Cherry Bomb by 0 - Short - When a lonely barfly has a one-night stand with a rich man, her life seems to be on the way up... until she becomes the prime suspect in his murder. - pdf, format

Wasn't really sure about the title but glad you clarified it early on the script.

Wow wow wow, did that baby pack a punch! The dialogue was spot on, it was perfect.

I think you've nailed everything with this. I really can't find a lot to pick on.

One thought though, this ventured a little into the Horror genre later on but I'm not sure if the whole script will be like that... It doesn't really break the rules of the OWC but you should keep that in mind.

Anyway, well done. Loved it, all I have to say. You better finish this.

Well written for sure.  Flowed nice.  Liked the second sequence in the bar with the cops pulling their weapons on each other.  Not sure if this really sets up an entire feature, though.  At the same time if there had been a "The End" there I'm not sure I would have been entirely satisfied either.  

The broom in the apartment was also a little bit stating-the-obvious and not really necessarily at all IMO.  

I never really know what to say when reading the first 10 pages of something that's not finished.  I'd probably continue reading because the style is good.  Maybe throw in the sex there rather than jump over it.  

Good job.

Greg

This script was obviously the 1st 10 pages of a feature.

The beginning of the script had me intrigued, and I was looking forward to the rest of it. And somehow towards the end things sort of fell apart. At least for me. Sorry if my notes are not that great, but I lost my original ones. Hopefully this can be helpful in some way.

I did enjoy your writing style.

Page 1. Nice visuals in the beginning. Clear writing of shots.

Page 2. I like your style of writing so far.

Page 3. I don't have a lot of comments so far, I like to script the way it is.

Page 6. Good thing going with the mixup of Peter and John. You got my attention so far.

Page 7. In my humble little opinion, I think peter's dialogue about telling us where they found John, could be reworked into something better.

Page 8. We have a witnesses that say you were the last one to see him alive… Really? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Who are these people that would know this? Think about it.

Sorry, peter's cop talk doesn't work for me at all. He sounds very bogus.

Page 9. Oh no! You were doing so well, I didn't even have any comments for the beginning of the script, then it sort of turned all wrong on this page.

What does unable to catch her breath mean? She can't get enough oxygen? You make it sound like she's dying. Gasping for air.

Page 10. Peter sees the pedestrian walking towards them. What pedestrian? I think you mean a pedestrian since he is a character that has not been introduced yet.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Page 10. Peter sees the pedestrian walking towards them. What pedestrian? I think you mean a pedestrian since he is a character that has not been introduced yet.

The pedestrian is introduced a little more than halfway through page 9.

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Much like Pia, I thought the writing was very solid for the first 8 pages. I particularly liked the detail of her having ordered a cherry bomb for herself the following day... Must have been a good night. =D

While I don't think the script necessarily fell apart after page 8, it did get weird way too quickly. I think having her run away takes away from the creepiness of what she just did to those cops. It might make more sense for her to coolly walk out of the bar as they aim their guns into their own heads. Though that might just not fit into what you envision for the rest of the story.

Good work so far... Good luck!

Not bad, again...not bad at all.  Very good effort here.  Strong opening, interesting, engaging, and actually has the feel of the first 8 or 9 minutes of a feature.

Some writing mistakes and some awkward phrasings, but loads better than most.

I disagree that things fell apart on Page 8, but IMO, it just wasn't written properly, which took away all the power the scene could have and should have had.  It can be fixed up easily though.

I like this and hope you continue with it and bust it out to feature length.  I do see some legs here for sure.

Very good effort!

Title - didn't really mean anything. Ok the first pages uses this as a drink, if that is all, i'm not sure thats a great one.

Logline - no mention of powers, an attack, witch craft etc - so when this happen only at page 7/8 whatever it was, i was surprised. Also in what way is her life on the way up?

It all read well but for me the bar scene was just a bit too easy.

The police arrive, she has a fit/attack or some sort runs away in a panic, manages to get onto the roof and is fine. I wonder how this fits with the drunkard at the bar??

I agree this sets up a feature nicely and it would be interested to see where this one goes.

all the best,

Interesting...  Didn't quite go where I thought it would.  Well written, kept my attention.  And so far, this is the one only I've read (I'm about 5 in) that I could see as the start of an actual feature.  Most of the others were more suited to be short films.  Not that there's anything wrong with that....

Kudos, I'm actually curious to see where it would go from here....

A well written script with short dialogue and succinct action lines.  

Gary

This was pretty good. The end sort of fell a little flat for the way things were flowing along to me.

My favorite part of this script was the visual writing. The characters, especially Karen, just came to life....

Good job.

This was tightly written, with some nice lines of dialogue.  I did like the touch with the aspirin, as apparently she uses it to control her witchcraft somehow.  Not crazy about the title, but that's no big deal.  

