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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  Hard Fare - OWC
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  Author    Hard Fare - OWC  (currently 2452 views)
JEStaats
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

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Great start with decent banter. Dialogue got a little weak for me. Larry's going to need a good story for the Feds to explain his fingerprints on the bombs keypad though (sorry, spoiler).
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Heretic
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
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What if Inzir was the protagonist of this story, instead of Larry?

Working from Inzir's perspective from the start might give us a chance to understand his uncertainty about the bomb right away, and make it more believable that he's talked out of it by a random stranger. I'm also wondering if it might be more interesting if he gave the code in response not to a direct argument, but to a recognition of similarities between the two men. I don't really believe that a stranger manages to talk someone out of a terrorist act through logical argumentation alone (even if he's not a bad arguer). I think Inzir has to already have major doubts and he has to see something in this particular stranger that really changes his mind. (Maybe their mothers are both named Martha - ha ha.)

I really like this premise and I think you could work it into something very interesting. But the motivations and characters, as standing, are a little familiar. Of course Inzir's family was killed by drones. Of course he was radicalized by U.S. action. Of course the cabbie's right in the end.

Heck, what if the cabbie was an Afghan immigrant who lost family to the war, too?

I like this one for the premise and the ambition, and I'd gladly check out a rewrite.
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Cameron
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
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Well written, so well that I was properly tense for the first half when establishing their entrapment and the bomb. You've crafted a good piece here, and considering it's basically all one scene, you've done really well to keep it moving and interesting.

On the subject matter, I don't have any issues with it but I can see some people will.

So it basically ticks all the boxes, my only issue then is with the cost of producing it. It may be able to be done on the cheap if it is just filmed within the confines of the cab, so I'll let it through on that assumption.

A consider from me
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DanC
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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I kinda enjoyed it.  The dialog was OTN.

I guess you and I are the only ones who talk to themselves all the time.  I got slammed for that too, oh, as you all know now, this isn't mine.  Or am I faking????

But, yeah, apparently, no one talks to themselves anymore in real life, so, I guess stay away from that in a script.  

I don't oh SPOILERS

I don't buy that he'd give the code.  I don't buy that the cabbie wouldn't say who's bomb it is.

Also, perhaps it was just me, but, I had a bit of trouble at the beginning when you said HE did something, which he?  They are both he's.  Perhaps making one a woman???

So, the kid was gonna go to the football game to blow it up?  Eh, I doubt that'd work...

Also, didn't I read that he was 20?  So, how long has he been married with kids?  

Also, failed the OWC about a low budget.  Well, perhaps not.  If you keep the camera inside the cab at all times, I guess you could stage it so that we don't know about the outside world.  I guess it could work.  I won't adjust my grade if your idea was to keep the camera in the car at all times.  

You seem like a seasoned writer, so, I will assume that you wanted the camera in the cab.

6.5/10

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Stumpzian
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 2:04pm Report to Moderator
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Funny how the old bomb-timer-counting-down device always works. You had me holding my breath in the final seconds. The dialogue and other issues cited above can be fixed when you revisit this. Overall, pretty good take on the challenge.
Henry



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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 3:56am Report to Moderator
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Brave of you to attempt to tackle such a far-reaching subject and mix up two disaster scenarios in one short script, in one week! My hat is tipped to you sir/madam for trying.

However for me it didn't quite work. The scenario means this is out of reach of most low-budget producers, unless you could get very creative with a spare wrecked taxi cab and hide most of the accident.

Despite what Hollywood wants you to think, you can't make a person change their mind with a few lines of dialogue, never mind deprogram a suicide bomber, so if you wanted to sell this to me, the dialogue had to be stellar. Instead I found it quite unnatural and OTN to the point I was scanning through whole chunks.

The scenario you created was a good one but this hinged on the dialogue and the interaction between the two characters which didn't work (imo of course!) so I didn't buy it at all, although I do appreciate what you tried to do.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 10:00am Report to Moderator
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Success!  I was finally able to open this one...and I'm glad I got to read it.

This is pretty solid and very unique.  I am not a fan of the cliche "ticking time bomb" (which we actually and figuratively have here}, but damn...it can be effective and is here.

The pace and flow is well handled here and works together very effectively, although the "ending" was a little overblown for me.

You set this in 1 single scene - INT TAXI CAB, yet there is about a page where the rescue worker is present and conversing with the two in  the cab...and I don't think the windows were said to be down or broken out, meaning, this conversation would be tough all filmed from within...but possible, I guess.

For me, both characters were pretty well done.  Dialogue was either very good or very OTN and cheesy, which makes for a mixed bag - overall, I actually liked it, but can easily see where others will focus on the negative parts.

Action blocks a bit dense, with 1 at 5 lines, which you really should never, never do.

Dialogue was also a bit dense and could be trimmed back, and I'd lose all the talking out loud to oneself.

Biggest issue is the complete and utter disrespect for the poor old apostrophe.  Really?  Damn...very poor in this regard.  You MUST learn how and when to use apostrophes!!!!

For me, one of the top 5 or so.

Grade - B

Good effort.
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Wes
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
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Definitely meets the challenge.
Of course I have this irrational phobia of an overpass collapsing on me. Earthquakes have caused it to happen. Definitely roped me into the story.

Nice work. Larry does talk a bit too much. But over all I thought this was good.


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irish eyes
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
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Nice tone set straight off the bat.

Some on the nose dialogue but the timer is very effective.
The ending I thought was gonna be  more dramatic but just kinda petered out... everyone wins in the end.

i guess making a joke about their legs trapped is the in thing... first Larry, then the rescue worker lol

Good script and good job on entering


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Gum
Posted: August 21st, 2016, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
I can't open this for some reason.  It's all blacked out.


Same... weird. 11 pages of it.
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Gum
Posted: August 21st, 2016, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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OK, parsed it out in Acrobat. Doc info says it was created with Sophocles? Could be an issue with the compiler on your end perhaps.

Anyway. More fear porn. From what I understand, these guys blow shit up because it makes them rock stars in their homeland (like Club 27) but, with an incredibly distorted perception of logic. Their families are extremely well compensated for their actions, thus, recruiting more is fairly easy.

I'm hard pressed to say Inzir would sway from his logic of why he is doing it and, believe he might see it as a more opportune moment to take out an entire freeway structure. As well, to give the illusion he did not fail in his task but, merely adapted the plan based on his unforeseen circumstance.

The story is unique in its approach, and I dig how you went into the theme with them being trapped right off the bat. Works well even if I did find the sudden twist of fate unsatisfying. Good work.
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ChrisBodily
Posted: August 23rd, 2016, 3:48am Report to Moderator
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Page 2 and it reads too much like a novel. This is way overwritten -- and in the worst possible way.

Not sure whether I could continue; I can barely follow it as is.

Pass.


FADE IN:
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grademan
Posted: August 23rd, 2016, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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The dialogue could use a good shave. Too many blocks of dialogue. The "I was so confused" ending fizzled. Other than that, not bad.
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