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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  Hard Fare - OWC
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  Author    Hard Fare - OWC  (currently 2450 views)
Don
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 8:57am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hard Fare by 0 - Short, Drama - Two men trapped in a taxi must work together to survive...10 pages pdf - pdf, format


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eldave1
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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Overall, a solid premise. Unique.

Stretches the concept of low budget a bit.

I had real issues with the dialogue in this one.


Quoted Text
LARRY
Jesus, that hurts...


My preference - but I would rather see action/facial description here rather than dialigue - to himself.


Quoted Text
LARRY
Damn...the overpass. Collapsed
out of nowhere.


Okay - twice in a row to himself - this time for exposition purposes - seems unnatural.

Several more places where, at least for me, the dialogue was too expositional. It was just unnatural.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 10:47am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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I enjoyed this, though I couldn't fundamentally say I could believe it.

It's not a new topic. I've seen both shorts and feature films dealing with similar ideas, though not necessarily in this precise location.

I didn't buy that he would be talked around so easily. I think he'd be too far gone at this point for such an easy conversion.

I don't know what I think, really. I think it needs a slightly different perspective to really stand out in the world of shorts, but like I said...I did enjoy it.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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Well, I liked this one. Definately had me on the edge of my seat until the end.



SPOILERS

As if the crash wasn't bad enough for  the two, you uped the ante with the back pack. Nice.

I'm sure this is one of our seasoned writers.

I thought you did an awesome job.

You met  the challenge, and did it very well.

Congrats,

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hard fare

Low budget? Hum. I suppose things could be used for effect but doesn't seem in that territory

Ok. Very good use of tension a collapsed bridge and a bomb. Why have one when you can have two!

Got a bit preachy towards the end.'

I don't know. Didn't set the world on fire, and felt a little off, but ok

I think it's one of those that could really work, but doesn't yet. Almost too much attempted, and. A little unsubtle. Sound work for the week

Pass/consider


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Warren
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 11:50pm Report to Moderator
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Dialogue is on the nose and like the rest if the script I felt it was over written.

I found Larry to be a bit all over the place. One minute he is very calm for the initial issue of the accident, then he flies off the rails, then he is supper calm again. He just didn't seem like a real human.

A few its that should be it's floating around.

SPOILERS:

The story as a whole I didn't buy. It's a nice idea but extremists, whether they are Muslim, Christian, or otherwise, are just that. I fail to believe that Larry the cabbie is going to guilt trip/sob story a terrorist into not executing his plan. So what if he has a sister and his family has died, most of them do have families and carry out horrendous acts. Then giving him a leave pass at the end, again nice sentiment, but not believable in any way.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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Too much talking to himself, feels unnatural...

Nice premise but an Afghan terrorist, a little cliche?

Redeems itself in the end.

Decent effort


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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realxwriter
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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I like it. The description and the writing style is top notch. Clear, and straight to the point without being dull. I loved it. The dialogue needs another rewrite, but it was good enough for me. Just some lines didn't seem natural coming from people facing imminent death. My biggest problem with your script is that the theme was heavy handed in the last act. I feel like we would have enjoyed a longer and a deeper debate between the two, if it wasn't for the 10 pages restraint.

I admire your talent. Best of luck.
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
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Budget is a little large, but with a few changes it might work.  Talking to himself a little too much, but once it got going it wasn't bad.  Tension is there, though a bit cliche had a nice ending.  Human touch is sometimes a good ending, but might consider some other ways to end it in case a producer wants a not so happy ending.  Good luck with this.


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SAC
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 7:41am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Nice story. Good tension/stakes, and an original premise. The problem I had here wasn't a a big one, and it's your action blocks can be shorter. It made the script seem almost a chore to read, or a t least that's how it felt out of the gate. Also, Larry talking to himself didn't work for me at all. Actually, Larry mentions to himself the overpass collapsed, then later Inzir asks what happened and Larry tells him the same. Don't you think you could've lost that first part? Sure, because it's so much better when two characters are giving exposition than one.

Overall, I liked this one a lot! Good message and story, just needs a few tweaks IMO.

Steve


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Hunter
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed this one. It was tense, it handled real world issues effectively, and the ending was especially great.

There are just a couple of things that need to be fixed. The talking to himself at the beginning was a little much, it didn't exactly feel natural, and it doesn't seem necessary, as he explains the overpass collapse to Inzir later. Maybe you could have him be in pain, and dazed, and keep it short.

While I accept that this is a crazy situation for Larry, I do think that he goes from accusing Inzir with all of these stereotypes to sympathizing and trying to work with him too quickly. Maybe if he didn't go as far into the accusing it wouldn't seem like as much of a sudden jump.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 3:11am Report to Moderator
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OTN dialogue is very off-putting.

Now it's cheesy dialogue.

Now completely unbelievable dialogue.

