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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2012 OWC  ›  The Secret War - OWC
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  Author    The Secret War - OWC  (currently 5319 views)
MacDuff
Posted: March 21st, 2012, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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There are some issues that still need addressed:

- Some of the dialogue is a bit stilted. This is due to me trying to write from a perspective of Polish villagers speaking with German soldiers. I will tighten up.

- There were a lot of caps. I have always capitalized intro to characters (even if they are not a speaking role) and important noises. I have fixed. Thanks.

- Some of the opening scenes may feel cliched, but I believe it fits the story well and moves on to more original material. I do have to be careful though, as I don't want the story to feel 'done' or 'old'.

- Helene being given the horse and cart by the villagers felt a little wrong. I agree. Due to a re-write, this scene has shifted slightly and I feel it's more organic now.

SPOILER

- One of the biggest concerns was the Germans not being afraid of Anna's powers while in captivity. I am working on a solution to this, it's tricky without revealing some reasoning why... Coincidentally, there is no reason to fear Anna.

END SPOILER

- There are some spelling and grammar mistakes. Working on this.

- I do write in orphans. It's always been my way. I am trying to tighten up certain passages that will help smooth out the read.


Quoted from greg
Concept wise this is great.  Execution needs work.  

I'm a history buff and love studying this era, so if you choose to continue on with a feature I'd recommend reading up on the execution squads that plowed through Polish villages such as the one you opened with.  It's a pretty deep story and has offered a lot of insight into the minds of Nazi soldiers.  Ordinary Men by Christopher Browning documents them well.


Thanks Greg - I will read up on this.


I think that was it. Thanks again everyone.

I am now on Page 35 and editing as I go. The first 10 have slightly changed, some dialogue changes to setup further events, clarification on current events and some shifts in power within each scene.

The biggest challenge I am currently facing his the reasoning for the German's wanting the 'gifted one' - I'm trying to nail down the exact reasoning for it - the consequences of them achieving this goal vs the consequences of the British achieving this goal. Working on it.

Cheers,
Stewart


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leitskev
Posted: March 21st, 2012, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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I thought it was great work. An engaging first 10 pages that also did a dynamite job of setting up a feature. Some of my original criticisms can be discarded, as some of the problems I perceived were really not issues at all. I liked it a lot on my first read, loved on my second. I look forward to the rest, Mac!
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: March 21st, 2012, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Macduff

It was my first time reading your stuff. I dig the concept. I've never seen this type of script your trying to create. I just had a problem with the opening. I think Oscar and the two others should be equipped with rifles. lol. But your the writer and it's your choice. No hard feelings. If you do post this feature, I will surely be first in line to read it.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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MacDuff
Posted: March 21st, 2012, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from leitskev
I thought it was great work. An engaging first 10 pages that also did a dynamite job of setting up a feature. Some of my original criticisms can be discarded, as some of the problems I perceived were really not issues at all. I liked it a lot on my first read, loved on my second. I look forward to the rest, Mac!


Cheers. Thanks for you feedback. I'm hoping the story and pace will stay strong throughout the remaining pages!


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MacDuff
Posted: March 21st, 2012, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Hey Macduff

It was my first time reading your stuff. I dig the concept. I've never seen this type of script your trying to create. I just had a problem with the opening. I think Oscar and the two others should be equipped with rifles. lol. But your the writer and it's your choice. No hard feelings. If you do post this feature, I will surely be first in line to read it.

Gabe


Hey Gabe - no hard feelings at all!!

I appreciate all feedback and value everyone's opinions and ideas. Thanks for taking the time to comment on the script and join in in the discussion.

I'm hoping the remaining pages have the same amount of responses - it's a great way to make sure you have covered everything and not overlooked anything!

Cheers,
Stewart


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Grandma Bear
Posted: March 23rd, 2012, 10:41am Report to Moderator
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I missed this one during the OWC.

Interesting that there were two WWII stories in this OWC. I liked this one a lot and the other one as well.

This one was obviously not a short, but a very intriguing first ten pages of something much longer.

My only confusion with this was Helene and Anna. Are they related? And at first, I wasn't sure about Oskar spitting on Heiss shoe. Seems a bit too cocky when you're standing in front of a bunch of military vehicles and soldiers. And I thought it was odd that the butcher was wearing his apron at night...

Not much else to add that hasn't been mentioned earlier.

Anyway, great set-up for a feature.  


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MacDuff
Posted: March 23rd, 2012, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
I missed this one during the OWC.

Interesting that there were two WWII stories in this OWC. I liked this one a lot and the other one as well.

This one was obviously not a short, but a very intriguing first ten pages of something much longer.

My only confusion with this was Helene and Anna. Are they related? And at first, I wasn't sure about Oskar spitting on Heiss shoe. Seems a bit too cocky when you're standing in front of a bunch of military vehicles and soldiers. And I thought it was odd that the butcher was wearing his apron at night...

Not much else to add that hasn't been mentioned earlier.

Anyway, great set-up for a feature.  


Thanks for the read, Pia.

The connection between Helene and Anna is revealed in the next set of pages. Thanks for the heads up on the apron description, I think I'll remove it. Just wanted to show that people were rounded up quickly... but I don't think it's needed.

Yes, there has been some discussion on whether or no Oscar should spit at the shoes of Heiss... I'm going to keep it in there for the moment.

Thanks again.

The rewrite is in progress and the rest of the story/script is taking shape.

Stewart


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