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Jackrabbit - OWC (currently 3259 views) |
Don |
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 8:37am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Jackrabbit by The Phantom Menace - Short, Sci Fi, Comedy - A rookie driver and a taxi that can can go back in time fifteen minutes so the client can never be late. With a skeptic as the fare, what can possibly go wrong? - pdf, format |
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Hunter |
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 11:38am |
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LocationWA, USA Posts121 Posts Per Day 0.04 |
Interesting concept. I thoroughly enjoyed this story, I wish it went on for longer.
By the way, there's a typo on page 3, where it says GWes instead of WES. |
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Reply: 1 - 29 |
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CindyLKeller |
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 12:07pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1467 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Nice. Original.
What a description: somewhere between a biker momma and science nerd. LOL
There were more than one typo... What it is, is you're "m's". You're missing a lot of them. Missing a period.
But, I enjoyed the read. Wish I had one of those cabs for myself.
Good job. Congrats on completing the challenge.
Cindy |
| Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Reply: 2 - 29 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 3:34pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
The number of typos is distracting, but it's OWC so time may well have run out...
Liked the premise of this but was dialogue heavy, not sure you needed so much as it felt Wes was explaining the story.
But with some editing and more reliance on showing I think this would be good.
I wonder... do you need the bagel scene??? just a thought. |
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Reply: 3 - 29 |
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stevie |
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 6:22pm |
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Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Lol, really good concept but handled in a very awkward way. The first couple of scenes have absolutely no flow at all. The dialogue is very stilted and I kept having to re-read most of it. Once we learn whats going on, it goes a bit smoother, and I love the paradoxes and stuff that comes with any 'tie travel' lol.
Give it a consider as it has real potential |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
stevie - August 14th, 2016, 3:42pm | | |
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Reply: 4 - 29 |
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stevemiles |
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 6:13am |
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January Project Group
Posts745 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
So who was trapped? Was it Brock? Interesting idea but I got so lost in the dialogue as you tried to explain the concept that I’m not sure what the story was all about. I’d consider spending less time trying to tell us the concept and focus more on showing us how this time taxi works. A good idea but for me it needs more fun, less science and a good proofread.
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Reply: 5 - 29 |
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irish eyes |
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 8:23am |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
A lot typos, missing letters... spelt 'fro' instead of 'for' a few times.
One of the more original scripts I've read and I really enjoyed the set up, trapped in a loop. Obviously both were trapped but only Wes knew about it... a shitty dilemma to be stuck in.
Good writing and great pacing
Good job on entering and remember to read other scripts |
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Reply: 6 - 29 |
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SimonM |
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 10:27am |
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I'm afraid I just couldn't get into this - I had to reread the opening scene several times just to try to get a grip on it and after that I really struggled to continue.
The idea is nice, but it's very sluggishly developed and ironically seemed to take far to long to get to the end.
Now, I don't usually mention typos as I think the story is more important than the typing - but...is the M missing from your keyboard? Seriously it was distracting in the extreme and sloppy. Even if you were pushing against the deadline, the spell check should have thrown most of them up and you could have corrected some of them.
Sorry but when you are trying to read it and every few words has a issue it gets wearing.
3 out of 5 - for the concept, which I liked - not the execution. |
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Reply: 7 - 29 |
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Wes |
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 2:29pm |
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LocationOakland, CA 94602 Posts164 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
Well, time loops can be redundant, can't they? Would it be possible to skip the first time Brock is in the cab and compress everything into the second cab visit -- where Wes solves his problem of proof? I did like the concept. |
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Reply: 8 - 29 |
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grademan |
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 6:18pm |
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Been Around
LocationWisconsin Posts872 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
A good round of editing would have helped this tremendously. When I see long blocks of dialogue, there's often way too much talking in the set up. " I could tell you, but it’s better if you find out for yourself." Georgia, owner of Jackrabbit Cabs |
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Reply: 9 - 29 |
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LC |
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 8:44pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7581 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Good idea, bit all over the road in execution. Time travel stories are always mind benders and the key is often in the writing. Definitely rewrite as it's an inventive concept. I didn't get that Brock was trapped. And I read 'pigs in his pockets' thinking it was some new slang daggy me is not up with, then finally realised typo: digs. Duh, me.
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Reply: 10 - 29 |
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Jeremiah Johnson |
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 11:41pm |
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Posts317 Posts Per Day 0.08 |
I tried to get into this but your keyboard has an "m" problem. Not every time because the next sentence will have an "m" just fine. Glad you can think up a complicated story in such a short time, and with more thought, could get it sounding right on page. As it stands now, I can't follow it. Interesting, but lost me. Stay at it though. |
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Reply: 11 - 29 |
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Cameron |
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 12:47am |
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Interesting idea, well paced and overall an enjoyable read. I'd say this was one of the better efforts, but the typos kinda ruined this one for me. |
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Reply: 12 - 29 |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 2:13am |
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I honestly couldn't get past the first page.
This is a garage with a table? Do people have picnics at this garage? Maybe you have a specific garage in mind? I'm assuming garage as in petrol station. Just too confusing for me.
A pass. |
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Reply: 13 - 29 |
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RichardR |
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 7:47am |
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Posts889 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
Some notes.
I liked the premise. I thought the explanation was unnecessary. It doesn't matter how it works, just that it does. And if it could go wrong once or twice...
Best Richard |
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Reply: 14 - 29 |
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