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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2012 OWC  ›  A Mother's Legacy - OWC
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  Author    A Mother's Legacy - OWC  (currently 2963 views)
Don
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 1:58am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Mother's Legacy by 0 - Short - A mother bonds with her daughter while uncovering her past which holds the key to saving their futures from an evil spirit. - pdf, format


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 9:32am Report to Moderator
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Title - so so to me. It is powerful in that there is the blend of a mother and the future without her, so maybe more than i give it credit for, it just didn't jump out at me.

Logline - at least you have tried unlike others, but it doesn't mean much too me. Why bonds, why would she not do this daily - we don't know. needs some work IMO

SPOILERS

Overall, it is well written and paced, a few typos as always (p4 bother rather than brother) and a few strange words or phrases (arises - when you mean stands?).

A few other things;

1] i wasn't sure when Abby was writing and when she wasn't in the session
2] I wasn't sure that Abby would provide an opinion to Chloe about being given up if she was paying for a service. it could happen, and it maybe a reflection of the issue she has with her child,  it just surprised me.
3] The last scene threw me. It didn't feel at all she was the mother. Even if there is a history, it felt she was a babysitter from what she did and how Ian was acting - i think that needs some work.

However, i think you set up a feature more effectively than most. The first ten pages are initial message, image and character, maybe with the inciting incident. I could see a journey to follow although not very clearly in terms of where it will go, but still we had the characters and there was a history.

The Aiden character appears to rescue Abby then die in a church because of some devil thingy. i assume this will be a driver.

all the best


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leitskev
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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Hadley has been in the spotlight a lot this past year or two.

The writer here does some good things with images, and does some things that effectively build a sense of intrigue. There is certainly potential. The huckster psychic who also has occasional real visions is always cool, I like those kind of characters. We get the sense that whatever happened to her, she was forced to become a survivor, and she's therefore a scrappy, active protagonist.

And yet she remains actively stalked by her past, her destiny perhaps. She can't hid from it. A well worn but always effective formula.

With the number of simple spelling, typing, and grammar mistakes here, I get the sense this was written at the wire. We'll see where you can take it with a little more time.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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I thought I like this one. I wanted to. I like the writing and I thought it started off intriguing. However, by the time I finished on page 10, I realized I was actually confused and had no idea what was going on. I think you got something here that could be a good feature, but as it is right now, I think you try to cram too much into the 1st 10 pages. We start out with a farmhouse in the beginning then move on to the séance then on to the church with Aiden and Chiron and then back to Abby who apparently has a kid. Put all that together in 10 pages and it's not clear what was going on. Since this is just the beginning of a longer story, I am sure that you know how it will all play out and that it makes sense to you, but for me the reader I am lost at this point.

Page 1. Interesting, I've never heard a two-story house being called a double story house before.

Slight confusion here, you say 3 men stomp into the room, but only 2 are mentioned. Who is the third one and what is he doing?

Page 2. Small typo. "Breath"...

Page 7. Typo. Altar - alter…


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Dreamscale
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hard to say why exactly, but this didn't do anything for me.  I really don't know what's supposed to be going on and/or why we'd care.

The writing is so full of grammar issues and mistakes - maybe had something to do with my overall feelings.

As someone else said, there's too much going on here that doesn't seem to be related.  It just doesn't feel like a real opening to a feature and I don't buy much of what I read.
Definitely not the worst, but needs quite a bit of thought and attention.

Good effort.
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Forgive
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
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Really expected this to bomb after reading the log-line, but it took me in right away.

Nice move from tranquil to chaotic early on.

I'd have liked to have seen 'The door BURSTS..' on a separate line.

# goes limp for a beat...
Springs awake
-- confused a bit, maybe -

# goes limp for a beat...
...springs awake

- but this is a nice scene to come into - conflict and intrigue.

Comma use, now and again.

Apart from that, this was really good - lots of angles going on, lots of suggested story-lines. Writing was tight and to the point - dialogue was nice and punchy and adapted well to its context.

Strong entry. Good stuff.
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RJ
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
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First off, I think the dialogue flows nicely. I can see where things are going with it but I agree with the others about understanding it.  

SPOILERS

*On page 2 - when you said that Abby opens her eyes, I thought she was laying down until I read furthur on.  The scene would flow better if you described the room and that Abby was sitting at a table.
Plus I don't understand why Chloe and Billy are initially of screen when they are sitting directly beside Abby - visually I don't think that works.
*At the church when Aiden starts talking to Chiron - I was thinking 'Who's Chiron?'. It would possibly work better if you introduced and said where he was in the church first. He can still remain off screen to start.

With a good re-read you should be able to fix all of the typo's - there are a few.

I skimmed the rest, have to go, sorry, but all in all I think it has loads of potential.  

