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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2012 OWC  ›  Real Counterfeit Witches...  - OWC
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  Author    Real Counterfeit Witches...  - OWC  (currently 13053 views)
Don
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Real Counterfeit Witches Of The Twenty-First Century by 0 - Short - A witch and warlock living in the twenty-first century obsess over their rogue history from 1786 London. They find themselves victim to a curiously evolving coining machine.  - pdf, format


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greg
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 12:03am Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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If this is written by the person who I think wrote it then I leave the same exact feedback every single time.  

But there's one thing in this script that makes me think it might have been written by someone else.

Either way it was frustrating and I had no idea what was going on.


Be excellent to each other
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nawazm11
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 12:29am Report to Moderator
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Wow, this writing! It's hurting my eyes! Only joking, but I'm really not digging your descriptions for everything. It's your writing style though and I can't really hate it just because I don't like it.

Managed to finish it and the truth is, I understood nothing . Don't really know what happened, this all sounded like a poem of some sort waiting to be deciphered.

Sorry I don't have much to say.

Edit: Okay, my comments came off as really harsh so I apologize. You're a great writer, this stuff is amazing for a book. I think if you really tightened your writing, you could write a great screenplay. Gratz on completing the OWC, a lot of people finished the ten pages, and that's says a lot.

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nawazm11  -  March 7th, 2012, 6:54am
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Penoyer79
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 12:31am Report to Moderator
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like Season of the Witch..this was anothe really tough, long-winded, disorienting read. but with "Season" it was the dialogue that was too much. you have the opposite problem.

the actions and discriptions especially are WAY overwritten. you write like a novelist... not a screenwriter.... you dont need to be this poetically vivid.

the action needs to be short and concise... you spend 4 of 6 lines detailing how things look and sound....we want action and progression. too many ink blocks.

i feel like there's 3 or 4 pages that could be cut with some economizing.
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MacDuff
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 12:54am Report to Moderator
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I should be writing...

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I think my brain just exploded.

Vividly written; almost poetic. The words, descriptions, dialogue all flow together - unfortunately, I couldn't make out what was what and why. I really tried, I did. I just felt like it was something flying right over my head.

I'm not sure we have a 10 minute script here - infact, we may only be at half that when you take away the colour of the descriptions and take what's actually film-able.

Thanks


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CoopBazinga
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 12:55am Report to Moderator
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Although I agree with previous feedback about this being over written in places, I have to say that you have a way with words and I found a lot of it imaginative but unnecessary.

There were parts of this I liked but some confused the hell out of me and for tht reason I found it difficult to know what it was about?

I could guess what is happening but think I will way off the mark, be interesting to see what others think of this and hear what the author was going for?

Apart of the over writing, I thought it also had a lot periods when a comma would have been better used, it slows the read IMO. Also the “dissolve to:” and “flashcut” felt unneeded and wasted valuable space but this whole thing could have been tightened to make it shorter.

Want to mention this line: “He whips out (thank god) his phone.” This made me chuckle, liked it.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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mcornetto
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 1:46am Report to Moderator
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Before I comment I want to ask you a question.  Do you actually take any of the notes you've been given onboard? Do you even want notes on how to improve your scripts? Or do you ignore them and just do your own thing? That isn't meant in any manner but as a neutral question, I'm simply curious and probably a few others are as well.  You have your own style, it's unique and recognisable and I'm not sure you're really looking to change that.

I liked the logline.  It could have been a bit clearer about their goal but after reading the script, maybe not.  At the very least, the logline got me to open the script.

Before I actually read the script, I read some of the comments.  So I knew who wrote this and what I was in for even before I read the first word (see that's a real achievement).  However, for some reason I was sure it would be different this time and that I would get what you were going for.  Unfortunately, I was very wrong.  

If you read my last review of one of your scripts, well, that would be pretty much what I would say this time.  

And I probably would have been ok if you used esoteric but recognisable reference because I decided to google things this time.   Unfortunately that didn't work here.

