Pagan Man by Bill Sarre (reef dreamer) - Short - When the terms of an inheritance force a cash strapped womaniser to join a female Pagan commune - or lose the money - little does he know it was stolen from them, and their leader wants it back. - pdf, format

Interesting setup.

Gus is our clear protagonist. Anti-hero type of character. Definitely has a 'charm' around him.

I suspect Joy will become an integral part of the story. From what I can tell, we are looking at some sort of life redemption story.

You've setup the story nicely - clear goal for Gus. The writing is clear with some nice descriptions. Format is fine - there is some minor spelling mistakes - but no major issues.

Noticed the last scene may be cut off?

Good start - Youve balanced Gus well. He's got his issues but not enough to turn off the reader who will be invested in his journey.

Good job.

I plan to read and review all the scripts so I start with this one:

Yeah, nice premise going. But I think the writer needs to decide exactly what genre to go with. This opening ten is a mixed bag. I personally see this working as a pure comedy but then I see every-fucking-thing like that...

The writing is pretty good, nice descriptions. Cool sex scene there, though a misspelling of 'riff' made me giggle. 'Rift' had me thinking the bird had an extra pussy...

Real possibilities for this to turn into a decent feature

Cheers stevie

I suspect this is a good writer, maybe a real veteran writer. So I hope these remarks can be taken in stride and used to improve the work. Here goes.

Normally, when I give up on a story, it's on the first or second page. If you get through those, you should be able to push through to the end. I'm really sorry, I couldn't get to the end. Strangely, I stopped with one page to go. I feel real bad about that. But that doesn't compensate for the tension I feel from frustration.

Around page 6, this thing was dragging. I mean, by page 6, there should be some sense of what is going on. Anything. I had no idea what the genre of this was or where it was going. I pushed on to page 8, and the VOs were driving me crazy. And I have no problem with VO as a rule. But again, I felt like I was in the middle of a lake not knowing where to swim. No idea where to look, where this was heading. Nothing to grab onto.

By page 9, I threw in the towel. I didn't care what happened on page 10, and I was angry that I had been dragged this far without any clue of what's going on.

If the writer has stopped reading my review, I don't blame them. But there are good things here. First, there is some fine writing. The opening image gave me the impression I was in for a real treat. If I had stopped at page 1, I might have voted this OWC winner.

Also, Gus is well drawn as a character. He's likable, vulnerable, and he needs something. So giving him a strong goal will be easy.

I think I could have just kept following if we stayed on Gus. But we kept switching to the commune, and combining with VOs from the two locations. Obviously the writer was building a connection between these things, but at a point it just became distracting and annoying.

I am pretty sure this is probably one of the better writers here, maybe experimenting. I've probably made an enemy with my review. I feel bad about that. But this experiment is not working. The commune stuff is meant to intrigue, but it's becoming more of a distraction.

I suggest open with a slightly longer commune scene to give us a clue of genre and tone. Then leave it while the Gus story develops. Don't come back to it until at least after the inciting incident. Gus is a really cool character, let's follow him around for a while, become completely absorbed in his life. Then go back to the commune in a way that tantalizes us.

note: should there be a LATER when Gus tiptoes out of the bedroom? One minute he's banging, next minute he's dressed and leaving.

Again, sorry, maybe I'll come back to this later.

Enjoyed this one very much.  The writing was good and flowed well.  The last scene ends abruptly but I guess it's because you hit your 10 pages and had planned to go back and edit down?  Or maybe in context with the whole script it wouldn't seem so abrupt (ie, the next scene delves into this revelation further).

As mentioned before there's a clear set up and the premise is apparent.  We get a good idea of who Gus is and what his needs are.  The only thing is that you may want to watch and clean up your slang to be less British.   (I mean, unless Gus and co are supposed to be British Expats we don't really use "arse" this side of the pond unironically, that I've observed).  Also, is Mikey supposed to be Faith's son?  If so, is the age difference intentional?

