I enjoyed this one, the writing is excellent and it's definitely from an experienced member, good stuff.

I liked the institute scene, think you executed it well but would have liked to have seen more of the family element before moving the story there. We seemed to get there too soon IMO.

I do like the idea of the institute being the antag, think that could play out well and even go further into something like a “Heroes” type story.

On another note, this could easily be turned into an excellent short, something to think about if you have no plans on going on with a feature.

I wish I had more to offer but this is clearly from someone who knows what they’re doing. I have a feeling this was a one off and the author has no plans on taking this further...could be wrong of course? I normally am.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve

Congrats on getting something ready for the OWC.

P. 2
Awkward phrasing for me...
eats from a bag of potato chips
What’s wrong with just... “eats potato chips”?

P. 6
Feels a tad plot convenient this facility is so accessible.

P. 8
Jane’s explanation here clunks for me...
We’re talking about a visual experiment, try to got that route.

Finished.
It all feels a bit too contrived for me.
I appreciate moving the plot along...
But I didn’t get a strong sense of character.
And the scientist exposition slowed down the read some.

Regards,
E.D.

An idea:  the institute is run by those who are seriously interested in the paranormal. Whether they are more academic, or more just a group that's into it is an option.

However, the have a running deal with one of the skeptics who is willing to put up a big reward if they find someone who seems to be real.

So she gets there, and does some little thing. This convinces them to call the skeptic, and she's told she has to pass his test for the reward.

This would create an interesting dynamic in the room. You have researchers who want to believe, and are excited to have maybe seen the real thing. And you have the skeptic who is determined to prove them all wrong. Conflict would fill the air of that room.

Would be a small adjustment, would allow tension to build. This might better explain the outburst by Jane when it comes.

Good script. Just an idea. And a bump.

BLOOD ROOTS

Congrats on a string of comments with positive vibes.

I liked this too.

I think the closing line should be spoken by the woman who�s been pestering Jane. Jane can have the visual of looking justified.

Also consider having Callie try to intervene.

Gary

I enjoyed this.

Solid read all around.  Would definitely continue.  Liked the subtle approach you took to the witchcraft but also liked that it felt like a show that would air on the Sci-Fi channel or something.  

Not much else to say.

Very nice job.

Greg

BLOOD ROOTS is a bloody good short and with additional work and research would make a bloody good movie.

First off I always enjoy works that are based on reality and that challenge (maybe someone remembers the name) is a real one.

Now I'll just mention a few things. If I really went over it heavily I know there would be more, but let's forget about most of that right now.

The intro needs attention.

You have Jane stroking her hair, but then you say she’s holding her baby. I doubt she’d be stroking her own hair; rather, she’d be stroking her baby. At the very least, the baby should be introd at the same time because MARLENE, the little one would be in the same shot pretty much.

Here:

>Jane turns her head, not surprised in the slightest.

Change to

Jane turns her head, unfazed.

*Here:

>The door opens and Jane steps out.

*Splice it.

*Watch out for:

>GRADY
Jane Hobbs?

Jane nods.

***You might be getting giggles when you don’t want them.

Page 2

**Is it

>CALLIE
Who is it?

>JANE (O.S.)
It’s me, Mom.

**Or, is it:

>JANE (O.S.)
Mom, it’s me.

**I think choose the latter.

Well done on this challenge!!!  

Sandra

This is my favorite so far! Good dialogue especially by Jane. Good and intriguing story that ends leaving me wanting more. Congratulations on an excellent job!

Page 2 of. Seems a little weird to me that Callie would not now that Jane had been close to losing the house for some time. Unless they hardly ever speak to each other course, but if they don't then it is also weird that Jane will go to her house and expect to stay there.

Page 4. Not that it really matters, but it helps forming a picture of the receptionist if I knew what gender the person is.

My favourite so far.  

Nicely written and good story that could by expanded to a feature.  Not really anything else to say as I really enjoyed it from start to finish.

Well done, great work.

Great writing on display, this flowed well for me and was effortless to get through.  I know most are advising against the intro, but I really liked it - I thought it painted the right picture of desperation and set the tone.

I also like the line "They stare into each other" which really summed up the relationship between the mother and daughter.  If you do decide to continue, I'm curious what their dynamic will be.  Callie clearly seemed able to sense Jane's magic and seemed none too happy about it.

