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Driven to Death by Jessica Fletcher - Short, Revenge Thriller - During a cab ride home, a corporate asshole discovers that money isn't everything. - pdf, format
I wasn't blown away with the characterisation in this one.
Gavin started grating on me very quickly. He came across as quite a false note...it was not possible to believe he was a big shot with the way he talked, and his reactions were over the top, and lacked humanity. A more realistic, nuanced approach to him would have helped, I think.
Things improved when the threat was there, though.
Overall, I found it relatively enjoyable. It was a very simple revenge thriller. The added gore at the end seemed unnecessary to me.
A simple revenge thriller. Well written and very enjoyable. Just my kind of thing. I do agree that the characterisation is a little over the top. Although I do like the added gore.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
PNEUMA (37), the driver, whose dark eyes peer into the rear view mirror.
With a name like PNUEMA - you're going to have to tell me if this is a man or a woman. I didn't have a clue until later.
Okay - the story itself is very solid, IMO. I loved the scene with the parents watching on the screen.
Thought there was a missed opportunity for a line of dialogue at the end. - after - they didn;t want you to die like that - a "they wanted you to die like this - would have been a nice cap off.
Revenge stories in contained scripts are always a strange bunch, especially in this case when we're not following the revenger (is that a word?) but the revengee (definitely not a word). I might have mixed something up but the taxi driver doesn't really have anything to do with anything -- excluding the Batman brand of justice. I guess the reader couldn't really cling onto anything emotional, so the revenge wasn't fulfilling -- the live stream felt like an after thought to include some character.
Not for me unfortunately. Might do well with a rewrite following from another perspective after the challenge.
If I'm supposed to have sympathy for the family, I don't have much after the last scene. But maybe that's more interesting.
Tending towards caricature. With a good performance, you could cut out about half of Gavin's obnoxious dialogue and still hate him just as much, I think.
An unsurprising story written well, but with the odd little postscript of extreme violence. A more interesting choice, I guess, even if it feels a bit nihilist.
Not bad, but really to believe that the cab driver picked Gavin up on purpose is a bit of a stretch. I mean, it has to work like that in order for the story to make sense. Would've been a good twist if Pneuma had revealed that he was indeed a family member, perhaps the father. As is, I'm assuming he was hired to do this. I guess it can work, but it just feels a little too neat. Also, having a TV feed into the parents room, having a gas vent under the seat. You see? Too neat for my taste. However, the writing was pretty good, the story was a quick read. Just needed a better set up and pay off.
If there's any criticism from myself it's that it all seems to be too clean cut, also maybe a bit more info on Pnuema. Apart from that it met the brief, everything read well, the characters worked and I went along for the ride.
My main issue is the constant fucks, tone it down a bit. We know he is a shit human being, having him say fuck 3 times in every bit of dialogue doesn’t add to that.
I said I wasn't going to nitpick but just as with 'pigs in his pockets' (other script), 'vomits his stomach lining' sounds a bit odd to me - 'stomach contents' perhaps?
Either way, the story is a bit too convenient for me, the way everything falls into place. There had to have been a lot of preparation for this revenge and I wasn't buying a lot of it, in this draft at least.
Jeepers, brutal ending. Eye for an eye stories need more characterisation from the wounded party imh, for us to cheer on that nasty denouement. And yeah, scale back the 'fuck' dialogue towards the end. I think a certain amount of 'cool' even in his dire moments might be more effective for a self righteous character.
It's a bigger story than ten pages could handle I think.
Another where 'Trapped in a taxi' is taken extremely literally and a situation worked out to suit. Format shows the writer knows how, it's all about what.
I got the situation from the first phone call, I only wondered how and why Pneuma would exact revenge. I did laugh when SIRI popped up, that's becoming a trope. Not a fan of the brutal execution at the end; this kind of thing makes the ones who carry it out no better. In a rewrite he might be released at the end to think on his sins.
To echo other comments, surely, Miss Fletcher would be appalled at the amount of swearing going on in her name. A little (maybe just the first) would go a long way.
A decent revenge tale, but too easy in my opinion. I think the driver and the parents should encounter some road bumps as they go along. They haven't thought of everything, and that should show. Give this more of a roller coaster feel, and ti will be better.