But this is a great start and I like your writing so I'd definitely keep an eye out for this one if you chose to expand it.

Congratulations on finishing!
:Duan

I like this one! I think it's a nice set up and it has me intrigued and I would like to know what happens next. I very much enjoyed the writing both technical and story wise. Gus, is not a very likable guy, I can easily see what he has to overcome. I also like the conflict of Gus and Faith's mother being the one that stole the money.

My only gripe about this script, is that you have it set in the US. Some of your writing and your word choices, suggest that you're not from here. Therefore, it makes the story feel a little bit unauthentic.

Other than that, I really enjoyed it. Good luck with it.  

Page 1. When I 1st read ” wild beaver commune”, I thought this was going to be about wild beavers…. We'll see what happens!

I've only read half of the 1st page so far, but I like the writing right away.

I would suggest however, that you add an extra line between the slug lines.

Nice work with the visuals and the voiceover.

Not sure what pavement cash point is...

Page 2. Gus nods to a few regulars, winks at the passing waitress - she looks back smiling - and sits at the bar. When I read that, I took it as the waitress sat down at the bar. Perhaps rework that sentence a little. I understand it, it just red odd to me. Had to do a double take.

Dialogue reads pretty well so far.

Page 3. Scantily glad girls? You probably meant clad.

I'm only on page 3, but I like your writing style.

Page 5. I am not a huge fan of asides. However, at the top of this page you make a perfect example of when it works.

Tiny typo, it should read they rather than the.

Also think you could write beam instead of beaming.

He sits up and has a coughing fit. I think you can skip the word and. Also, why is coughing in capital letters?

Page 7. Nice transition to the wild beaver commune. Again, nice voiceover with the visuals.

I thought this wasn't bad.  

The logline tells me enough about the story.  It's a well written logline actually.  I appreciate that.  I'm going to be picking what I read next by the loglines.

You tell us lots about the main characters on the first page.  Hopefully the tantric sex signal you're sending on the first page continues throughout the rest of the script.  However, I'm really not certain that the logline clued me in on erotic thriller.

I think you cover a lot of ground in your first ten pages.  Your VO technique is good.  The dialogue is pretty good. And the actions are not overwritten.  

It seems to me you are British and writing a script set in the States thereby hoping to market it in the states.  Therefore, I would avoid the Britishisms.

The main issue I have with this script is that I'm confused by the genre.  First there's some comedy like Wild Beaver Commune.   Then there's some implications that it might be an erotic thriller and that's just the first page.  Add to that the logline which pretty much indicates a supernatural thriller and you have genre soup.  I also noticed implications that it might be a romatic comedy with that clever VO over Joy.  So I'm confused.

I was going to suggest you start this film with Molly's death.  However, since I'm really unclear where this is headed after reading the first ten pages, I can't make that suggestion.  

Good work but I think you should make the genre clearer.  

  

Well, I agree this is from a good writer, and I actually really liked it...until it started falling apart and seemed to turn on a dime once Gus gets to his sis's place.  The writing also fell apart, and it's too bad because it was pretty damn good up until then.

There are mistakes here and there but there's definitely a solid voice from a good writer working, who knows what he or she is doing.

IMO, the "whatever the fuck they're called V.O.'s" that aren't actually in the scene are a problem and a WTF moment each time they raise their ugly head.  No reason for them at all, IMO.

On Page 8, all of a sudden, Horace is in the scene and that's a mistake.  This whole scene just doesn't play out well and feels very rushed and out of place.

Also, I'd say there's just to much jumping around going on that comes off confusing and...well, out of place, again, with the back and forth from Manhattan to the Wild Beaver.

The intro is great, but it needs to focus soon after.

But, I will say again, that this is a solid beginning effort from a good writer, who probably really rushed this.  It can work and shows some talent and stands well above most of what I've read so far.

Very good effort for 1 week.  Clean it up and fix those mistakes and let';s see where we're going to go here.

