It's an interesting one this. I liked the story, buy not enough to forgive the multitude of typos and grammatical issues.

It's also another one where the budget would be beyond the challenge, but at least the trapped in a taxi theme is there.

This takes a bit of a tonal shift once Elmar starts talking about his regrets. It's not bad, but the thriller aspect from earlier (when the driver is shot dead) starts to feel inappropriate.

I really don't understand Elmar’s logic. He didn't give Diane a break and she died, now he gives no one a break… but he never did anyway. So this haunting moment seems to have not affected him at all.

I can see what this story wanted to do, and the general gist is good, but it needs some rethinking and some restructuring. Definitely worth rewriting outside the challenge with the restrictions lifted. It could really turn into something great then.

I WOULD have liked it if:

SPOILERS
1.  It fit the OWC (no way is this cheap to shoot)
2.  Fixed all the typos.
3.  Fixed all the other issues.

Overwriting, and OTN dialog can be fixed.  

You have a good story.  

6.0/10 (didn't fit the cheap aspect of the OWC).

Dan

I do like the idea. Just don't care for Elmar's monologue.
Nice work but it does need proof reading.

I'm a sucker for time travel themes and I really enjoyed this.

A shitload of typos but they were skipped over easily. i have to admit I skimmed the long dialogue bits and at the end i had to go back and read them to work out what the punchline was, sorry lol

I'm giving this a Recommend for the sake of the story.

Terrible dialogue.

A pass.

The dialogue's bad, yeah. The story's really quite good, but there's a lot in the way of it right now. Too much exposition. Too much unbelievable dialogue. Too many thriller elements at the start.

To be honest, there's probably a way to make this work as a Phonebooth-style feature. That would allow you to incorporate both the thriller and the drama elements.

There's a ton in this for a short though, and too much. First priority is to figure out what its soul is as a short -- I think the climax can tell you what does and doesn't belong earlier in the script. Second priority is a massive rewrite for dialogue.

The script's not particularly good as a whole right now, but the story is excellent.

Well, can't say this one really did anything for me, seems way to over written for the sake of putting ink on the page but, y'know what? I won't shoot you a 0/5 or a 0/10 because that would put the script on par with every single member who DIDN'T submit a script... and that's not fair.

So, I'll say it appears that you invested some time in this and, although I had to plow through that big wad of exposition, I can see you tried to build a back-story necessary to propel this into the final page where some unselfish behaviour transpired making this somewhat palatable. Thanks for coming out and... I just might throw a recommend at you for trying so damn hard.

Trapped yes, low budget not really.  Many mistakes, typos, etc. but expected in a OWC but need to be fixed.  Nothing really kept me in the story.  Not sure if I just wasn't in the mood for the sci-fi or it was the walls of dialogue.  I just couldn't get into it.  Sorry, not for me.

I read about 90 percent of this story and thought "Dog."
Then I finished it and rethought the story, and now, I'm thinking, "hmm, I see promise."

It's like being at a dance and this story is the ugliest girl on the floor. I mean, from 5 feet away,  it is just chock full of flaws. But then, the more time I spend reading and thinking, and looking past the pit marks, I'm almost smiling. Now I see there is something worth discussing.

It feels like a small story trapped inside of a bigger story. The small story is about Elmar using the car to correct an aberration that he realizes has been haunting him. While I like the ending, getting there is clumsy. Way too much dialogue to set up the story.

The bigger story is that Elmar is in control of a time machine. I think that part is worth exploring and expanding. I think this time car was meant for somebody else, but being the jerk that Elmar is/was, he changed the course of what should have been.
What if the woman with baby, who wanted to share the cab, plays a bigger role in the story.  maybe she was supposed to be in this time machine. Hmm, I don't know.
Or what if she slips Elmar something that alters his destiny. Another element that could be valuable moving forward.
Well, there is hope if you expand this into a feature, so I think.
Clean up the messy writing and stay positive. Good luck.

One more thing. The time machine vehicle has a personality and that could work in your favor. I can see Adele and somebody (Elmar?) forming a team or partnership.

General thoughts before I move onto notes.  I like the premise (big budget though it is), and from what I've seen of the writing, it's a solid writer that did this one - though in a hurried manner.  I think certain plot points, subtleties could use a rewrite.  But there's time, and it's worth it.  

***


Stream of Consciousness Review here:

Disparate Woman – Hmmmm – I believe you mean “desperate woman”?

BTW – though acceptable, I’m generally in favor of turning off Continued’s – IMO, they invade on precious white space

Not badly written so far – rather solid, in fact.  But I’d cut back on the passive verbs (like “is”) And streamline the action.  For instance,  walks towards the cab with confidence and purpose.  Vs. something like walks towards the cab calmly.  Same concept, and you save a line.

The kicks are no joke, nor is the window though.  There’s a terrific line!

Waitaminute – the cab is bulletproof, and the cabby (who knew what was coming) got iced?  Hmmmm….

p. 4: has to be protect or self-destructed.  Probably a typo…

Once my energy levels ARE too low

Love the over-share line…  ☺

Her SON’S appointment.  BTW – this bit of exposition is a bit horned in.  You’re telling me Elmar finds himself in a time-traveling cab, and he actually even thinks a moment about an employee he screwed over?  I’d think he’d need a bit of prompting from Adele (or the paperwork in his briefcase) to have THAT cross his mind.

Except (extra space) there was an intersection

Plus, how does Elmar have ALL these details on the employee’s accident.  Sure, the cops probably told him a bit… but he still wasn’t there…

His VICTIM’S funeral

I can walk you THROUGH the process

ONE LAST RIDE or THE LAST RIDE? Oh, the time pressures of an OWC. You know, minus the grammar errors and dense dialogue, there's a decent story here in our time traveling cab.

Elmar doesn't need to monologue for almost a page to tell us his regret. And it is important that at the end we hear a car screech to a halt. I couldn't figure out why Elmar flipped off the woman who tried to share the cab with him. Maybe the writer can explain that later. Please sharpen this up.

This started off really good then the long winded dialogue appeared and oh boy it became a chore to read.

Elmer went from hard ass to a complete crying baby in one passage, which I thought was quite a Character arc... not a very good one.

A lot typos to get past, but all in all a pretty decent story.
Can be trimmed down quite a lot.

Overall pretty good

Good job on entering

You have a great idea here. The execution is lacking though. As others have mentioned, the dialogue needs work. Not gonna harp on that any further. The tone is out of wack too. I thought it was serious sci-fi action at first, then it was straight comedy, then I ran into an epic block of text drama. I'm not sure a smart, competent, asshole businessman dealing with guilt issues is the right character to be stuck in a high-tech super taxi.

If this is supposed to be action sci-fi with a little humor mixed in, makes more sense for him to be an "average joe" caught in some sort of mistaken identity assassination attempt.

If this is a serious thriller, I'd like there to be some connection between his career/past and the car... for example maybe he actually runs the company that designed this vehicle and it's a race against time to find what rival company is trying to assassinate him and why.