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I actually really enjoyed this one. As a Yank, alot of it did go over my head. What's the rivalry and such going on between Liverpool and Norwich? (Though despite not getting the actual subtlties of it, the way that the joke became a reoccuring theme really worked for me.)
Oliva's 'translated speech' really was cute. And the twist? Very nice. I could see this working...maybe not as a feature - you'd have to stretch it out just too far - but definitely an extended short.
Well, perfect script for a Sunday afternoon beer buz. Actually had to stop midway and use the loo so as I didn't piss myself.
Dug Reg's character and his ignorance towards the powerful witch in his cell. Olivia eating the rotten onion to bring her lingo down to current standards was innovative.
Why does this need to take place in the very near future? June 2012?
This is more of a short than an opening to a feature. Again, the rules of this OWC became very hazy to say the least. You basically set this up for what was a final punch line. I get it, but found the character interactions to be the prize of this script.
Characters that could be built upon IMO. Actually could see this as a kind of adult, animated film. Would be easier on all the special effects that are needed.
I can understand why other people liked this script, but the comedy's not for me. It's good at the type of comedy it's trying for and I did enjoy the last page.
Notes:
Not many because there were several missing commas and hyphens and things like that. The only real spelling error I noticed was at the bottom of page 6 where you mistook "too" for "to".
Tee hee When I read the title, I knew I was headed for comedy.
I think you absolutely succeeded in creating a funny short for this challenge. I'm not sure if there's enough here though to be "the hook" of a feature. For that I think you need a little bit more. Besides that, no real complaints. This was a very fine job.
I kinda like this. It's not going to win anything for originality but the comedy was good.
I agree with Andrew that this might not have been written by a Brit but I could be wrong too.
Not sure how much more story could be squeezed out of it, maybe a longer short but not sure it would make a feature unless the story expanded and Olivia had a hell of a time 'converting' Byron, although I guess she could change herself into a man and do the deed.
Good work.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Well I think this might be the funniest I’ll read from the lot, especially as I’ve only a few more to read. I liked the writing, not much to complain about there so good job.
This has some funny stuff in it, the fart scene(the second I’ve come across in the OWC) was great and Reg turning into a turd was pure comedy gold but does it have the legs for a feature...I have my doubts.
I wish you all the luck with it though because I for one want to see what happens with this mismatched twosome and their adventure.
P. 1 The opening line reads passive. Starting with a crisp action would be better.
P. 1 A new SLUG for the cell would help clarify things.
P. 2 Typo. Olivia bristles. He eyes blaze.
P. 3 So I guess the cops can’t hear Olivia?
P. 3 Using an underscore in the dialogue as a break looks odd to me.
P. 6 Seems weird Reg would sign on to the quest so easily... Perhaps bargaining with Olivia for freedom would be more, logical?
P. 9 The frog gag feels a little long in the tongue for my tastes.
Finished. It’s loopy and doesn’t make much sense, but its briskly paced. Though honestly, I don’t see Olivia’s need for Reg. She can get herself out and around. The back and forth would play better if Olivia needed Reg.
The big negative here for me is the abundance of exposition. The plot is all talk. And that’s a hard sell. Get visual on the page, show us some backstory.
Regards, E.D.
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This is a funny one I agree that the dialogue needs work (it felt a bit forced IMO), and I think you could spend less time with the toad PCs and get on with the story (ie Olivia and Reg).
The logline was very bland for me, kind of turned me off reading the script....
But I`m glad I did. I really enjoyed this, loved the old cockney talk... I know a lot of Americans won`t get it, you kinda have to leave there or watch a lot of Only fools and horses Needed to be more descriptive with your characters, REG only had an age. "The witchy force is strong with you, Obi-wan." LOL Page 2 He eyes... Instead of his eyes I think you should have left the cops with.. The toads sit side by side.... They are no longer needed in the script and would give you more room to concentrate on Reg and Witch
I`m guessing this is a short.
Overall I enjoyed it and good job on finishing an OWC
I thought this one was funny in places. Not a whole lot was going on though for most of it. A lot of talking in a police cell. It did end on a funny note though and thanks to that, I probably would want to know how Olivia is going to solve her problem and I also would want to know how the world will be saved by her sleeping with Byron.
Page 1. I find it a little weird that he doesn't wonder where she comes from. I know he asked her where she was from, but he doesn't seem to wonder how come she is in his cell.
Page 2. An unseen force permeates the cell. How do we see this?
Page 3. I don't like Reggie at all, but I admit that there were a couple of funny things on this page. So good job on that.
Page 4. Maybe you have to be from the UK to get the jokes about Liverpool, Norwich and Manchester.
A rank stench fills the cell... How will we see this?
Page 5. Can't say I'm crazy About the Way, Olivia speaks. However, it is pretty funny.
This is mine, which some people have suspected already.
Cornie gave me the initial idea for this and I ran with it - wrote it in 2 days!!
Then old mate Ryan read it and suggested Olivia should be a tougher bitch witch (she was all timid in the original). So I went back to it! Panicked a bit as it became a chore trying to do the Middle Ages language, which is why I iintro'ed the language spell!!
Anyway thnaks to Ryan it came out much better and funnier. I had hints of other characters that would be in it later on - this is a feature not a short - but page space made me cut some things.
Thanks to all who reviewed it! If I didn't comment on your script, let me know. I did on most but got witched out after a week. Some I read but didn't comment on.
if anyone wants to run with this and turn it into a feature, then GO FOR IT!! i don't have time and it will just fade away quietly.
This is mine, which some people have suspected already.
Cornie gave me the initial idea for this and I ran with it - wrote it in 2 days!!
Then old mate Ryan read it and suggested Olivia should be a tougher bitch witch (she was all timid in the original). So I went back to it! Panicked a bit as it became a chore trying to do the Middle Ages language, which is why I iintro'ed the language spell!!
Anyway thnaks to Ryan it came out much better and funnier. I had hints of other characters that would be in it later on - this is a feature not a short - but page space made me cut some things.
Thanks to all who reviewed it! If I didn't comment on your script, let me know. I did on most but got witched out after a week. Some I read but didn't comment on.
if anyone wants to run with this and turn it into a feature, then GO FOR IT!! i don't have time and it will just fade away quietly.
Cheers stevie
stevie, I really liked it, and I usually shut down when fecal humor comes into play. The banter in your dialog is terrific. The concept is excellent, and the joke about his friend batting from the other side of the plate has to be one of the funniest lines I've ever heard! Did you make that up on the spot, or is it a common phrase to you?