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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2012 OWC  ›  Of Mice and Monsters - OWC
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  Author    Of Mice and Monsters - OWC  (currently 5536 views)
Don
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Of Mice and Monsters by 0 - Short - A magic possessing gypsy girl in a Nazi concentration camp discovers there is no way to truly be free of the horror. - pdf, format


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Ledbetter
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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There was a good story here.

Is there a difference between gypsies and Witches? I'm not sure.

One area I would recommend you expand on a bit are the guards.

Guard (1), guard (2), guard (3) completely speed bumped this story for me. I kept saying, okay, which one is which (no pun).

Young woman (1), young woman (2). Same thing here. Give us some descriptions.

Otherwise, they are very one dimensional and we don’t route for them.

In fact, on page 8 you have , young woman (1), young woman (2) , middle age lady, guard (1) and Guard (2) inside of barracks (1) with officers on the way.

You should give them some character description.

Like I said, the bones of the story are good. I could see you taking this all the way to a feature.

Good job!

Shawn.....
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Forgive
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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Best of the lot so far - really well told - a great tale, written with vivid imagination. Paced well, with highs and lows, thoughtful, clear. All good IMO.

Legs to be a feature, either animation or on-animated.

Not got a clue who the writer is, but it's as well written as pretty much anything I've seen here.

Top notch.
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grademan
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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Like the double meaning of the title especially in a concentration camp.

Things to improve:

If the numbered characters are not to be seen again, I can see some justification of using them. However, it does slow the reader down.

The mouse thing looks like a one trick pony so far.

Why do movie characters give a vague warning “you must return by dsylight” without clear consequences?

The killing of the guard by another guard appears gratuitous.

How does a camp girl get several loaves of bread? And not get attacked? How does a mouse not get eaten?

Check the use of the word weak on the first page.

I’d read another ten pages.

Gary
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dbailey
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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This was great, I really liked it.  It felt very fresh and original even with the well trod World War 2 setting.

Something I noticed on page 7:

Guard(1) gives bread to her brother and other inmates who
crowd around.
The ALARM sounds. He straightens with worry.

While this was pretty clear due to understanding the premise, you probably want to be more consistent with gender.  Pick one and stick with it, I'd say.

I also was thrown by Deana's fate.  So kudos for keeping me on my toes.

Good job!
:Duan
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this one was pretty good. The best of the three I've read so far. Now, the script itself is pretty weak, in my opinion, but I think it would look pretty good if it ever got made. That's mostly because of the look it would have, rather than the characters or story.

You have the mouse and the brother who's not doing much and Guard 2 and the two girls and it seems disjointed but I'd figure you have an idea of where you want to take it.

You also went onto page 11 on this one. That is kind of disappointing because despite your lack of descriptions on most of your characters, your prose was written in such a way that it could have easily been trimmed down to make room for that extra half a page.

Notes:

Like others said, try specifying guard 1 with something. If Guard 1 is female, like you suggest, that should make it a little easier to identify her.
Try not to separate your dialogue between two pages.
In Deana's introduction, there's an interesting issue. Some people will say it's unfilmable, some not. I go in the middle. I'm fine with everythng except "eager to face the world". That... you can't show.
As with Mirela's introduction, I'm not partial to similes in there. "As a enchanted forest" doesn't work for me.
This is also a debateable thing. Ok vs. Okay. You can never go wrong with "okay" but if you use "ok", you might find that stickler for details who doesn't like it.
No descriptions for Guard 2 or German Officer (German shouldn't be all caps here, anyway).
At the top of page 7, unused sounds odd. Try "not used".
If Guard 2 is a Corporal, you could always call him that, to distinguish him from others. In addition to that, as a rank, Corporal would be capitalized.
Guard 3 also has no description before he's killed. I'm not the biggest fan in the world when it comes to description, but you have to have something.
I just realized what you mean, now. The description would've helped but I got it now why Yoska was calling the guy guard his sister. Clever, but also misleading without any describing words.
Three new characters with no description. I understand you only have ten pages, but Young Woman, Middle-Aged Lady (needs the hyphen) and Young Woman 2?
Which brings me to Ruth. You spend two lines describing her but all is unfilmable (that's a fact) and none is about her look.
Skeletal Inmates. I'm not buying that description. Try "Inmates who resemble skeletons". Bad description also, but the way you have it leads people to believe the inmates are literally skeletons.
Bottom of page 8, you didn't capitalize Guard 2, this time.
Another thing that splits people, although less than some others things. Your use of O.C. in place of O.S. at the bottom of 10.

Good luck with it and good job entering the OWC.


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jwent6688
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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A very fine read here. Very creative. I'm not familiar with gypsy folklore. I wonder if they were ever rumored to possess other bodies with mice, or if that was invented by the writer.

I can see how some others thought this was confusing, but in a filmed version, I think most would get it by page 3.

Yoska calling the gaurd Mirela threw me for a loop in the beginning as well, but then I got it.

Did wonder why these possessed bodies couldn't be used for violence. If the writer decides to revisit this, you might want to drop a point about that.