Again, great job.  Entries like this almost make me glad I couldn't complete my own entry in time.  Almost ;)

:Duan

Excellant job... One of my favorites.

It flowed very easily and your dialogue and descriptions where excellant.

It could easily be a short or the beginning of a feature.

well done

Mark

Excellent entry, this one moves to the head of the pack. Deftly written with a sure hand, a compelling story, great characterization, solid dialogue...this one covers all the bases and feels like the start of a feature.

A small stumble on page 8, Jane's dialogue slips out of character and into exposition. Too much is said about her ability, she's reluctant to be there and isn't interested in educating anyone at that point. She's going to stick to the bare minimum to get the money.

I'd definitely keep reading. Good luck with it!

I began my re-reading process thinking I would probably vote for this to break the tie, but I had to at least give Sinister and Secret, other favs, a chance. I can't vote for M & M. I have to say, Secret impressed me. Now time for some Blood. Next up, Sinister.


I had two problems on first read: flat characters, and the Institute. Let's see how I felt in second read, and whether these problems can easily be fixed if the story continues.

The Institute of Scientific Skepticism still troubles me. BUT...I have another solution to propose. You're gonna like this one! And hey, maybe it's already what you have in mind, but this one will help if you don't.

The problem with this institute is it's hard to conceive of where the money comes from. I mean, who would fund something like that? The reward, the office, the secretary, the scientists.  It just doesn't make sense.

Unless...drum roll...someone knows there are witches out there, needs them for a certain purpose, and has set this trap in order to get them to reveal themselves.

Maybe George Soros wants to build a team of witches to do his bidding. He knows of their existence because they were chased out of Europe in WW II(in the Secret War). He has to find them, but they've gone deep under. So he sets traps like this hoping to draw them out.

The trap sprung, she gets away. But now George Soros has his men after her, and she must escape with her children. That could work out really, really well!

Ok, flat characters. Well, good writers sometimes build some color onto their characters after the bones are built. That could be easily done. And we're only 10 pages into this, so plenty of time to build characters in the coming pages.

I am a little unsure about Callie. I can buy that she has trouble with her daughter. But she's even willing to throw her little grandkids on the street. That makes her cold. Which is fine, if that's her character. But she's in there reading to her grandkid and trying to connect him to his heritage. Something isn't quite fitting at the moment. But easy to fix on rewrite.

Excellent work. Onto Sinister, then maybe Cherry.

Quoted from leitskev The Institute of Scientific Skepticism still troubles me. themselves.

Hello Kevin, I just wanted to put up this link because I knew about this challenge and had written it up in my crit, but I couldn't remember its name.

Thanks to Google, I've got it:

http://www.skepdic.com/randi.html

The thing I loved about Blood Roots was it took (whether the author realized or not) from real life.  

Sandra

Hey Sandra

I was well aware of Randi and his challenge. But he does not, as far as I know, maintain and office with a secretary. That was the part that troubled me. Randi does not have an Institute, I don't think. I'm not sure how you schedule a test, where it takes place, who covers the cost.

I'm glad you posted that because I couldn't think of his name. He is the guy I was thinking the writer should look into, see if it fits.

Do you like my idea above? That it's secretly funded by a guy who is trying to find the real witches? I thought that could be cool.

Quoted from leitskev Hey Sandra I was well aware of Randi and his challenge. But he does not, as far as I know, maintain and office with a secretary. That was the part that troubled me. Randi does not have an Institute, I don't think. I'm not sure how you schedule a test, where it takes place, who covers the cost. I'm glad you posted that because I couldn't think of his name. He is the guy I was thinking the writer should look into, see if it fits. Do you like my idea above? That it's secretly funded by a guy who is trying to find the real witches? I thought that could be cool.

Whoah! Freak me out!!! That's what I was thinking in Real Counterfeit Witches... "What witch is going to be stupid enough to reveal themselves?" I took a bit of a comic tone in that short, but that's exactly how I felt. What would we do? We'd put out a lot of disinformation. Make ourselves look like idiots. Who is going to believe people that do such nonsense?! ...

I love your idea. There's a whole lot the writer of Blood Roots can work with here. I'd love to take a few of these scripts in this one OWC and create a mash up.  

Sandra