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This was great until about page 5! I was really enjoying it and waiting for the trapped criteria to kick in. The dialogue was pretty cliched into stereotype but it was flowing and funny and good.
Then...it veered out of control, like the writer was torn between adding some action to the comedy. It doesn't mix well i'm afraid and is very hard to pull off. I skimmed the last couple of scenes as I was annoyed at the direction change.
Consider but will become a Recommend if you can nail the latter half of it.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Ah – Face the Music. Good title! (BTW – warning re: this post… for practical reasons, I’ve started to find Stream of Consciousness reviews to be quicker – and maybe more useful on a blow by blow basis. So please forgive my scattered comments – just try to take them as a whole!)
LOVE the copyright snippet on the title page!
A couple cocktails deep – very pro description. Nice!
Yenta wife? Yow! Though I like the organic dialogue. Nice one, Chapelle (and the spice rack and Babar comments) also tasty banter. Ooooooh, tip joke! A good one, mind you. Giant crossed out, replaced with moderate. Whoever you are, writer, I’m liking you. (God, that makes me sound tacky, doesn’t it? But the writer’s voice comes through quite nicely throughout this script.)
Huh – I love every bit of this, except for the end. One would think that whatever happens, it’s Pratesh that comes out on top, and Heath suffers the consequences of his dickishness. I’d rethink the conclusion. But the rest of this – and the execution (no pun intened)- is fab.
Right then, theres some really good writing here. I was a bit worried at the page count that it was going to be a slog, but it flew by. The characters are well defined, the descriptions crisp and the style is clear.
Now for the flip side. I really don't know what was supposed to be happening here. It just seems to be two separate personalities having some banter, that's about it. Now that's fine to a point, but I'd like to have seen an extension beyond just the two of them chatting away. Possibly that's just a problem because I'm invested in the characters, in which case you've done your job.
Format is good. Writing is smooth and flows well. However . . . Pratesh is too much of a wimp for me to like. Heath is too much of an asshole for me to care for. Being trapped comes way late. Kinda looking for a story here.
It's a black comedy, so it's fine that Tesh ends up with the short stick. Must be a more fun way to dispatch him, though. Maybe they're both alive until the end, we hear the voice -- "One made it" -- we expect to see Tesh but get a faceful of boner instead.
What didn't work here, for me, was the deer. Tesh didn't particularly make a mistake, or appear to change anything about himself, as the longline suggests. He just got distracted and hit a deer. I think he should be trying to show off or make a point, go to fast, and crash. Something along those lines. Something he's goaded into.
And the boner -- or at least, Heath's penis -- should be established early. It's the synecdochic through line of Heath's grating infallibility, and it should be with us from the start since it's the button on the end.
Solid writing, solid characters, and good work in what's gotta be one of the hardest genres there is. Needs a rewrite, for me, but I think this could go somewhere.
Nice, quick read. But why did the driver have to die in this comedy? I didn't think he deserved to die, just seemed a little controlled by others.
Congrats on the OWC script. I think it just needs a little tweak.
Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Loved the banter, and the writing's pro, IMO. I might even consider this cause it was so punchy, fast, and entertaining but... 8 pages of dialog before they're actually trapped? That might sway it a bit. Great work.
There's so much talent here. Heath is a great character.
HEATH Well, Pra-tesh? Don�t they usually anglocize your names? ... Not important. Jersey. Exit 117.
That's such a good opener. He's like Pierce Hawthorn in his youth (please tell me you've seen Community).
The story worked for the most part up till the end. And even the end (at least the car crash) still works... just not for a short. This felt like a feature to me. It felt like the opening of a raunchy road trip comedy smashed together with the inevitable car crash on like pg. 50. I don't know how to make this work as a short. Definitely don't have Patesh die (that part doesn't work in any situation).
But I don't wanna say get rid of the car crash entirely. I disagree with other comments saying its a drastic tone shift. The very end with Patesh dying? Yes, that was jarring and needs to go. But the actual crash and his floundering escape attempts? In my opinion, that was a perfect action/comedy mix.
The little callbacks to all the annoying things in the car... brilliant. The child locks, the music, the incense, the loose plug... each one managing to come back and doubly screw him over in hilarious fashion. Really, that was the highlight of the script for me. That took it to a whole other level. But again, it doesn't work as a short. It may never work as a short. My advice, start writing a comedy feature.
Ok, Heath is a Prick, literally. Writing was snappy at first. Each character had their own voice. It's the typical (and current topic of discussion on threads I read) Alpha male vs. Beta male. You have the Alpha win in the end, boner and all. Thought the boner joke carried on too long. Snagging a cord to a charger with it? Dang, I have some training to do!! But really the setup was so good that it ended up having the ending just fall flat (except for, of course, the boner). All I wanted to do was punch Heath right in the face, so you got me there, just let me down in the end. Almost my top 3. With changes could be up there. Also, not quite low budget and you would have to train a deer! Good luck with it.
My Scripts: SHORTS Bed Bugs I Got The Shaft No Clowning Around Fool's Gold Five Days for Redemption
This started promising. There's a lot of unique elements that are pretty well-drawn. But at some point Heath promises to take Pratesh under his wing, but nothing ever comes of that. Then Heath wakes up with Pratesh driving down a strange road, but nothing ever comes of that. And then there's a lot of boner jokes.
I'm left with the distinct impression of a story that went off the rails. Better luck next time, I guess.