Didn't feel much for this one as I really couldn't get into it.  Kinda felt the characters, didn't really get too much of a hook other than the opening sex scene, and in general just didn't get too much into this read.  

Was this comedy?  Horror?  Thriller?

Sorry I can't be more helpful, but if this was part of a feature then the first 10 pages honestly didn't hook me.

I promised myself I'd come back and take another look since I was fairly harsh. Sometimes even a good script can hit you the wrong way at a certain point in time.

I really can't say that I've changed my opinion. I see evidence of some very good writing. The first page especially, but in plenty of spots. I believe it's the script technique employed that is really sinking this for me.

Let's begin with the VOs.

On page 8, we have a VO at the end of a scene, which is supposed to be kind of a melding into the next scene. I've seen this kind of thing in films recently, and I think that's where the writer has adopted the idea from. I think it's generally a bad choice in these films, but it's a really bad choice for spec scripts. The last thing you want to do is insert unnecessary confusion when you're trying to sell a story.

When Gus goes "What the F" in his VO, is this because he has some kind of vision from the commune? Or is it just some melding technique? I don't know the answer to that, and it causes unnecessary frustration. If my patience has already been tested as a reader earlier for any reason, I'm out. Or if it's about to be tested, there is now no wiggle room. You don't want to do that.

The other VOs were not as much an issue. At least the first one I could live with. The second batch I think was inadvisable, but it didn't bother me. But this one on page 8, combined with the Horace insert, and the switching back and forth between the commune and Gus, left me disoriented. Or is it disorientated?

So I stand by my advice that this is easily fixable. After an opening at the commune to give us a sense of genre, and to let that intrigue hang in the background, stay focused on Gus for at least 10 pages. Let us really connect with his journey. And keep that journey interesting. It starts to become mundane in the Faith scenes. I'm not saying lose Faith, but make those scenes interesting somehow, and make them short. Very short.

We want to follow Gus, and we want it to be an interesting adventure, all the way, every scene. He's a struggling, likable rogue. He should be fun to hang with, someone that gets into all kinds of shyte.

i have to agree with Dreamscale and leitskev here. i found the voice overs and the bouncing between locations a bit disorienting... especially in the last few pages....and at faiths house. i see a bit of a collision course between Joy and Gus... and as others have said Gus is a well drawn character....but i think with some cleaning up...and a more "focused" narrative on Gus's life this can be really good.

cheers
chris

The writings pretty top notch here, think this is from one of the more experienced members on SS.

We had the common typo which seems to have become a tradition of every script I’ve read so far but hardly surprising given the time people had to come up with an idea and get it down on paper.

I really enjoyed your protag, Gus. You’ve done a good job of setting him up but like others have to agree that we didn’t see enough of him in the first 10 pages, something to think about.

This was a good, not perfect opening 10 pages and looks to have the legs to continue so I hope you go for it.

BTW, really liked the logline.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve

Title - simple, effective, gives a few images of what this person could be like, where they may go

Logline - more descriptive than most, an idea of the story

Story - A sex scene to open, bingo. Ands whats wrong with Bushy! My type of humour.

Yeah, i can see too many of the overlapping VO. I agree, they interweave the two different locations so that we get a tension between them, but maybe the last two could go. Point made by then. Horace could do with a trim, not sure what his reveal of the aunt adds, but obviously you need to set up the Inciting incident to fire up the journey and this appears to come from the inheritance.

protag set up well so we see a flawed character and a journey ahead, yet not fully explained as that comes next no doubt.

I would be interested to see what follows.

A good log line.

The sex scene on the 1st page was waaay too long... Not realistic

WILD BEAVER - WICCA COMMUNE:  LOL

The script was enjoyable for me and was written very well.

Good job on the OWC.

Mark

Quoted from irish eyes The sex scene on the 1st page was waaay too long... Not realistic

Huh?  It was actually very short - less than half a page, and it would play out even shorter, as it's filled with V.O. which takes up lines, based on how it's written.

IMO, this is a very well written sex scene.