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I gotta tell you, I was really disliking this early on. Starting with an INT/EXT Slug is just such lazy writing. Then you go into a non labeled dream scene that runs over a page. I was rolling my eyes and ready to get to the end as quick as I could.
BUT...
You pulled it together and this started really feeling like a cinematic experience. A story kicked up out of nowhere and my opinion started to change.
The action/horror scene in the pub is both good and ridiculous, but you do pull it off effectively, and end up leaving me looking forward for more.
Writing looks like this was really rushed. Needs some attention here and there, but not bad at all, all things considered.
This feels like a B-Level horror movie, and don't take that the wrong way, cause there's nothing wrong with B grade horror. But, I thought the genre had to be literally anythign but horror? You can call it anythign you want to, but in my book, there's no way this ain't horror.
A good effort any way you look at it, though. Good job!
Hmmmm. I think this one has potential. Well/competently written, like most of the OWC that I've read thus far (we don't seem to have any badly formatted stories this time around - probably due to this one being limited to board members. Just a theory.)
There's an awful lot packed into this one - too much, really, for ten pages. But then, if it's expanded to feature length (which this one could be), it could be drawn out at a more leisurely pace.
Only two constructive criticisms here:
1) The story's close to being over the top for my tastes. Though the slug visual was interesting.
2) Um, thought horror wasn't allowed? You could call this fantasy/thriller...but it's skirting a very thin line here...
Starting with the fire rescue was good. Perhaps a brief passage with the firemen before so we can feel concerned about them in the fire. I also suggest a brief moment in the fire when Mayers sees something. Then the roof collapses.
In the dream, you do want the audience to realize it's a dream until later but the reader can be told ahead of time. Consider a tie in to the demon.
The bathroom scene is over the top. (I liked it). Horror-like sequence but more like MIB.
What captivated me about this was the high tech witchery. Hope there's more of that.
I liked this. I think it's going in a good direction.
I got worried for a second when the bathroom scene seems to turn to fart humor. Don't get me wrong, I think farts are hilarious. It just thought this script wasn't the place for a huge fart rip.
My biggest issue here is with the scene where they revisit the burned house. The first thing I noticed (or was led to believe) is that they walk into the house but you never give us an INT. slug line. Most importantly though, why did they need to go back there? The only point of the scene was for Mayers to tell Lopez that he saw the devil. It didn't seem like revisiting the scene of the sighting was Necessary fo that.
Overall, great job. I like whee you're taking us.
'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
Congrats on finishing the 10 pages - I liked this, although I have some questions.
I was a little confused at first as to who the protagonist is - and I still am, a little. We open with McCormick - so naturally, I thought he was the protag. Then we move to Mayers and he seems to be the protagonist. Or is it Lopez?
For tone - this feels like an episode of Supernatural. Everything flows well, except for the whole bathroom scene in the Pub. Did not like that at all. The fart, the confusion, the phone call to McCormick (wasn't he there? where did he go?). Felt out of place.
The hospital scene was good - I actually enjoyed it.
I liked Lopez' introduction, though I'm not sold on the data pad. And the bike. Not sure I liked the visual of her on the bike.
As mentioned above, this feels like it could make a Supernatural-like episode or feature. Not too dark, not too light.
The first nurse coming in and slicing his arm open...was that a dream??
Lopez, is there to ask questions but she doesn't really ask but one or two then leaves?? Then later we find out she's the witch...now I'm thinkin' maybe she's the protag....
Then the killer fart....don't really think you needed this..wasn't really funny didn't do much for me with that line...
One minute he's at the urinal..then turns around to look at the stall..then he turns a knob(on the exit door?) then...he bends over and sees the bikers closed. *this scene was sort of run together for me...was the stall door closed or opened? I had a hard time visualizing this even though it very much caught my interest. Just needs to be hashed out better I think.
Data pad...witches....not sure about all that...modern maybe but I doubt a witch would need a data pad...
The demon eyes on his chest...kinda strange.
Look forward to reading on if you make this a feature just to see what happens.
I think this one had a lot going for it in terms of working the action. That's hard to do and I think you did it very well. I found it very visual. I want to let you in on my thoughts when I started the read because this might help you if you plan to keep going on this.
It wasn't totally clear for me who was doing the saving. I had initially thought that Mathers had fell down through a collapsed floor, been buried in flames and then died, but it turns out he was in a Twilight Zoney type of hell when at the hospital. That was my initial take on it, but I wasn't sure.
