This has some good political comedy.

The witch goes from being called witch to woman to Francis.

A part I enjoyed:

SIMON
Fellow warlocks and witches, pay
attention to the number above the gateway.
splashes a cup of water onto a neighboring witch.
collapses behind her seat, shouting "I`m melting"
The number reads : 954,997 and it continues to rise.

6.
GATEWAY

SSIMON That number represents the amount of
black witches and warlocks... That have signed up to "Witchbook."... Each time we sign up, the gateway gets bigger and Satan gets stronger... When we reach one million, Lucifer will walk among us and nothing on
this planet can stop us...



Sandra

I like when someone tries a comedy and obviously this is what you where going for.
It made me laugh out loud quite a few times.
Iran president and Obama working together to thwart the Canadian prime minister and then flipping it all around. A lot of Witches and Warlocks...
There are quite a few grammar mistakes, which probably means it was rushed late at night last minute, but you left it off quite well and I would be interested to see your feature.

Good job on finishing the OWC

Mark

Hold your head high, you completed an OWC script!

P. 4
The idea of the U.N. being a witch hunt, is chuckle worthy.

P. 5
So that’s why the U.N. has such a big emblem. Nice.

P. 7
LOL. Witchbook.
Are you saying that social networking is evil?!? OMG!

Finished. The writing’s long in the tooth, but...
Total goofball material... and you know what?
I know exactly what it’s about and where it’s going.
Very few of these I can say that about. So kudos there!

Regards,
E.D.

Well, Paul Sheldon, it's good to see you back in writing again. Are you still walking with a cane?

your cover page scared me when I 1st opened it up.

I thought this story was very imaginative. I found a few jokes in there that were funny. Would I read on? I don't know, probably not. It's a little too silly for me.

I thought it was well written though.

The title didn't exactly grab me. However, if this is only the beginning of this feature then I can imagine Mitch becoming a big part of this story so maybe then the title will feel more suitable.

You did a good job, it just wasn't my type of comedy.

Page 1. The world leaders are socializing, shaking hands, hugging, smiling and giggling like children. Are you sure it giggling is the word you want to use here? I just can't picture world leaders to be doing that.

The TV reporter said that these world leaders were the most influential leaders of the free world. I guess this will be comedy or satire or parody since I see that Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is there. Or perhaps this takes place in the future.

Page 3. LOL! The picture of Madonna while describing torture was funny. So I guess this is comedy.

I don't think the colostomy bag joke was funny though. Seems to me, that someone that has one of those should be able to last longer than other people.

I like the word Twitcher.

I like WitchBook.

Page 10. He came with his own broomstick! That's funny.

Sorry, I'm not a fan. While I did chuckle at a few parts, the comedy felt too forced for my tastes. I can definitely see the Naked Gun analogy.

Still, it's a decent script, even despite its flaws.

While the story overall didn't thrill me, some of the comedy had its moments.  The UN stuff and the flashing of images on the screen pertaining to death by water, the burning witch and the melting witch was entertaining.

I liked the second part of the story least, with the three witches. Although, the Mitch joke was a hoot.

Since I'm not a fan of comedy, I'm the last person to want to read comedy on the page.  So, with that in mind, I'm surprised I ready this through and liked some of the scenes.  I don't see this as a feature, but only you know whether there is more to come.

Good luck on moving forward.

There's a lot I would change about this script.

However, I would say, the basic concept is amusing.  It was just the execution that needs some adjustment.

There were definitely a few funny lines and a couple of times that I got a good belly laugh out of it. The other commuters on the train were jealous of me laughing, I could tell.

It was definitely a short rather than a feature - you would not be able to sustain a feature like this.  However, as a short it would be interesting and amusing.

Just spend some time cleaning it up - especially the front page.   I think on the first page we should feel it was real.  And then later you can have things go topsy-turvy.  

You also missed Witchipedia.

Good Luck.

Michael  

>

BIG MAMMOTH TITLE AND AUTHOR ALIAS ON TITLE PAGE

Hey, at least I can see it!
I'm tempted to not even read this right at this moment. I don't care. I don't give a rat's tail. Yes, the OWCs are just that and there's nothing rewally etched in stone, but still...show some pride, a little respect. It comes across as being stupid. The script needs to rebound. I'm stunned how my SS peers just let that go. In fact, I'm more stunned at them than you for letting you pull that stunt. But some folks dig it...so I'll give it a chance.