A pass.
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LC
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 6:44am Report to Moderator
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I'm a cynic so I'm pretty sure they'd work out that was Inzir's backpack, and I didn't believe for one minute him being talked into giving the code.

Some dialogue was iffy, including 'when I picked you up I thought you were a nice guy' or words to that effect. Good premise an accident thwarting his plans and putting him in a quandry but this is a martyr character so, hmm, it's possible conscience might kick in, in the right circumstance.

I'm on the fence with this one as it currently plays out. I think with some changes it could be quite good. Perhaps if some innocent, like a child, or someone he's well acquainted with in his past  is involved in this accident, someone close to him, not a random taxi driver who is essentially a stranger. Perhaps that someone is from the past and they knew each other well, he/she owes him etc. Just some suggestions.

A good central idea, I just think it needs more moral dilemma involving someone the central guy actually knows, higher stakes.


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EWall433
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 8:44am Report to Moderator
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I like the decision to start right in the accident. Larry talking to himself I like less. The line where he recites to himself how the accident happened is particularly useless seeing as he explains it again to Inzir just a couple pages later.

“Your backpack? Yes, its here in the front. Passenger side floor. I remember you had it on your lap just before the crash. Why are you so concerned about it?”

This is an unlikely line of dialogue. Situations like this have a way of streamlining communication to the bare essentials. For instance, it's enough to know it's up front, why mention its specific location as well. Why mention remembering it was on Inzir’s lap? Inzir already knows that, and it doesn't appear to be relevant. This line could easily be, “Your backpack? Yeah, it's up here. Why?”

I LOVE the scenario here, but Larry talks too much about things he should not care about. He's asking Inzir to explain why he does this before asking him if he can stop the bomb. With only 3 minutes left to live, Inzir’s radicalization process would be nowhere on the list of topics that interested me.

So this is one of my favorites. There's a lot of tension at the end when the bomb shifts out of grasp. But I think there's also a lot of room for improvement. Larry and Inzir’s interactions don't really map onto reality for me. Larry should be concerned about stopping the bomb first and only listens to Inzir's story because he's trying to convince him to give up the code. There needs to be a stronger connection between Larry and Inzir for me to buy that Inzir will just let some guy talk him out of this. And the way Larry convinces him gives me the idea that Inzir didn't really think this through at all. Finally, the dialogue at the end is on the nose. The resolution sells this message well enough that Larry doesn't need to speak it like this.

But the gist of this I like a lot and I think it could be really great if you get the exchanges between the characters to feel more honest and less plot driven or theme forcing.
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 10:38am Report to Moderator
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I can't open this for some reason.  It's all blacked out.
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JEStaats
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Great start with decent banter. Dialogue got a little weak for me. Larry's going to need a good story for the Feds to explain his fingerprints on the bombs keypad though (sorry, spoiler).
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Heretic
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
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What if Inzir was the protagonist of this story, instead of Larry?

Working from Inzir's perspective from the start might give us a chance to understand his uncertainty about the bomb right away, and make it more believable that he's talked out of it by a random stranger. I'm also wondering if it might be more interesting if he gave the code in response not to a direct argument, but to a recognition of similarities between the two men. I don't really believe that a stranger manages to talk someone out of a terrorist act through logical argumentation alone (even if he's not a bad arguer). I think Inzir has to already have major doubts and he has to see something in this particular stranger that really changes his mind. (Maybe their mothers are both named Martha - ha ha.)

I really like this premise and I think you could work it into something very interesting. But the motivations and characters, as standing, are a little familiar. Of course Inzir's family was killed by drones. Of course he was radicalized by U.S. action. Of course the cabbie's right in the end.

Heck, what if the cabbie was an Afghan immigrant who lost family to the war, too?

I like this one for the premise and the ambition, and I'd gladly check out a rewrite.
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Cameron
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
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Well written, so well that I was properly tense for the first half when establishing their entrapment and the bomb. You've crafted a good piece here, and considering it's basically all one scene, you've done really well to keep it moving and interesting.

On the subject matter, I don't have any issues with it but I can see some people will.

So it basically ticks all the boxes, my only issue then is with the cost of producing it. It may be able to be done on the cheap if it is just filmed within the confines of the cab, so I'll let it through on that assumption.

A consider from me
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DanC
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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I kinda enjoyed it.  The dialog was OTN.

I guess you and I are the only ones who talk to themselves all the time.  I got slammed for that too, oh, as you all know now, this isn't mine.  Or am I faking????

But, yeah, apparently, no one talks to themselves anymore in real life, so, I guess stay away from that in a script.  

I don't oh SPOILERS

I don't buy that he'd give the code.  I don't buy that the cabbie wouldn't say who's bomb it is.

Also, perhaps it was just me, but, I had a bit of trouble at the beginning when you said HE did something, which he?  They are both he's.  Perhaps making one a woman???

