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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  Bangkok, U.S.A. - OWC
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  Author    Bangkok, U.S.A. - OWC  (currently 4052 views)
Don
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 8:41am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bangkok, U.S.A. by 0 - Short, Weird - A pizza enthusiast discovers he may have eaten his last slice... - pdf, format


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Heretic
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't know this song. Thank you. It's awesome.

Yep. It's a beauty. A perfect short for a director looking to show off. It's fun enough to watch on the page.

Plenty of room for the next Astron 6 types to make this into a keeper. Hope that happens. Good job.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Trippy ride, that didn't really grab me.

Good effort, and I'm glad to see it has its fans. Just not for me.
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khamanna
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

You started with Sal eating pizza, then switched to Sal meeting Candy man and talking about matters that seemingly don't matter. I stopped understanding what you are leading up to. Then he meets this Italy lady and their conversation is nothing important as it looks to me.

I liked the writing in here and all the descriptions though. But they wouldn't be filming that.
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Cameron
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, not for me.

It's another one where half the time seems to be spent outside of the cab, and then I'm not really sure Sal's stuck there apart from at the end. It was creative, but just bonkers and a bit all over the place.

Anyway, I'm sure some people will get this angle, just not me unfortunately.
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irish eyes
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Wow

well that was interesting to say the least and I like that as the scripts were starting to become repetitive.
I also liked that you didn't spend the first minute in a taxi.

Well written

Good job on entering and remember to read other scripts


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure this strictly fits the rules but hey ho...

Well written and some great descriptive passages, BUT...

A little too off-beat for my taste i'm afraid.

Did love the goldfish though!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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stevie
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Nope, the only thing connecting it with the challenge is a taxi.


Pass




Revision History (1 edits)
stevie  -  August 14th, 2016, 3:45pm
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SimonM
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 7:33am Report to Moderator
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WTF?

I can't comment on this script because I found it unreadable. Incoherent would be putting it politely.

0 out of 5 for me.

Probably win!
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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 7:46am Report to Moderator
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You lost me around page 4. The writing is good but then it gets monotonous. This writer is too in love with their own vocabulary. Trying too hard and it shows.

A pass.
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Warren
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 10:21pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Yes it is definitely weird, not in a good way for me.

Not low budget in any way, so doesn’t meet the criteria of the challenge.

The descriptions are bloated with similes. There might have a small place in screenwriting but you have gone way overboard.

Pass from me.


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SAC
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

This one is like reading an issue of Heavy Metal while poppin tabs! I love the visual style it's told in, and I'm sure all of this makes sense in the world it's written for. Not this world, of course. It adheres to the challenge parameters, and it's unique. Seriously, if you visualize animation more while you read this, I think, you'll get much more out of this. I can't comment on it story-wise because I'm not entirely sure what was happening all the time, but I was with it till a point. Seems like this is indeed geared towards more of a sci-if, graphic novel type deal.  Overwritten in places with some absolutely bizarre passages -- Tony Danza?! Good effort, good writing -- nice job.

Steve


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stevemiles
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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Writing feels familiar...  Distinct.  The writer knows what they want the reader to see and has fun delivering it.  Can’t see it working for everyone, but the form follows content and that works for me.  As long as the story/action remains clear and engaging I’m invested.  And to be honest I was really getting into this but the idea just got away from me at the end.  

I enjoyed the ride but I feel like I just woke up in the backseat and I’m not sure where I am.  I don’t know what a Squiggle is or why they’re considered dangerous - or really what Bambi’s role in this is; a driver?  Squiggle hunter?  Memorable, if only cause I wanted more.  Interested to see the writer’s input.    

First female cabby in twelve scripts…  Kudos for that alone.

‘...his eyes pop over its stretched mozzarella.’  Love this.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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WTF?  A pisser?  Someone on acid, tripping while writing?  Just stupid shit?

No clue...absolutely no clue.  Most likely an inside joke that few are going to get or give a shit about.  Looks like the writer is having fun, though, trying to impress, but impress this won't do.  It's annoying and a waste of time.

based on other comments, sounds like it doesn't even attempt to meet the challenge.

Grade - F
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LC
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 2:18am Report to Moderator
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I reckon you put a lot of work into this. Biggest problem I had was that every character's dialogue was a bit too slick. I think unique dialogue really works for one character when it's in contrast to other more conventional character's dialogue.

Same goes for your descriptions too. It's great to play around with words but you'll impress us when we don't notice the effort. At the moment the 'work' is eclipsing the story. I confess to skimming through a lot, not knowing what the heck was going on, taxi driver seemed like a secondary character and I'm not sure if anyone was trapped.

Story intrigued me in the beginning with the government broadcast but then went on a lot of detours.

You did make me want pizza.

Edit: Took my last line out cause I sounded like a condescending you-know-what.  



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LC  -  August 21st, 2016, 4:29pm
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