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Madame Laveau by Rebekah Hay (rdhay) - Short - In a city with a rich history of black magic, the daughter of a Voodoo queen must acknowledge her power and destiny to save the man she loves. 11pages - pdf, format
End of page 4, you write an unfilmable but I'll let that pass because it looks as if you know what you're doing.
Great job for pulling these little jokes off in an otherwise dark script.
In the logline, you suggest that Paris needs to save the man she loves? Would she really still love him if he just barged out the door basically hinting that he doesn't want anything to do with her? Just a thought though.
You've built a little universe here and IMO it's perfect. I'd really like to see where you take this.
Paris has a nice goal by the end but it seems like she doesn't really care? Would she? I don't know, something to keep in mind.
Not bad...not bad at all. Actually, rather intriguing and that's a very good thing.
The writing here is OK, but IMO, you took way too many pages to get to where we are. I'd say you can easily clean this up and show the exact same stuff in 7 or 8 pages - and I think that's rather important. Getting rid of all the orphans will sure help.
What's with "NEW ORLEANS" being in every single Slug except for 1? Your Slugs all need attention. It's a first draft, though, I know. Easily fixable.
On Page 10, who's Johnny? Did I miss something?
Overall, much more than a good effort, as this actually has the feel of a real feature that could have legs. You've already created some strong characters, and that's impressive in such a short time.
Great job. Fix it up, clean up the writing and let's see where this story goes.
Page 1. Paris, reminds me a little bit too much of Paris Hilton.
Money lives here. And hires a regular maid. Not sure what that means.
I also think that if you are going to describe somebody as biracial, you need to include what races. Black and Mexican? White and Asian? Know what I mean?
Page 10. Who is Johnny?
This wasn't bad at all, but I wasn't exactly bowled over either. I didn't get the mansion part in the beginning. Is that Collin's house? Is that to establish that he and Paris come from 2 different worlds?
Seems like everyone in this script knows something about Laveau. Everyone but me, who was left wondering why Collin took off and what was going on. I also did not understand what happened to him. Did Paris' mother put a spell on him or something? If so, why? What did he do to her?
Not sure what to say about the title. If this feature has Paris as our main character then maybe the title should be something different instead of being named after her mother. Unless Paris becomes a madam along the way somewhere.
Would I read on after these 1st 10 pages? Probably. So I guess you succeeded. Good luck.
The script is good too. I enjoyed the read. Amusing. I'm not entirely certain you could come up with a feature based on this but if you have a good second act ready then it's an excellent start.
I'm not sure why you placed that last super on the page. And who is Johnny?
Also, you'll probably not agree but i think you should start this script with Collin meeting Madame Laveau because that's really where this story starts.
Good work, however. The best I've read so far and I look forward to reading the rest.
Another good piece of writing on display here although I think the slugs could do with some work and there was some telling going on in Thomas’s description IMO.
On the whole I liked this but was left confused by the end about who Paris and her family are? Paris also didn’t seem too concerned about Collin? Hopefully these sorts of questions will be answered later on if you decide to carry this on? Have to ask about the mansion at the beginning, why was they there? Whose mansion was it?
An intriguing story which makes me want to read the next 10 pages to see where it’s going. Well done.
Title - initially doesn't mean anything but the "Madame" element does give a flavour, so OK, for the title
Logline - Not bad, gives us quite a good steer and conflict that will arise and what she needs to overcome, pretty good.
Story - i think you set the pro tag up nicely, we have a good fell for her by the 10th page. Sometimes the writing felt a little clever but it is good and crisp and moves along nicely.
I wasn't wholly sure about the infamous nature of the madame. This seemed a little forced, a bit too much. i think it would have been nice to have Colin not be aware, try to like her but whatever he sees it very appealing and he feels he has to leave. We can therefore have the foreshadowing from the reactions outside.
At present he runs away because of who she is. We don't see any of this power, so the force is reduced. Maybe she could mind read, explain something about him - a disturbing fact - which combines with the moment, maybe a raging headache comes on, forcing him to leave. I don't know, but more tension than discovering a name.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Is Paris going to assume the title of Madame Laveau?
Style took a couple of pages to warm up to. Tripped over a couple of things. --Biracial beauty. (Did you mean Creole?) --And hires a regular maid. --Every slug with NEW ORLEANS TOWNHOUSE or MANSION needs a dash inserted NEW ORLEANS – TOWNHOUSE.
