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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  Driven to Death - OWC
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  Author    Driven to Death - OWC  (currently 3694 views)
oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: August 23rd, 2016, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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I love the title - Driven to Death- sounds like my kind of stuff. The premise is good, I like the characerzation for Gavin too, showing off his ego &  Rolex. Bizarrely good contrast as the family view this execution, but I'm personally starting to get tired off news headline reveals. I was thinking what if Gavin had his blowup moment happen before he was gased to give pleasure to the family. Not sure why Pneuma takes it so personal, unless he's twisted himself, I thought he was an unbiased broker of death at first. That said, this was one of my favorites. It could be translated different ways on film.
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ChrisBodily
Posted: August 23rd, 2016, 10:50pm Report to Moderator
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I certainly hope the script is as good as the title page! Ha ha! Title should be in all caps, but then again, you're bestselling author Jessica Fletcher.

No bold slugs. Whew! That's a relief.  

First slug is flawless.

Nice intro.

Perspex * trademark * solid transparent plastic made of polymethyl methacrylate (the same material as plexiglas or lucite). I added a new word to my vocab. Thanks.

"[...]separates him from[]"

Apparently, Pneuma is a real name? I keep thinking pneumonia, lol.

"Rose Garden [A]partments," if this is a proper name.

Celebrates what? Can this be filmed?

That's more like it.

"Oh[,] yes[; or ,] it's a good day."

"Wanting to avoid talking about it[...]" Unfilmable?

"The Astaire Drainage [C]ase" is a proper name, thus needs to be capped.

"Quick" or "quickly" is fine.

"Local publication[,] I think."

Unsure about that parenthetical. Should be kept to one line if used.

"Yeah, well[,]"

Thirteen-line chunk of dialogue on page 3. Might want to break it up. I know he's on the phone, but still.

"Mr[.] Astaire," but it should be "Mister."

Love that line, "[Mister] Knows-fuck-all!"

Another great, profane line. Love it!

Clearly a professional writer, and a damn good one.

P5

Normally, no bold or italic, but it works here.

P6

(V.O.) not (VO)

Page break needs (MORE) (CONTINUED) and (CONT'D).

P7

What's your budget for all that?

P8

A red "what" provides the light?

Despite a few niggles noted above, this was quite good.

Recommend. A+ 8/10


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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 29th, 2016, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for all the reads and comments. A red is a type of film light. Reds and Blonds. VO is the accepted equivalent to V.O. but I will need to start putting in the stops for future OWCs. I did originally have Pneuma as a family member, in a rewrite, I switched it around... but I agree he being a family member would be better.

Cheers all.
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SimonM
Posted: August 29th, 2016, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot
Thanks for all the reads and comments. A red is a type of film light. Reds and Blonds. VO is the accepted equivalent to V.O. but I will need to start putting in the stops for future OWCs. I did originally have Pneuma as a family member, in a rewrite, I switched it around... but I agree he being a family member would be better.

Cheers all.


Must say it's been a very long time since I saw VO written V.O. - can't see anything wrong with this myself. Ditto OS. Also I was under the impression that MORE/CONTINUED was no longer the norm (at least in spec scripts - shooting scripts are a breed apart) - I'm pretty sure I've been criticised in the past for including them, so stopped!
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