SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 1:03pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  The Last Cab - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The Last Cab - OWC  (currently 3570 views)
Wes
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Oakland, CA 94602
Posts
164
Posts Per Day
0.05
Scene numbers?

Do Anna and Zafir know each other? Seems like they do . . . then they don't.

Does David hail Irsa's cab or does he track her down?

The intercut between the two cabs doesn't work for me. I get the intermingled dialogue but I find myself trying to keep track of which cab I'm in rather than enjoying the single conversation.

Overall the writing is too much of a gimmick for me. And I don't see anyone trapped in a cab.

Sorry, not my thing.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 34
Hunter
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
WA, USA
Posts
121
Posts Per Day
0.04
The back and forth between the two cabs got confusing. Try writing it with less of that, like a few lines in one, a few lines in the other. Good story though.


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 34
PrussianMosby
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.37
Up to p4 I was wondering what's going on and didn't understand the interactions and context. If you go mystery, in my eyes, things should be more exciting. Then we experience the mayhem and eventually the meteor while following the love story. It felt designed and all over the place. The romantic stuff was the potential I could go with, but as said, it reads mixed up and put together in an odd way…



Logged
Private Message Reply: 17 - 34
Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 11:13am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
Ambitious work but because if that really needed to be spot on in format and tempo

Difficult for me to really consider what I thought

Pass


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 18 - 34
Cameron
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 11:48am Report to Moderator
Guest User



It's a nice little story, or tragedy maybe, but all of the aforementioned formatting issues did a fair bit of damage to the reading experience.

Also whilst the meteor is a good turn, the expense of this would blow the budget out of the inexpensive bracket required. Youu could always attach a painted tennis ball to some string, but that would be too close to Be Kind, Rewind territory.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 19 - 34
Heretic
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Posts
2023
Posts Per Day
0.28
What's Muslim attire? Since it's a visual signifier, it'd be nice to know what you mean.

I'd rather have seen a story about two people than four. There's coincidence and there's coincidence.

Kinda Seeking A Friend for the End of the World boiled down to ten pages. What really worked here is that the emotion generally felt genuine. I think the story just needs to happen in a smaller way. Maybe they're just at opposite ends of the same street for the entire short. I dunno, I think the smaller and more personal this story is -- two characters instead of four, one-ish location instead of several -- the more impact it will have.

Like the ambition. Not an easy read, as is. But I think you can turn it into a rewarding one with a story rewrite and, yes, some formatting.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 20 - 34
grademan
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.16
The idea that two estranged couples could reunite, however briefly, before the world ends, is interesting but needs some rewriting/rethinking to work well.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 21 - 34
MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 9:03am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
Unfilmables - E.G. In the cab (from a rival cab company) - how do we know it is a rival cab company?

Bad descriptions - "They try to open her door so they can drag her out." - Here was me thinking they were opening her door so they could get in.

Plus formatting issues and a confusing intercut made this one a chore to get through. A nice idea, way beyond most low-budget producer's reach and no-one was trapped in a taxi but I can see what you were trying to do.



Quoted from stevie


Just out of curiosity to anyone who has made a short film? Are scenes in a moving car expensive to the budget?



It all depends on how official you make your production or how guerrilla style you are willing to go.  
It cost me $400 to hire a rig for a day to hold the camera in place on the car. For the rest we borrowed the car from one of the crew and shot it on a road out in the middle of no-where, otherwise it would have become very expensive indeed.



For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 22 - 34
DustinBowcot
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I couldn't get to the end. This needs a rewrite as from the other reviews it looks like there is a decent story here.

A pass.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 23 - 34
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3382
Posts Per Day
0.63

Quoted from stevie
Took me two goes to read this as the format made it tough. but I tried a second time and got to the end. Very ambitious script with hardly any low budget lol.

But i liked for what you were aiming at despite getting there the long way.

Consider though budget problems may be an obstacle.

Just out of curiosity to anyone who has made a short film? Are scenes in a moving car expensive to the budget?

Coincidentally am getting a book from the library which deals with something similar to what happens in the final scene of this script lol



It depends on what you are shooting and what you are shooting on.

If you're keeping everything tight, and you are shooting on a dslr...then it costs practically nothing, and you can get some decent results. There are numerous options for dslr car rigs, that with image stabilisation lenses can give you good results.

Your problem comes when you're using Pro cameras. They are too big to comfortably fit in a car seat once the lenses are on...you'd be limited to wide angle lenses.

What this means is this you would need a "Wide boy". It's a flat cart that you put the car on, and then you can move around the outside of the car and film from there. It can be towed by another vehicle, so it looks like they're driving, even though they aren't.

It's not massively expensive, though considerably more than a dslr/blackmagic type of set up.

The major problem is that you're going to need permits to film on roads....and you'll have to pay a LOT if we're talking major roads. So if you're in a City environment, unless you're going fill Guerilla style it's going to cost a large amount.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 24 - 34
MarkItZero
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1007
Posts Per Day
0.35
This was a let down because I think you have something here but you probably ran out of time. Not sure why you waited till the end to reveal the meteor... it made the whole thing more confusing.

I thought maybe it was just a country-wide riot or something. For me, it did not add intrigue, only confusion. You're already intercutting between multiple cabs with lots of stuff going on in the background... that has the potential for confusion. Not knowing why any of this is happening exacerbates it.

The dialogue was hit or miss. Some of it was good, even poignant. Some of it rang untrue.

I think there's a lot of potential here but it needs a thorough re-write. This is going to be a challenge to turn into a smooth read. I would recommend studying pro scripts that have scenes with cars and mobs of people and switching back and forth. Off the top of my head, Body of Lies I think is one you can find online.


That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 25 - 34
Gum
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Some travelling Circus...
Posts
832
Posts Per Day
0.42
Writer,

I was totally lost on what was happening in each cab, sorry to say, and, after having to re-scan each page more than a few times to no avail, I'm gonna have to bow out. Muslim attire? A quick Google search can go a long way, just saying.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 26 - 34
LC
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34

Quoted from Gum
Writer,

Muslim attire, my friend? I know several ... most wear denim. A quick Google search can go a long way, just saying.


Yep, cross-cultural references and stereotypes get confusing for some. My guess is the writer is trying to convey a visual here. Perhaps the use of taqiyah, or rounded skullcap? As Rick sayss, Int search engines and old fashioned reference books like dictionaries are a writer's best friend.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 27 - 34
stevie
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
Hey cheers for the filming info Rick. Yeah I guess filming in the car would be ok but driving around bumps it up



Logged
Private Message Reply: 28 - 34
Gum
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 7:15pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Some travelling Circus...
Posts
832
Posts Per Day
0.42
Good lord you're fast, Libby! lol.

I tweaked that post just a bit after I put it up, but you managed to catch my initial draft. Good thing I didn't say something dumb(er)... than I usually do. In this case, I was just being facetious for the sake of pointing it out.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 29 - 34
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    August 2016 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006