move the story along I didn't feel the dialogue did either.  There just wasn't anything special about it.  Very routine.  I also had a hard time following the characters here.  We're learning about Liz and Ben from the get-go but aren't properly introduced to them until late in the story.  And Ben I didn't really see his purpose but it's possible I missed something.  Ed threw me off too but for that one I'm pretty sure I missed something.

I'll say this - your writing is good for a novel or a poem but for this particular 10 page short it smothers the story I'm sorry to say.  Again - just say what you need to say.  Keep it simple.  

But keep at it.

Greg


Be excellent to each other
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 23rd, 2010, 1:10pm Report to Moderator
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Ray,

Congrats on completing your script!
There are some very strong visuals here, but they are mired in novel like writing.
I know how this goes, I tend to overwrite by buckets on the first draft.
I had a very hard time following the story, this read like syrup for me.
There's something in the denseness of your formatting that slowed it down for me.
I confess I skipped over most of the freeze frame montage.
Perhaps repeating just the word CRACK! would do the trick?
I like your plot idea but I don't have feel for the characters at all.
Perhaps with another pass you could tighten things up. I want to know more about them.
Thanks for the post and keep writing!

Regards,
E.D.


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RayW
Posted: October 24th, 2010, 1:18am Report to Moderator
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Thank you for reviewing this, everyone.

Jeff -
You're writing loads and loads of prose, but saying very little.  It's almost as if you're trying to write in some grand way, but it's coming across as extremely tough and irritating, and there is very little getting through.
For the life in me, I want to understand what that first sentence means. Honestly.
Nope, not trying to do anything other than find that magical balance between too dry and too flowery, as Mike pointed out.
Be patient. I'll get there.

I'm sure this will fall on deaf ears,...
Please... grant a modicum of credit. You should know by now although I may fail at succeeding I don't fail at trying. Please?

You chose to not intro Liz or Ben until very late in the script, which makes no sense to me.
Cool. It's just... how I wanted the story to go.
Used 'em as I wished: Not equally.

I can't imagine it's what Don was after when he continually said we have 3 actors at our disposal.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_actors_who_have_played_multiple_roles_in_the_same_film
There's a clear precedent established I already knew about that I didn't violate.
Multiple times I've caught guff off SS members for "thinking beyond the scope of screenwriting".
Looks like I'm guilty again.
You and I simply interpreted the directions given differently.
My approach would have been akin to a director asking for a piece to shoot where the two of us would have had a brief, little fifteen minute talk about production limitations. Say... if AJS or Breanne has asked any one of us to do this.
We would have had that conversation where this could have been resolved.

LOL! Page seven. Your brevity is appreciated.

Don't try to impress with big fancy words and sentences that don't reveal anything.  Get your point across so that it's a quick, efficient read.
Um... that's how I talk in real life, "big words" and everything.
They aren't big to me. Sorry.
On Lapse I was getting beaned for writing too austere.
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1283983839/s-15/highlight-/#num15
Here it's the opposite.
Just bear with me. I'm looking for the magic mix.

James -
How many crashes of thunder and lightning do we need from the writer?? One or two. The rest would be up to the director.
Each of flash and crash is timed specifically to events pretty much just like an action or dialog.
They're not in there for filler, in which case I understand your point precisely.
Previously I understood all sounds were to be capitalized, but I've since learned it's optional, so... going forward - it will be something learned (to thumb my nose at relevant remarks elsewhere).

Take those pages to build onto why George is so dedicated and infatuated by Liz. I, as a reader, couldn't fathom why. She's a talks like she's on drugs.
&
Who they are, where they're from, who made them. Just one of those would've been nice.
To me this is more of a personal creative difference of how a story is told.
Granted, most stories spoon feed the reader/viewer everything.
In this one I wanted to set the audience in the middle of an established relationship that, like with anyone's, has it's own difficulties.
Not every conversation between a husband and wife, or BF/GF in this case, is without conflict.
People in love often overlook shortcomings in the other.
She's a ghost with limited communication abilities. Almost a handicap, and George loves her despite that - and her silly behavior, thus his frustration with her and dedication to her.
But I do understand what you're saying.