Johnny is the policeman’s name she uses in an effort to get his attention. I think.
Not sure what to make of this. I love New Orleans stories. I like the witch you chose. Nice to see something different from Tabitha or some other teen witch. Those are getting old.
Oh, wait! We still have a teen witch. Well, she is different, so she gets an ok here.
The story itself needs a lot of tightening. Maybe I'll get a better idea how to help after another ten pages. Hopefully the writer is up to keep going.
We spend a lot of time with Collin, but I don't know if he is important to the story? And just how important is he to Paris? The reason I ask is because he doesn't really provide enough clues to what is going on. He knows something about the Laveau family, but doesn't help fill the gaps. Instead, he runs away. I was frustrated with his dialogue: He doesn't probe. Doesn't try very hard to get answers to all of the mystery. I'm still confused as to what Paris' intentions are. She seemed interested in Collin, but she doesn't really prepare him for what's coming. Initially she didn't want him to meet her family, and then she brings him home and just says "don't freak out" and "don't run away." Maybe Collin's reactions should have been: "Relax, it's not like I'm being cursed by Madame Laveau."
Finally, I would love to have seen what happened to Collin. Up to page 10 there has been a lot of talk, a lot of mystery, and hints at something frightening. Nothing visual, however. When the policeman comes knocking to question Paris about Collin, how about cutting to Collin's condition. Show, don' tell us about Collin. If he's possessed, let us glimpse the horror. This will give us a clue into the Laveau family. And will have us hooked to read on. This has very good feature possibilities.
Your writing is fine, but the pace seems slow. Trim some of the excess.
Want to add two things: A bit more description, please. What does a voodoo queen look like? We didn't get any physical description of Madame Laveau, other than frail. Also, we need some details of the French Quarters to get some flavor of the city.
And what is so bad about marrying into Laveau family? Rusty is described as a "grimy white guy," who kicks back and is watching TV when we meet him. I mean, this guy is my neighbor. Pathetic, yes. Cursed? I'm not seeing it.
Congrats on getting something submitted to the OWC.
P. 1 Typo. Up to this point the read was pretty fluid... Paris smile falls and she leaves the room.
P. 6 The flow was pretty decent at the start... But I feel like now the script’s playing footsie with the reveal. Perhaps I’d feel less railroaded with more character development. Feels to me there isn’t enough on the page yet to compensate.
P. 7 I couldn’t follow the dialogue here. At times Collin seemed in the know, others completely clueless.
P. 9 Man, it’s hotter than a witch’s - I thought that old saying was actually the opposite temperature.
P. 10 Who the heck is Johnny? Where did he come from?
I didn’t care for the expository data delivered by the cop. All that exciting possession business should be on the page. Movies are visual... so get more visual with your pages. Yes, it’s harder to write... but tends to grab readers more.
Regards, E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
I'm sorry, but I'm not going to pretend I liked this. I even have the suspicion that it's an inside joke. My apologies to the writer ahead of time if this is not the case. Please take the critique as honest and in no way meant to be harsh.
Let's begin with the opening:
>Live oaks loom
Live as opposed to dead? Live seems like a bad word choice.
>Money lives here. And hires a regular maid.
This is unessecary because the slugline tells us we're in a mansion and that pretty much tells the story. Even if we had "poor people" in a desolate haunted mansion, that would unfold through the story itself.
Terrible character description
>PARIS (20), a biracial beauty,
I'm also biracial, but I look pretty standard European and me saying standard European sounds silly because it doesn't tell anyone anything, but the point is:
We need to ask: Does it matter to the story that she's biracial? What kind of biracial? It just sounds tacky to me.
This dialogue:
COLLIN It’s not coming down.
PARIS It will.
COLLIN I’m almost done.
PARIS It’ll fall.
Is poor in my opinion. Collin says, "I'm almost done". Immediately after saying, "It's not coming down."
How is it that one minute he makes a remark that sounds like he's having extreme difficulty and the next second he says, "I'm almost done."?
And Paris says, "It will". Which means it will fall. And then she says it again. "It'll fall."
This is all a waste of space.
Here:
>He frowns, bites at his fingernails.
Feels to me like writing in a vacuume for the sake of giving the actor something to do. I think with really solid writing, the actor will KNOW what to do and the standard fare: He smiles. He frowns. He grins Etc... can be pared down.
On page 2 try reading this again:
COLLIN Paris, why are we here?
