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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2018 Two Week Challenge  ›  Brave New World - Scripts of the 2WC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Brave New World - Scripts of the 2WC  (currently 8420 views)
PrussianMosby
Posted: January 29th, 2018, 7:41am Report to Moderator
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Loglines: 0-3 points

Signal Fire: 0,5 (too few character and clear plot)

A New Plan For Fat Man: 1,5 (this concept feels uneven regarding the title, its listing as drama, and the logline; the logline itself isn't written bad btw).

Fire and Water: 2 (not so into the information but it reads sound (@ define genre clearly))

Sapere Aude: 2 (the whole concept is a bit of a wild card, I like it; logline might miss some definite plot connectors)

Miss Yemmie: 1,5 (the last part communicates a bit inconsistence although it's massively ironic of course, reads like a comedy btw)

Not Even God Himself: 1,5 (it's too empty, I think you should give away the definite threat and address the main characters some more)

Operation Downfall: 1,5 (high concept, could be interesting, but lacks real plot attractors like characters and definite storyline)

The Broken Kingdom: 2 (you can write that shorter, even get it in one sentence -- a quick take of mine-- "In an alternate timeline in which Guy Fawkes blew up parliament and overthrew the monarchy, on its annual celebration, half a millennium later, a French-American businessman finds himself on the run from terrorists after he inadvertently commits an act of heresy. -- It's still a 2 as is since it sounds fun @ the problem with the title I had is that it's too often used as a metaphorical term so that it could be everything and actually appears everywhere. This "realistic" context of terminology feels much more interesting; but make it touchable through the title that you mean the actual Kingdom of England).

The 13th Generation: 1 (I cannot interpret the substance clearly since the first and second part feel unconnected)

Full Circle: 0 (subsequent filing to be expected)

Olympic: 2 (simple but clear, some more story characteristics would multiply expression and expectations)


@ total score logline and title, 6 points max, top 3

Not Even God Himself 4,5
Sapere Aude 4,5
Miss Yemmie 4




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PrussianMosby  -  January 29th, 2018, 8:02am
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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 29th, 2018, 8:37am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from khamanna
Thinking about it - Operation Downfall sounds good to me too.

And I noticed I picked those Alex didn't like as much. Interesting - proves once again you can't please them all. Although possibly there are some strong titles out there everyone bound to like.

I like a title tell me a little what the script is going to be about. For example, Operation Downfall is either a war script or somehow related to a war. I get that solely from the title.
Broken Kingdom I'm guessing is about politicians.
13 Generations - this one just sounds intriguing, maybe because it suggests some kind of mystery.

A New Plan For Fat Man suggests a slapstick comedy. So, I might check that one out.
Miss Yemmie - actually this one is not bad for me at all. It tells me it's going to follow a limited number of characters and I like that.
Full Circle - I read and can't comment since I already know what it's about.
Sapere Aude - I read. But the title doesn't tell me anything, I don't understand it and that's why it can't be my favorite.
Not Even God Himself - not sure about this one, because it can be about many different subjects. Therefore, not my favorite title.
Signal Fire - I don't understand the phrase.



Haha, Kham, I could comment on your comments further there, very intersting field to me, but I just enjoy reading your notes, and, who dares to judge the judge anyway
Very interesting what you say about Yemmie re limited numbers of characters, true it's what Miss clearly communicates: "I'm close to character", good thought

In general, it's an important area to exchange about-

re: Not Even God Himself (my fav with Signal)
I like it because it's very ambitious. When you go like that, you better deliver, and so I like the overall courage of giving the project that 'all in meaning' articulation.

Sure it's all subjective, that's why second, third etc opinion are great to receive.

@ Signal Fire (is SOS I believe)



also this would qualify in a sense imo



also it could be used as a metaphor of those, for sure




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PrussianMosby  -  January 29th, 2018, 9:25am
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FrankM
Posted: January 29th, 2018, 10:53am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from khamanna

A New Plan For Fat Man suggests a slapstick comedy. So, I might check that one out.

I doubt it's a comedy.

Potential spoiler (though I haven't read the script yet)






"Thin Man" and "Fat Man" were the codenames for the first two atomic bomb designs. The "Thin Man" design was revised and renamed "Little Boy" before one of them was dropped on Hiroshima. Apparently in this world, no "Fat Man" was dropped on Nagasaki.




Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 29th, 2018, 10:59am Report to Moderator
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I think I've got two left to review but I'm going to have a rest and come back to these tomorrow so I can give them my full attention. Enjoying the creativity so far.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 29th, 2018, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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Lots of chatter from peeps here who haven't reviewed a single entry yet.

What' up with that shit?
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khamanna
Posted: January 29th, 2018, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from FrankM

I doubt it's a comedy.

Potential spoiler (though I haven't read the script yet)






"Thin Man" and "Fat Man" were the codenames for the first two atomic bomb designs. The "Thin Man" design was revised and renamed "Little Boy" before one of them was dropped on Hiroshima. Apparently in this world, no "Fat Man" was dropped on Nagasaki.




