This was a pretty good story but has some big issues for me.  It didn't read too well and I think it would have benefited from a bit more time spent cleaning it up.  An example is this; Deana has three dialogues in a row without action between, why?

There are few things I don't thing are plausible either.  Would they push a cart to remove two corpses when someone's shooting in the barracks?  Would the prisoners be bothered about a mouse when they're starving to death and again the camp is under fire.

Despite these niggles, I enjoyed this and it was a good story. Not sure it can any further though.

I thought the logline was intriguing enough to get me to read the comments and the comments made me open the script.   I think your logline needs a bit more information in it - it doesn't really tell me much about the story - except where and who.  Is the story simply one of discovery?  Sounds a bit boring.

The script itself was a delight.  I would love to read more.  I think you should be careful about generic names as they were very distracting.

However, you did a good job, that's a great start to the script.  Not sure if it really gives me that much of an idea of what the rest of the script is about because it doesn't seem you could write a feature just about the mouse trying to get back to the girl's body.  I can't really tell from the logline, so I just have to trust you know where you're going with it and you have enough material to write it.

I have my doubts whether this can be turned into a feature but it sure as hell would be an excellent short.

I like your writing style, in fact it reminds me of something else I’ve been reading over the last couple of days and I wonder if the author is experimenting with something new in his/her technique.  I for one liked how the action was done but can see why others wouldn’t. There were also a couple typos but that’s the usual throughout this OWC.

I understand people’s concerns with the names.You can normally get away with it if it’s one or two over a long period but with all the guards, officer, young woman etc in such a short space of time,  it grew old fast.

I liked the story here, very creative but it did feel like it has literally ended so I just can’t see where this would go as a feature?

I enjoyed this one though and liked your technique in writing, it was different and flowed well IMO.

I also liked the title here, well done.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve

First off i think this was a short, not the first ten. Amongst other things, it wasn't 10 pages long.

Title - interesting. it gives a feel of david versus goliath so the actual result, whilst totally in line with it, was a surprise (on reflection it does both, so even better than first thought)

Logline - simple and more appropriate for a short, i think.

Story - i liked this. The writing generally flowed well but the core idea, a girl can turn into a mouse and take over a body is fabulous. Then you place it in a superb setting for this to happen.

Ok, issues exist, and I would be fascinated to see how you film that one, but i liked it. Creative.

I have two names in mind for this author, time will tell.

Finally,  i will find it hard to compare this to those providing the first ten pages of a feature. So if we are asked to decide which are the stronger ones, i will have to take this into account. If only the two options could be separated.

all the best.

Definitely feels like a short rather than a feature and I don't think it could be stretched to feature length without impacting the story and pace.

It's a sad story set in sad times and in a sad place - so the tone works.

My main concern is that the short is based on a hook (gypsy lore teaches one to inhabit the body of a mouse...). I didn't feel any character development or traits for such a dramatic piece. I felt for the characters - but only because I know about the concentration camps and what atrocities took place there. If this was set in any other time or place, there would be no feel for the characters - especially since they are young, innocent girls.

And as other people said - too many characters with no names. I would suggest naming them to stop any confusion.

Hope this helps. Congrats with the story -I think there is a great premise here that needs some fine tuning.

Initially stuggled a bit to work out what was going on, but it was clearer on a second read. First time through I was thrown when he called the guard "sister".

I have a question about the opening slug:

We're told that we're outside a concentration camp, then we go to the night sky.

Seems to me it would make more sense to start on darkness then have that darkness pierced by the tracer bullets, then fall down to the concentration camp.

A small point, but reading the slug calls to mind a specific image of the camp, then going to the sky felt odd.

Not sure if I'm even correct or not, but it sort of threw me a little by not making sense cinematically.

After that everytthing pretty much goes swimmingly. Very strong pacing and strong storytelling that had an emotional impact.

Also liked the work with the mouse crawling out of people's mouths...a very nice image.

Rick.

Thumbs up on submitting to the OWC!

P. 1
If someone’s got more than a line or two, give them a name.
Even if it’s MOUSTACHE. Give the fella some color.

P. 4
I really like the mouse device.
Clever and easy to understand. High marks.

P. 7
Pretty clumsy phrasing here...
hurries to reach his gun where it lies leaned against a wall.

P. 10
What does “races the beam” mean?

Finished.
I think this was more of a short?
Though the mouse’s life as a road picture could work.
Assuming the mouse can take over different bodies?
Our hero mouse goes on a quest for the Gypsies.
Could be fun!

Regards,
E.D.

This had more of a short feeling to it than a feature.

