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Guilt Trip - OWC (currently 3465 views) |
Don |
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 8:36am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Guilt Trip by ? - Short, Drama - A short fare across town turns into a guilt trip down memory lane. - pdf, format |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
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LC |
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 8:48am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7582 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Ooh, first cab off the rank. Sorry couldn't resist. Nothing like a guilty conscience. Some nice themes here., and some nice dialogue. Perhaps a bit shorter is my only suggestion. |
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Reply: 1 - 31 |
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SimonM |
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 11:11am |
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SPOILERS AHEAD
Felt this was a bit of a roundabout journey to find a disappointing destination.
The first scene was nice - although not original (what is) it was still a nice touch. But after that...
Too much dialogue - no, too much voice over monologue. Everyone has an opinion on VO, but while I don't mind it, I think it needs to be used appropriately. Here there's far too much of it - and it makes this more like a radio play!
Couple of other points: Give the Executive a name. It doesn't work just calling him by a title throughout like this, not when the Driver is also anonymous. Is the intention that he's a "type"?
$12 million doesn't sound much nowadays. Loose change to a multinational I would have thought.
The Brooklynese speech of the driver soon got wearing.
"satchel"? Briefcase surely?
Not an expert but wouldn't the Driver be in serious trouble for not displaying his badge properly?
The basic idea was interesting - but I'm not sure it held water really. Its a cliche to have a guilt ridden banker type - and just because a Taxi Driver knew the address he was going to, surely that wouldn't be enough to cause this level of anxiety. Aren't taxi drivers supposed to know where they are going?
One final thought - the driver wears ray bans and drinks in the same club as a City exec - how much does he earn?
Not bad all round though.
3 out of 5
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Reply: 2 - 31 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 3:22pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Hmmm
I liked some of the banter here and the escalating panic of the exec was good too, but...
Why did he leap to such a conclusion? Just because he knew the address?
And the twist felt somewhat of a let down, definitely didn't see it coming but left me with 'oh, was that it?'
Overall not too bad but I wanted a punchier end. |
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Reply: 3 - 31 |
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Reef Dreamer |
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 3:23am |
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Old Timer Part time writer
LocationThe Island of Jersey Posts2612 Posts Per Day 0.57 |
Starting in space, this was meant to be low budget?? We'll never know what they can do these days.
I liked the misunderstanding. The guilt of a memory roving not to be the issue. There was a Reasonable amount of tension.
Like most here it needs a clean up and focus, but the lasting impression of someone carrying a guilt, what they will do to hide, how they misunderstand and jump to conclusions in a defensive manner is decent turf.
Pass/consider - I'll ponder
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Reply: 4 - 31 |
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Jeremiah Johnson |
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 3:40am |
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Posts317 Posts Per Day 0.08 |
Opening slug - probably should have this different. Just the opening has this budget up there. I'll keep going. Numbers should be spelled out (so I've heard) but didn't slow me down. Again being picky, I thought cabs had one long seat in the back. He kept going from seat to seat in the back. Just clear that up.
Okay after all that, I liked it. The dialogue was good for the most part representing a New York accent. I know most want a bigger twist at the end, but for me it was appropriate and fit. Good job here. |
| My Scripts: SHORTS Bed Bugs I Got The Shaft No Clowning Around Fool's Gold Five Days for Redemption
TELEVISION Father, Forgive Me Sheriff of Nowhere |
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Reply: 5 - 31 |
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SimonM |
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 5:04am |
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Again being picky, I thought cabs had one long seat in the back. He kept going from seat to seat in the back. Just clear that up.
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I took this to mean he was sliding along the seat from one side to the other (ie passenger side to driver's side) but it wasn't very clear. |
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Reply: 6 - 31 |
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Jeremiah Johnson |
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 6:43am |
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Posts317 Posts Per Day 0.08 |
Quoted from SimonM
I took this to mean he was sliding along the seat from one side to the other (ie passenger side to driver's side) but it wasn't very clear.
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I was thinking that but that's not how it read. It didn't really slow it down, just me being a pain in the back seat! |
| My Scripts: SHORTS Bed Bugs I Got The Shaft No Clowning Around Fool's Gold Five Days for Redemption
TELEVISION Father, Forgive Me Sheriff of Nowhere |
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Reply: 7 - 31 |
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Wes |
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 1:59pm |
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New
LocationOakland, CA 94602 Posts164 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
Couple of typos but no big deal. I'd get rid of "MORE" and "CONTINUED" it's just clutter. The tension was good throughout. Have to agree that the written accent got to be a bit tedious. Seems that old habits never die and the cab driver is still scamming people. Generally nice work but the ending was a let-down for me. |
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Reply: 8 - 31 |
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grademan |
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 5:40pm |
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Been Around
LocationWisconsin Posts872 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
I liked it. Good premise: An executive who owed a cab driver money is reminded to pay up -- more or less. Consider trimming the current script to a tight story and it might make a good light short. Maybe drop the NY thing completely so it connects with a wider audience. (Wait. That's wrong. NY is pretty much familiar to the whole world and who doesn't like a good NY accent?) Or, amp it up to be a little grittier. The executive is a tough as nails NYer who doesn't negotiate with cab drivers might be one way to go. One real easy fix. Name your major characters. The I Love Lucy show was not called the I Love HOUSEWIFE show.
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Reply: 9 - 31 |
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RichardR |
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 7:44am |
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Posts889 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
Some notes.
I liked this one. A nice build up with a reversal. Good job.
Best Richard |
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Reply: 10 - 31 |
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SAC |
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 2:03pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3201 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Writer,
Nice job on finishing this in a weeks time. You have a good message to relay regarding your story, but in between this is so overwritten and had EXECUTIVE speaking aloud to himself numerous times, as well as saying the same thing numerous times. There's no need for that. Once will do, and you're free to write on about other things, like building the action with your writing and not with your dialogue. Your action blocks can be trimmed and you could probably cut down at least a page here and streamline this into a nice, quick read. With those things, your story would probably shine through stronger. Also, in the future it'd be best to give your characters actual names. It'll help the reader latch onto your characters better than Driver and Executive.
Overall, needs work. Good effort!
Steve |
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Reply: 11 - 31 |
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Dreamscale |
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 2:16pm |
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I'm out on page 1. Why in the world would you start this with a 6 line passage from outer space? Why would you begin it with "We see"?
3rd passages again begins with "We see".
No name for your characters?
Oh boy...sorry, I'm done here.
Grade - D- |
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Reply: 12 - 31 |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 3:52pm |
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Wow. Using cheesy VO to relay the character's thoughts. I hate that so much. It just reminds me of every bad film I've ever seen.
I got past the first page and your dialogue was pretty good. I wanted to know more. I even got over all the irritating facial expressions as action lines. But the VO is a killer for me. Some of the action reads a bit funky too.
A pass. |
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Reply: 13 - 31 |
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Warren |
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 12:08am |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
First off, some good tension building throughout.
Not really my kind of story .
Need to loose the we sees.
There are grammar issues and some passive writing.
The constant V.O.’s get really annoying really quickly.
Some of the slugs could be written better. |
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Reply: 14 - 31 |
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