Speed Relationship-ing by Art Vandelay - Short, Comedy - Two unstable loners find romance through an unconventional dating service. - pdf, format

I loved the characters you created, and the fact that Adam and Anna are like the only normal people.

It was fairly predictable, but still enjoyable. I liked the ending.

Well, I wasn't too excited about the opening and the whole idea, but it was a very entertaining read full of exciting turns and twists and wonderful characters.

I think you could work on Anna and Adam a bit more and perfect their lines maybe. You made sound the whole thing very believable and it must be very hard - especially with unbelievable idea like that.
Great job.

This is going to be a good OWC - another solid script,  IMO.

Really enjoyed this one with just one issue.  Lose the 9-1-1 call-up front. You can have the threat of one - but not the actual conversation. It is unbelievable - doesn't do anything to further the story and wastes space that could be spent on Adam and Anna.

The rest - including the ending I thought was very solid. The writer did a great job in expressing the characters traits and values in just a very few pages.

Solid

Hmm in two minds about this. It has a really good premise and is set up nicely for some good comedy. And it starts really well and it is funny.

But, I dunno, it tries to become something more, a little too quirky mixed with dark humor, and it doesn't end quite working for me. Needs to be just straight up full on comedy instead of trying to be cool, but thats just MO.

Consider but it needs some polish

For the most, and I do mean most, part I enjoyed this.

A lot of the comedy worked well, I had several laugh out loud moments. I thought the dialogue was great aswell.

I think the moments were it got a bit overly dark didn't work for me.

Definitely worth a read. Good luck with it.

The ending didn't work for me... but it's an ending that works as a whole. The story is good. I'm just not sure how it should end. Perhaps you had the same problem.

A consider.

Art Vandalay (Seinfeld, right? Nice choice.)  

Thank God he punched him in the nose at the end, would have been a saccharine ending otherwise, and the rock throwing is a nice touch tbat tops it off.

Another very inventive take on the Trapped challenge.  Sarcastic, biting humour that reminds me of Janine Garofolo.

Took a little while to get into the swing but tben you had me hooked. I enjjoyed this a lot.

Bit off the wall and unlikely, but I kind of liked that.

I'll give you a

Consider

I really enjoyed this, for many reasons, and it's for sure worthy of some screen time. At times I thought the dialogue was preachy, but as long as that was reciprocated by the other character it seemed to work. Also, I liked how their dialogue (with an expectation of conflict) was the opposite of how the character responds. And it's all pretty hilarious. Great work!

Anna felt a little forced to me, Adam less so and the name similarity had me double checking who's dialogue it was a couple of times... oh and hated Zaine - but figure I'm supposed to.

But overall it read well and despite my tin ear for comedy I thought this was pretty fun.

Good effort.

Can’t say the title and log-line grabbed me but I was pleasantly surprised with this.  I could see the quick back and forth working well -- particularly with Zaine interrupting every so often to change it up.  Wondered how you were going to ‘get out’ so speak and it all wrapped up nicely.  Simple idea, fun dialogue, all well played.

Quick and funny. The 911 call should probably go -- stretches credibility and worse, isn't particularly funny. The sooner Anna gets in, the better.

Adam telling his whole Batman story didn't seem quite earned...that's the one moment where the accelerated romance really seemed like too much. Maybe Anna could be more competitive with him about it, instead of shutting down, and give him a more overt motivation? I dunno, that's the one other beat that didn't quite work for me.

Solid little comedy, though, and it's buttoned with the punch we've been wanting the entire time. Good stuff.

Don’t like Zaine instantly off his first line of dialogue.  Might be a good thing in the end.

Adam was tense from jump, but he is really quick to call the cops, no?  Seems rushed.  Not getting enough perceived backstory from the first couple pages to justify it.  It’s a short though, some things get rushed.

Anna/Adam – 4 letter names starting with A.  It’s a 101 type note, but they could get jumbled up easily.

So the whiff of death causes these 2 nutjobs to fall in love.  Who forced them into the cab in the first place?  I houldn’t care, but I do.  You explain who set it up, but they’re so against it, why the heck did they even get in the cab in the first place?

I don’t know.  I don’t think the writing is bad, it’s rushed, but it’s not bad.  No one is likeable in this story, but that’s not a big deal.  Not sure I love the premise to be perfectly honest.  It’s creative, I’ll give you credit for that, but not one of my favorites.  

I appreciate that you went the comedy route though.

It's funny but totally unrealistic.  

Why have your characters named Adam and Anna?  4 letters each, both starting with A.  