The writing itself was very good.
The storyline was kind of predictable for me half way through and seemed to lack steam towards the 11th page(I may add)
Character names would help... instead of Guard1 guard2 young woman 1 young woman2

good job on finishing your OWC

Mark

I don't like the title. Yes, cool take on the Steinbeck novel, and the Nazis were monsters, but when I see monsters in a script, I think kid's animation, comedy, or creature feature. Not the image that matches this script.

I am supposing this is a short not a feature, as it seems to end. Could be expanded to feature, depending on reaction to the premise. Seems to be a mixed reaction here, so maybe not.

Spirits leaving their bodies in animal form sounds familiar. Grim's folktales?

As Jeff says, good effort, congrats on finishing.

Overall I think this was fairly well done, but the first couple of pages I found difficult because the guard who is described as male and Guard 1 turns out to be referred to as Mirella and then too, Yoska says, "I'll try sister." I thought it was some kind of mistake until I worked my way further.

Sandra

I just wanted to add here that even though the Guard thing in the beginning threw me as well - it was only for the briefest moment.  I don't think it was a problem with the script so I don't think you should change it.   It will be a WTF moment visually but there's no reason you can't start your film with a WTF moment.  As a matter of fact that can be intriguing - which it was in this case.  

I think the suggestions made by people, such as Greg, Brett, Michael, to change the character names to something descriptive, such as SHIFTY EYED GUARD, or POT BELLIED GUARD, or GAPPED TOOTH GUARD...make good sense. I would not, however, give them names, such as SHULTZ, because that just adds to the number of names the reader has to memorize.

The confusion at the beginning, with Mirela and 'sister' and guard are obviously unavoidable, as that's how it is intended to come out in the film. It's just something the reader has to get through. Not sure what could be done about it.

Congrats on finishing the OWC!

I didn't get confused as much with the guards but when the women changes into the guards.

Other than that, it was good. I don't think though you have enough for a feature though but I could be wrong though.

Gabe

I think there is plenty to make a feature from.

Yoska could take care of Mirela when they are freed as they try to find a wiser gypsy who will be able to help them.

I enjoyed the read. Yes, the guard one and two part I had to reread, but it wasn't a biggie problem to me.

This kind of reminded me of another movie, but I can't remember the name of it right now. It was about a grandmother and her grandson (who had turned into a mouse) and there were witches in it. I remember the mouse getting loose in a hotel...

But I like your script. I think it has potential.  

Cindy

Thanks for reading, everyone. Sorry about the confusion with the Guards. I didn't want to give them individual names, because that just seemed to me like it would make it harder on the reader, more names to remember.  But Greg's suggestion of just using something more descriptive is a much better way. So SHIFTY EYED GUARD or MIDDLE AGED GUARD, maybe BIG NOSES GUARD, or CORPORAL.

I want to address the page length: does this really matter? My understanding is that a range of 8 to 12 pages is acceptable. This script is slightly more than 10 pages. If I ended a page earlier, it would be on page 10, but really closer to 9 pages. I don't see the merit in trying to cram a story too finely and stop exactly on 10 pages. A range makes sense to me.

Greg,  the paratroopers landing is a case of artistic license. I wanted something visual to indicate the arrival of the allies.

In real life, the allies liberated Buchenwald in the afternoon. When they got there, the inmates had taken over, having rebelled in the morning and killed many of their guards. the ovens burned almost to the last, though, and bodies were piled everywhere.

If I expand to a feature, the ending here will remain the same, but the rest would have to start earlier, before the camps. We would follow Mirela and her brother to the camps. Yoska is sick, and Mirela uses Gypsy magic to keep him alive.

And yes, the gypsies do have witches. In modern Romania, they recently had to ban witches from advertising on TV because it was so prevalent that it was turning into "witch TV". There are tens of thousands of gypsy witches in Romania.

Thanks for reading, and if you voted, many thanks. Congrats to Blood Root and all the other entries. Excellent OWC!

After writing this, I did some more research, found a sad but great story. It's a tale of three Gypsy sisters, whose parents were shot at their gypsy wagons. One sister had been in the woods, returned to find them dead. She hid, then found a horse and rid for 3 days. An old farm couple sheltered her for 3 years, and after the war she came to the US, became a lawyer, and died in 2010.

Her two sisters were taken to a camp. There, gypsies were worked and deliberately starved to death. One sister, 20, died. But there was a massed escape, and 300 got outside. Many actually made it with the help of local farmers. the other sister got out at this time. She had help from a German soldier or guard in the camp. And she found shelter in farms til the end of the war.

After the war, the German guard/soldier looked her up, and they were married. She died in 2010, like her sister, and they too had come to the US. They are survived by prosperous children and grandchildren.