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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2012 OWC  ›  A Mother's Legacy - OWC
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  Author    A Mother's Legacy - OWC  (currently 2964 views)
CindyLKeller
Posted: March 8th, 2012, 8:00am Report to Moderator
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I think this is a good start, but it needs a little work yet to make it tighter, clearer.

I also think why it is confusing is because of the many characters introduced in the  few pages. I dunno, maybe I should read it again to be sure.

The dialogue could use a bit of a polish. I felt it dragged the story down. Maybe throw some more shocks in there. Maybe when Abby is talking to Kip after the reading, when he wants to know if she is "seeing" things, I wouldn't have him ask her and her answer him. I would have her do something so he would know. Maybe have her say something to him, then his phone would ring and the person on the other end would say the exact same thing that she just said to him. Leave him stumped as she walks away.

I think that would have a bigger impact than just asking and telling.

BUT I do like where I see the story is going and I think you could make this into something pretty neat.

When I say congrats on the OWC I mean it. So, congrats.

I hope you continue with this and write a feature.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Leon
Posted: March 8th, 2012, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hi

i'm not gonna be able to be as helpful as the others being a newbi, this is the first of the Feb OWC i've looked at and I've not read many features on top of that.  However the one thing I can say is that I would happily read on and you've definitely caught my attention.  

I'm not massive about monsters and whatnot (which makes this OWC not really my cup of tea), but I would like to see how the mother daughter relationship plays out.  The dialog felt pretty natural to me, though I found Kips comments on Abby's visions a bit expository.  

I'm a little hazy on what kind of genre this is, whether this will be more of a drama (I keep thinking of "ghost" because of the fake mystic thing) or more towards action (it does seem to me like it is heading this way).  Lastly I'm not sure I like Abby at the moment, her ripping off people,  I'm hoping she has some more likeable elements to her.  

Will definitely like to check out the finished product.

Leon


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 13th, 2012, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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Asn mentioned, a number of grammar and spelling errors, most of which are overlooked from good old spellcheck because the words are spelled right but used ibn the wrong context. Happens to everyone. The Its and it's business I always feel is overrated in terms of screenwriting, yes, it's incorrect, but it's not enough to burn me up. There are worse things people havve been known to do in writing. That said, if you decide to continue...fix it.

Fact, what burned me up was "to be continued" part at the end.
I found the writing to be good, nothing that knocked me out.
Logline is poor. But...for a OWC it's suffice.


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Hugh Hoyland
Posted: March 13th, 2012, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad, I'm no grammar cop so that looks ok IMO.

Story could have been a little more "together" though. The premise is sound, with some work coud be a feature n doubt.

This has potential, keep at it.

Good jo

HGW


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Hugh Hoyland
Posted: March 13th, 2012, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry but I'm using my bro's lap top. half the keys dont seem to work and it does other strange stuff too


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steven8
Posted: March 14th, 2012, 3:42am Report to Moderator
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Very good start.  Clean, clear writing.  I understand what's going on.  Well done on Abbey's background, past and present.  Nifty idea of having her fake the witch thing with her real powers coming to her in spurts.  Unless she does know, but plays the charlatan for money?  I don't which, but I like the clean, crisp start.


...in no particular order
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CoopBazinga
Posted: March 19th, 2012, 10:09am Report to Moderator
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I'm not going to go into individual comments but I do want to thank everyone for their feedback and comments. I can only apologise for the many grammar errors on display, it was a rushed entry but that it no excuse.

It's been a great learning experience and I want you to know that all comments have been duly noted and will help with my future work.

Appreciate you all slugging through and giving this a go, Thanks.

Looking forward to the next OWC where I hope to improve.

Steve
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