****This is what I wanna know. But what comes is even more strange and even DUMBFOUNDING:
She appears in the doorway with a hopeful expression and a half-eaten slice of bread.
*** What is she hopeful about? There's supposed to be MONEY and a MAID and she's eating a slice of bread?! How could that be?
***Then she says:
>PARIS We can go out again if you want.
***He says:
>COLLIN You live in the Quarter.
***Why is he asking that? They apparently go there (as dialogue says below) on a regular basis and they don't know basic information about eachother?
***So Paris answers:
>PARIS (tentative) Yes...
***And Colin says what they both know.
>COLLIN The bars that we go to are in The Quarter.
***At which time:
>Paris stares a blank look.
***which ***is ***really ***weak ***writing
***We all do this when we're writing drafts, but we need to be careful.
***Now when Collin says:
>COLLIN I want to see your place.
***My first question is:
Aren't they at HER place? She went and helped herself to a slice of bread. And who was clinking dishes in the background? I guess the maid, who was too busy to fetch her anything more. And I don't know, but if they were out and she was in her sequined dress, they must have had supper out, so there again it doesn't make sense.
Then this whole string of dialogue:
>PARIS I live with my family.
He looks at her pointedly.
PARIS You’re not meeting them.
COLLIN Well not right now, but -
PARIS Not ever.
Collin stands and walks towards her, toys with a strand of her hair.
He grins.
PARIS It’s not gonna happen.
***It leads me nowhere. And this is the second page.
If I were reading a lot of scripts and getting paid to do so. This script would be in the slush.
From page 2 we go to the streets of the French Quarter where they meet a policeman and we get more silly black business:
>Paris sighs and leads Collin past a corner store.
***I don't know why she's sighing.
And more yada-yada:
>PARIS Just promise me something. (off his look) Don’t freak out, okay? I mean, don’t run away.
He chuckles.
***When Collin says,
>COLLIN It’s never that bad.
I think, "Yes, it really is."
He kisses her forehead and walks on as Paris looks after him.
PARIS (mumbling) You didn’t promise.
***Don't run away from what?
***I'm just going to page 6:
The door flies open and a cackle enters around them.
***To which Paris says
>Paris Never mind.
She tugs into him.
***Who knows what
>tugs into him
means, but what I really want to know is why, after that loud cackle there is no reaction from Colin.
There is so much wrong with this script, I almost can't believe it.
Sorry and many apologies. This is an awful game we play sometimes.
I'm sorry, but I'm not going to pretend I liked this. I even have the suspicion that it's an inside joke. My apologies to the writer ahead of time if this is not the case. Please take the critique as honest and in no way meant to be harsh.
There is so much wrong with this script, I almost can't believe it.
Sorry and many apologies. This is an awful game we play sometimes.
Damn, Sandra...and peeps accuse me of being overly harsh and picky.
Sure, there is lots wrong here, but compared to the majority of these OWC's or even the majority of all posted scripts, this ain't bad at all. Every script has a different feel and vibe and this one seems to have some legs to stand on story-wise, IMO. Few actually do when it comes right down to it.
Damn, Sandra...and peeps accuse me of being overly harsh and picky.
Sure, there is lots wrong here, but compared to the majority of these OWC's or even the majority of all posted scripts, this ain't bad at all. Every script has a different feel and vibe and this one seems to have some legs to stand on story-wise, IMO. Few actually do when it comes right down to it.
Well, I'm trying to learn and I respect your opinion; so all is well there, but I just don't see it in this script at all. The possibility of having a lovely scene with him unraveling her hair is ruined by a strange bare excess. It sounds strange, but that's the only way to say it. And "he bites his fingernails" makes me want to throw the computer at the wall. I'm not feeling it, at all. It's not the words; it's something behind them.
I will say I like the title: Madam Laveau has that well, Madamesque feel to it, but the script doesn't deliver that. Madam is buried... even under Rusty she's buried.
As far as the story's beginning, I'd rather have:
We see Madam Laveau bearing down as she pushes the lovely little Paris child into the world on the crowded streets of New Orleans.
At least we'd see Madam the Voodoo queen right off the start and it would be "somewhere". I don't know whose mansion that is anyway.
I LOVED this script - until page ten. It's obviously written by someone with significant writing skills, with lines like "Money lives here. And hires a regular maid." Nice, smooth work. Interesting characters and scenario, too.
But for me, the story fell apart immediately after Collin bolted. I don't fully understand what was fated to happen - was Paris going to become her mother when Laveau died? And who/what has possessed Collin?
