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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  Taxi for Murphy - OWC
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  Author    Taxi for Murphy - OWC  (currently 2751 views)
Warren
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 11:37pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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So if the challenge was sitting in a pub having a chat, full marks.

No one is trapped in a taxi at any point, not even sure what a taxi has to do with anything, other than being thrown in to attempt to meet the criteria of the challenge.

Jokes didn’t go down well for me.

I really have no idea what that was.


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LC
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 1:16am Report to Moderator
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Oh dear . No trapped, but I guess you had some fun.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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There's ways one every OWC.

Nice beater, enjoyed some jokes. The toilet paper moment got me laughing.

Weak on the OWC concept, but I enjoyed it.

Pass


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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eldave1
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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Outside the challenge parameters, IMO.

Some funny moments.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Heretic
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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I laughed. I'd laugh if I watched it, too. Nails its tone and keeps us guessing.

You'd have to be in a certain mood for this one, obviously...
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Wes
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't meet the challenge.
Missing words in a few places.
Got to page 5 and began to wonder if anything was going to happen.
Slogged through the rest of it anyway.

Sorry, not my thing.


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stevie
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Lol I kept thinking of alffy as Anthony!

Good bit of fun though no one trapped in a cab.  Had some funny lines but a Pass



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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 8:38am Report to Moderator
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Read like a pisser and barely featured a taxi, never mind being trapped.

If it wasn't a pisser, I apologies but this would be a pass from me regardless.  


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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wonkavite
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 8:55am Report to Moderator
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Um, okay...

Here goes.  The VERY positive point: I like the randy jokes and banter; IMO, they work really well.  It's worth it, I think, to reconstruct the story around them when the OWC is done.

Meeting the challenge?  Nah - no-one at all is trapped in a taxi in this story.  And the ending doesn't make any sense at all.

Also there are typos, and I'd argue that the writing itself (despite the blue humor) needs to be smoothed out, made more elegant for a better read.

Here are the biggie typos I noticed.  Though there's more. Which is understandable... this IS an OWC and time is fleeting.

Again, the Benny Hill humor in this is still good- that's the silver lining here.  )

******

Typos and Stylistic Notes

With the descriptions of your characters – I’d break them up.  It’ll read better and stand out more than a run-on sentence.


P1: I see what YOU’RE saying
P2: tight as A camel’s arse (though I like the phrase!)
P2: ask you BOYS (no apostrophe)
P ?: Wasn’t this story supposed to be about your leg (question mark)
P 7: That would BE me, Love
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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 9:17am Report to Moderator
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Nice, snappy, quick read. Gave me a few smiles, but it was in a pub, not being stuck in a taxi

I enjoyed the read though.

Congrats,
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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Ahh, I thought it was all quite authentic since Bill said

"I can't remember, but I won't forget
It"

which was the exact construction of Stevie's

"I see what your saying, I just
don't know what you mean."

Completely dialogue driven. Must be better for winning me over.



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Gum
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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Lol. Funny, but no...
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ChrisBodily
Posted: August 22nd, 2016, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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Title page is not 12pt Courier. Very large print.

No bold slugs.   Yay!

By "football," you mean soccer, right?

Break up the character intros.

"Me[,] too."

Who, besides Adele, has a flip phone in 2016?

Code

ANTHONY
Hello.



Hello. It's me. I've been wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet?

Psycho, psychic. Same diff.

"Aye" should have a comma or semicolon after.

Another comma needed after "Alright." And this is just the first page.

P2

Code

STEVIE
You're as tight as [a] camel's arse in a
sandstorm.



Funny line, though!  

"BILL ROBSON[,] 70s,"

Code

BILL
Can I ask you boy[]s a question?



Code

JASON
Sure[,] Bill[.] [W]hat's up?



Code

BILL
Does this dog belong to one [of] you?



"[...]clings on[,] humping the shit out of his leg."

Code

BILL (CONT'D)
Good job[;] this is my fake leg.



Code

ANTHONY
Scrappy! [C]ontrol yourself.[] [S]orry[,]
Bill[;] he's in the moment.



Lots of grammar problems. Basic ones! Not good.

Code

JASON [s](CONT'D)[/s]
Ok[ay,] then.



That's enough. I'm out on page 2. Pass. F


FADE IN:
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grademan
Posted: August 23rd, 2016, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
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The red haired beauty and the old guy were trapped/caught in the trunk of the taxi. That's when the dog got behind things. A meandering path to the final scene/joke. I liked the pub humor. Not sure it's worth a rewrite. It is what it is.
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