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Hey Jeremiah, I didn't care for this mostly because I didn't care for the clown.
You ever see a movie called Hero with Dustin Hoffman? He's a really unlikeable character who saves a plane load of people before fire kills them all. It's a good movie that really delves into people.
Perhaps instead of making him so whiny he could be working 3 jobs, but, it still isn't enough to help his son (perhaps he's sick) so, he decides to rob a bank.
Plus the ending of the cabbie turning around to bring the cash back really doesn't work that way. Now, you could have the cabbie TRY to do that, gets into trouble, and shows where he let the guy off and lies so they won't be able to catch him.
You really have an issue once he does rob a bank. That becomes a federal crime with mandatory prison time.
You do have a good idea for a story, but, it really needs to be fleshed out a bit more.
Not having the restrictions of the OWC should help a lot.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
Yes, I've seen Hero and like it a lot. One of my favorites.
He didn't really go in planning to rob a bank. I tried to make it more of a temporary insanity thing. He forgot his wallet and was just going to withdraw money. At the last second, he wrote the note. I guess I didn't portray that good enough. I have also thought of having the guy a real clown (working clown) with him more sinister and terrorizing the driver. All kinds of ways I can fix this.
Well, if I would have had the cab driver do all of that, I would have run out of page count! It was really to show the driver was a good guy and wanted to do the right thing. The guy was just happy to see his daughter, that he just forgot about the money. Sappy ending I know, but I'm sappy! Again, I can make this as sinister as I want. Killer clown, robs bank, leaves exploding money bag for the cab driver just when you thought he let the driver go - when the clown gets out!
Oh, and I've already been contacted by someone that wants to film this as it is. Low budget, but hey who knows.
Thanks for the comments, Dan.
My Scripts: SHORTS Bed Bugs I Got The Shaft No Clowning Around Fool's Gold Five Days for Redemption
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No Clowning Around - OWC
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It was really to show the driver was a good guy and wanted to do the right thing. The guy was just happy to see his daughter, that he just forgot about the money. Sappy ending I know, but I'm sappy! Again, I can make this as sinister as I want. Killer clown, robs bank, leaves exploding money bag for the cab driver just when you thought he let the driver go - when the clown gets out!
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