Since it's meant as part of a feature length, it's possible that future pages will clear this up, and make page 10 gell. But otherwise - please retool and give the first 9 pages the finish it deserves!
I see Sandra didn't like this one and I have to agree that some of the dialogue wasn't great, it didn't move the story along and in honest could have been cut out entirely.
The story was okay though and set up the further 80 odd pages. I think the first 10 could be cut too as very little happened other than Collin meeting Paris' parents and doing a runner.
I did find some of the characters actions strange. Paris seems dead set against Collin meeting her parents but seconds later they're on their way. They go into Paris's bedroom for no reason ans immediately leave and Collin never really finds out what it's all about before he leaves.
This did finish leaving me wanting to know more, which is always a good thing. First 10 pages need tightening before more is added.
Not a bad effort.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
I think this one's alright, although I'll agree with the other comments that Colin's reaction seems a bit off. I think the story could be developed more/better in the beginning and that would help a lot.
I enjoyed this entry, infact, it left me wondering what is going to happen next - which is a great thing.
Story-wise, I thought it flowed nicely and I did not have any major issues, unlike some of the reviewers before me.
I didn't mind finishing the first 10 pages with the title - but to do that (with the title as a character's name), I expected a little more build-up to Madame Leveau's entrance. This seems to be a story about her daughter and the relationship with Collin. So, in that setup, I'm not sure on the title. Ofcourse, this is based on only the first 10 pages.
I had no major issues with dialogue. I'm not an expert in Southern accents or the New Orleans slang, so I'm not sure if that was exact or not. I did find some of the dialogue could be cut down - especially the opening scene, like a reviewer above me commented on.
I have no complaints about the characters - infact, I like them all - except one. Collin. When I see a character description of "prep" or "preppy," I get my back up - they are commonly seen as antagonistic in movies, so it rubbed me the wrong way. Was there a decision to make Collin rich? Maybe it is revealed why in the coming pages.
Overall, really enjoyed this - looking forward to read more.
Right from the start, I question the use of "New Orleans" in the slug then a super that says "New Orleans" I prefer simply 'MANSION' then the super. A small but significant nitpick. Another nitpick is the character-pronoun agreement. Collin speaks; the next action is "She" does this or that. Sometimes Paris speaks and "he" does this or that. While you intend 'She' meaning Paris and 'He' meaning Collin, But it happens quite a bit. I'm sorry. Folks don't let me get away with that junk. I'm a little surprised that some of those past naysayers give you a pass. (But what else is new- my peers here have flip-flopped so many times I lost count)
But that last bit with the SUPER: TITLE? Why is thart there? To me it red flags me and yells out "This is where I want the credits to go!" >
I understand some peep's frustration. But wait. There's something that bugged me even more. Want to know what it is?
Wicca and Voodoo are two different religions There. I said it. I guess you could make a case, and you might be able to convince me...but...
I didn't care much for it, in spite of the setting.
Creeped me out. I found the vehicle of having her background revealed by the way people reacted to her on the street. That was a nice touch.
The writing was good and moved along nicely. I felt it left off in a comfortable way to be made longer, but I don't know how long it could be. A few side-plots would have to be introduced to carry it through, but overall I felt it was pretty strong.
Wicca and Voodoo are two different religions There. I said it. I guess you could make a case, and you might be able to convince me...but...
You are absolutely correct, sir.
Wicca is peaceful nature religion based on an earth goddess. It hails from Northern Europe. It has nothing to do with Christianity and pre-dates it by millenia.
It is not related to Satanism which by it's very nature requires Christianity and can best be called anti-Christianity.
Whilst Voodoo is an Animistic/Christian creole religion born in the Caribbean.
I think this one has the potential to be a good feature, but I agree with sentiments that the significance of the mansion should be clearer. On consideration after later I'm assuming this is Collin's home but it's not clear at all.
I'm really curious to see where you take this, if Madame Laveau dies off early and Paris assumes the mantle of her mother, or if the Voodoo priestess is a more active (antagonistic?) force in the movie. Hopefully you continue.
And I didn't have a problem with "biracial beauty", especially given the setting is New Orleans. Not sure why that's being picked on. I guess you could use "mulatto" but that's sounds really old-fashioned.
Very intriguing. Not sure if it could carry 90 pages though. This seem like somewhere after the first act and a third into the second so something would need to be set up just before this but not long. Lots of subtle things going on. Pretty cool, but feature, not so sure.