The 911 call was dumb.

So, a near death experience makes them fall in love??  How??  

I was lost at the end.  How does it go from nearly hitting a wall into a thin alley?  

He was certainly trapped, as was Anna, so, you did the challenge.  So far, it's the best one I've read, but, that's not really saying much.  At this point.

7/10

Dan

Writer, that's really good work right there.

It's as mad as all get up, but hey it made me smile. Zaine really comes across like a less sleazy Chris Tucker, from the Fifth Element, packed full of energy and exploding off the page. Couldn't spot any formatting/typos, the characters were well crafted and the pace utterly rampant.

The story has it's issues, but sure enjoyed it.  Read really fast and Zaine was a hoot.  Having him dial a particular 911 operator is very unbelievable, might rethink that.  With them both having "issues" Adam was more forthcoming, which felt forced to me.  With some work, this could be fun to watch with the right actors.  I liked it.  Good job.

Some notes.

Good job.  It meets the criteria, and it's entertaining.  I wish you had let Anna say something personal, but that's me.  And I wish you had made them lie.  Adam doesn't teach school.  Anna had the best childhood imaginable.  I love liars.

Best
Richard

I enjoyed this.
Great characters and dialogue between them and the pacing of the story was very good.

They were both trapped and so that works.
Well written, on of my favs

Good job on entering

Well...it's cute...that's for sure.  It's even funny in many places.

But, it's also almost all dialogue and after awhile, it gets a little dull.

Good idea, unique look at this challenge, and well written.  Obviously not meant to be taken seriously, but still something to think about, which is good.

Grade - B

Good job.

Writer,

Yeah! That was good! Steady flow, laughs, irony and a good closing line. Not much I'd like to add. Definitely one of the better entries, if not my favorite so far. Great work!

Steve

It's a comedy and it supposed to be over the top but some elements need work. As many have said, the 9-11 call is unbelievable - there's no way that call would have been guaranteed to be allocated to that specific operator. Besides, he chose to get in the cab, OK he wasn't happy about it but he got in anyway, there's no need for him to then call the cops over something he chose to do.

Secondly, these two are supposedly dead set against this blind date but Adam tells his whole life story within moments of meeting this girl. Only Anna reacts the way I'd expect and she quickly becomes annoying.

Thirdly - The cab speed dating concept is a great idea but just Zaine saying 'This part is the first date' or 'this part is the first dinner' and throwing some candles at them doesn't reflect the stages of a relationship nor does it bind the couple together in anyway.

The end, when he drives through the false wall, that's the key! First of all this should be tied into a relationship stage, e.g. the first argument or even a divorce, and second the whole cab ride should be like this. Each relationship stage should be reflected by something that actually happens with the journey, like when he swerves and forces them to bump into each other. Several incidents like that would breakdown the barriers between the two and stuff which would normally takes weeks of dating could happen in one cab ride.

For example, the first dinner date could be Zaine going through a drive-through for food but Adam has to order for Anna and vice-versa. You create a comedy situation which also forces them to go through various dating scenarios fast without having time to really think about it and therefore make the whole them falling in love aspect more believable and more interesting.  

It may seem like I've given this script a hard time but that's because it's really quite good and I think has loads of potential. I just want to give you some ideas for the next draft.

Entertaining and well written. It may not fall completely under the parameters of the challenge as they both choose to be in the cab, even though they are not very happy about it. They are not trapped. But still, a good story.

-Mark

Really nice work.
I agree with the others that the 911 call should go.
Other than that, congratulations.

Lol, outside of the 'SNL' Sprockets version, this rendition of The Dating Game is weird enough to be entertaining. Unfortunately, some of the self deprecating humour (from each contestant) landed head first.

As well, the 911 call seemed to be wedged in for maximum page count, and could easily be removed to speed along the Speed-0-Date, IMO. Other than that, I definitely thought this was a fun and imaginative take on the theme. Well done.

Well written and cute story.

I liked the characters. Anna made me smile. What a nice little girl (lol). Kind of reminded me of Wednesday Addams.
It was nice to see how the driver brought them together through the 3 stages.
They were trapped, so you met the challenge, and I think quite nicely in my book.

Good job and congrats.

Cindy

This was pretty funny, and very imaginative, but also fairly unrealistic.