Oh, ok thanks. I tried to read both Of the Hiroshima Nagassaki scripts but they seem to be loaded with war stuff which is not for me at all. I'll try them again, maybe I'm wrong.

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DanC
Posted: January 30th, 2018, 2:21am Report to Moderator
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I've read them all.  Having 3 war stories, that I read in a row, was unfortunate.  

One of the biggest issues that I had was that in some cases, I had no clue what changed.  Or when it happened.

I hope the writers redo their stories and help us understand the stories better.

Having only 11 to read was pretty cool.  

I know I wrote one.  Who else wrote a story?  

What are some favs for you?  

For me, the scope of the challenge and how easy it was to read, follow, and tell a story, here were my top 3:
Miss Yemme,
Olympic,
and The Broken Kingdom.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 30th, 2018, 5:54am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC
I've read them all.  Having 3 war stories, that I read in a row, was unfortunate.  

One of the biggest issues that I had was that in some cases, I had no clue what changed.  Or when it happened.

I hope the writers redo their stories and help us understand the stories better.

Having only 11 to read was pretty cool.  

I know I wrote one.  Who else wrote a story?  

What are some favs for you?  

For me, the scope of the challenge and how easy it was to read, follow, and tell a story, here were my top 3:
Miss Yemme,
Olympic,
and The Broken Kingdom.

Dan


Dan, you may have missed some of the earlier discussions (before the scripts were posted). We recognized that it may not be possible to get across what major event hasn't happened and all the timeline changes in these short scripts. Well, not without a lot of bad exposition anyway. We kind of agreed not to score negatively on the script if this was the case and just focus on the story rather than the backstory.

War stories were always going to be an obvious choice for this challenge and I'm not surprised this is the case.

I've reviewed them all now, enjoyed what I read. My top two are Olympic and Signal Fire. I do wish more would have entered.  This was a challenge which allowed writers to really let loose the creativity and explore world building, something writers need to have exposure to these days with the new golden age of TV upon us.  

-Mark



For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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FrankM
Posted: January 30th, 2018, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from khamanna


Oh, ok thanks. I tried to read both Of the Hiroshima Nagassaki scripts but they seem to be loaded with war stuff which is not for me at all. I'll try them again, maybe I'm wrong.



Having now read it, I'm not entirely sure if the George S. Patton character wasn't intended as comic relief. The real person was so over-the-top he's hard to parody.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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FrankM
Posted: January 30th, 2018, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Lots of chatter from peeps here who haven't reviewed a single entry yet.

What' up with that shit?


I, for one, am pressed for time these weeks, and so far by the time I have anything to say someone else has already said it. It is educational for me, though, seeing both the shorts themselves (what an embrionic idea looks like rather than a polished finished script) and the reviews (what gets pointed out, what people let slide).


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 30th, 2018, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from FrankM
I, for one, am pressed for time these weeks, and so far by the time I have anything to say someone else has already said it. It is educational for me, though, seeing both the shorts themselves (what an embrionic idea looks like rather than a polished finished script) and the reviews (what gets pointed out, what people let slide).


You're fine, bro.  Comment not aimed at you.

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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 30th, 2018, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
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Jeff, haven't you noticed, at least to a degree, that I review 90% (possibly more) of the scripts from OWCs since I'm here, including those challenges I did not even enter "and" do not like, as concepted?

You'll see my name in the reviewing list for sure, no matter what… I was never an early reviewer btw.

But anyway kind regards, man.



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Dreamscale
Posted: January 30th, 2018, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from PrussianMosby
Jeff, haven't you noticed, at least to a degree, that I review 90% (possibly more) of the scripts from OWCs since I'm here, including those challenges I did not even enter "and" do not like, as concepted?

You'll see my name in the reviewing list for sure, no matter what… I was never an early reviewer btw.

But anyway kind regards, man.


I know.  It's just that these things need fuel to keep going and when reviews are low early on, things begin to fizzle and interest dies.

We good, bro!

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khamanna
Posted: January 30th, 2018, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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I've read 7 and planning to stop as the other four are on the subjects matter that is not my cup of tea at all. I left out two war scripts, a political historical fiction and the John Lennon script. I don't think my opinion will help these scripts in any way as I'm not prepared to go in with an open mind. And also I'm far from being an expert in the field of war, history or politics.

I saw many interesting concepts and fun to read scripts. Miss Yemmie gets my vote though.
But I can't vote or dish out grades as I don't have mine in the pile.

I liked quite a few actually. Not Even God Himself, Olympic, Signal Fire all nice entries. And I also liked Sapere Aude - think it's being overlooked, and the idea of it is bold and fun.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 30th, 2018, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
We good, bro!


Good to hear. I just reviewed one that I enjoyed, good quality for my taste. And will definitely give the other two I put on a "throne" in my superficial concept evaluation a shot, then see if I go through all of them or not.



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