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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2018 Two Week Challenge  ›  # Gen (was The 13th Generation) - 2WC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    # Gen (was The 13th Generation) - 2WC  (currently 4121 views)
SteveUK
Posted: February 4th, 2018, 5:29am Report to Moderator
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I didn’t particularly like this one, especially the way it is written - it comes across as too cute and the humour in the writing feels forced.

I found the story quite confusing, and in the end had no idea what it was about. I completely missed the major world event change, if there was one.

There were a lot of errors throughout, which there usually are in short challenges, but these were frequent and quite glaring errors.

Sorry to say that this one isn’t for me, but congratulations on getting an entry completed.
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Shakey
Posted: February 5th, 2018, 5:00am Report to Moderator
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I’m sorry - I just didn’t get it. What was this about? Not sure what the Brave New World element is too.

I think the humour is in how the characters are focused on inconsequential and banal stuff. But as a viewer, you need something distinct to be elevated from all that to keep you interested - which perhaps I missed.

It’s easy to criticise when you don’t really get a story. But, to this writer’s credit for sure, there is a consistent world going on here. It felt like we’re in a place, plus it felt like that place makes sense to the characters who inhabit it. That’s a good thing.

I feel like I didn’t read this hard enough, to be honest. I didn’t get into the groove, and perhaps that’s the writing, or perhaps it’s just my bad.
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CameronD
Posted: February 6th, 2018, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
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David is 0 years old?

In the elevator, are they on their phones? Starring into space? hard to know the way the action is written.

ep of Cake Wars? Type or is that text speak?


"Men and women over 30 are dressed professionally like David. Everyone else are Kayslee and Wilson clones. Some of them wear headsets, negotiating some sort of deal. Most of them are doing texts on smart phones. Those with neither are the have nots. We won’t talk about them much. They are just in the way."Passages like this make make me wonder if this is a new writer? Pisser? Just having fun with the challenge?

Pg. 4 So far this is a setting but not a story.




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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: February 10th, 2018, 12:22am Report to Moderator
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The OWC - even with a little extra time was a doozy.  

  I don�t think I'm good at alt history fiction. Also, the interpretation of the guidelines �must be set in present day� is, as I expected, a problem. Without some explanation of what changed and how such change may (or may not) have caused other changes then most of our readers will be clueless. But I didn�t expect that to be a focal point in the majority of comments for nearly all the entries.

Maybe there should have been a time travel thing, where in most filmsand TV shows, our protags will find out the changes. But in examining those stories, it usually is the result of not historical figures making changes, but rather characters made up for that show or movie. And is the change for the better or worse?

My original thought was going to be �what if the Las Vegas mob went legit and never killed Bugsy Siegel?� Where Ben Siegel decided never to borrow Mob money again, and by example, the wiseguys decided not to skim off profits from the Casinos. Las Vegas would continue on as History says with that one alteration.

Seigel would run for Mayor and win. Then set his sights on Governor. The FBI would turn a blind eye and be more concerned with the Red Threat (Communism) Howard Hughes would not buy hotels and �save� Vegas. Vegas would flourish. More business would come near the area, including Silicon Valley not being in San Francisco, but near Boulder City.

Siegel would lose his bid as Governor, but the mobster turned real estate-casino visionary would set his sights on The White House.

And....wait A minute. You mean I�m not even close to present day yet? When my story kicks in, if characters don�t know history has changed, they would not even notice. Also, writing wise, I�m a week in and haven�t even cracked the blank page yet because I don�t know where to begin. But instead of throwing out the baby with the bathwater, I took ONE change and made it the focal point of the script. That being, of course,

What if Silicon Valley saved the Motor City
Sure, it�s not in Vegas, but there are  closed factories, no decaying houses, etc. The combination of giants like GM, Chrysler ,and Ford merging with Silicon Valley was a better starting point and I still had a full week to write. And because it was simple in premise, it was easier to write.

The change was alluded to in the script twice.
So how was it missed?  Easy. �Skimming� So in the revision I�m going to do something I hate. A title card telling you what went down in history.

The Title Page. Normally, I don�t do title pages like that. But in past OWCs I noticed that many others have tinkered with the title page but the scripts turned out just fine. Just this once, I�ll do it too.

Me? I get raked. I was just having a little fun, nothing more.
Obviously, the redo title page will have my real name on it, so yes, that will be cleaned up.

The title, The 13th Generation is in reference to the model of Ford Thunderbirds, which stopped historically (for now) at the 11th generation (2005) so my thought would be �present day� it wold be going on the 13th Gen by now.