What I know now, is that the beginning doesn't work with some of what is entertained in the script. For instance: Mathers said he saw the devil. We didn't see him see anything in that opening sequence. Since it's apparently very important to the story, I think we should see his reaction to "something", even if we don't see it.
It's my opinion that you spoiled the tone of this with the short biker in the bathroom scene. It came off as being comic when you surely didn't begin it with a hint of that flavor. I'm guilty of doing the same thing very often. I think it's important to try and squeeze some kind of comedy in in that first minute if you are going to go that far in that direction later on. Who knows the human psychology of that one, but that's my feelings on the matter anyways.
I think you've very much succeeded in pulling off a very good OWC.
Your opening slug should have been INT., as we are inside the burning hallway. They you move to an outside shot near the ambulance without any change in scene heading. A good, action-packed start, though.
Very odd cut from the scene outside the hospital as McCormick and Ryan approach the SUV, directly to the men's room of a bar. Felt like a missing scene. Is Ryan there with McCormick? If so, where are McCormick and the other bar patrons when the slug beast attempts to bust through the door and Ryan and Lopez flee?
The story seemed a bit muddled early on and I found my interest fading, but I think the writing became sharper when Lopez saves Ryan from the slug creature. Agree with the others on the fart joke. Kinda hard to take a demon seriously after that. I think that scene would have worked better with a truly horrific encounter with the supernatural.
Definitely has the feel and pacing of an action flick. The title works well with the theme and characters.
The start definitely gave another vibe but I loved how you got to the ten pages.
Everything's been mentioned already so I don't want to repeat. This was pretty damn good, one of my favourites but I felt you revealed everything too quick.
In 10 pages we have this chase happening with demons and slugs and witches, the whole lot. Maybe it was the page limit, I dunno, still, a great script.
This was a little over the top for my tastes. There were things I liked, though. Let's start there.
I liked the biker demon who leaves behind his skin and pants. That could be a cool demon.
Where I really got lost, and had to go back and reread to make sure I didn't miss something, was in the men's room when he calls for help. Ok, so you're in the men's room, and something suddenly smells real bad. I mean worse than a regular bar. I've been in that situation, but that's a story for another time.
So it smells God awful, and then you notice the biker in the stall has left his pants and his skin behind. Time to leave. Good call.
But the door handle falls off. Rather convenient when stuff like that happens in a story, but let's allow it. So what do you do? I think you start looking for a way to open the door. But maybe you're inclined to call your buddy inside and tell him to come get you, it stinks in here.
But he doesn't pick up. You gotta call someone else. 911? The fire department? And you're a fire fighter, you know the number. No, you take a business card out that some chick at the hospital gave you and call her. That's what made me go back and read. I could not at all understand that decision. I still can't.
And see, once something like that happens in a script, no matter how good things may get, you're always expecting something completely random like that to happen. Just one strange story choice, and you give up your credibility with the reader.
Because in general, the writing was fine here. And I'm cool with the idea that the demon has picked this guy for something, and that's why he survived the fire. Yeah, I like that. That could be cool. And then we got those little biker demons in pain running around. You got potential here.
A story is only as good as its weakest link sometimes. Unless I'm missing something, you need to address the bathroom phone call. Maybe she should just show up and save him. Actually, she should show up in the bar, he should hit on her, she should shoot him down, and then a minute later, save him in the men's room. Now we're talking! I used to find chicks in the men's room at my bar sometimes. Nice girls.
I have to say that this one is right my alley, the kind of story I like to read and watch. The writing wasn’t without its faults but writing action is difficult so kudos on making this as clean as you did.
Think you need to cut back on Mccormick at the beginning or add an earlier scene with Mayers in as well because I personally thought Mccormick was the portag early on but it become apparent he isn’t. Actually he didn’t even need to be in that scene leaving the hospital because then I have to ask the question. Where did he go? Was he in the pub when Mayers and Lopez storm out?
Also the scene in the men’s room, although it was visually pretty good it had a few problems for me. I would get rid of the fart sequence, not fitting with the rest of the scene, too comedic. So why didn’t the biker just go up behind Mayers and grab him instead of entering the stall and changing or transforming, guess it’s like Superman and the phone booth, hide his identity right?
All in all, I enjoyed this and look forward to see where you’re taking it, lots of potential to go forward.
Lopez didn't rub me the right way. Also, "tell me what the hell is going on" is an overly used cliche that I can't stand. I think it's used twice in here. I just feel there's better things to say, but that's just me.
