Quoted from mcornetto Before I comment I want to ask you a question. Do you actually take any of the notes you've been given onboard? Do you even want notes on how to improve your scripts? Or do you ignore them and just do your own thing? That isn't meant in any manner but as a neutral question, I'm simply curious and probably a few others are as well. You have your own style, it's unique and recognisable and I'm not sure you're really looking to change that.
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Thanks, Michael for reading. What I understand is that I lack clarity and I really do try hard for that, but I consistently fail; so to answer: Yes, I would like to change that.
For this particular script, I researched some 18th century lingo, such as:
Sky Farmer
I particularly liked it:
Cheats who pretend they were farmers in the isle of Sky, or some other remote place, and were ruined by a flood, hurricane, or some such public calamity: or else called sky farmers from their farms being IN NUBIBUS, in the clouds.
*I had to laugh when I read it and thought it suited my lovely Lord of Lust, Lou-Lou's cohort, John, Maylord. Now, when I think of it, such a scene, if it were a feature, would be a riot to create and would reveal "the mystery" which I was unable to convey in the brief admonishment from Lou-Lou:
Lou-Lou
Sky Farmer! Counterfeit.
*For the short I thought it was enough for her to say that and I thought people could reason that someone farming in the sky would be either a dreamer or a liar or both.
But yeah, I had a lot of fun researching that.
Page 2. Okay, I followed Lou-Lou's transformation but got stuck on her dialogue. I have no idea which means with sky farmer and counterfeit.
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*I've explained it above what that means, but I see now that in the script, I failed. I had thought that a fast cut to a flashback (with John seducing her with the newfangled coining machine) that would show what he was up to. In that scene she says,
Lou-Lou
Drawing the king's picture! ...
which was more 18th century slang for producing counterfeit coin.
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I don't know what a throopnee is and I hate having to Google things when I'm trying to enjoy the story. I did not Google it so right now John's dialogue was lost on me.
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Sorry about that. I thought twice about using it, but I thought the image of the threepence in the beginning would clarify it later on because when John picks it from the machine, it's the same coin from the beginning. (But how is the reader supposed to know that?) In my head; not on the page.
Page 3. The thought just occurred to me. What does Lou-Lou look like at this point in the script? Is she still the brunette or is she the way she was after the transformation on page 1?
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Very good observation. Since I had trouble with this, I tried to make clear that all the Lou-Lou's had the distinctive smear of white/black.
>He sees Lou-Lou’s face changing: Lou-Lou the skimpy brunette, the yellow haired bird, the stone face love torn wench-- all Lou-Lous with a smear of white and black hair that’s course and tangled like the vines.
*But in a read, I think it can blur together unless something specific sets it off in motion more., like a bee settling there-- something more to guide the eye.
I don't know if it's a mistake or not, but Lou-Lou is first introduced in her 1786 form, red haired, pale... and "that" is within flashback. And from there, I do a FLASHBACK WITHIN A FLASHBACK!!! Holy Moley! Did I do that?! Guess I did.
There they are, on the streets of London in the pouring rain, arguing about what they know about, but the audience isn't sure until we get to that second flashback with the coining machine and then zip back to the streets where she THROWS the coins!
She's fed up with him and that life. She's afraid because she had a premonition of what was to come. ...
So I think what's happening is again, I'm not giving enough contextual framework on the page.
LOU-LOU
Wherya ramp this rattletrap?
*In old lingo it would be a type of machine. Today, it's thought old and worn out.
Where'dya ramp it from? Means: where'dya steal it?
Page 4. You called the place stealth shack. I have no idea what it is. Some comments earlier complained that you overwrite in poetic way. I would say that you underwrite on the things that actually help us visualize places and people and actions. This stealth shack is one of those things. You describe the inside as delightfully messy, but that doesn't tell me anything other than it could be just a regular room. When you decide to call a place in your slug line a stealth shack, you absolutely need to tell us what that is.
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I also questioned the slug. Mostly, it was important that she was living out in desert terrain, purposefully away from community living and using some kind of technology to provide a stealth mode against her "sometimes cohort", John Maylord.
This use of technology is only alluded to in this short with the rattletrap going from the lmitedly snazy, but old fashioned:
A-PELLA MANIFESTO I.
That is only a counterfeit coining machine
to the:
APPLE MANIFESTO XLR-8.
That manifests in 3d
to the:
APPLE MANIFESTO XM-1000.
That Wanda accidently messed with and they wind up back in 18th century London.
Moments later the old Melody Bloom's in the microwave. I have no clue what you mean here, but I don't think I'm lost just yet so maybe it's just a visual thing to delight in or be confused by rather than something important that move the story forward?
Page 5. I have a very hard time picturing the 1st paragraph on this page.
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The Melody itself, is merely a device within The Magical Arbor that John Maylord fantasizes within. It's kind of like how we hitch a memory to an old song, a time, a place. Whatever that Melody is, it's moist and alive as the Arbor itself, in contrast to the dryness of the desert where Lou-Lou currently resides, hiding from John and the memories of her execution.
I didn't nail what I was getting at on top of page 5
>An ugly electric sound plays on the aimless horizon until Lou-Lou’s old shack enters frame. The ugly sound marries the MELODY from John’s Apple Manifesto-- it targets:
I sensed an ugly electric guitar sound like the first chord beginning A Hard Day's Night
and some kind of grating mess on the nerves, but it literally marries the transcendent Melody that has travelled via "the waves" of John's Apple Manifesto. When it does, it becomes something powerful and able to even stifle the poor man's banjo blues.
The 2nd paragraph however, is easy to understand and see and they also find out through dialogue that Aragetta is a person. It's not a name you hear often so I was not sure if it meant something on the previous page or if it was just a name. Now I know.