The script better nail this. Does it?
The margins are off at the top. Strike two.
Loads of grammar errors. Strike Three. You're out.

Not funny...confined to the UN toliet.

WOW!!  It looks like DJS is in a foul mood this evening.  Very, VERY negative, mean spirited comments coming out...

Quoted from Dreamscale WOW!!  It looks like DJS is in a foul mood this evening.  Very, VERY negative, mean spirited comments coming out...

You have no idea.
You might think we switched places.

Seriously, this script rubbed me the wrong way and didn't stop. It almost screamed pisstake to me. You didn't write this I hope.

Anyway, it's the last "negative wave" coming from me on this disappointing OWC. I even struggled with my own entry for a week and nearly disowned it. Come to think of it, the night is young.

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley You have no idea.  You might think we switched places. Seriously, this script rubbed me the wrong way and didn't stop. It almost screamed pisstake to me. You didn't write this I hope. Anyway, it's the last "negative wave" coming from me on this disappointing OWC. I even struggled with my own entry for a week and nearly disowned it. Come to think of it, the night is young.

No, I didn't write this or any of the OWC scripts.

Funny, because I was actually pleasantly surprised by the quality of this OWC.  IMO, it was probably the strongest yet.  I assumed they'd all be piss poor, and that wasn't the case, at least IMO.

I was so busy laughing at this I forgot I was supposed to be giving it a critical eye.    Really, this busted me up.  All I could think was how everyone knows that politics and the black arts go hand in hand!!

Okay, okay.  Jeff always tells me to avoid words ending in 'ing' in the action, and there are loads of those, so that could be spruced up.

I loved the banter between the 'politicians', and I was particularly fond of the warlock who wanted to stay Bill Gates because he was 'comfortable' that way.  HI-larious!!

The only thing I felt was weak was the black guy joke at the end.

Other than that -- awesome!

Quoted from steven8 Okay, okay.  Jeff always tells me to avoid words ending in 'ing' in the action, and there are loads of those, so that could be spruced up.

First of all, welcome back, Steven.  Where ya been, bro?

Secondly, and more importantly, the simple way to look at it is - yeah, avoid words ending in "ing", but that's not really true when you get down to the nitty gritty.  It's passive writing you want to avoid, and passive writing is caused by using passive main verbs in your action/description lines.

You don't need to fear all words ending in "ing".

Quoted from Dreamscale First of all, welcome back, Steven.  Where ya been, bro? Secondly, and more importantly, the simple way to look at it is - yeah, avoid words ending in "ing", but that's not really true when you get down to the nitty gritty.  It's passive writing you want to avoid, and passive writing is caused by using passive main verbs in your action/description lines. You don't need to fear all words ending in "ing".

Oh, you know, just livin' the dream Jeff!     I've been sticking my toe in here and there on SS and now I feel it's time to dive back in.  I just love screenwriting.

There was just one paragraph of action in Mitch with so many words in a row ending in 'ing' that I felt would have read stronger if rewritten.  Since you and I talked, I've tried my best to write without the 'ing', so as not to fall into the passive style.  I've always appreciated your advice!

I had to crack this open, due to controversy stirring on the boards..

Right away, I am put off by the writing. It is a bit long and you intro two characters right off as "look-alikes".

I would avoid that in the future and its redundancy.

The boldness of your font seems to change eratically. What software do you use?

WOMAN
Ouch. Oww, my gina! My gina. . .
Usually I`m happy with some wood
between my legs, but 400 years. . .
C`mon. - good stuff here. I rarely laugh out loud when I read scripts, but you got me.

Some funny stuff here. I'll admit, i enjoyed it because cooky shit like this is right up my alley. I don't think the set-up has legs for a feature, though.

The appearance of Mitch at the end could be a nice inciting incident to kick off the story, but I will admit, I have no idea where it is to go from this point. I guess the witches will attempt to save mankind from Bezelbub?

Not gonna think too much into this. Its loaded with mistakes, and that's on you. But, I liked it.

James