So, the kid was gonna go to the football game to blow it up?  Eh, I doubt that'd work...

Also, didn't I read that he was 20?  So, how long has he been married with kids?  

Also, failed the OWC about a low budget.  Well, perhaps not.  If you keep the camera inside the cab at all times, I guess you could stage it so that we don't know about the outside world.  I guess it could work.  I won't adjust my grade if your idea was to keep the camera in the car at all times.  

You seem like a seasoned writer, so, I will assume that you wanted the camera in the cab.

6.5/10

Dan


Please read my scripts:
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Stumpzian
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 2:04pm Report to Moderator
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Funny how the old bomb-timer-counting-down device always works. You had me holding my breath in the final seconds. The dialogue and other issues cited above can be fixed when you revisit this. Overall, pretty good take on the challenge.
Henry



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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 3:56am Report to Moderator
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Brave of you to attempt to tackle such a far-reaching subject and mix up two disaster scenarios in one short script, in one week! My hat is tipped to you sir/madam for trying.

However for me it didn't quite work. The scenario means this is out of reach of most low-budget producers, unless you could get very creative with a spare wrecked taxi cab and hide most of the accident.

Despite what Hollywood wants you to think, you can't make a person change their mind with a few lines of dialogue, never mind deprogram a suicide bomber, so if you wanted to sell this to me, the dialogue had to be stellar. Instead I found it quite unnatural and OTN to the point I was scanning through whole chunks.

The scenario you created was a good one but this hinged on the dialogue and the interaction between the two characters which didn't work (imo of course!) so I didn't buy it at all, although I do appreciate what you tried to do.

-Mark


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Dreamscale
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 10:00am Report to Moderator
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Success!  I was finally able to open this one...and I'm glad I got to read it.

This is pretty solid and very unique.  I am not a fan of the cliche "ticking time bomb" (which we actually and figuratively have here}, but damn...it can be effective and is here.

The pace and flow is well handled here and works together very effectively, although the "ending" was a little overblown for me.

You set this in 1 single scene - INT TAXI CAB, yet there is about a page where the rescue worker is present and conversing with the two in  the cab...and I don't think the windows were said to be down or broken out, meaning, this conversation would be tough all filmed from within...but possible, I guess.

For me, both characters were pretty well done.  Dialogue was either very good or very OTN and cheesy, which makes for a mixed bag - overall, I actually liked it, but can easily see where others will focus on the negative parts.

Action blocks a bit dense, with 1 at 5 lines, which you really should never, never do.

Dialogue was also a bit dense and could be trimmed back, and I'd lose all the talking out loud to oneself.

Biggest issue is the complete and utter disrespect for the poor old apostrophe.  Really?  Damn...very poor in this regard.  You MUST learn how and when to use apostrophes!!!!

For me, one of the top 5 or so.

Grade - B

Good effort.
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Wes
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
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Definitely meets the challenge.
Of course I have this irrational phobia of an overpass collapsing on me. Earthquakes have caused it to happen. Definitely roped me into the story.

Nice work. Larry does talk a bit too much. But over all I thought this was good.


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irish eyes
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
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Nice tone set straight off the bat.

Some on the nose dialogue but the timer is very effective.
The ending I thought was gonna be  more dramatic but just kinda petered out... everyone wins in the end.

i guess making a joke about their legs trapped is the in thing... first Larry, then the rescue worker lol

Good script and good job on entering


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Gum
Posted: August 21st, 2016, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
I can't open this for some reason.  It's all blacked out.


Same... weird. 11 pages of it.
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Gum
Posted: August 21st, 2016, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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OK, parsed it out in Acrobat. Doc info says it was created with Sophocles? Could be an issue with the compiler on your end perhaps.

Anyway. More fear porn. From what I understand, these guys blow shit up because it makes them rock stars in their homeland (like Club 27) but, with an incredibly distorted perception of logic. Their families are extremely well compensated for their actions, thus, recruiting more is fairly easy.

I'm hard pressed to say Inzir would sway from his logic of why he is doing it and, believe he might see it as a more opportune moment to take out an entire freeway structure. As well, to give the illusion he did not fail in his task but, merely adapted the plan based on his unforeseen circumstance.

The story is unique in its approach, and I dig how you went into the theme with them being trapped right off the bat. Works well even if I did find the sudden twist of fate unsatisfying. Good work.
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ChrisBodily
Posted: August 23rd, 2016, 3:48am Report to Moderator
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Page 2 and it reads too much like a novel. This is way overwritten -- and in the worst possible way.

Not sure whether I could continue; I can barely follow it as is.

Pass.


FADE IN:
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grademan
Posted: August 23rd, 2016, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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The dialogue could use a good shave. Too many blocks of dialogue. The "I was so confused" ending fizzled. Other than that, not bad.
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