Somone mentioned the broom in the corner being a bit obvious, and I would agree with that.  Unless the writer plans on using it as some kind of visual gag later on.  

I don't think the police would have enough evidence to arrest her for murder at that point, so that part stretched credibility.  But that was a cool scene with the cops pointing their guns on each other.

A tense ten pages, so good job with that.

I might have to think about this one a bit. Greg's right, sometimes it's hard without knowing the story.

We have to assume Karen is the protag. So either she did not kill John, or she did in self defense.

Questions: why did the police send 4 uniforms and a detective to pick up one girl who is officially not a suspect?

Why did the detective in the alley say "I'll shoot". She is unarmed. Yeah, she has power, but they don't seem too sure about that, and it won't look good in a report if they say they shot her because she has superpowers. The chief tends to frown on that.

But this was well written, had a nice flow, kept me interested. Deal me in the next hand, I'll read another 10 pages.

An excellent little piece, the writing was fluid and what little niggles there was didn’t affect my read and hardly worth mentioning. I also liked your use of mini slugs throughout this, think it helped the flow.

I did like it but was left wondering about whether it has enough weight to carry a feature. It ended well and I would have continued to read on but am not sure if there is enough here to sustain a story. That’s the hard part when only reviewing 10 pages, hard to judge sometimes. Think it could be changed a little and turned into a great short though.

I liked this but have my doubts whether it can be taken any further? Let’s see...

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve

i liked this one... simple, straight foward narrative...with the pacing of a short...and with a very interesting protag in Karen.

i'm hooked and i want to read more. great job. one of the better ones ive read.

Good logline. Intriguing.  

I liked the idea of this script and could see it as a film.  I probably wouldn't seek it out myself, however, because it's Noir and I'm not crazy about Noir.  

The dialogue was very good but I found the action a bit dry.  Not that the action was badly written, it just seemed a bit lifeless to me.

If you were going to continue this script, I would definitely recommend you build the beginning a bit more because I think in order to really work this needs to reach a slow boil.  We need to believe these things that are happening to her and care.

Of course, you might have something totally different in mind.

Good work for a week.  

Good on ya for putting something together for the OWC.

I liked this script when I read it last week...
So I’ll be interested to see how this draft fares.

P. 2
John's line about no one being perfect cracks me up every time.

P. 5
Karen’s line about the sour face clicks well with me...
Feel a “devil may care” noirish vibe from the pair. Me like.

P. 6
A spot of awkward phrasing...
kisses Karen who gets into it

P. 9
Not sure if I’m sold on the incantation...
But the effect plays out better this draft.

P. 10
I’d lose the “blonde exchange”, go right to the b*tch part.

Finished.
This draft reads better on all fronts...
Visual tale told with narrative thrust and noir style.

And you thought folks wouldn’t respond well to your entry.
Silly author!

Regards,
E.D.

This was pretty good I agree with most of the other comments here, but I think my biggest issue (if it's even that) is how she uses her power. I mean, it seems like on one hand she's a bit down and out, but then she can do THAT?? Makes me wonder what else she can do that she's not doing (for a reason I can't figure out).

Still, that's a relatively easy fix. And I love the brief visual of the nails stretching along her face. Would like to see the rewrite

Another solid effort.

Good build up, interesting characters and good pacing. I thought the writing was tight, flowed well and I had no major concerns with format or structure that couldnt be fixed with a rewrite.

My only concern was the whole detective scene. It started well but I thought when she used her powers, that it was a bold move so early in the script. Now we have the patrons in the bar, the cops and the detective all witnesses to her powers. I feel as though she would want to keep this secret as long as possible - at the most, using her abilities away from the public eye. By introducing the detective - it feels as though you are setting up a cat and mouse game, and if so you'll need the detective to investigate and uncover her abilities.

Just my thoughts - you may have other ideas.

Great job!

Hi there - not bad - a slow start, but then seemed to fall apart at the end - probably all a bit rushed if you were trying to get it in in time - a pity, as it did feel as if it was starting to develop into somthing pretty good - before this it had a bit of a sense of style to it.

Probably benefit from a bit of time spent with it.

Good entry.

I'm way off kilter with everyone else here.

This isn't a bad script - it just didn't do anything for me.

Part of the problem was the initial pickup. It just felt way too contrived. Even for a '2am pickup' there needs to be something a little more compelling emanating from the 'picker upper'. John was charmless, really. If it was a charm offensive, he failed on both the charm and the offensive, IMO. Someone at this point needs to be either one or the other! I didn't really enjoy the is she, isn't she (a prostitute) either.

Page 3 through 6 and a bit is essentially John preparing a drink and them negotiating. Not a lot for roughly 3 and a half minutes. It seems an awful lot of page space with not much happening to really propel the story forward. For my money, you can sacrifice some of the page count to give the pickup more energy and authenticity. I think you could add some fragility or sensitivity to one of these characters to change up the dynamic.

