Hey, Bill

Sorry if I seemed harsh here. I think all of the problems I brought up are easily fixed. It was more a technique issue which made it feel like the story was wandering without giving us a sense of where it was going to wander. But most seemed to be not bothered by that, so it could be just me.

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley Everyone seems to like this or love this. Why? Because of a bold sex scene? Effective? Yes. Gets attention fast. Does it go anywhere? No. But you get applauded for it. Shessh. They let an unfilmable slide (p5) Most other folks would get thier knuckles smacked for that. Seems you got away with it. (least until I showed up) Faith and Joy are two characters names. How cute. A mix of UK and American spelling. I don't mind either one, so long as it's consistant. A few grammar errors too- and the masses love this. Hokey Doke. To each his own. No, I didn't like it. Sorry.

Wow. Seems like something I would post. If I were pissed at the writer. Except, mine would make a tad of sense.

Dunno what you did to piss off DJS, Bill. Maybe you should send him some flowers.

James

Quoted from jwent6688 Wow. Seems like something I would post. If I were pissed at the writer. Except, mine would make a tad of sense. Dunno what you did to piss off DJS, Bill. Maybe you should send him some flowers.

  Damn, I was thinking exaclty the same thing when I read DJS' comments.

Well put, Cleveland.  That's funny.

Let's keep it on topic, guys.

Another one I read before my computer crash.

The sex scene didnt bother me (they usually dont lol)

Interesting set up. I really didnt have a problem with the back and forth.

I could see this made into a feature, but in what direction I,m not sure

Good job

HGW

Over all, I liked it.  

The crossing of the sex scene with the Wiccan ritual felt to me as though Gus was getting sex through the power of the ritual.  They seemed linked that way.  Not sure if that was intended.

The voice overs, overlapping as they do to provide 'bridges' between the scenes make it seem as though the story is very linear, each scene happening in real time 'in a row', so to speak.

The scenes with Gus and the club and so forth were very 'empty', but I took that as symbolic of Gus himself.  His life, no matter how 'busy' had no content that was worth anything.  I did like the way his veneer cracked in front of his sister when presented with the details of the inheritance.  That was well done.

One thing that did not work for me was a big sign pronouncing a Wiccan commune.  Devout though they are to mother Earth and whatnot, I doubt Wiccans are so totally acceptable as to advertise their presence like that.  Commune they may have, but they'd be risking some open and possibly dangerous ridicule from 'non-believers'.

Just wanted to say thanks to those who read and reviewed (macduff, stevie, kevin, duan, pia, michael, jeff, greg, penoyer79, coop, irish, sandra, janet, sicoll, ryan, james, brett, renew, felipe, VM, gabe, abe and DJS)

If you don't mind i will answer generic questions rather than specific posts;

Comedy?

Yes, it is. I have this aim of making this into a Dark Rom Com, but now that i am focusing more closely we will see where this goes.

I wanted this to get across in the first scene but i don't think this worked for most readers. The conflict between a witch praising the moon as a pair of buttocks fills the screen was hopefully an indicator, but it needs work.

My aim is to start out with a drama, so there is a real story within, and then layer the comedy onto this. Time will tell.

Opening scene and Sex scene

I am really taken with the powerful opening scene which sets the theme. This was my effort.

Here we have two very different worlds, clearly in conflict, that the over layering suggests will collide. i open with the Commune as this is where most will take place and the real journey occurs, but switch to Gus in action to reinforce the difference and hence the journey that is required.

I'm glad the sex scene wasn't a car crash as it was my first time!! I didn't see it quite as explicit as others, but on reflection the way its written is more suggestive than i intended. Films have sex scenes cut in many ways, i envisaged this as mild, discreet.

Interlaced V.O

in the UK we have a product called Marmite, which is advertised as either you love it or hate it - nothing in between. This seemed to divide reviewers in the same way. I over used this technique and it wasn't required for the last elements but i liked it for two of the scenes. I doubt it would be used much after setting up the situations and characters.

Cutting between scenes

Too much of this. Whilst it is good to reveal the commune, the core at the beginning is Gus, so i should spend more time there.

Exposition

Guilty as charged.

I can cut some and look at subtle ways for others but i do have an issue since Gus needs to be forced to do this and at present this is by way of meeting a lawyer. I thought if i wrapped this into a scene of conflict the exposition is diluted, as other films have used, but will consider how this is played out.

Think thats enough on this one, time to consider it for the 7WC.

This one had a glimmer of something really good but it never seemed to get there. Honestly, I think the dialogue was holding it back. It seemed to be a bit rigid but the story the dialogue went with was perfectly fine. You had some small grammatical things (a couple times you ended a sentence with a period instead of a question mark) but nothing overly troubling.

Sorry, just spotted three more replies.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde This one had a glimmer of something really good but it never seemed to get there. Honestly, I think the dialogue was holding it back. It seemed to be a bit rigid but the story the dialogue went with was perfectly fine.

Thanks Mr Blonde, sorry don't know your real name, maybe its blonde! Glad you liked it and i agree i have things to work on. I will have a look at the dialogue but you are right that the key aim for the first part was to illustrate Gus through his life, how he reacts, things that pass him by.

Quoted from steven8 Over all, I liked it.   The crossing of the sex scene with the Wiccan ritual felt to me as though Gus was getting sex through the power of the ritual.  They seemed linked that way.  Not sure if that was intended.

Thanks Steven. I hadn't thought of an energy connection in terms of cause and effect, although i see how you read this, more of a clash of worlds illustared by the the overlapping nature.

It is easy to say something is different but we place the wrong words in somebody's mouth the difference really jumps out. Like a child's voice through an adults mouth.

However, this script is to have a spiritual tone, theme, so the blending of images only helps.