Twisted dream. Kind of bizarre sequence in the bathroom but I'll buy it. And good concept with Mayers seeing Satan. Things ended with a good setup for continuing.
Title - not bad, pretty powerful and gives a decent connection of the firefighter and the powers at play
Logline - Not bad but kinda missing why, what could happen, the journey etc, but it is snappy and does give a birds eye view.
Story
Well, well. I don't want copy another, but Jeff pretty much got there first.
At the beginning the slugs etc were poor and I don't mean that in a format nazi way, but more of I was trying to work out where I was, where we were going. A simple INT then EXT for the ambulance would work fine. At that point I had low expectations.
But...then it got going and went all over the place. A nurse cutting him open - liked that alot, really did surprise and give a feeling of wtf- with a biker who craps his skin and turns into a slug - less keen on this but memorable.
My thought is that you can start a film with an action scene but you then need to pause and reveal character. Think terminator etc. this didn't give enough time to character development who the protag was etc, but it was a decent start and I see the makings of a feature script in here.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Appears an initial flaw to the premise - may work its way out. I don't know why Mayers stands nad wave s- would he just get himself out?
I didn't like the samsh cut - why not a mini and have Mayer bolting upright?
I quite like the intruige brought in by Lopez - I like her dialogue as well - sounds a bit like a line from James Bond - the sort of thing I'm likely to say...
# The two men approach an SUV, watched by a dark figure on a parked motorcycle. -- Sounds like he's watching the SUV?
Okay - I can see it working as an action thriller - it ain't deep, but it sets itself up well, and there was lots of early action, and this intertwined well with all the necessary exposition to let the reader/viewer know what they needed to know.
I really like this one Reminds me of Cassandra Clare's books (yes, YA reads are my guilty pleasure...). I could totally see this being extended to a feature. Sure there are a few things that need work, but overall you've done a really good job at getting the reader into your story world.
Great start! Looks like it's going to be action/thriller type, which I enjoy so I'll state my biases up front.
I did find the beginning a little murky as to who was the protag, but I'm not sure whether that's a big thing.
I didn't like the "everything you know is a lie" line. That feels clichéd to me, but then I'm a fan of TV shows like Buffy and Supernatural, where this sort of thing is par for the course. Not sure if there's a fresher way to convey this.
I know the loud fart threw a lot of people but I had no problems with it. He's in the bathroom and this dude lets a really loud one rip, causing him to look over, which then lets him notice the slug creature. Not sure why he had to be a small biker though, maybe that's the straw that breaks the camel's back in terms of the scene having the wrong tone to people?
I do wonder why seeing a demon slug prompted him to call this random stranger he just met rather than just get the hell out of dodge. Maybe it would be better if she mentions demon slugs during their meeting, he blows it off then? At least then there's more of a connection.
Then again, movies seem to do this sort of thing all the time, so I don't know if it's a huge problem.
So I'm definitely interested in reading more. Good job and I hope you continue!
Hi I liked the concept here, unfortunately I didn't enjoy this as much as I had hoped. Personally I felt there was far too much crammed into such a small space of time. I think every scene had some element of action or something high octane going on with very little depth, it felt kind of one note. I didn't feel your characters had much personality or voice to them.
But then again this is early days, and while each action element was interesting in their own right, they were stacked so closely together. I'm guessing that the ten page limitation had something to do with that. I was hoping for something more along the lines of your firefighter suffering some deeper psychological trauma associated with his occupation, or at least something related to the mind set of a firefighter (not just putting out the fires), hopefully that's still to come.
These ten pages were a LOT of fun. grabbed me and pulled me right along. This would be like an extended Spielberg's Amazing Stories, and I NEVER missed that show!! Not one.
I like the charcters and the action. The writing is clear and I never got lost in what was happening.
Are you going to finish this for the 7WC? I'd sure like to read it.
Your first scene is confusing. I see this as trying to direct without saying so and therefore it comes off as cluttered to me. Give your very first firefighter a name so I know who he is and later I can follow him throught this scene and not be confused later when names are introduced.
Checks his arm but finds nothing...is his arm gone? If not, do you see how important words are?
Okay, nice set up. This could surely be something bigger. Of course Lopez will tell Mayers why he's been marked on page 11 so Mayers can ask why and Lopez can say he's the last son in a long line of whatch thingy and only he can break the spell that's bringing on the end of the world, aka, Ghost Busters. But that's not a bad thing.
I think you need to pare your style a bit by cutting down on action. Too succinct. Breaks flow. But that's just me.
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Hellfire - OWC
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