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Why didn't I see this one earlier? It's like it was under one of those Star Trek shields or something. The title's good. I guess I just missed it. Anyways, I'm impressed with the writing and it leaves off on a note that makes us wonder.
I just couldn't get into this one at first. The dialogue between grandmother and granddaughter felt very unnatural...
"It's freaking-ass raining out there." I couldn't see someone saying that in a million years. Especially not a 9 year old girl. I don't know if this is an attempt at creating slang (like Juno), but it didn't work for me. Every other line I kept thinking if these characters would ever say these things. Alana was a little too sarcastic in her tone for a 9 year old. It makes her sound more like a 15 year old at times.
"Cause I need a prophecy fulfilled" seems awfully expository for a grown man to be telling a little girl but then again, he wasn't exactly being truthful.
I really liked the scene at the end and the end in general. This is where the story really begins. I think making the little girl get jelly beans was kind of a lame excuse for her to leave.
It also raises the question. If Vito is planning on killing Sybil, why would he tell her granddaughter he's going to her house and then leave her to tell the cops who was there... He even gave her his real name and where he is from. He's smarter than that, isn't he?
I think this could be good if you fix these things up.
Good luck!
'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
Story-wise, I really enjoyed this. It's an odd match of genres; like a gangster movies meets a fortune teller. I was disappointed after the 10 pages because I'm not sure grandma is dead... maybe she is, maybe she isn't... but I'm looking forward to seeing the outcome.
The writing style didn't bother me - infact, I enjoyed it. My own style of writing involves orphans, so it doesn't bother me.
The only negatives I found were the dialogue between Sybil and Alana and their relationship between themselves - Sybil seemed very mean and Alana did not sound like a 9 year old - there may be a reason for it - but let's wait and see.
The scenes with the mafia and Sybil were great. Loved them.
Spell out the word. Drop the $. Symbols and abbrivations for narrative and dialog are my number one pet peeve. Number one with a bullet. You are a writer. Write out bill. Spell out numbers under a hundred.
"Also on the sign" - an afterthought. When you show me what's on the sign, show me. Don't add something to it after the wind blows. It reads careless to me.
Sometimes Vito says 'ya' and sometimes 'you'. Keep it you. Some orphans- but I didn't mind too much...(fix em anyway)
I don't think it's great as some make it out to be, but it's not terrible. I think there's something to work with here....evebn if my above problems boiled my skin.
Alana (who is obviously a modern day Scout Finch) is a wonderful portrayal of a little girl is too old for her years, and has a hard time hiding it. Probably when she's around someone she's too close to.
Her grandmother used the potion malarky to get rid of here before trouble arrived.
The gangsters are my favorite kind -- cliche.
I can't wait for Alana to take her revenge! This one really felt like it had the legs to keep on walking for a hundred more pages.
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A Walk on the Wicked Side - OWC
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