Once we're at the bar with the detective, it felt a little sudden and ill-paced when you revealed Karen as some form of supernatural character/witch. I think the script would benefit by dropping subtle hints/implicit dialogue to allude to her being 'different' in some way.

To be fair, I think you'd probably handle that a little differently if it was the organic opening to the feature (i.e. not the first 10 pages that partly demanding a self-contained story).

All that said, the general consensus is very favourable, so you're obviously doing something right.

One of the strongest entries I've read so far. Great writing, interesting story. good pace, good action, great dialogue. Well done!

It feels more like a procedural than a movie. Maybe it's the 10-page limit or the structure, or maybe I'm just biased towards TV writing. I'm usually quite precise with my notes but whatever nags me here is elusive, it just doesn't feel right.

Cherry Bomb is way over-used. I think the detective ordering one pushed it over the top. For a short that would be effective but by page 10 I didn't want to read about another one for the rest of the script.

The action sequence was good but I was expecting her to go splat in the street. I'm left confused why she's still alive, but the writing is strong enough that I'm confident it would make sense, so I'd keep reading to find out.

Great job!

I'm torn with this one.  

It's nicely written but the opening 7/8 pages are a little slow. I think there's too much emphasis on the cherry bomb drink although the reason for this may become clear in later pages.

The last few pages really picked up the pace and I was gutted I couldn't read further.  Definitely got potential here for a longer story.

A good job.

Something of a mixed bag for me, but I do like the story's upside.

Right now, I think the story gets mired in booze and concoctions, and drinking at the bar and at home, so for me the pacing there dragged.  But I think there is something interesting brewing beneath the surface.  Once the murder happens and the police sniff around, the action picks up.

Overall the action for 10 pages lacks pop.  Some areas to pump up the volume:  
The sex scene.  Maybe John roughs up Karen, so she is left bruised and a bit bloody.  That creates motive for payback—in the eyes of the cops.
I would prefer to see Karen wake up the next day in her bed.  Maybe we can get a feel for the apartment in the daylight.  This is where the police should visit her.  If she is going to pull off some "witchcraft," it can be in her pad.

She can make her escape out the apartment window and the chase could be on the building top.  Maybe her final move could be leaping across a 20-foot gap between two buildings, or leaping to the ground from five stories up.
Those are just some thoughts on boosting the action as we head on to the next dozen or so pages.

A couple of other thoughts — Was John a regular at the bar?  I don't think so, but he referred to the bartender by his name, "Mickey."

When the detective questions Karen about the dead guy, she says without looking at him: "Did ya have a good time last night, John?"
Either that answers Peter's question about her being with John, or she turns tricks and every guy is John.

As I read that Q&A session, a funny thought ran across my mind when Peter says that John is dead and missing his head.  I imagined him showing a photo of John's head minus a body. Or a body minus the head.  And then asks Karen to picture the missing body part to see if she could ID the guy.  Ha ha.

Anyway, with Karen on the run, I think this story has some real legs, so to speak.  Could get exciting as she unravels the mystery.  Maybe she should have blackouts.  Or maybe she is being set up.  Or maybe there is a killer on the loose and she calls upon her witchcraft to get out of some sticky jams.  Whatever.

Write it and we will read.  Good luck.

It started slowly for me, but I did enjoy it overall..
The writing was very good and the descriptions where good also,  not to sure about a feature.

Good job on finishing the OWC.

Mark

I liked this. It is about a witch, right? But in the logline, she's only written as a lonely barfly. I think the logline needs re-working. Also, I'm not crazy about the title. It seems like it's all about the specialty drink that she likes/or not, I'm not sure.

When John looks at the broom in the corner and chuckles, I felt like it's the closest reference you come to this being a "witchy" script at first. It's good, but is it too subtle? And if John doesn't know her, then why would he chuckle at the broom. I was thinking he knows her and knows what she is. Is he the one trapping her? He's not dead after all?

It seems awfully fast when the detective arrives wanting to arrest her; however, you might be able to use this to your advantage when developing this. If it's completely out of line, then maybe John is at fault, he's not really dead, and he's got his own witch business that he's up to.

Right now, it feels like there are missing pieces.

Sandra

This one left me wondering what the heck was going to happen next.  
I mean that in a good way. It left me with a lot of questions.

Is Karen really a witch or is the guy she took home the witch or is there another witch working through Karen?
If another witch is working through Karen, does she drink to control it?

You left me wanting to see more. Now you have to finish writing the feature script.  

Cindy

Good cliffhanger ending. Kind of interested in knowing about the transformation of decrepit skin.


Gabe

Great beginning to a full length script.  The entries in this OWC are, overall, really good.  Again, with this one I see nothing to even mention.  I loved the action and the dialog.  Flowed right along and makes me want to read more.  

Can you say -- 7WC?