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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  A Man Dies - OWC
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  Author    A Man Dies - OWC  (currently 3402 views)
RichardR
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 9:56am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

A futuristic, dystopian world that doesn't need all the description you gave it.  That's me.  I find in Screenwriting less is more.

My problem with this world is that despite its advances, it can't cure this guy?  Or if it can't cure, why would it kill him by dehydration?  A simple red light instead of blue...done.  But that's me and my take on future worlds that are advanced in only one or two areas.  

Best
Richard
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SimonM
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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This is the third script I've read that has a robot driver killing their passenger. This one also has an author as the victim, as did one of the others.

I tend to agree with the above comments - there was a good idea here, but it was overwritten and very difficult to get through. I found my mind wandering more than once.

Still, what do I know - just read a comment on my script that dismisses it as "bad writing", so how can I comment on someone else's work? You are probably Van Gogh...

Anyway, 3 out of 5 for me - it was a powerful idea and had very strong writing at times, but just tipped over into "too much" too many times for me.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SimonM

Still, what do I know - just read a comment on my script that dismisses it as "bad writing", so how can I comment on someone else's work? You are probably Van Gogh...


I think you've just given away which script you wrote.
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SimonM
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 12:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot


I think you've just given away which script you wrote.


So?
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Wes
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
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Pretentious and overwritten.
I got through the whole thing but it was a struggle.
It's an interesting idea but the writing needs to be cut back.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SimonM


So?


It's an anonymous challenge.

The weaker writers crumble once the bad reviews start rolling in. A better option is to private message members and beg for sympathetic reviews. It's way less unbecoming... unless you pm me of course, and I grass you up to the whole forum.

Anyway, well done for trying.
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eldave1
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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Definitely not low budget per the parameters of the challenge. This would cost a fortune. And that is a shame because it is a missed opportunity.  I believe that the writer can take the same premise (quarantine) and make the driver human and deliver something that fits the requirements.

There are some areas of extreme over writing. For example - right out of the gates:


Quoted Text
HOWLING WIND whips a cluster of PAMPHLETS along the empty
concrete. Hand-printed words flurried into incoherence.

The paper cluster BREAKS on a bus stop of sheer, transparent
glass. Wind scatters its constituent pieces into the world.


As a note - I'm pretty sure glass takes care of the see through part - don't need transparent. But to me, this is 4 lines that could easily be one or two with no loss in value. There were similar issues throughout.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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grademan
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 10:12pm Report to Moderator
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My first foreign art film on this site. I was almost out at "constituent parts." I really hate to pull out early. But I was done at the bottom of page one.  Maybe a manuscript might work out for this story better.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 1:48am Report to Moderator
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This is all too much. Two pages for a guy to get from a bus stop and into a taxi. This is screenwriting. I like flowery intros but this is taking the Michael.

A pass.
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Stumpzian
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 9:04am Report to Moderator
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Yes, you are guilty of committing literature. Sorry be the umpteeth person to say this, but it's best to hear (and accept) it as early as possible. This applies to short stories and novels, too. Be yourself.

The story is interesting. How would a person quarantined until death choose to spend the time? Listen to Paganini? Watch a Chaplin movie? Pray? Emmet chooses to read from his manuscript. This reminds me of that old poem in which a man says to the Universe, "Sir, I exist!" and the Universe replies, "Yes, but that does not create in me a sense of obligation." What if Emmet realized this while reading?  I'm just thinking outloud here. For whatever it's worth.

Henry



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MarkItZero
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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I actually didn't have a problem with the descriptions. I mean, they are wildly overwritten. Not debating that. But for some reason I still found it to be an easy read. I liked the story and I liked the main character and that was enough to keep me hooked. The part where he insists on getting rid of the artificial silence so he can hear the wind, that was a great character moment. Dialogue was good too.

You know what, screw it, I'm giving you a CONSIDER.  


That rug really tied the room together.
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khamanna
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 3:46am Report to Moderator
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I'm thinking it's a good idea, a complete script with the beginning, middle and end.

My concern is - for some reason it's a bit far-fetched for me. Hard to buy into.
It maybe the writing that threw me of - you chose to describe a lot. You provide us with unnecessary detail. Sometimes this sort of writing is useful - when you want to establish the pacing perhaps. Somehow in this - it's a distraction. Maybe just me.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 6:01am Report to Moderator
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That was an eloquently written, atmospheric sci-fi short story. As prose, it is wonderful and I found it an enjoyable read. You have the imagination and writing skill for sure. However, it is totally unproducable as a screenplay and not just because of the budget, which is quite large for this.

I'd suggest cutting the description to the bare bones until all you have is the minimum blueprint to get your story across. Then, to give it your own voice and style, add some lean bits of flair to make your script stand out.

Spec scripts are an invitation to collaborate. If you are too descriptive, not only does this put people off reading it but it doesn't leave any room for input from the director, producer and actors.  

I hope my comments are useful.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 8:43pm Report to Moderator
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Yep.  Sorry to say I'm with the others.  Shorter, cleaner, not so flowery and it would be shorter which would allow you to pack your punch even more.  The story's there, just hidden behind the writing.


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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stevemiles
Posted: August 20th, 2016, 4:37am Report to Moderator
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Love the idea - a taxi/mobile quarantine unit - creepy and ultimately brutal.  Another one where the AI is geared to serve humanity by murdering their fare.  The dialogue between Jer and Emmett served no real purpose other than to tell us the bus was no longer running.  

Perhaps give us more indication that Emmett is sick, is that the reason he’s drinking?  Not sure that comes across.  Could give us a hint that the cab is ‘checking’ Emmett out - a little intrigue to keep us invested and something that clues us in to something not being right.

Emmett seemed to give up too easily and some of Ursula’s dialogue seemed odd - more ‘reasoned’, humanlike than a binary system answer (p.6 ‘It’s you or them’ and p.7 ‘Many works of art… etc’).  But mostly it worked well - still charging him a surcharge for the services despite keeping him there to die, darkly comic.  

Writing wise it’s a little too novelistic for my tastes - and I’m not exactly against adding a little detail here and there myself.  Not enough to tune me out of a short, but I doubt I’d be sticking around to read a feature in this style.  There’s atmosphere but you could stand to dial back the adjectives and still get the idea across.

All in all I think it’s a solid premise, very much one worth coming back to.  Good work.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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