SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 9:18am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  Jackrabbit - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Jackrabbit - OWC  (currently 3259 views)
Don
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 8:37am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Jackrabbit by The Phantom Menace - Short, Sci Fi, Comedy - A rookie driver and a taxi that can can go back in time fifteen minutes so the client can never be late. With a skeptic as the fare, what can possibly go wrong? - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Hunter
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 11:38am Report to Moderator
New



Location
WA, USA
Posts
121
Posts Per Day
0.04
Interesting concept. I thoroughly enjoyed this story, I wish it went on for longer.

By the way, there's a typo on page 3, where it says GWes instead of WES.


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 29
CindyLKeller
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1467
Posts Per Day
0.20
Nice. Original.

What a description: somewhere between a biker momma and science nerd. LOL

There were more than one typo... What it is, is you're "m's". You're missing a lot of them. Missing a period.

But, I enjoyed the read. Wish I had one of those cabs for myself.

Good job.
Congrats on completing the challenge.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 29
AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
The number of typos is distracting, but it's OWC so time may well have run out...

Liked the premise of this but was dialogue heavy, not sure you needed so much as it felt Wes was explaining the story.

But with some editing and more reliance on showing I think this would be good.

I wonder... do you need the bagel scene??? just a thought.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 3 - 29
stevie
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
Lol, really good concept but handled in a very awkward way. The first couple of scenes have absolutely no flow at all. The dialogue is very stilted and I kept having to re-read most of it. Once we learn whats going on, it goes a bit smoother, and I love the paradoxes and stuff that comes with any 'tie travel' lol.

Give it a consider as it has real potential




Revision History (1 edits)
stevie  -  August 14th, 2016, 3:42pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 29
stevemiles
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 6:13am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
745
Posts Per Day
0.16

So who was trapped?  Was it Brock?  Interesting idea but I got so lost in the dialogue as you tried to explain the concept that I’m not sure what the story was all about.  I’d consider spending less time trying to tell us the concept and focus more on showing us how this time taxi works.  A good idea but for me it needs more fun, less science and a good proofread.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 29
irish eyes
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 8:23am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1865
Posts Per Day
0.37
A lot typos, missing letters... spelt 'fro' instead  of 'for' a few times.

One of the more original scripts I've read and I really enjoyed the set up, trapped in a loop.
Obviously both were trapped but only Wes knew about it... a shitty dilemma to be stuck in.

Good writing and great pacing

Good job on entering and remember to read other scripts


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 29
SimonM
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 10:27am Report to Moderator
Guest User



I'm afraid I just couldn't get into this - I had to reread the opening scene several times just to try to get a grip on it and after that I really struggled to continue.

The idea is nice, but it's very sluggishly developed and ironically seemed to take far to long to get to the end.

Now, I don't usually mention typos as I think the story is more important than the typing - but...is the M missing from your keyboard? Seriously it was distracting in the extreme and sloppy. Even if you were pushing against the deadline, the spell check should have thrown most of them up and you could have corrected some of them.

Sorry but when you are trying to read it and every few words has a issue it gets wearing.

3 out of 5 - for the concept, which I liked - not the execution.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 7 - 29
Wes
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Oakland, CA 94602
Posts
164
Posts Per Day
0.05
Well, time loops can be redundant, can't they?
Would it be possible to skip the first time Brock is in the cab and compress everything into the second cab visit -- where Wes solves his problem of proof?
I did like the concept.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 29
grademan
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.16
A good round of editing would have helped this tremendously. When I see long blocks of dialogue, there's often way too much talking in the set up. " I could tell you, but it’s better if you find out for yourself." Georgia, owner of Jackrabbit Cabs
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 29
LC
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34
Good idea, bit all over the road in execution. Time travel stories are always mind benders and the key is often in the writing. Definitely rewrite as it's an inventive concept. I didn't get that Brock was trapped. And I read 'pigs in his pockets' thinking it was some new slang daggy me is not up with, then finally realised typo: digs. Duh, me.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 29
Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 11:41pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
317
Posts Per Day
0.08
I tried to get into this but your keyboard has an "m" problem.  Not every time because the next sentence will have an "m" just fine.  Glad you can think up a complicated story in such a short time, and with more thought, could get it sounding right on page.  As it stands now, I can't follow it.  Interesting, but lost me.  Stay at it though.


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 29
Cameron
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 12:47am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Interesting idea, well paced and overall an enjoyable read. I'd say this was one of the better efforts, but the typos kinda ruined this one for me.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 12 - 29
DustinBowcot
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 2:13am Report to Moderator
Guest User



I honestly couldn't get past the first page.

This is a garage with a table? Do people have picnics at this garage? Maybe you have a specific garage in mind? I'm assuming garage as in petrol station. Just too confusing for me.

A pass.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 13 - 29
RichardR
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 7:47am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
889
Posts Per Day
0.26
Some notes.

I liked the premise.  I thought the explanation was unnecessary.  It doesn't matter how it works, just that it does.  And if it could go wrong once or twice...

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 29
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    August 2016 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006