I had read this earlier, but my pc went crazy so I didnt get a chance to comment.

I wont rehash whats been said other than this is a very solid work with potential to be a feature.

Keep at it because your doing good IMO.

Well done

HGW

Hey Kevin,

Well done and great story.

I agree, if you did a feature on this it seems to be closer to the end than anything else, having said that if it were at the mid point it could make for a fascinating story of what happens after and how this affects people and how they form relationships etc

Just loved the idea with the mouse. No only does it allow you to set up an unusual scene with a guard being the girl, but also the tension of the vulnerability of the mouse etc etc. lots of great things

Solid work.

Thanks, Bill, and I forget to mention where the mouse idea comes from: Grim's folktales.

Not the fairytales. There's a 2 volume book with hundreds of little folk tales, most only s couple of paragraphs. I found a few where servant girls in a castle are found asleep, unwakable, almost dead. They are watched, and it turns out they are using some kind of witchcraft at night to travel outside in the form of a mouse. It doesn't say what they do.

So to convert to a story, I had to give the mouse something useful to do besides spying. I thought borrowing a sleeping body made sense. And though it added some confusion by starting out with the guard visiting Yoska, I wanted the audience slightly confused, as they would be in a film when the boy calls him his sister. But the audience soon learns why, in the next scene. Some people probably couldn't read past that. Special thanks to those that did.

One I hadn't read yet!!

Will get on it tomorrow.

Congrats though. Looks like it was a popular script.  

I thought this one was excellent! In fact, if I had read it before I voted, I would probably have voted for this one. I loved the Gypsy trick. And I like how Deana didn't keep her word, but did which he thought would be best. Killing the Nazis. And by doing so, not only did she lose her own life but also Miela's. excellent dark gritty ironic tale. I have not read through the other comments, but I'm going to assume that others have pointed out a few things to fix.

Excellent work!

I remember you mentioning to me a while ago that you got some book on the Grimms fairytales. What was the name of that book? I'd like to get the copy.

The book is called Grim's Folktales. I forget the editor, it was put out around 1900. The brothers Grim collected their tales around 1800. They collected from a variety of sources. Many are first hand accounts they put together while traveling the country, but others were taken from journals or sent to them.

My idea was to try to take the germ of an idea and bring it to a modern tale, but it's difficult for most of these stories. I wanted to at least capture the spirit of those folk tales, but hard to say if I did.

I found the book at the library, not sure if there are prints for sale anywhere.

There were even stories that almost sound like UFO tales, though this is long before flight and the UFO age.

I've been looking into making this a feature, but one problem is that the Holocaust is so horrific I'm not sure what to put in film. If you reflect the reality of the camps, it's too hard to watch. If you don't, you minimize the evil. I'm struggling with it.

Thanks for reading!

This was by far my favorite story. The only reason this wasn't my top choice in the voting is the fact that I don't see it as a feature unless it's Ratatouille 2. =D

All jokes aside, I really loved this.

The only awkward wording I can agree with is when you use the word "weak" five times within four lines. It slowed my reading down when I noticed it. Good thing is was so early on since the rest was non-stop quality. Congrats. I would go back and vote for this to have it tie with Blood Roots (since I much preferred this), but it doesn't seem you can change your vote.

It hurt me not to vote for this, but I just think there was more of a challenge for people who tried to entertain with an unfinished story.

Hey Cinemachado

Thanks man. No need to change votes anyway. You are correct, if all things are equal, you should vote for the feature, as that was more the challenge. The votes are just for fun, to create discussion. I would have liked to have seen Secret War get a few more votes to get more in the discussion. No idea who wrote it. But Blood is fine work, deserves any attention it gets. I think Pia's story(Sinister) has legs, would have been more in the discussion if this was a 15 pager. The next 5 pages are gonna really crank her story up!

I actually wrote a start to a feature, but it wasn't ready by the deadline. It's up to 18 pages now, but I stopped to start yet another feature. I wanted to try the found footage. So one of these will be my 7WC.

As for the writing here, yeah, there are mistakes. I'm not a perfect writer. Hopefully I'll get better. Thanks for checking out! Oh, I never heard of that movie you mentioned. I'll IMDB it.

This was definitely complete as a short, and the idea of her becoming a mouse was inspired!  Of Mice and Monsters is so cool as a title/concept.

Perhaps because the subject matter is so sensitive, I really got cranked when the that woman stomped her.  

This an excellent piece of work, but please do give your characters easier names to follow.  I think that alone would fix the whole thing up.

Kevin,

Just an awesome read.  If there are problems, it didn't bother me.  I was swept away by both the story and your writing.  I gave my vote to Blood Roots because I felt it was set up as a feature.  Regardless, I'm in awe.  

Thanks, Abe, I appreciate it. No shame in losing to Blood anyway! Ryan's(I hear it's Ryan) a better writer.

Glad you liked it though.

I read the criteria for the work and I don't see this fitting. Alone, yes, intriguing, but as a start to a feature, no. The U.S. saves the day and the mouse sees it. Where to next? This should be the last 10 pages, not the first.

Hey Kevin,

I've been thinking about your script for awhile, trying to puzzle what I felt was an issue. I liked the script, went back and re-read it and liked it even more. I really want it to succeed and with some tightening and clean up work on it - it has great potential. But there was something niggling at me, and I finally realized what it was. It's the ending. Although it has a strong closing image, I can't help feeling that you might have an issue with the audience accepting the fate of her body about to go into the oven.

Are you going for the tragic ending? What demographic are you targeting? Someone had mentioned it could be a CGI feature?

I can't help but feel like she has to save herself in the end, as we leave on a very horrific beat... but that does go against what you have currently setup in these 10 pages; which is the result of not following the Gypsy rules. It really is a conundrum.

For me, the mice represent the escape from the cruelties of the concentration camp - and that works nicely and can be woven in through the pages. I have read reports before of prisoners going into an almost comatose state; almost removing themselves from their own body and the horrors of the camp. This story is similar - and since we are dealing with children, the mice make good connections to them and the audience.

It's just that one last sequence and the outcome that troubles me.

Had to get that off my chest. Obviously, this is your story and I'm not the writer so ultimately the direction/tone/genre is all up to you!

Good luck with this. I know you are not sure if you will enter the 7WC with it, but you should definitely continue with it.

Thanks,
Stewart

Hey, Clorox, always a pleasure.

Don added shortly after the OWC began that shorts were welcome. I conceived this short while sitting around waiting for the OWC to begin. When Don posted the parameters, I just kept going with my notes, wrote it the next day.

I began I feature, but when it wasn't ready by Friday, I submitted this. Like I said, Don instructed that shorts were acceptable.

If I turn this to a feature, and I plan to, you are correct, this would be the end.

Hey Mac

That means you actually got the ending! It should be disturbing. That was the image I wanted. I had that image in my head before I wrote the first word. The idea I wanted was that there is no escaping the horrors of the holocaust. Even the survivors are forever scarred by those memories. That's the image I was looking for. I put the mouse behind a great so it would seem like prison bars. Yes, it is a sad ending.

If I went feature, I'd have to give the audience some sense of satisfaction. I think I would do two things. One is really build up an evil guard or commandant, and have Deana kill him at the end. The other is try to make Yoska's survival a triumph. If we really see him on the precipice of death for a long time, hopefully his recovery and survival will feel rewarding.

Those are my current thoughts, anyway. Thanks! I welcome any other ideas.