Hi guys Thanks heaps for the read and the comments – they’re all very, very helpful. Even Sandra’s;)
Okay, so to clarify a few things…
The mansion is Collin’s house. He’s a rich kid, she’s not. They were out clubbing and Collin was ‘almost done’ pulling all the pins out of her hair, so he was dubious that her hair would fall.
Paris left the room to go make a sandwich (she was the one clinking dishes). She came in with a slice of bread because she hadn’t finished making it yet. (Yes, I actually thought that through…)
I thought a lot about Paris’ description, but settled on biracial beauty because I decided that, given the setting, it wouldn’t be hard to deduce what I meant. That and…how do you describe that differently/better without offending somebody?? I mean, I’m genuinely asking because I just dunno
I used the Title Super on the last page just as my way of finishing up the first 10. There was some discussion about whether or not to use Fade Out for a first 10, and so I figured that might be a good way to signal that this part was finished, and it was only for the sake of the OWC.
And no, I didn’t refer to/use Wicca anywhere in the script and I’m not sure how that was misconstrued.
The Laveau name is well-known in New Orleans and is associated with the city’s most famous Voodoo priestesses. (The name Paris is part of that history.)
The idea here is that Paris’ mom, the current Madame, is dying and will soon pass on the title to her daughter. But Paris is struggling with her beliefs and what she wants with her life.
When Collin leaves, Paris’ mom sees how sad she is and ‘curses’ him for it, partly for Paris and partly in retaliation for the guy who left her when she was younger.
I’ve decided I will extend this to a feature for the 7WC (but obviously rewriting this part altogether, and probably moving it as well). I’m developing the idea further, and I really think it’ll be a nice, solid piece when I get done If it goes to plan, each of the characters I’ve introduced here will play into the story in their own way (even Rusty)
Anyway, thanks again, everybody!! I know this script wasn’t the greatest (this OWC was more like a 2DC for me) and is in serious need of a rewrite, so I appreciate your time in reading and responding.
The idea here is that Paris’ mom, the current Madame, is dying and will soon pass on the title to her daughter. But Paris is struggling with her beliefs and what she wants with her life.
That, I completely got. I think it's this that should be right up front and center. Maybe, just maybe begin with Laveau and her personal dilemma. If she dies, we need to feel for her somehow I think. We need to know her and the space she occupies physically and within Paris' life.
Thanks, Sandra. I'm thinking of opening with them, maybe doing something together, but everything turning sour pretty quickly over Paris' internal struggle. Then I'll bring in Collin and go from there.
Thanks, Sandra. I'm thinking of opening with them, maybe doing something together, but everything turning sour pretty quickly over Paris' internal struggle. Then I'll bring in Collin and go from there.
Ah, I'll get there eventually
I know you will!!! I'm actually really intrigued by "Madam" and would like to give input further. I think that says a lot about you as a writer. You stir emotions. That's the magic! That's the goods!!! Rday, don't ever discount that!!!
I'm more than a bit freaked out by the last OWC. A lot of people knew my writing-- I'm such a dork, I guess. But I was surprised, for instance, to learn that my favorite:
Witch's Flame
Or:
Witches' Flame
Or to hell with it... Witche's Flame? ...Quite cool really...
Was/were/ written by my friend, Gary of Simply fame (for us anyways).
It was so cool to learn that he'd written it because I'm very strict and I won't bend to someone else's writing just because they're a friend of mine. (Gary knows I'm crazy like that.) ...
The thing is, I'm really proud of his work and even more proud to be able to applaud it through the anonymous tesseract of the OWC.
For me to really LOVE his work, and anonymously too? That means that he's really freaking grown as not just a writer, but as a person. That's more cool than anything I've heard of.
Yeah, that is pretty awesome. As far as your writing, I think it's just that it's so distinctive. The elaboration, the poetry, the slightest details. I imagine you could do quite a lot with literary fiction and do really well
Yeah, that is pretty awesome. As far as your writing, I think it's just that it's so distinctive. The elaboration, the poetry, the slightest details. I imagine you could do quite a lot with literary fiction and do really well
Thank you so much as a friend. In the very truth and at the very heart, I hope to be able to work in line with (sorry for the rhyme) but work in "the paradigm".
People like me have a hard time following linear thought and we really do want to meet with everyone's expectations, but yeah, we screw up royally. ... Anyways...
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