Quoted from Hugh Hoyland The sex scene didnt bother me (they usually dont lol) Interesting set up. I really didnt have a problem with the back and forth. I could see this made into a feature, but in what direction I,m not sure Good job HGW

Thanks for that. Yeah, the cutting backwards and forth did bother some so i have to be mindful of this, i'm just glad it wasn't universal.

The direction i am taking, for good or bad, is a Romantic Comedy but with a darker psychological  edge - well for the meantime, heaven knows what the end product will be.

all the best

Quoted from Reef Dreamer The direction i am taking, for good or bad, is a Romantic Comedy but with a darker psychological  edge - well for the meantime, heaven knows what the end product will be. all the best

I think it's excellent if you take the Rom Com route. I can feel it in my bones.

More than anything, I'm thinking of the, "Be careful what you wish for..." scenario.

It makes perfect sense that a guy gets completely bored with a ho-hum life. Everything is ho-hum right down to the sex and when that goes down the tube, you're better off dead rather than on Simplyscripts reading about things second, third and fourth hand and they're not even that-- they're bloody out FICTION!    

I think Pagan Man's gotta have a real strong motivation in Pagan man, the feature. Something he really wishes for...

And yes, he gets it. The question might be: How does he "get OUT of it"?

Meat for you cauldron.

Sandra

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I think it's excellent if you take the Rom Com route. I can feel it in my bones. More than anything, I'm thinking of the, "Be careful what you wish for..." scenario. It makes perfect sense that a guy gets completely bored with a ho-hum life. Everything is ho-hum right down to the sex and when that goes down the tube, you're better off dead rather than on Simplyscripts reading about things second, third and fourth hand and they're not even that-- they're bloody out FICTION!     I think Pagan Man's gotta have a real strong motivation in Pagan man, the feature. Something he really wishes for... And yes, he gets it. The question might be: How does he "get OUT of it"? Meat for you cauldron. Sandra

Thanks for that Sandra and your continued support. It is most uplifting to see someone understand and support your creation.

My intention is for Gus to be a complicated character with a dark history that needs to be resolved. Yes, there will be a happy outcome but I am very keen for a realistic take on this despite the circumstances.

If anything I am starting off with a road trip drama and then lightening it with humour. Hopefully if I set up the circumstances well enough the scenes and characters can be slotted in.

Once again, thanks.

Wow.

You have some stuff going on here.

What a set up.

I really like how you set up Gus. Very good writing; the little nuances that make Gus who he is right now. The beauty of that is that he can change and you can show it.

The conflict, obviously, will be over the money.

What I might not see, and might need to see, is the power, if any, of Gus' opposing force. If I see that they can do some real hocus pocus, then what Gus is up against becomes even more profound, not just cheesey chanting.

Good job.

I think the voiceovers will play out a lot better on screen than people think.  The voiceovers'll especially bring out the comedy more, as I thought it was funny how Faith was talking about someone classy while we were seeing Joy's flaws.  (I'm guessing you're doing a little bit of foreshadowing there, also, for things to come.)

I think this can turn out to be a very entertaining feature.  It's definately a good set up and one that hasn't been done to death yet, so the idea seems fairly original.  (At least that I know of.  I'm not a movie officianado or anything.)

I think the biggest problem I see right now is some of the dialogue, especially with the Wiccans.  Their dialogue was way way too cheesy, even if you want to make this an all out comedy.  I think they need to talk a little bit more regular to completely buy into them.  I understand that their talk needs to be out there because of their extraordinary views, but a lot of it is coming off as stale and forced, just to get the story rolling.

But I do think you have the beginning of a pretty good setup for a comedy, which I think is the tone this piece is trying to be.  I can see you're trying to take it seriously, but it's making it come off a little mixed and off balance.  A lighthearted approach might make the story pop all that much more, and I think you might find that there's a pretty big market for a story like this.

Good job and an excellent idea.

Hey Mark,

Many thanks for the read (i will comment separately on Falling Angels, but you are racking up credits, thats for sure)

Quoted from rc1107 I think the biggest problem I see right now is some of the dialogue, especially with the Wiccans.  Their dialogue was way way too cheesy, even if you want to make this an all out comedy.  I think they need to talk a little bit more regular to completely buy into them.  I understand that their talk needs to be out there because of their extraordinary views, but a lot of it is coming off as stale and forced, just to get the story rolling. A lighthearted approach might make the story pop all that much more, and I think you might find that there's a pretty big market for a story like this. Good job and an excellent idea.

Dialogue - yeah, i agree. There us a subtle difference between lighthearted and cliched that needs to be achieved. My intention is to make them a touch more earthy, the quirks coming from their life, rather than their words. The oWC has been good for making think about this.

Light-hearted - i'm torn on this. I feel so many rom coms are so shallow they loose people, meaning etc. I would rather be hard drama that doesn't quite pack the humour than the other way round. Hopefully, i will get the balance right.

I have issues such as suicide to deal with in my game plan, time will tell whether i can stitch it all together.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Sorry Clorox, almost missed you (is that your real name?)

Quoted from cloroxmartini Wow. You have some stuff going on here. What a set up. I really like how you set up Gus. Very good writing; the little nuances that make Gus who he is right now. The beauty of that is that he can change and you can show it. The conflict, obviously, will be over the money. What I might not see, and might need to see, is the power, if any, of Gus' opposing force. If I see that they can do some real hocus pocus, then what Gus is up against becomes even more profound, not just cheesey chanting. Good job.

I am touched by your kind words and appreciate your thoughts.

I just hope i can deliver the feature to the standard everyone thinks it can reach.

You raise a good question on the witches power. At present i don't intend to bring in the supernatural, other than a coincidence which evokes debate, but otherwise this is to be grounded in reality. Fingers crossed.

cheers

bill