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When the music infiltrated Lou-Lou's shack, I wanted her reaction to be one of upset. Clearly, she "thinks she knows" that it's coming from Aragetta's room in their shack and from Aragetta to boot; so she's angry at Aragetta for such nerve.
However, when she arrives in the room with no Aragetta, it would be a very scary moment. She might be questioning whether she was still asleep from the pills, or whether John had found her and is messing with her.
INT. ARAGETTA’S ROOM - DAY
Neat little space decidedly female. An open laptop sits cold in the corner, apparently off.
LOU-LOU
You know that music reminds me--
Lou-Lou opens her eyes. The music is silenced.
LOU-LOU
Aragetta?
No Aragetta. Lou-Lou looks down. A NOTE she reads aloud.
LOU-LOU
Went to Antelope Hill to scone
poor Benny Malone. We can use the cash.
Hope sleep was good. Your very best friend, Aragetta.
The stunned Lou-Lou looks around the empty room.
***I've been getting flack for using "scone". That I can't help. It sounds right and I don't think Benny minds.
Page 6. Now I'm getting confused. I think I can picture her sitting like a bird perched on an unseen branch. Very David Lynch-ish.
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Birds sometimes sit as if on the alert, never really resting. I imagined her as if skulking. But how can one skulk if they already know they are noticed? Does she want to believe she has already been detected by John? No. All I could see and feel was her intensely on alert, not really standing on the ground, but as if on something else. Maybe like a dancer ready to leap, but the bird seemed right.
Okay, your 1st paragraph in the motel room needs some attention.
What does " heady sensory uptake slowed” mean? I am also confused at this point if John and Lou-Lou are at the same place or if they are 2 separate places.
Okay, further down on this page I found out that they are probably not in the same place. She's trying to hide from John? I did not know this. I guess I missed something from earlier on.
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Heady sensory uptake = She was zoned into feeling a potential threat
And it was slowed (zoned out) by her thought of Aragetta turning tricks with Benny.
Makes perfect sense to Sandra.
But really, I was thinking: Someone's going to ask, "What's Heady sensory uptake?" I should have scratched it then and there.
Page 7.” He alternates his thoughts from the Arbor to his tea.” How on earth would you film that?
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My request would be that it cut back and forth from John's internal focus on The Arbor and his external focus on his tea. I just didn't think I needed to write cut to: because I thought that would damage the flow of what I wanted to get across-- the fact that The Arbor is his internality at this point in time.
Page 9. Wee-wee room? What's wrong with restroom? That just sounds silly. On the other hand, maybe that fits right in with the script.
He whips out (thank God) his phone! I bet you had a lot of fun when you wrote this script. LOL.
Page 10. What is transmogrifies?
Okay, I reached the end of your script and yes, there was confusion here and there, but I think I manage to follow along a little bit. Like Michael said, you write the way you write because that is how you like to write. However, as screenplay writing goes, I'm afraid that you might be turning people off. The things that you described so eloquently are important to you, but not important from a filmmaking point of view. Which goes back to what I said earlier, that you underwrite the things that are important for actual filmmaking. I think Michael had a great idea that I think really would help you understand how you need to write screenplays. Take the camera and try to film something that you wrote even if just the shot. Does not have to be a whole script just a shot. Perhaps then you'll understand how some of your descriptions would be impossible to film.
I hope this can be to any help for you.
Pia
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Transmogrifies means when something changes into something else. I neglected to say into "what".
I definitely did imagine shots, even if I didn't use a camera. For example, in The Arbor I had written about every wavy tendril. These I saw as close ups, but I had neglected to show John's specific attention to their detail, or even perhaps the necessary attention as a close up in my description. I guess I could have written:
Close Up: Yada yada.
But then I think I'm restricting it too much and ruining it.
The scene where John and Lou-Lou are mid-argument against the building in London during the heavy rain, I saw as up close-in-your-face personal. I haven't got a clue how I'd film them with breathing in each other's breath, sweating fear. It would be from one side and then over the other's shoulder with another camera and perhaps even from above. And even from far away, from some vagrant's POV as he takes notice. There are lots of options there, but mostly, I had seen it as so close it's claustrophobic.
Looking at the first page now, before the flashback, I believe it necessary to provide sight of John in "the now", in The Arbor or exiting it, perhaps as his reflection in one of those glass gazing globes. Anything, but then there would be at least one establishment of connection for which I failed in this attempt.
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I can't comment more specifically on the story itself, sorry. I did read it, but kept wandering, the melody of the words bringing me to unpredictable places, like a lullaby driving a dream.
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Thank you, Kevin. I messed up making connections that people could understand. Maybe down the road I will return to Lou-Lou's stealth shack and John's magical Arbor. We will see. Right now they've been shot back to London 18th century by Wanda Wuffle's blunder so I don't know.
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And then...
I couldn't stop laughing. I...can't stop.
Anyway, what's not funny is that the slugs are incorrect. Writer makes the mistake of intentionally misspelling words for sake of "character accent and "pronouncination" Cut that out, spell it right. I have no idea what's going on. Pass the metaphysical bong, I need a hit. Jibber-jabber and Lou-lou...
not into this. Need to eat lunch... P-take, perhaps?
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I'm really glad you could have a good laugh, Darren.
Sometimes it's unintentional, but it's good just the same.
No, despite some of the comments. There was absolutely no bong involved and no alcohol. I write when I'm completely straight. I'm not a druggie type of person. Just regular me, but I get "sucked into" a kind of portal of feelings and images and I guess I just have to do my best with it.
I love a good laugh. As some SSers know.
Glad I served you some.
Guys,
Thanks for reading and commenting,
Sandra