You have me intrigued. I'd love to read more.
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rdhay
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
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Hi A relatively easy read, so props for that. The downer for me, though, was that I really didn't get what was going on. I imagine you were going for the less is more approach as far as the exposition, but it doesn't quite work here. That said, I do exactly the same thing, so no stress

Good luck with the rewrite!
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irish eyes
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
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Maybe it`s the late night, but it wasn`t really happening for me, the descriptions and dialogue were pretty tight for an OWC.

The logline was longwinded, could be re-worded IMO.
A few grammar mistakes here and there.

sorry not my favorite


Mark


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wonkavite
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 10:11pm Report to Moderator
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I like where this may be going (depends, of course, what happens after page 10.)  I might have been inclined to find this boring - until the twist where is became obvious that Abby's in it for the con (or so she thinks.)  You've got alot of threads started here, a lot of different story lines - and they could be a very interesting mix if you continue with it.  Kudos - keep this one going....
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CoopBazinga
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
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A nice read, liked the opening page at the farm house. The writing was okay, could be better but very tight none the less. A few typo’s and missing words hanging around, easy fixes and I’ll be honest and say most have had a typo or two, seems a lot of people rushed to get these out last minute to me?

I feel you’ve maybe tried to throw too much into these 10 pages and left it a bit unexplained but it certainly has potential and I liked that the protag is clear from the get go.

Didn’t see anything of the mother, daughter relationship stated in the logline but it’s only a small part of a bigger project, room for manoeuvre for sure.

Not the best but also not the worst I’ve read, with a bit of polishing and a rewrite there could be something here.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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greg
Posted: March 4th, 2012, 10:34pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad.  Not an amazing hook, but it had its moments.  

I absolutely couldn't stand the constant misuse of "its" and "it's".  Every time I read over the error it was like going over a speed bump.  Proofread.  

So they got a little scam going here, eh?  Okay, good interpretation of the theme.  Could be an interesting twist in there later on.  

Not bad for what it was.  Fix the punctuation errors and I'd be interested in continuing on.

Nice job.

Greg


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: March 5th, 2012, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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Good on you for weighing in on the OWC.

P. 1
Phrases like, “cute as a button” feel hackneyed to me.

P. 1
Word repetition... “window” used twice in same sentence.

P. 2
What’s a witch ball?

P. 3
Ghost writing sequence didn’t grab me...
Unsure why the assistant isn’t reading aloud while she scribbles.
That would make this scene feel much less expository...
While adding tension to the mix.
A movie called, “The Changeling” (1980) illustrates this well.

P. 7
Kip and Abby’s dialogue feels too small talkish for me...
Wish the space was more dedicated to character than plot.

Finished.
I felt this one needed more visceral action than banter.
I think it missed the mark with playing up the creep factor.
I wish the banter gave us more character insight than be all plot.

Regards,
E.D.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 7th, 2012, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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The nugget inside of this was when Abby's doing her fake thing, but something "else" is happening, something "real" is happening to her. I'd like to see you play up that scene.

You probably should know that I had some trouble with the read and am going back over it to see why. I realize now what you were going for on that first page with that action vibe to start, but it's confusing on the page for me because I'm coming in empty and it's still just names and MEN and explosions and fire and I don't know what it's about.

Page 2 doesn't help me either because when Abby asks, "What's happening?" Aiden answers "Don't look child." And for me I'm waiting for some kind of clue then, but it didn't come. After that...

I'm now needing to get a handle on Chloe and Billy; so you can see it's hard for me since I still haven't got a handle on our protag yet. Even though Abby is the protag, and even though she's introd by name, she still feels just like some nameless little girl inside of calamity. It doesn't help that she was introd using "cute as a button" I don't think, but that aside, I think the problem for me was dealing with the names coming fast and furious in this script and not quite having a grasp of things.

Note that on the first page:

>The door BURSTS open with force.

You don't need the with force part.

Page 2 starts with the apartment Billy, Abby, Cloe, Kip scene and in my opinion it's far too long without some kind of breaks and diversions.

Page 7 you have "alter" for "altar".

Maddy and Abby are far too similar and drive readers batty. I'm ducking now.  

But all and all I think this is good work for and OWC.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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nawazm11
Posted: March 8th, 2012, 12:32am Report to Moderator
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Love the title, it's got a great feel to it.

Some of the dialogue on page 6 is painfully on the nose for me . "They're becoming more frequent, vivid." Dunno why Kip would just assume something like that.

The writing was good for the most part but the last 2 pages looked very rushed to me.

It looked as if you were building up to something but in the end, I felt nothing really happened. I liked the transition from the first scene to the next, had a Mystic River feel to it.

I think the problem here was that you didn't have enough space to put all the information into 10 pages. It comes off a little dull. All I'm left asking with is "Why?" A lot is happening here but it doesn't seem important. Maybe if I read a little more I would know?

Your writing painted a clear picture in my head, especially for your scenes.

An enjoyable read though. A few more pages would've told us a little more about what's going on but who am I to decide that.

Good job.
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