LC
I was unaware of the essays by  Neil Howe and Bill Strauss (13TH GEN Abort, Retry, Ignore, Fail?) it�s by co-incidence only. In any case, after looking into it, then I couldn�t use the Cake Wars joke (originally it was Game Of Thrones, but I thought Cake Wars would be funnier) or the �you tube viral BMX fail� throwaway as that book suggests that the �baby boomer� gen would want to Clean up entertainment.  So in another thread, peeps were talking about the titles of the scripts. I said, yeah, maybe I should change it. (but my joke at time �Wheat From The Chaff� might not do me any favors anyway)

*****

Moving along...


The entire point of the characters under 30 (or even 25) was that they sadly fit most of the (sadly sometimes justified) stereotypes that seem to have been assigned to them, just upped a few notches to the point of parody. They would be annoying. They would be narcissistic. Half of what they say is important to others and/or the story, the other half not but it does reinforce their characters as being self-centered, whether they know it or not.

And yes, I thought it was funny as hell if office memos got hijacked by office texting. And that most of the work floor would be crowded, and people can be lost in it rather quickly if they don�t keep up the pace.

As some of you may recall, my 3 key sometimes sticks, so I have to go to the numbers pad to the left to type in 3. And in a proofread, it was missed. Right out of the gate no less. Guilty! Back to the stockades I go!

I'd  like to thank all for giving it a read.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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Stumpzian
Posted: February 10th, 2018, 11:40am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Stumpzian

The "change" in this script (maybe) is that Thunderbird did not cease production in 2005 during the so-called Eleventh Generation of the model. Hence the title, signaling some period in the future.
This appears to be the backdrop for the story involving text-obsessed workers. The dialogue isn't bad -- nutty but not bad.

P.S.
Pontiac, also in the script, ceased production a few years ago.


Glad I was SOMEWHAT on the right track.



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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: February 28th, 2018, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
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What's changed?

#Gen is a better title. Also lessens confusion over "13th Generation" title. Even the car isn't mentioned as being a 13th generation.And of course, no gimmick on the title page.

Typos...especially the nasty David in his 0s.

An opening title card loosely explains the setting.
One narrative line is out, a character mentions it anyway ("How'd you get that car in here?")

A minor problem which no one mentioned in the previous incarnation but I caught during the rewrite is fixed. And no, I'm not going going to tell you what it it was. So there.

As for the secret gift...It is no longer a crappy mug.







"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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eldave1
Posted: March 1st, 2018, 11:32am Report to Moderator
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Darren - gave it a read. Couple of nit issues:

DAVID (30s) strolls through the doors.


Quoted Text
Well, actually, it’s no big deal. Kayslee buries her face
back to her text messages.

KAYSLEE
Hey, Dave, Just let ‘em know you’re
on your way up.

DAVID
They already know, but thanks.


I would have Dave coming in head down buried in phone - so we know he's distracted.

Throughout - I had some difficulty tracking when people were texting vs. talking - perhaps texts in italics or something.  


Quoted Text
WILSON
But I’m not THE MVP. I’m not even
VP. And nobody texted me about Dave
getting promtoeed.


promoted.

I like the premise - but not a fan of the story. It's kind of the same beat repeated over and over and had a hard time getting by the fact that the auto industry, like silicon valley, is high tech these days - i.e, there would not be that much of a difference from a technological perspective

Coincidentally, I have lived in both Detroit and the Silicon Valley - the biggest difference between the two are (1) cultural and (2) economics (3) weather. So back to your premise - I think it's too big for a short and would work much better as a feature or a series for that matter. i.e., A Silicon valley giant buys a depressed automaker in Detroit and moves it's people there to run the operations. The humor and contrast can come from those workers adaptation to the Detroit environment. e.g., you can buy two dozen houses for the price on one - imagine a silicon valley employee just buying up a block. The search for a five star seafood restaurant, Duncan Donuts coffee vs. Gourmet coffee, Mercedes and BMWs vs. pick-up trucks with gun racks, etc. etc. Long winded way of saying I think the premise works much better if it's the fish out of water approach - a group of silicon valley millennials transferred to economically depressed Detroit and how they go about making a life there.

Just spitballing




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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FrankM
Posted: March 1st, 2018, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
Just spitballing


Detroit Techie and Silicon Valley Techie enter a coffee shop.

S.V. TECHIE
But they cut my pay, said the cost of living was lower. How can I possibly live on this?

D. TECHIE
Heartless, ain't it? They got me training my replacement. Just write down all the stuff you spend money on, and figure out what you don't need.

S.V. TECHIE
I'll try.
(scans the sandwich case)
Hey, what are all these little specks on the price cards?

D. TECHIE
Decimal points.


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