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Taxi for Murphy - OWC (currently 2751 views)
Warren
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 11:37pm
Of The Ancients
A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
Location Sydney, Australia
Posts 3897
Posts Per Day 1.36
So if the challenge was sitting in a pub having a chat, full marks. No one is trapped in a taxi at any point, not even sure what a taxi has to do with anything, other than being thrown in to attempt to meet the criteria of the challenge. Jokes didn’t go down well for me. I really have no idea what that was.
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Reply: 15 - 28
LC
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 1:16am
Administrator Location The Great Southern Land
Posts 7583
Posts Per Day 1.34
Oh dear .
No trapped, but I guess you had some fun.
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Reply: 16 - 28
Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 2:39pm
Old Timer
Part time writer
Location The Island of Jersey
Posts 2612
Posts Per Day 0.57
There's ways one every OWC. Nice beater, enjoyed some jokes. The toilet paper moment got me laughing. Weak on the OWC concept, but I enjoyed it. Pass
My scripts HERE The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Reply: 17 - 28
eldave1
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 6:38pm
January Project Group
Location Southern California
Posts 6874
Posts Per Day 1.95
Outside the challenge parameters, IMO. Some funny moments.
Reply: 18 - 28
Heretic
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 12:27pm
January Project Group
Location Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Posts 2023
Posts Per Day 0.28
I laughed. I'd laugh if I watched it, too. Nails its tone and keeps us guessing. You'd have to be in a certain mood for this one, obviously...
Reply: 19 - 28
Wes
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 6:49pm
New
Location Oakland, CA 94602
Posts 164
Posts Per Day 0.05
Didn't meet the challenge. Missing words in a few places. Got to page 5 and began to wonder if anything was going to happen. Slogged through the rest of it anyway. Sorry, not my thing.
Reply: 20 - 28
stevie
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 4:34pm
Of The Ancients
Location Down Under
Posts 3441
Posts Per Day 0.61
Lol I kept thinking of alffy as Anthony! Good bit of fun though no one trapped in a cab. Had some funny lines but a Pass
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Reply: 21 - 28
MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 8:38am
January Project Group
Location UK
Posts 2335
Posts Per Day 0.59
Read like a pisser and barely featured a taxi, never mind being trapped. If it wasn't a pisser, I apologies but this would be a pass from me regardless.
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Reply: 22 - 28
wonkavite
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 8:55am
Guest User
Um, okay...
Here goes. The VERY positive point: I like the randy jokes and banter; IMO, they work really well. It's worth it, I think, to reconstruct the story around them when the OWC is done.
Meeting the challenge? Nah - no-one at all is trapped in a taxi in this story. And the ending doesn't make any sense at all.
Also there are typos, and I'd argue that the writing itself (despite the blue humor) needs to be smoothed out, made more elegant for a better read.
Here are the biggie typos I noticed. Though there's more. Which is understandable... this IS an OWC and time is fleeting.
Again, the Benny Hill humor in this is still good- that's the silver lining here.
)
******
Typos and Stylistic Notes
With the descriptions of your characters – I’d break them up. It’ll read better and stand out more than a run-on sentence.
P1: I see what YOU’RE saying
P2: tight as A camel’s arse (though I like the phrase!)
P2: ask you BOYS (no apostrophe)
P ?: Wasn’t this story supposed to be about your leg (question mark)
P 7: That would BE me, Love
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Reply: 23 - 28
CindyLKeller
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 9:17am
Old Timer
Posts 1467
Posts Per Day 0.20
Nice, snappy, quick read. Gave me a few smiles, but it was in a pub, not being stuck in a taxi I enjoyed the read though. Congrats, Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Reply: 24 - 28
PrussianMosby
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 12:24pm
Posts 1399
Posts Per Day 0.37
Ahh, I thought it was all quite authentic since Bill said "I can't remember, but I won't forget It" which was the exact construction of Stevie's "I see what your saying, I just don't know what you mean." Completely dialogue driven. Must be better for winning me over.
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Reply: 25 - 28
Gum
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 10:47pm
Been Around
Location Some travelling Circus...
Posts 832
Posts Per Day 0.42
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Reply: 26 - 28
ChrisBodily
Posted: August 22nd, 2016, 10:47pm
January Project Group
Posts 572
Posts Per Day 0.17
Title page is not 12pt Courier. Very large print.
No bold slugs.
Yay!
By "football," you mean soccer, right?
Break up the character intros.
"Me[,] too."
Who, besides Adele, has a flip phone in 2016?
Hello. It's me. I've been wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet?
Psycho, psychic. Same diff.
"Aye" should have a comma or semicolon after.
Another comma needed after "Alright." And this is just the first page.
P2
Code
STEVIE
You're as tight as [a] camel's arse in a
sandstorm.
Funny line, though!
"BILL ROBSON[,] 70s,"
Code
BILL
Can I ask you boy[]s a question?
Code
JASON
Sure[,] Bill[.] [W]hat's up?
Code
BILL
Does this dog belong to one [of] you?
"[...]clings on[,] humping the shit out of his leg."
Code
BILL (CONT'D)
Good job[;] this is my fake leg.
Code
ANTHONY
Scrappy! [C]ontrol yourself.[] [S]orry[,]
Bill[;] he's in the moment.
Lots of grammar problems. Basic ones! Not good.
Code
JASON [s](CONT'D)[/s]
Ok[ay,] then.
That's enough. I'm out on page 2. Pass. F
FADE IN:
Reply: 27 - 28
grademan
Posted: August 23rd, 2016, 1:17pm
Been Around
Location Wisconsin
Posts 872
Posts Per Day 0.16
The red haired beauty and the old guy were trapped/caught in the trunk of the taxi. That's when the dog got behind things. A meandering path to the final scene/joke. I liked the pub humor. Not sure it's worth a rewrite. It is what it is.
Reply: 28 - 28
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