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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  Hard Fare - OWC
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  Author    Hard Fare - OWC  (currently 2451 views)
Don
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 8:57am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hard Fare by 0 - Short, Drama - Two men trapped in a taxi must work together to survive...10 pages pdf - pdf, format


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eldave1
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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Overall, a solid premise. Unique.

Stretches the concept of low budget a bit.

I had real issues with the dialogue in this one.


Quoted Text
LARRY
Jesus, that hurts...


My preference - but I would rather see action/facial description here rather than dialigue - to himself.


Quoted Text
LARRY
Damn...the overpass. Collapsed
out of nowhere.


Okay - twice in a row to himself - this time for exposition purposes - seems unnatural.

Several more places where, at least for me, the dialogue was too expositional. It was just unnatural.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 10:47am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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I enjoyed this, though I couldn't fundamentally say I could believe it.

It's not a new topic. I've seen both shorts and feature films dealing with similar ideas, though not necessarily in this precise location.

I didn't buy that he would be talked around so easily. I think he'd be too far gone at this point for such an easy conversion.

I don't know what I think, really. I think it needs a slightly different perspective to really stand out in the world of shorts, but like I said...I did enjoy it.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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Well, I liked this one. Definately had me on the edge of my seat until the end.



SPOILERS

As if the crash wasn't bad enough for  the two, you uped the ante with the back pack. Nice.

I'm sure this is one of our seasoned writers.

I thought you did an awesome job.

You met  the challenge, and did it very well.

Congrats,

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hard fare

Low budget? Hum. I suppose things could be used for effect but doesn't seem in that territory

Ok. Very good use of tension a collapsed bridge and a bomb. Why have one when you can have two!

Got a bit preachy towards the end.'

I don't know. Didn't set the world on fire, and felt a little off, but ok

I think it's one of those that could really work, but doesn't yet. Almost too much attempted, and. A little unsubtle. Sound work for the week

Pass/consider


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Warren
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 11:50pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Dialogue is on the nose and like the rest if the script I felt it was over written.

I found Larry to be a bit all over the place. One minute he is very calm for the initial issue of the accident, then he flies off the rails, then he is supper calm again. He just didn't seem like a real human.

A few its that should be it's floating around.

SPOILERS:

The story as a whole I didn't buy. It's a nice idea but extremists, whether they are Muslim, Christian, or otherwise, are just that. I fail to believe that Larry the cabbie is going to guilt trip/sob story a terrorist into not executing his plan. So what if he has a sister and his family has died, most of them do have families and carry out horrendous acts. Then giving him a leave pass at the end, again nice sentiment, but not believable in any way.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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Too much talking to himself, feels unnatural...

Nice premise but an Afghan terrorist, a little cliche?

Redeems itself in the end.

Decent effort


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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realxwriter
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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I like it. The description and the writing style is top notch. Clear, and straight to the point without being dull. I loved it. The dialogue needs another rewrite, but it was good enough for me. Just some lines didn't seem natural coming from people facing imminent death. My biggest problem with your script is that the theme was heavy handed in the last act. I feel like we would have enjoyed a longer and a deeper debate between the two, if it wasn't for the 10 pages restraint.

I admire your talent. Best of luck.
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
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Budget is a little large, but with a few changes it might work.  Talking to himself a little too much, but once it got going it wasn't bad.  Tension is there, though a bit cliche had a nice ending.  Human touch is sometimes a good ending, but might consider some other ways to end it in case a producer wants a not so happy ending.  Good luck with this.


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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SAC
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 7:41am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Nice story. Good tension/stakes, and an original premise. The problem I had here wasn't a a big one, and it's your action blocks can be shorter. It made the script seem almost a chore to read, or a t least that's how it felt out of the gate. Also, Larry talking to himself didn't work for me at all. Actually, Larry mentions to himself the overpass collapsed, then later Inzir asks what happened and Larry tells him the same. Don't you think you could've lost that first part? Sure, because it's so much better when two characters are giving exposition than one.

Overall, I liked this one a lot! Good message and story, just needs a few tweaks IMO.

Steve


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Hunter
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed this one. It was tense, it handled real world issues effectively, and the ending was especially great.

There are just a couple of things that need to be fixed. The talking to himself at the beginning was a little much, it didn't exactly feel natural, and it doesn't seem necessary, as he explains the overpass collapse to Inzir later. Maybe you could have him be in pain, and dazed, and keep it short.

While I accept that this is a crazy situation for Larry, I do think that he goes from accusing Inzir with all of these stereotypes to sympathizing and trying to work with him too quickly. Maybe if he didn't go as far into the accusing it wouldn't seem like as much of a sudden jump.


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 3:11am Report to Moderator
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OTN dialogue is very off-putting.

Now it's cheesy dialogue.

Now completely unbelievable dialogue.

A pass.
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LC
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 6:44am Report to Moderator
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I'm a cynic so I'm pretty sure they'd work out that was Inzir's backpack, and I didn't believe for one minute him being talked into giving the code.

Some dialogue was iffy, including 'when I picked you up I thought you were a nice guy' or words to that effect. Good premise an accident thwarting his plans and putting him in a quandry but this is a martyr character so, hmm, it's possible conscience might kick in, in the right circumstance.

I'm on the fence with this one as it currently plays out. I think with some changes it could be quite good. Perhaps if some innocent, like a child, or someone he's well acquainted with in his past  is involved in this accident, someone close to him, not a random taxi driver who is essentially a stranger. Perhaps that someone is from the past and they knew each other well, he/she owes him etc. Just some suggestions.

A good central idea, I just think it needs more moral dilemma involving someone the central guy actually knows, higher stakes.


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EWall433
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 8:44am Report to Moderator
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I like the decision to start right in the accident. Larry talking to himself I like less. The line where he recites to himself how the accident happened is particularly useless seeing as he explains it again to Inzir just a couple pages later.

“Your backpack? Yes, its here in the front. Passenger side floor. I remember you had it on your lap just before the crash. Why are you so concerned about it?”

This is an unlikely line of dialogue. Situations like this have a way of streamlining communication to the bare essentials. For instance, it's enough to know it's up front, why mention its specific location as well. Why mention remembering it was on Inzir’s lap? Inzir already knows that, and it doesn't appear to be relevant. This line could easily be, “Your backpack? Yeah, it's up here. Why?”

I LOVE the scenario here, but Larry talks too much about things he should not care about. He's asking Inzir to explain why he does this before asking him if he can stop the bomb. With only 3 minutes left to live, Inzir’s radicalization process would be nowhere on the list of topics that interested me.

So this is one of my favorites. There's a lot of tension at the end when the bomb shifts out of grasp. But I think there's also a lot of room for improvement. Larry and Inzir’s interactions don't really map onto reality for me. Larry should be concerned about stopping the bomb first and only listens to Inzir's story because he's trying to convince him to give up the code. There needs to be a stronger connection between Larry and Inzir for me to buy that Inzir will just let some guy talk him out of this. And the way Larry convinces him gives me the idea that Inzir didn't really think this through at all. Finally, the dialogue at the end is on the nose. The resolution sells this message well enough that Larry doesn't need to speak it like this.

But the gist of this I like a lot and I think it could be really great if you get the exchanges between the characters to feel more honest and less plot driven or theme forcing.
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 10:38am Report to Moderator
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I can't open this for some reason.  It's all blacked out.
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