I find myself wondering just what level of realism I should expect from a wacky comedy. I think the thing that bothers me most is how much these two revealed to each other despite being incredibly cynical and unreceptive. I wouldn't have said a quarter of what they did to each other and I'm not nearly as “dark” as they're portrayed. I really like the idea of these two forming a bond through their hatred of… well, everything. But I wonder if the story could get to that without having them reveal their dark histories in this rather forced way. Anytime they spoke on this stuff it didn't feel honest to the characters, and I think this would be a lot stronger and more consistent if you got them together without it.

Pretty good. The writer developed three distinct characters in 10 pages. The conversations felt awkward but that's okay since they're meant to be. The beginning 911 call set the tone for the script. The ending was good especially with Anna punching Zaine. I think the "I love you" could be replaced with a hungry kiss for a little less over the top ending.

If you pulled this off within one week, you are a goddamn miracle worker and I'm going to build a temple for you. If you claim to have pulled it off in less than that, I'm calling bullshit because I can't live with that kind of envy.

Seriously, man. That was amazing. It read like two pages. It was very enjoyable. The dialog certainly could use some tightening up. Make the exchanged lines sharper and stronger and wittier (If that even possible). Make the "drive through the wall" moment linger for a bit longer. Make Anna more responsive. I won't ask you to make her more open, just make her react more to Adam's stories and shares in a way that would reveal her owns. "... got the best food" was a brilliant line! More of it, is what I ask. Do all this and this short will be reaping rewards like a monkey in bananas storage room.

Well done.

The logline didn't grab me; I thought this would be another brainless romantic comedy (I usually hate that genre).

This was actually pretty funny. Loved these "unlikable" characters.

Dialogue needs trimming. A few commas needed. Not much else wrong with it.

Recommend. A-

A solid script, works OK for what I think you intend. For me, once Adam starts talking, the story runs a familiar route. I was hoping for a few detours. These two characters are cynical, maybe tired of trying to match up with the opposite sex as boring game players.

I wanted more verbal sparring, trading barbs but at the same time, finding out about one another. Maybe intellectually they challenge each other. Another thought is that instead of coming together because of some chemical reaction, they bond through a common goal — to escape.

Surprise is a good thing. Anna punching Zaine is a nice scene. Maybe such a move impresses Adam. Or inspires him to follow her lead.

I like the ending of 2A getting together. Just think you can get there in a less conventional manner. You're talented writer. Rework this because it will be worth your while. Good luck.

It occurs to me that I didn't explain myself clearly.
While Adam and Anna do trade insults, I think it would be fun if they each create a story about the other. So, rather than volunteering information ("I'm a teacher"), Adam just says "I bleeping hates kids." And Anna guesses that he's a school bus driver. Or a school janitor. Some job beneath teaching.
Adam can do the same about Anna.
So, in the end, they create these wild, colorful profiles of each other... with neither confirming or denying the sketches.
That could be hilarious, and different.

Thank you all for the thorough and extremely helpful notes. I will get rid of the 911 thing. I also didn't think Adam's reveal of his past worked... but this one actually took me a long time to write and I simply ran out of time/energy.

Quoted from RichardR And I wish you had made them lie.

Great idea. That would totally be in keeping with Anna's character, probably both of them. And this might be the key to revealing a bit about their past in a more subtle way. I can do it in a way where the type of story each fabricates tells a lot about their actual past.

Quoted from Abe from LA Another thought is that instead of coming together because of some chemical reaction, they bond through a common goal � to escape.

Yes! I had this same idea but I was out of time so I couldn't explore it. The idea being they bond so effectively that Zaine's little game backfires when they come together and work towards escaping.

Starting with a tire suddenly popping and Anna saying she slashed the tire before she got in... then maybe they light the candles and toss them... or maybe they create a homemade explosive from stuff in the car. That might be too much, but I think people enjoyed it least anytime things veered towards normal saccharine rom-com stuff even for a moment.

It could end with the car crashing and Zaine being carried off in a stretcher and Adam says "Hey Zaine... ba-zing-a." Then tosses a cigarette towards a gasoline trail to his cab. Okay, that's too far. Or is it?

Nice work, Mark. I only had two Recs --
This was one of them!

Hey Mark,
     This was fun.  I enjoyed it.  

I think you also were hurt by the limitations of the OWC.  If you do a rewrite (and you should), do with without the page limit and have a blast with it.  

Dropping the 911 call is smart.  

Flesh out the 2 passengers and you have a really fun story.  

But, my advice is certainly lose the 10 page limit and write it as you see fit.  I bet the whole version of this is probably really fun.

Oh, and yes, I could see them blowing up his taxi of love...  Or worse.  

Oh, what if you made them both psychos.  

So many fun things you can do.

Dan