SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 4:04pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  A Man Dies - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    A Man Dies - OWC  (currently 3404 views)
ChrisBodily
Posted: August 22nd, 2016, 10:14pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
572
Posts Per Day
0.17
12pt Courier on title page, no bold or italics, good.

Unnumbered first page, good.

Proper "FADE IN:", good.

Bold slugs.  

I had to reread your opening to understand it. Very nice and descriptive, though.

Second slug should read:

Code

INT. BUS STOP - DAY



"Flask" definition for those, like me, who need it.

Also had to Google the word "Sidle."

Code

JER
Fist U[-]Cab's yours[,] if you want. I'm 
always five minutes ahead of early.



P2 you might want to rewrite the top line as:

Code

He [Jer] makes a beer glass gesture and "taps" it against Emmett's flask. Cheers.



Much more coherent that way.

Emmett or the flask "studies Jer"?

Code

He [Jer] pulls the door open. Like a seal is broken -- WIND HOWLS.



"Two riders were approaching, and the WIND began to HOWL."

Code

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY



Now, that's a proper slug.

You plan to use a wind machine, right? Or real wind?

Personally, I think UCab would read better as U-Cab, or even uCab; I prefer the former, myself.

Establishing a villain by the end of page 2. Awesome.

P3 Ursula. Exotic name.

Whoa. You might need a Tron budget for this.

45 degrees? Clockwise or counter? I'm getting Exorcist vibes.

P4

I/E. should instead be INT/EXT. Lots of rookies make this mistake.

"Until he is asleep." Passive. Maybe, "falls asleep."

Beautiful writing, but it might be too novel-y.

Nice use of a mini slug.

Comma before "quiet as a paragraph."

Had to Google ignoble. In other words, "a rudely abrupt end," right?

P5

No longer on domestic soil. I wonder what that could mean?

No door handle? Scary.

Had to double-check the definition of "impervious."

P6

"It's you or them." Great line! Short, simple, and to the point.

"[...][curls] away into the subdivision."

How old are these girls?

P7

You almost nailed your page break, but it needs a (CONTINUED) at the top of the page. Your program should be able to do this automatically.

Yikes! Ursula has no appreciation for art? Who programmed her?

P8

The only acceptable times of day are DAY, NIGHT, and occasionally DUSK.

P9

Really stretching that budget.

Don't know if the (re: movie) parenthetical is needed. We can tell from his dialogue that he's referring to the movie.

Normally, try to limit time of day to DAY or NIGHT.

How do you plan on filming all this sun, moon, and now dew?

The first orphan I've spotted: "manuscript."

P10

Huh? Is this an time elapse? Might want to specify.

Ambiguous ending.

Beautifully written. One of the top scripts.

Recommend. A+


FADE IN:
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 30 - 34
Hunter
Posted: August 24th, 2016, 2:17am Report to Moderator
New



Location
WA, USA
Posts
121
Posts Per Day
0.04
Too much description, and it took a little too long to get to the interesting part, but when it got there it was very interesting.


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 31 - 34
realxwriter
Posted: August 26th, 2016, 12:49pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Posts
180
Posts Per Day
0.04
I loved the vivid description of the world. But the storyline end up nowhere. I mean I expected a more satisfying conclusion to his story. You are undeniably talented, but the story is missing something. At first, I thought the whole quarantine thing is just a nightmare. Then I thought that it was just an excuse to kill him, because he was going to reveal something about that corporation. And I kept trying to find meaning in all of it, but as it ended, I couldn't find any. Maybe what you were going for was too subtle and I missed it.

Well done.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 32 - 34
Heretic
Posted: September 1st, 2016, 8:39am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Posts
2023
Posts Per Day
0.28
Hey all,

A big thanks for all the comments!

It's true -- I've been writing far too much prose and far too few scripts lately. Overwritten. Guilty.

I've also been hit for the excessive vocabulary before. Fair. Noted.

Ready to tell a clearer story next time
Logged Online
Site Private Message Reply: 33 - 34
stevemiles
Posted: September 1st, 2016, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
745
Posts Per Day
0.16
I liked this one.  The concept made more of an impression than the characters and a little more background to this dystopia wouldn't hurt.  Overall the idea of these self-drive cabs serving as mobile quarantine/execution chambers to a plague ridden population is an interesting one.  Be happy to give it a read if ever you take it further.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 34 - 34
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    August 2016 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006