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There could be a story roaming around in this one, but as written, it doesn't have one. It's get in the car, ride for a while, repeat over and over that you're an actress, and then go home. I'm firm believer that things happen in stories. Having a few characters talk while moving doesn't quite cut it. And the gal at the restaurant. Can't she lose the order, deliver the wrong thing, delay, delay, delay?
It was a one beat story lasting ten pages - shake it up.
You have a good premise to work with - a relatively naive actress wannabe and her friend trapped in traffic trying to get to the most important meeting of her life.
But it ends in kind of a kerplop - traffic wins. End of story,
Found the dialogue to be redundant. It may be exactly Californian but that doesn't mean it's interesting. Don't see anyone trapped in the cab. Don't see much of a story either. Sorry. Not my kind of thing.
You should watch out for those I pages (only dialogue). If you want to tell a story like that, the dialogue must be exceptional good, intriguing, breathtaking. I wouldn't rip it to pieces but it simply isn't enough yet.
This would be great for a vomit draft (first draft), then trim all the expositional and on-the-nose dialogue and throw in more actions/visuals to display what characters may be thinking. For this to really land, perhaps an exciting twist at the end would be in order, like Michaela calling back and saying he just told his own driver to take him to someplace in the neighborhood they just came from. Keep at it!
Yip, just not complete. Some of Richards's suggestions sound good. Michaela could be the key to this being a comedy of errors - her character is under utilized. Have her give him the wrong order, drop his dinner etc. Of, perhaps the Director is coming back their way (on the opposite side of the road) and they're both trapped in traffic jams, and she hops in his car to audition for him or they speak across a dividing lane with horns tooting etc. Just ramp it up. I suspect time was a factor. Plenty of time to rewrite after the challenge with this as a stepping off point. Is Hudson male or female btw?
Did anything happen here? No witty repartee, no twists, no climactic ending. I never thought she was trapped in the cab since she could get out and jog. (I think I know why the cabbies are all identified as DRIVER in this OWC. It's because if the driver had a name, they wouldn't stick out as the driver. it's a clarity thing) Keep writing!
Didn't work for me at all. Can't really think of any specific ways to improve this. Maybe have Sarah be completely off her rocker in a Sunset Boulevard kind of way. Ending with the cab driver fleeing the vehicle in the middle of traffic. I dunno... you need to work on your dialogue a lot. Just keep reading and writing scripts. Keep at it.
Found no real drive in this to keep going but, I kept reading under the assumption it was going somewhere. I get they we're going uptown/downtown to catch up with some potential big wig at some obscure location but, other than that, It got lost in the translation.As it stands, all these characters appear to be stamped from a cookie cutter.
Perhaps, select 4 random cards (character traits) from a Tarot deck and (somehow) trap them in that same Uber on the freeway, then, have that same director coincidentally stuck in traffic right beside them? OK, I'm reaching...
Maybe have Sarah be completely off her rocker in a Sunset Boulevard kind of way. Ending with the cab driver fleeing the vehicle in the middle of traffic.
That made me laugh our loud - funniest image of this entire OWC.
A good premise, beaming with potential let down by dull dialogue and lack of a story. They start a journey with a pressing deadline, miss the deadline, so go back home. That's...dissapointing to say the least.
Also, no-one was trapped in a taxi.
However, you entered, which is more than I did and the script was reasonably written as well as easy to follow.
-Mark
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Congrats on entering the OWC. This really isn't a comedy because it just isn't funny, in my opinion. There's not much of a story here, and the dialogue seemed to just drag on to keep the page count up. Not really trapped because with the car not moving much, anyone could get out at any time. I would name the driver also. If you would have had the two in the back seat going at it (sex, fight, etc.), it would have at least had some entertainment value. As it stands, not much. Good luck on the rewrite.
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A few of you (Simon, Richard, LC) pointed toward Michaela as what could improve this script, and that's the direction I think I want to go, as it will also fix the time issue and make Sarah feel more stuck.
Addressing the time issue, I figured that it would feel fine, but obviously it didn't.
Addressing whether or not anyone was trapped, I thought I would go a more creative route. In my mind this fit the theme because they are trapped in traffic in a taxi. Obviously some people are more literal than others, I'm not as literal.
I'm debating on whether or not to keep Hudson and Andrea, and I'm leaning towards losing them. They don't need to be there, and they aren't as funny as I thought they would be. With more involvement from Michaela, they become even less necessary.
Hey Hunter, I was okay with being trapped in a taxi in a traffic jam. My offering to the OWC had the same theme.
I think the problem was that we didn't get or feel the sense of urgency to her moment in time.
Maybe if you added other obstacles like a broken heel, torn dress, torn stocking etc.
Or if you decided to make it a dramedy or suspense/drama as if this is her last chance. Perhaps the person at the restaurant tells her that she got the director to interview her, but, she has to make it there in 10 min.
Something. Perhaps more intercuts or phone calls. Something to show that her chance is dwindling away second by second.
You were tied down by the challenge of the OWC. If you rewrite it, you won't have that limitation of being trapped in a taxi and can really delve into the story.
Dan
Ps, what I mean by that is that you don't have to keep her in the taxi. She might get out of the taxi and start running. Or get hit, or shot, or something. The OWC wasn't great for tension because we KNOW she will fail the second she gets in. Make it more ambiguous about how it will end.
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