This actually stands better on its own as a short rather than an opening to a feature IMO. It has a beginning, middle, and end. It's dark and right up my alley. Good work.

James




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Andrew
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
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I agree that this would transfer well to screen. The last 2-3 pages ran out of steam a bit. After a measured and well paced 6 pages, the explosion of violence and breakthrough of the Allies was a bit rushed; a bit of a struggle to read. I don't think the way it was written (with the breakdown in action) was particularly helpful. I think it's fair to assume that this was largely a product of time running out on you. In a rewrite you could obviously circumvent that pacing problem with additional pages.

The gypsy trick with the mice was cool, and I also liked the title.


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stevie
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 9:10pm Report to Moderator
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I was keen for this, I really was. It has all the ingredients for a really good script. But to me, it hasn't been assembled properly.

I dunno, I found myself skipping ahead in parts. I didn't want to but the way it was written had me all over the place.

One note - the Allies knew bugger all about the death camps until they liberated them. I'm pretty sure they never deliberately bombed them. Maybe strategic targets nearby but certainly not right on the camps

I'd like to see this continue but I feel it needs more careful planning

Cheers stevie



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Ryan1
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 10:07pm Report to Moderator
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I like the detail of the setting in this script.  The writer efficiently painted a portrait of the abject horror these prisoners faced.  Althought the opening exchange between Yoska and the Guard was confusing, it was soon weaved into the story quite well.  As others have already commented, I think it would have worked better to give the guards actual names and physical descriptions.  The use of the mice was a nice(although repulsive) touch.

There were some clunky lines:
"Deana spoons soup into her mouth purposely"
"A thin line of blue on the eastern horizon shows the dawn
approaches."

This had the feel of a short rather than the first ten of a feature.  The violence beginning on page 7 felt forced and hurried, like the writer was rushing to get to the climax.  But, didn't quite make it, because it went over to eleven pages, so I have to deduct points for that.

That being said, I think this concept is deep enough to sustain a feature length story.  Although, I would like to see these gypsies use their witchcraft to battle Nazis in other ways, rather than just possession by rodents.  
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greg
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 12:45am Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this.

Interesting take on the theme and it felt very complete.  The ending was powerful.  Real good imagery there.

Dialogue could use some work as it sounded pretty stiff.  Also, consider using different labels for your generic characters.  For example, instead of Guard(1) he could be Fat Guard and instead of Guard(2) he could be Bearded Guard.  It adds a tad of description to each guy and drops the numbers which can be kind of confusing to read.

I also don't think camps were liberated via paratroopers but it's a nice Hollywood image anyway.

Nice work!

Greg


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Penoyer79
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 1:07am Report to Moderator
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original and entertaining. not much else to add....i kinda figured it would end something like the way it did.

good read, nice work!

cant wait to see who authored it.
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wonkavite
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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Liked this one.  It has *tons* of potential, and I could see this getting made into a great (and emotionally very effective) short.  Thought the opening visuals were very well phrased, and I like how the personalities between Deana and Mirala forshadow their divergent actions later in the script (ie: one is non-violent, the other ready to fight for her life.)  The tragic irony at the end - very poignant, works well.

A few thoughts/critiques to make it even better:

* Bring in Ruth earlier.  Also, maybe have the "bodies" discovered earlier - adds more tension when the firefight breaks out

* Weak and vacant are used a little *too* much as adjectives.  Mix it up!

* The 'tasting freedom' line was too melodramatic for my tastes.  No pun intended.  Tone down a notch?

* Name the guards.  #1 and #2 makes reading difficult and takes away from the story

* Ruth's description is too 'unfilmable'.  Reword...

Other than that?  Kudos!  Good job, Mary Juana....  (Good title, too.)



Revision History (1 edits)
wonkavite  -  March 4th, 2012, 12:57pm
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Pale Yellow
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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I loved this script. The irony...the tension...the taste of freedom that never came...

I can definitely see this made into a really strong, dramatic short.

This script had the most powerful ending of any of the shorts I've ever read.

Great work!
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 5th, 2012, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I'm sorry but I can't be nearly as positive about this one. I have very mixed thoughts.

On the positive side, assuming this is a fresh idea, it's very creative...cool, even.

It's also a rather "big" concept going on, set within reality, which to me, is always cool.

The writing has lots of issues going on.  On some hands, it's good, and even shows some talent, but there are so many mistakes, awkward phrasings, repetition, unnecessary words, under writing in places where some detail is needed, and mostly, an irritating style that seems to want to be cool and hip, but actually comes off as a distraction, for me, at least.

I don't see this as the first 10 of a feature in any way.  As a short, it can be cool..and good, but in no way does this feel like the first 10, or would it/cold it have feature legs.

Too much going on here to provide any real detail or develop any characters or plot, IMO.  The writing style does not help here, either, IMO.

So, I'll say my usual, "good effort", but I will also highlight it with a little more, as there are definitely positives on display here and much of my dislike is a personal choice in how the writing looks and comes across.

Good effort.
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