SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 4:23am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  Driven to Death - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Driven to Death - OWC  (currently 3693 views)
Don
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 8:43am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Driven to Death by Jessica Fletcher - Short, Revenge Thriller - During a cab ride home, a corporate asshole discovers that money isn't everything. - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 9:16am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3382
Posts Per Day
0.63
I wasn't blown away with the characterisation in this one.

Gavin started grating on me very quickly. He came across as quite a false note...it was not possible to believe he was a big shot with the way he talked, and his reactions were over the top, and lacked humanity. A more realistic, nuanced approach to him would have helped, I think.

Things improved when the threat was there, though.

Overall, I found it relatively enjoyable. It was a very simple revenge thriller. The added gore at the end seemed unnecessary to me.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 33
DustinBowcot
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 10:22am Report to Moderator
Guest User



A simple revenge thriller. Well written and very enjoyable. Just my kind of thing. I do agree that the characterisation is a little over the top. Although I do like the added gore.

A consider. Nice work.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 2 - 33
Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 3:09pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
Not bad.

A bit on the nose from the bad guy, a tad cliched.

A taxi driver goes for revenge, is fine. The live stream I liked. The end with the spade, I didn't.

Pass/consider - one to think about


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 33
irish eyes
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1865
Posts Per Day
0.37
I enjoyed this tale of revenge, the two characters were well written and the dialogue kept me entertained.

Good job on entering and remember to read others


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 33
eldave1
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Extra credit for this nugget:


Quoted Text
© 2016 That means it’s
copyrighted, bitches!



Quoted Text
PNEUMA (37),
the driver, whose dark eyes peer into the rear view mirror.


With a name like PNUEMA - you're going to have to tell me if this is a man or a woman. I didn't have a clue until later.

Okay - the story itself is very solid, IMO. I loved the scene with the parents watching on the screen.

Thought there was a missed opportunity for a line of dialogue at the end. - after - they didn;t want you to die like that - a "they wanted you to die like this - would have been a nice cap off.

Anyway - solid stuff. Good effort


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 33
AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
Decent revenge thriller and well written too, I enjoyed it.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 6 - 33
nawazm11
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 2:46am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
945
Posts Per Day
0.21
Revenge stories in contained scripts are always a strange bunch, especially in this case when we're not following the revenger (is that a word?) but the revengee (definitely not a word). I might have mixed something up but the taxi driver doesn't really have anything to do with anything -- excluding the Batman brand of justice. I guess the reader couldn't really cling onto anything emotional, so the revenge wasn't fulfilling -- the live stream felt like an after thought to include some character.

Not for me unfortunately. Might do well with a rewrite following from another perspective after the challenge.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 33
Heretic
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 3:29pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Posts
2023
Posts Per Day
0.28
If I'm supposed to have sympathy for the family, I don't have much after the last scene. But maybe that's more interesting.

Tending towards caricature. With a good performance, you could cut out about half of Gavin's obnoxious dialogue and still hate him just as much, I think.

An unsurprising story written well, but with the odd little postscript of extreme violence. A more interesting choice, I guess, even if it feels a bit nihilist.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 33
SAC
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Writer,

Not bad, but really to believe that the cab driver picked Gavin up on purpose is a bit of a stretch. I mean, it has to work like that in order for the story to make sense. Would've been a good twist if Pneuma had revealed that he was indeed a family member, perhaps the father. As is, I'm assuming he was hired to do this. I guess it can work, but it just feels a little too neat. Also, having a TV feed into the parents room, having a gas vent under the seat. You see? Too neat for my taste. However, the writing was pretty good, the story was a quick read. Just needed a better set up and pay off.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 33
Cameron
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I liked it, well done writer.

If there's any criticism from myself it's that it all seems to be too clean cut, also maybe a bit more info on Pnuema. Apart from that it met the brief, everything read well, the characters worked and I went along for the ride.

Cam
Logged
e-mail Reply: 10 - 33
Warren
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 11:05pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
I enjoyed this.

Was a little over written.

My main issue is the constant fucks, tone it down a bit. We know he is a shit human being, having him say fuck 3 times in every bit of dialogue doesn’t add to that.

Thought the idea was well rounded.

Good job.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 33
LC
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 1:51am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7582
Posts Per Day
1.34
I said I wasn't going to nitpick but just as with 'pigs in his pockets' (other script), 'vomits his stomach lining' sounds a bit odd to me - 'stomach contents' perhaps?

Either way, the story is a bit too convenient for me, the way everything falls into place. There had to have been a lot of preparation for this revenge and I wasn't buying a lot of it, in this draft at least.

Jeepers, brutal ending. Eye for an eye stories need more characterisation from the wounded party imh, for us to cheer on that nasty denouement. And yeah, scale back the 'fuck' dialogue towards the end.  I think a certain amount of 'cool' even in his dire moments might be more effective for a self righteous character.

It's a bigger story than ten pages could handle I think.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 33
NW3
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 7:16am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
121
Posts Per Day
0.02
Another where 'Trapped in a taxi' is taken extremely literally and a situation worked out to suit. Format shows the writer knows how, it's all about what.

I got the situation from the first phone call, I only wondered how and why Pneuma would exact revenge. I did laugh when SIRI popped up, that's becoming a trope. Not a fan of the brutal execution at the end; this kind of thing makes the ones who carry it out no better. In a rewrite he might be released at the end to think on his sins.

To echo other comments, surely, Miss Fletcher would be appalled at the amount of swearing going on in her name. A little (maybe just the first) would go a long way.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 33
RichardR
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
889
Posts Per Day
0.26
Some notes.

A decent revenge tale, but too easy in my opinion.  I think the driver and the parents should encounter some road bumps as they go along.  They haven't thought of everything, and that should show.  Give this more of a roller coaster feel, and ti will be better.

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 33
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    August 2016 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006