The Last Cab by Duke Of Weaseltown - Short, Sci Fi - Two lonely cab drivers pick up two passengers who desperately want to see their loved ones during a traffic jam of "biblical" proportions. - pdf, format

The way it was written made it hard to get a sense of what was going on.

That affected the flow quite drastically for me and undermined what potential there was in the story.

This was quite ambitious. It was a little clunky and hard to follow, but I got the gist of what you were trying to do.

I like that you kept the exposition to a minimum. It kept me guessing.

A lot of thought and effort went into this short. Really good effort, just needs a good rewrite or two.

~Zack~

Definitely needs the scene numbers switching off in your software...

Feels like an extended entry for the recent Impact 50 competition... ambitious but doesn't fully work for me but full marks for the attempt.

There were formatting issues,  but that aside, I thought it was a very romantic, but still tragic story.

Congrats,
Cindy

I got the sense of end of the world frantic-ness but suggest you might use a filmic device of slowing down some of the key character's interactions especially during your denouement so I feel the desperation more. Main thing was I got the sense (not entirely sure) that the main couple were never reunited, right? I'd get rid of the 'ex' line, seems irrelevant, distracting.

Dialogue was a bit harsh in parts, Trapped in a taxi? Yep, I think the challenge was met,  

Writer,

Nice, original take on the challenge. In a sense they are trapped in the cab due to the violence in the streets, so I think that qualifies as trapped in a cab. I'm not sure if there's a better way, format-wise, to write the intercut dialogue without getting confused just a little. I was confused just a little, but I grasped it pretty quickly I. And it wasn't too much of an issue that was aided by the fact that the characters all seemed to finish each other's sentences.

I think this works, although there's not much meat on the bones that gives your characters - mainly David and Anna - much depth. A little hint at a broken heart, or a nod to a promise unkept would have served this story well, I think. All the action outside the cab would be costly to film - hard for a director to rustle up so many extras. And you don't necessarily need to let us know what's happening - a meteor - just let us know it's the end, regardless of what it is. That's your choice and just a suggestion as it can really be anything catastrophic.

Pretty good work, just needs more in the way of character development to pull us into and really FEEL that these people need to meet one last time.

Steve

I rather like this one.  I didn't see the end coming until... well, the end.

It's an interesting interpretation of 'trapped in a cab'.  Granted, there's a level of coincidence to it that strains credibility - but the emotional payoff makes it worthwhile, IMO.

The intertwining of the dialogue is fun, too. (A little hard to follow, but that's kind of the nature of the beast there.)

One small recommendation:

A little less description of the characters needed (a Muslim in Muslim attire?)  Though I get that you want to show clearly what they look like.

Other than that, I'd just say give it a polish when it comes to the sentence structure later.  But it's an OWC, so that's to be expected!  )

And yes, this'd kind of be big budget.  But then, I just read another script where the car gets picked up by a magnet and crushed.  (Also kind of a fun read.)  

Took me two goes to read this as the format made it tough. but I tried a second time and got to the end. Very ambitious script with hardly any low budget lol.

But i liked for what you were aiming at despite getting there the long way.

Consider though budget problems may be an obstacle.

Just out of curiosity to anyone who has made a short film? Are scenes in a moving car expensive to the budget?

Coincidentally am getting a book from the library which deals with something similar to what happens in the final scene of this script lol

This one did feel like an extended version of that two page comp about the end of the world due to a meteor.  

I think you did pretty good story wise, but it needs a rewrite or two IMHO.

You describe Anna Zafir and Irsa, but not David. No age, no physical description.

Your INTERCUT doesn't work for me. IMO, you'd be better off using minislugs. Right now, it just gets a bit confusing.

I also think it felt unnecessary for David to call Irsa bitch. That didn't fit.

I liked how Irsa wants to make sure her cab stays nice even though she knows the end is certain and near.

All in all, a good story that just needs to be made an easier read.

Good luck with it.  

Hey, I won't lie, the intercut made me confused here.
But in the end I see the use of it and liked the idea and the script.
I see it this way - a lot of images change quickly as they say their lines.
Nice work.

Muslim man - you already described his attire - that part may be omitted. A man in a Muslim attire will do I think.

Probably film better than it reads because I thought it was all over the place.

Can get rid of the scene numbers.

The whole story was too coincidental, 2 Muslims, 2 passengers, same street, same time, same emotion, what are the odds? Well none, none at all.

Very poor formatting causes me to jump ship rather early and skim.

Get rid of scene headings - it screams "I have no clue".

If you want to use an INTERCUT, you need to learn how to format it, but I am very much against these anyways.  As is, very hard to follow, and since most is all dialogue...and rather dull dialogue, I don't care anymore.

Grade - D

some notes.

I did this once, and it didn't take.  Too much coincidence and too much love at first or last sight.  Also, the formatting left much to be desired.  Hard to visualize.  

Best
Richard

Lots of formatting issues in this one.

Quoted Text IRSA, (45), speaks pretty good english, prays silently. She makes eye contact with David, looks down quickly

"Speaks pretty good English" - is that needed - one we know that when she speaks?

Quoted Text DAVID spots a cab, hails it down.

A little more description of David would have been helpful.

The Intercut scene was difficult to follow.

AN interesting premise - one that I think is better/easier told with one cab and two passengers vs. Two Cabs - it just got too co confusing.