I thought you only had to asked once. From the rightful homeowner. Aslo, seemed like Ben had to ask also. Wtf is Ben??? He added nothing to the story.
Liz is the "owner" of the abandoned home. George lives elsewhere, wherever his coffin is. So, it's implied that they are BF/GF and he looks out after her for whatever reason people, or entities, fall in love over.  
Each time he must ask permission to enter her home.
Ben is a flesh eating ghoul. Something of their child or family dog.
He doesn't need to ask permission, and really doesn't "ask" for permission so much as he's just calling Elizabeth's name out loud. He only has vestigial memories of being polite.
A vampire, a ghost and a ghoul all dead forever. That's their family. Of sorts.

Michael -
or did you mean wrack?
Yes, funny man. I meant Wra-I-make-wrong-word-choice-errors,-too-ack.
Thank you for pointing that out to me.  

r -
Gotcha on the logline.

... too wooly.
Perhaps the most succint, helpful PoV I've received. Understood.
On another piece I was dinged for being too... nevermind.
Understood.

Exclamation points - gotcha.

Ghostwriter -
Page seven - understood. I'm writing VCR operating instructions as a novel it appears.

"NIGHTFALL," in the third part of your first three sluglines.  Do you make it a habit of doing that?
If the scene actually does appear after the sun goes down, dusk, and it's about to be night how would I better slug that? Gracias!

Khamanna -
Liz possessed Ed and they left - a bit too easy, fast...  feels short for some reason.
She posessed the pregnant woman, Ed was "consumed" or something, but I got you.
Liz just wanted a baby before she moved. Ghosts have wants too I figured, so she was using this opportunity to exploit a demand from George. Same BS as with people.

... wondering if you could reword it. I also think it would be better if George was a human - right now I don't know what he is.
Yep & that was me setting up the establishment that George is a vampire, along with some of the other events. It's never overtly established. It assumes the audience knows the whole vampire lore garbage.

p4 You have "Ben rattles his chains and Moans" - do we see Ben? If we do not maybe you better have it as "Rattling of chains, Moaning"(something like that).
You know... this is one of those things where I get conflicting information.
Some people want off screen characters named the moment they "do" anything while others, such as you've just pointed out, and I understand what you mean, suggest just sounds should be written as just sounds with names and character introductions made at first camera appearence.
I dunno.
Thoughts? Anyone?

p6 "A moment later his shoes, and clothes, crackling on fire" - I don't know whose, George's or Ed's.
Ed's.
The window is a portal.
So is the fireplace, but something of an... excremental portal.  
George throws Ed into the mirror, Liz consumes Ed and excretes the clothes and shoes out of the fireplace a moment later. I thought it would make a helluva visual.

Sanderson -
I think you could benefit from focusing on making your descriptions simpler and more concrete. A part from that I like the story and characters but I think your ending needed more of a punch to it.
Understood. Working on it. Thank you and understood, again.

Greg -
We're learning about Liz and Ben from the get-go but aren't properly introduced to them until late in the story.  And Ben I didn't really see his purpose but it's possible I missed something.
Correct, The story is about George and what he does for his "family". Liz and Ben are supporting characters, Ed is a tool to get something done, not at all a protagonist. Ben is something akin to a child or a pet dog. Pet ghoul in this case.

E.D. -
There are some very strong visuals here, but they are mired in novel like writing.
Yep.
I swung the bat too far the other way from Lapse.
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1283983839/s-15/highlight-/#num15

I confess I skipped over most of the freeze frame montage. Perhaps repeating just the word CRACK! would do the trick?
Yeah, that was VCR instructions for a director rather than reading material for readers. My bad.
(Probably) won't happen again (for a while).


Thank you, guys.
Your perspectives and directions are valued.




Revision History (5 edits; 1 reasons shown)
RayW  -  October 24th, 2010, 7:36am
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