Interesting! I liked it. However, I think I liked your writing better than I did the story itself. Don't take me wrong, it was good, but the writing made it seem better than perhaps it was. The reason is, I'm not really sure I would want to know more of the story even though I liked it. Does that even make sense? Maybe not.

Regardless, your writing was great and I would love to read something else by you.

Pg 1.   A dirty drab landscape, baked mud and dust…sounds pretty far from looking like an open wound to me.

Like the bold slugs btw.

Excellent writing so far.

Pg 3.   Anissa…

Pg 5.   From what I can understand, Tom is a stranger to these people, therefore, I find it very odd that Corbin leaves his wife to be alone with Tom while he goes for a walk in the woods. I doubt a man would do that. Now or then.

Pg 6.   as as…

Pg 8.   In a clearing not from the house…this read weird to me.

Not one of my favorites, I'm sorry to say.

Pros: Solid writing, feels like a writer who knows his/her format and way around a script.  Some of the lines were standouts.  (When a lady commands, a gentleman complies comes to mind)

Negatives: I found the story confusing - who *exactly* are Arissa and Corbin, and what's their connection to Tom?  (And Tom's connection to Verily?)  By the end of the 10 pages, the mystery was too thick...and I found my attention wandering.  IMHO - I'd like to have seen clearer clues into the plot, earlier on....and a certain amount of streamlining of the story itself.  My two cents, for what it's worth.

As for Arissa embracing the tree as a lover?  OWWWWWWW.

Your logline feels overwritten.

Im sorry i didnt really enjoy this one, you obviously have it set up for a feature and maybe with a re-write, it can become something less confusing.
I felt like it jumped all over the place and for your first 10 pages that`s kind of hard to follow IMO

Good job on finishing your OWC

Mark

This is good work. When Tom was attacked by the ruffian's, it reminded me of the story of my dad getting attacked after cashing his cheque and he beat them all off of him.  

The feel of this for me was distinctly western. I couldn't help but seeing Tom as wearing a cowboy hat.

The last bit of dialogue with Tom and Verily didn't make sense to me.

When Arissa danced to The Witche's Flame, I thought of this   :



Sandra

Now you’ve gone and done it, way to show that OWC who’s boss!

P. 1
Interesting mix of a familiar time with the theme.
Don’t think I’ve seen this match up before. Kudos.

P. 3
Is it Arissa or Anissa?

P. 4
Arissa’s dialogue here feels unnatural...
The help and guests arrive next week.

Tom just congratulated them on their upcoming nuptials.
This data has no correlative to Tom’s remark.

P. 7
What did Tom do with the apple?

P. 8
Bare chests and tree rape...
Starting to feel like if Evil Dead was a pulp romance novel.

Finished.
The plot felt too overt at times...
Tom coming right out and asking about the flame.
I don’t get a strong motivation for the plot.
It all slots together in a way that prohibits character bonding.
Perhaps if Tom was working there as a farm hand for a while...
Then he reveals his true nature once Verily makes herself known.
Something like that plays into the romance hints better IMO.

Regards,
E.D.

Not bad, though it's more like a short than a feature. There isn't enough set-up, things start happening very quickly once Tom reaches the house. And yet I don't know what the story is.

Don't skip over fight sequences. Saying they go back and forth until Tom lands a few good punches takes the reader out of the story, and you miss some opportunity for characterization. We don't know how long the fight lasts, how Tom handles himself against three foes, how he gets the upper hand, whether they're trying to kill him, whether he's holding back, if he's outmatched but gets lucky, if he's actually a great fighter...the list goes on. You don't have to get fancy and choreograph every move but you do need to write the fight sequence.

"Damn, my tired eyes!" Lame, kill it and never use it again.

The last scene ends cryptically but we're already confused by that point. The effect is annoyance rather than intrigue. Perhaps it's the page limit at work here. There are a bunch of questions thrown at us in those last pages, adding the big ones at the end are too much too soon.

Needs work but the writing is good and it has potential. Good luck!

Congratulations! WITCH'S FLAME is my overall favorite for this OWC.



Sandra

I think the story kept me intrigued until it went in a different direction than I was expecting in the end. Not bad though. I think you write beautifully but it's a little too flashy for screenplay format.

The best example of this was something along the lines of "her hair clings to her head. That's a pointless line. I would hope her hair is attached to her head...

I would definitely read on after these pages. You have a very distinct voice. I just feel like the last few pages were a bit rushed.

The writing here is good, and paints and interesting picture.  Very interesting setting - I haven't really seen much that takes place in this era, so points for originality.

I can't put my finger on it, but I didn't like Tom giving the ruffians some money with a pithy line about strangers and friends.  Perhaps I would have liked it more if he offered the money before resorting to fisticuffs?  Then again, as we see when he compliments Arissa, he does have a penchant for flowery language.  Maybe it's totally in character.

It feels like these people know Tom, because it seems strange that Arissa would just invite him to stay after meeting him for all of 5 minutes and that Corbin would wander off for a walk and leave his fiancée alone with a stranger.

Liked some of the dialogue, but some of it confused me.  Mostly because it seems like there's a lot these characters know that we don't.  It seems out of the blue when Tom starts asking about the Witches Flame, for example.

The mystery is pretty thick here and I found it hard to grab onto anything... also didn't fully understand what was going on at the end with Verily.  My interest is somewhat piqued, but that's because I'm curious if any of these mysteries are going to be wrapped up in the next 10.  If not, I'm not certain if I would finish this.

I should also mention I'm not a huge romance fan, and the logline and the presentation so far hint that it will probably be leaning in that direction, so I may be just out of your target audience...

Quoted from Felipe The best example of this was something along the lines of "her hair clings to her head. That's a pointless line. I would hope her hair is attached to her head...

Er, but her hair clinging to her head implies something quite different than her hair just being attached, at least to me.  Maybe this is a regional thing?  Because this line conveys information to me and thus isn't pointless at all.

:Duan