What it did tell me was that this probably is taking place in the not too distant future  but I'm not ruling out that it could be some alternate reality.  I got the coin machine part but I didn't really see it as menacing as you described in your logline.  Then there was the Lou Lou doll.  Is this what you meant?



Then using scone as a verb really threw me.  By that point I had given up on understanding it.  If this was a full length script, I would not read it (except under duress because you asked me to do it as a favour and I would feel obligated).

It's wonderful to have the brilliant use of language that you do and you come up with the most wonderful turns of phrase.  However, what good does that do you if no one really wants to read it except due to obligation and, if a screenplay, no one wants to film it.  Let the filmmaker and the reader into your script.  The way you write is far too self-indulgent (and you know that I know exactly where you're coming from), it seems like you write only for you.  

I have a dare for you.  I dare you to write something, grab a camera and then try to film it.  I guarantee that will change the way you write screenplays forever.    



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Abe from LA
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 8:42am Report to Moderator
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This was a tough read for me.  You write with such a poetic flair, but it works against you in the screenwriting format.  I got caught up in the musical lilt that in the end, I was left confounded.
I went back over some passages just to see if I was reading too fast, but even then I still couldn't grasp what you were getting at.
The story alone needs to be delivered with clarity.
In the end, I just don't think your style of writing works here. Sorry.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 9:27am Report to Moderator
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I'm having a little trouble with my computer. Darn it, but I will try to get this reply down before it takes a puke again.

I think you write beautifully for a novel:

The shaded passage feels moist to the eye, canopied by fervent vines.

The ugly sound marries the MELODY from John's Apple Manifesto...

But as for a screenplay, you are supposed to keep it brief to push the story forward.

Your beautiful writing tangled my feet in this script  
and in doing so, I'm sorry to say that I wasn't able to follow the story...

Sorry,
Cindy



Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 10:51am Report to Moderator
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Good effort.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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Noticed some of the earlier comments, so before I even start, I am pretty sure I know who wrote this. I will give this script a try and I will make comments as I go. If I get lost, I will quit. However, you will know exactly where that happened.

Page 1. I read the 1st half of this page and so far I am with you. I can see this. My only gripe with the ” John's hand”. If I you I would just say a male hand since John has not been introduced yet.

Finished with page 1 and I agree that it is overwritten, but I'm still with you.

Page 2. Okay, I followed Lou-Lou's transformation but got stuck on her dialogue. I have no idea which means with sky farmer and counterfeit. I'm also not sure what you mean by FLASHCUT.

I don't know what a throopnee is and I hate having to Google things when I'm trying to enjoy the story. I did not Google it so right now John's dialogue was lost on me.

Page 3. The thought just occurred to me. What does Lou-Lou look like at this point in the script? Is she still the brunette or is she the way she was after the transformation on page 1?

Finished page 3. I'm still with you Sandra, but I wish there had been more description about the 3 men that break through the door and haul her away. I don't mean I need full descriptions what they look like, but more active descriptions of what they are doing. Especially when they hang her.

Page 4. You called the place stealth shack. I have no idea what it is. Some comments earlier complained that you overwrite in poetic way. I would say that you underwrite on the things that actually help us visualize places and people and actions. This stealth shack is one of those things. You describe the inside as delightfully messy, but that doesn't tell me anything other than it could be just a regular room. When you decide to call a place in your slug line a stealth shack, you absolutely need to tell us what that is. To me Lou-Lou is just in a bedroom or living room right now.

I also do not understand the dialogue here. That is fine however, I think.

Moments later the old Melody Bloom's in the microwave. I have no clue what you mean here, but I don't think I'm lost just yet so maybe it's just a visual thing to delight in or be confused by rather than something important that move the story forward?

Page 5. I have a very hard time picturing the 1st paragraph on this page.

The 2nd paragraph however, is easy to understand and see and they also find out through dialogue that Aragetta is a person. It's not a name you hear often so I was not sure if it meant something on the previous page or if it was just a name. Now I know.

Page 6. Now I'm getting confused. I think I can picture her sitting like a bird perched on an unseen branch. Very David Lynch-ish.

Okay, your 1st paragraph in the motel room needs some attention.

