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I enjoyed this, though I couldn't fundamentally say I could believe it.
It's not a new topic. I've seen both shorts and feature films dealing with similar ideas, though not necessarily in this precise location.
I didn't buy that he would be talked around so easily. I think he'd be too far gone at this point for such an easy conversion.
I don't know what I think, really. I think it needs a slightly different perspective to really stand out in the world of shorts, but like I said...I did enjoy it.
Well, I liked this one. Definately had me on the edge of my seat until the end.
SPOILERS
As if the crash wasn't bad enough for the two, you uped the ante with the back pack. Nice.
I'm sure this is one of our seasoned writers.
I thought you did an awesome job.
You met the challenge, and did it very well.
Congrats,
Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Dialogue is on the nose and like the rest if the script I felt it was over written.
I found Larry to be a bit all over the place. One minute he is very calm for the initial issue of the accident, then he flies off the rails, then he is supper calm again. He just didn't seem like a real human.
A few its that should be it's floating around.
SPOILERS:
The story as a whole I didn't buy. It's a nice idea but extremists, whether they are Muslim, Christian, or otherwise, are just that. I fail to believe that Larry the cabbie is going to guilt trip/sob story a terrorist into not executing his plan. So what if he has a sister and his family has died, most of them do have families and carry out horrendous acts. Then giving him a leave pass at the end, again nice sentiment, but not believable in any way.
I like it. The description and the writing style is top notch. Clear, and straight to the point without being dull. I loved it. The dialogue needs another rewrite, but it was good enough for me. Just some lines didn't seem natural coming from people facing imminent death. My biggest problem with your script is that the theme was heavy handed in the last act. I feel like we would have enjoyed a longer and a deeper debate between the two, if it wasn't for the 10 pages restraint.
Budget is a little large, but with a few changes it might work. Talking to himself a little too much, but once it got going it wasn't bad. Tension is there, though a bit cliche had a nice ending. Human touch is sometimes a good ending, but might consider some other ways to end it in case a producer wants a not so happy ending. Good luck with this.
My Scripts: SHORTS Bed Bugs I Got The Shaft No Clowning Around Fool's Gold Five Days for Redemption
Nice story. Good tension/stakes, and an original premise. The problem I had here wasn't a a big one, and it's your action blocks can be shorter. It made the script seem almost a chore to read, or a t least that's how it felt out of the gate. Also, Larry talking to himself didn't work for me at all. Actually, Larry mentions to himself the overpass collapsed, then later Inzir asks what happened and Larry tells him the same. Don't you think you could've lost that first part? Sure, because it's so much better when two characters are giving exposition than one.
Overall, I liked this one a lot! Good message and story, just needs a few tweaks IMO.
I really enjoyed this one. It was tense, it handled real world issues effectively, and the ending was especially great.
There are just a couple of things that need to be fixed. The talking to himself at the beginning was a little much, it didn't exactly feel natural, and it doesn't seem necessary, as he explains the overpass collapse to Inzir later. Maybe you could have him be in pain, and dazed, and keep it short.
While I accept that this is a crazy situation for Larry, I do think that he goes from accusing Inzir with all of these stereotypes to sympathizing and trying to work with him too quickly. Maybe if he didn't go as far into the accusing it wouldn't seem like as much of a sudden jump.
I'm a cynic so I'm pretty sure they'd work out that was Inzir's backpack, and I didn't believe for one minute him being talked into giving the code.
Some dialogue was iffy, including 'when I picked you up I thought you were a nice guy' or words to that effect. Good premise an accident thwarting his plans and putting him in a quandry but this is a martyr character so, hmm, it's possible conscience might kick in, in the right circumstance.
I'm on the fence with this one as it currently plays out. I think with some changes it could be quite good. Perhaps if some innocent, like a child, or someone he's well acquainted with in his past is involved in this accident, someone close to him, not a random taxi driver who is essentially a stranger. Perhaps that someone is from the past and they knew each other well, he/she owes him etc. Just some suggestions.
A good central idea, I just think it needs more moral dilemma involving someone the central guy actually knows, higher stakes.
I like the decision to start right in the accident. Larry talking to himself I like less. The line where he recites to himself how the accident happened is particularly useless seeing as he explains it again to Inzir just a couple pages later.
“Your backpack? Yes, its here in the front. Passenger side floor. I remember you had it on your lap just before the crash. Why are you so concerned about it?”
This is an unlikely line of dialogue. Situations like this have a way of streamlining communication to the bare essentials. For instance, it's enough to know it's up front, why mention its specific location as well. Why mention remembering it was on Inzir’s lap? Inzir already knows that, and it doesn't appear to be relevant. This line could easily be, “Your backpack? Yeah, it's up here. Why?”
I LOVE the scenario here, but Larry talks too much about things he should not care about. He's asking Inzir to explain why he does this before asking him if he can stop the bomb. With only 3 minutes left to live, Inzir’s radicalization process would be nowhere on the list of topics that interested me.
So this is one of my favorites. There's a lot of tension at the end when the bomb shifts out of grasp. But I think there's also a lot of room for improvement. Larry and Inzir’s interactions don't really map onto reality for me. Larry should be concerned about stopping the bomb first and only listens to Inzir's story because he's trying to convince him to give up the code. There needs to be a stronger connection between Larry and Inzir for me to buy that Inzir will just let some guy talk him out of this. And the way Larry convinces him gives me the idea that Inzir didn't really think this through at all. Finally, the dialogue at the end is on the nose. The resolution sells this message well enough that Larry doesn't need to speak it like this.
But the gist of this I like a lot and I think it could be really great if you get the exchanges between the characters to feel more honest and less plot driven or theme forcing.