12pt Courier on title page, no bold or italics, good.
Unnumbered first page, good.
Proper "FADE IN:", good.
Bold slugs.
I had to reread your opening to understand it. Very nice and descriptive, though.
Second slug should read:
"Flask" definition for those, like me, who need it.
Also had to Google the word
"Sidle."
Code JER
Fist U[-]Cab's yours[,] if you want. I'm
always five minutes ahead of early. |
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P2 you might want to rewrite the top line as:
Code He [Jer] makes a beer glass gesture and "taps" it against Emmett's flask. Cheers. |
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Much more coherent that way.
Emmett or the flask "studies Jer"?
Code He [Jer] pulls the door open. Like a seal is broken -- WIND HOWLS. |
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"Two riders were approaching, and the WIND began to HOWL."
Now, that's a proper slug.
You plan to use a wind machine, right? Or real wind?
Personally, I think UCab would read better as U-Cab, or even uCab; I prefer the former, myself.
Establishing a villain by the end of page 2. Awesome.
P3 Ursula. Exotic name.
Whoa. You might need a Tron budget for this.
45 degrees? Clockwise or counter? I'm getting Exorcist vibes.
P4
I/E. should instead be INT/EXT. Lots of rookies make this mistake.
"Until he is asleep." Passive. Maybe, "falls asleep."
Beautiful writing, but it might be too novel-y.
Nice use of a mini slug.
Comma before "quiet as a paragraph."
Had to Google ignoble. In other words, "a rudely abrupt end," right?
P5
No longer on domestic soil. I wonder what that could mean?
No door handle? Scary.
Had to double-check the definition of "impervious."
P6
"It's you or them." Great line! Short, simple, and to the point.
"[...][curls] away into the subdivision."
How old are these girls?
P7
You
almost nailed your page break, but it needs a (CONTINUED) at the top of the page. Your program should be able to do this automatically.
Yikes! Ursula has no appreciation for art? Who programmed her?
P8
The only acceptable times of day are DAY, NIGHT, and occasionally DUSK.
P9
Really stretching that budget.
Don't know if the (re: movie) parenthetical is needed. We can tell from his dialogue that he's referring to the movie.
Normally, try to limit time of day to DAY or NIGHT.
How do you plan on filming all this sun, moon, and now dew?
The first orphan I've spotted: "manuscript."
P10
Huh? Is this an time elapse? Might want to specify.
Ambiguous ending.
Beautifully written. One of the top scripts.
Recommend. A+