What does " heady sensory uptake slowed” mean? I am also confused at this point if John and Lou-Lou are at the same place or if they are 2 separate places.

Okay, further down on this page I found out that they are probably not in the same place. She's trying to hide from John? I did not know this. I guess I missed something from earlier on.

Page 7.” He alternates his thoughts from the Arbor to his tea.” How on earth would you film that?

Page 8.” Are you this sexy witchy babe we're looking for?” LOL!

Page 9. Wee-wee room? What's wrong with restroom? That just sounds silly. On the other hand, maybe that fits right in with the script.

He whips out (thank God) his phone! I bet you had a lot of fun when you wrote this script. LOL.

Page 10. What is transmogrifies?

Okay, I reached the end of your script and yes, there was confusion here and there, but I think I manage to follow along a little bit. Like Michael said, you write the way you write because that is how you like to write. However, as screenplay writing goes, I'm afraid that you might be turning people off. The things that you described so eloquently are important to you, but not important from a filmmaking point of view. Which goes back to what I said earlier, that you underwrite the things that are important for actual filmmaking. I think Michael had a great idea that I think really would help you understand how you need to write screenplays. Take the camera and try to film something that you wrote even if just the shot. Does not have to be a whole script just a shot. Perhaps then you'll understand how some of your descriptions would be impossible to film.

I hope this can be to any help for you.

Pia  


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rdhay
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 11:27pm Report to Moderator
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Woohoo!! I got through this one!! (IIRC, this writer's last OWC script was the only one I couldn't finish.)

While it is clearly overwritten and thoroughly confusing, I really like the bones of the story (at least as I understand it). After a total rewrite, I think this really has potential.

Good job completing the OWC
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Forgive
Posted: March 7th, 2012, 6:36am Report to Moderator
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Not read other feedback yet - so apologies for any repitition. I'll give the other feedback a read and may come back to this.

Logline... not too sure.

Introduction is a little fanciful for my liking.

Most of the writing appears overly aesthetic, to be honest.

Top of page 2 - you're losing me a bit here.

P2 - He presses a lever? Should that be pulls a lever?

The FLASH CUTS were irritating, and I don't think you've used them correctly?

I think you need to decide if you want to write a novelistic piece or a screenplay.

A talking bird?

# Poor Benny Malone with the wilted look of a man whose wife crafts doilies, but wont
-- You're actually calling this a description of someone?

Just flicked through the final three pages - you completely lost me.

Confusing, opaque story.

May need adapting to a screenplay.

######################

Read the other feedback, and went over the end of the script again.

(Very restrained Jeff. Well done.)

I agree with the other comments. You can film it yourself if you want to. If you want someone else to film it - make it comprehensible to other people.

Interesting story.

Poor screenplay.

Congrats on getting an entry in.

Simon

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Forgive  -  March 7th, 2012, 6:56am
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ReneC
Posted: March 7th, 2012, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I think the comments ahead of mine make it pretty clear this was not easy to read or follow. I agree that it's greatly over-written. An absurd amount of time is spent establishing the tone and waxing poetic. If I were tasked with re-writing this, it would be half the length it is.

I don't have much to say about the story because I only got an impression that there was any story to tell. If there is actually a story here it's elusive.

I feel like I need to read this in some altered state to get it or even appreciate it. It also feels like you love the sound of the voice in your head, but something's being lost in the translation to the page.

Good effort, and a considerable one at that. I don't imagine this was easy to write, it's too bad none of us seem able to reach its lofty ambitions.


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wonkavite
Posted: March 8th, 2012, 9:15am Report to Moderator
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Found this one tough going.  The writing’s competent, and there are several nice turns of phrase, so kudos on that.  (Looks like a bad garage sale comes to mind.  The going down transition was interestingly played, too.)

Overall, though, I found the writing *too* flowery and poetic – the story confusing.  It comes across that Joe’s following Loo Loo through time, but the details were hard to dig out.  I’d recommend streamlining this one – both with descriptions and plot points.  Though - it's an interesting and ambitious take on the challenge...

Cheers and best..!

--J
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