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A futuristic, dystopian world that doesn't need all the description you gave it. That's me. I find in Screenwriting less is more.
My problem with this world is that despite its advances, it can't cure this guy? Or if it can't cure, why would it kill him by dehydration? A simple red light instead of blue...done. But that's me and my take on future worlds that are advanced in only one or two areas.
This is the third script I've read that has a robot driver killing their passenger. This one also has an author as the victim, as did one of the others.
I tend to agree with the above comments - there was a good idea here, but it was overwritten and very difficult to get through. I found my mind wandering more than once.
Still, what do I know - just read a comment on my script that dismisses it as "bad writing", so how can I comment on someone else's work? You are probably Van Gogh...
Anyway, 3 out of 5 for me - it was a powerful idea and had very strong writing at times, but just tipped over into "too much" too many times for me.
Still, what do I know - just read a comment on my script that dismisses it as "bad writing", so how can I comment on someone else's work? You are probably Van Gogh...
I think you've just given away which script you wrote.
The weaker writers crumble once the bad reviews start rolling in. A better option is to private message members and beg for sympathetic reviews. It's way less unbecoming... unless you pm me of course, and I grass you up to the whole forum.
Definitely not low budget per the parameters of the challenge. This would cost a fortune. And that is a shame because it is a missed opportunity. I believe that the writer can take the same premise (quarantine) and make the driver human and deliver something that fits the requirements.
There are some areas of extreme over writing. For example - right out of the gates:
Quoted Text
HOWLING WIND whips a cluster of PAMPHLETS along the empty concrete. Hand-printed words flurried into incoherence.
The paper cluster BREAKS on a bus stop of sheer, transparent glass. Wind scatters its constituent pieces into the world.
As a note - I'm pretty sure glass takes care of the see through part - don't need transparent. But to me, this is 4 lines that could easily be one or two with no loss in value. There were similar issues throughout.
My first foreign art film on this site. I was almost out at "constituent parts." I really hate to pull out early. But I was done at the bottom of page one. Maybe a manuscript might work out for this story better.
This is all too much. Two pages for a guy to get from a bus stop and into a taxi. This is screenwriting. I like flowery intros but this is taking the Michael.
Yes, you are guilty of committing literature. Sorry be the umpteeth person to say this, but it's best to hear (and accept) it as early as possible. This applies to short stories and novels, too. Be yourself.
The story is interesting. How would a person quarantined until death choose to spend the time? Listen to Paganini? Watch a Chaplin movie? Pray? Emmet chooses to read from his manuscript. This reminds me of that old poem in which a man says to the Universe, "Sir, I exist!" and the Universe replies, "Yes, but that does not create in me a sense of obligation." What if Emmet realized this while reading? I'm just thinking outloud here. For whatever it's worth.
I actually didn't have a problem with the descriptions. I mean, they are wildly overwritten. Not debating that. But for some reason I still found it to be an easy read. I liked the story and I liked the main character and that was enough to keep me hooked. The part where he insists on getting rid of the artificial silence so he can hear the wind, that was a great character moment. Dialogue was good too.
You know what, screw it, I'm giving you a CONSIDER.
I'm thinking it's a good idea, a complete script with the beginning, middle and end.
My concern is - for some reason it's a bit far-fetched for me. Hard to buy into. It maybe the writing that threw me of - you chose to describe a lot. You provide us with unnecessary detail. Sometimes this sort of writing is useful - when you want to establish the pacing perhaps. Somehow in this - it's a distraction. Maybe just me.
That was an eloquently written, atmospheric sci-fi short story. As prose, it is wonderful and I found it an enjoyable read. You have the imagination and writing skill for sure. However, it is totally unproducable as a screenplay and not just because of the budget, which is quite large for this.
I'd suggest cutting the description to the bare bones until all you have is the minimum blueprint to get your story across. Then, to give it your own voice and style, add some lean bits of flair to make your script stand out.
Spec scripts are an invitation to collaborate. If you are too descriptive, not only does this put people off reading it but it doesn't leave any room for input from the director, producer and actors.
I hope my comments are useful.
-Mark
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Yep. Sorry to say I'm with the others. Shorter, cleaner, not so flowery and it would be shorter which would allow you to pack your punch even more. The story's there, just hidden behind the writing.
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Love the idea - a taxi/mobile quarantine unit - creepy and ultimately brutal. Another one where the AI is geared to serve humanity by murdering their fare. The dialogue between Jer and Emmett served no real purpose other than to tell us the bus was no longer running.
Perhaps give us more indication that Emmett is sick, is that the reason he’s drinking? Not sure that comes across. Could give us a hint that the cab is ‘checking’ Emmett out - a little intrigue to keep us invested and something that clues us in to something not being right.
Emmett seemed to give up too easily and some of Ursula’s dialogue seemed odd - more ‘reasoned’, humanlike than a binary system answer (p.6 ‘It’s you or them’ and p.7 ‘Many works of art… etc’). But mostly it worked well - still charging him a surcharge for the services despite keeping him there to die, darkly comic.
Writing wise it’s a little too novelistic for my tastes - and I’m not exactly against adding a little detail here and there myself. Not enough to tune me out of a short, but I doubt I’d be sticking around to read a feature in this style. There’s atmosphere but you could stand to dial back the adjectives and still get the idea across.
All in all I think it’s a solid premise, very much one worth coming back to. Good work.
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