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A History of Things to Come by 0 - Short - A man goes back in time to stop the man who went back in time to assassinate Adolf Hitler. 11 pages - pdf, format
For 10 days of work, this wasn't a bad effort. I kind of saw each twist coming as this kind of story has been done before. That's not to say that there was anything wrong with it as it was well done, overall. The dialogue kind of droned on and on and Abraham didn't really speak in the way I'd imagine an astrophysicist might. And, now, because of the world they live in, there is no more fixing the space-time continuum. Not a bad showing and there were a lot of errors, grammatical and otherwise, but for 10 days, not half-bad.
An interesting script, where the reveal is that Abraham's actions destroy the future instead of saving it. Gets a little talky for me, but not bad overall. It does leave a question ver why Peter saves the woman from being killed and killing the SS Nazi. Wouldn't it be nuts if this action resulted in Abraham Hershfeld being born? That's my only guess on this since Peter's job is to stop Abraham not to alter any more of the future.
In any case, some early signs of alarm:
Quoted Text
Which is strange, it being July and all.
How do I know it's July? Also, it's possible that if it is in the morning and that it was raining, the degrees might be low anyway. But since it it is neither, this is telling instead of showing. A SUPER would be needed to let us know what month it is, or a calandar. newspaper, etc.
I'm also curious as to when Abraham's plot to kill Hitler takes place. Peter's money is said to be 1930s. One would then assume that the surroundings are also in the 1930s. If so, there is an anachronism at play here. (Heckler & Koch was founded in 1949) also...why the suppersor? If Peter dresses up like a Nazi he could have a Luger or Walther, and go out in public. No one would think anything out of place. Right?
On a Sci-Fi level -
It is noteworthy that Abraham is 'successful'. But if the age old question is the grandfather paradox, then his future self would not go back to kill Hitler but rather prevent Hitler from being poisoned. OR it could be said that in changing the past, this results in Abraham not being a science teacher/professor and thus Peter would not be involved in Time Travel to stop a killing so...
There are positives and negatives on display here.
The writing, both technically and grammatically, is very poor. Slugs are terrible. Not remotely visually written. Very awkward in many places. Way too many wrylies used and poorly worded as well.
Dialogue is overblown and not remotely good, and because there's so much of it, it's a problem.
BUT, story-wise and even concept-wise, I think you did a great job here and with more time, this could be very solid. It does need some work, but at it's core, this shows great creativity, because you took a rather cliche subject, and made it your own.
If this was written better, I'd actually say I like it, but as it reads now, the poor writing overshadows the creativity on display. Clean it up, and you've got a nice short on your hands.
Congrats on entering and coming up with a unique approach and concept in a difficult challenge.
I understand that when Abraham or the other guy tried to assasinate Hitler and that turned Hitler into a good man. Then Abraham assasinated the good Hitler which turned out good for humanity.
That part - Hitler turning good, Abraham assasinating good Hitler - it happened way too fast. Also it all explained in a dialog which reads kind of expositional to me.
But I liked the idea. I didn't like the fact that you switched to another main character a bit too late. I'm thinking the first part should go quickly, as then Abraham turns out the man of your story.
It's surely an interesting story and the idea of it is very good. I'm just thinking you could shorten the first part, get to Abraham quicker and then make the second part a bit less expositional and work on pacing. It was fun to read.
heckler and koch not heckler and kotch... unless this is a parody, for all I know you could be right.
I'm already put off a little by this script... the German soldiers pushing around a woman in the street etc. A handy save the cat moment, to make our hero look great, and cliched to the extreme. You write well enough, it's just... ew.
Code
The Nazi does as he's told, just in time for Peter to KNOCK
him unconscious with the business end of his pistol.
The business end of a pistol is surely the barrel. Which is an unusual part of the gun to hit someone with. Either way, business end, is not very clear. Simply saying knocks him out with the gun should be enough. Most people know to turn the gun around before pistol whipping them.
Code
WOMAN
(German)
He must be stopped.
Peter looks determined.
Cheese. Kill it.
Code
ABRAHAM
(German)
From the way you're tending to my
injuries, I'd swear it was you who
shot me.
What? Why would he gather that he'd shot him just from the way he is giving the wound treatment?
Not that bad I suppose. It's a story. Needs to be better written, more thought put into it... but it works.
This is the first OWC I 've read so I'm glad it was IMO a good little script that kept me interested until the end.
I was a little confused when the woman just drifted out of the story as I thought she was going to be an important part of it. A reason for here being there would help a lot as I's a good way of understanding what Peter's all about. I like the 'headbutt' bit.
If all the OWC are as good as this, it will be fun to read them and not a chore.
From the logline, this rings somewhat closely to a Twilight Zone episode "Cradle of Darkness" a lady becomes a housemaid to the Hitler family. Her plan is to kill the infant Adolf Hitler.
Overall it was pretty good and fast paced. It was also creative of the world depicted if someone had gone back in time and killed Hitler .
Having read it, it got me thinking about time travel, and why we would seek to change something of this magntitude. To kill Hitler would surely be one of the most popular choices if you were to ask a sample group of, say 5000, what would be the first thing they'd do if they had the chance to time travel.
The idea of taking out Hitler is one that is perfect for this type of story. Hitler was able to escape punishment for his crimes, because he took the coward's way out in ending his own life. But if such a device was available, it would be mean he would be punished, either pre-emptively or otherwise, and it's a comforting thought to think justice can neer be escaped.
But of course, the sting in the tail is that it's never that simple (I liked the Planet of the Apes imagery, btw). That we must understand why events happen, and that the rise of someone like Hitler is never down to an individual, but a combination of many factors, that any single act of time travel can never undo. I think you've planted this idea very well, and it was what I took from it.
A second Hitler script, probably the 100th if you count every other that's been written. Something everybody expects with time travel being the theme and all I suppose.
"Which is strange, it being July and all" Really, I thought it was September? Actually, why would I even know if I was watching this?
You don't need to put German every time a character speaks. Just put it in italics or something so we know.
On page 7 so far and I have no clue why Peter stopped Abraham, it's just a bunch of back and forth about them repeating the same things.
Reading a little further, I suppose it does make sense why you tried to avoid it. It's just the chatter gets boring after a while.
Eerily similar to the other Hitler script. This wasn't bad either but this is probably the same twist in every Hitler/time travel script. The story is surprisingly thin but it works for what it is. Good job.
This is better in several ways than I thought it would be. Kudos.
Honestly, I saw WWII and "stopping Hitler" and just *cringed.* It's just been done way too many times already. (And no - I didn't like Inglorious Basterds.)
A few notes. Loved the title - very nice. A little bit of the phrasing was awkward. Things like "he falls unconciously to the ground". And the woman getting knocked around by the Nazis - you don't really explain that they're in a secluded alleyway or similiar. I initially was weirded out by the fact that Peter was able to openly walk up to the soldiers and knock them out. After all, he would've been shot on site. (BTW - it's a cliche bit, though it serves the 'save the cat' purpose.) And - like other readers - the "it being July" comment threw me as both being an unfilmable and not supported by the imagery.
Two other quick items: you don't cut away back to the present for the poisoning flashback, and I kind of find it difficult to believe that Peter didn't out and out tell Abraham IMMEDIATELY as to his action's reprocussions. Of course, that would have completely scuttled the story, so it's understandable that you didn't. And - of course - there's no real Cassandra Complex here... But I imagine that most of the OWCs entries won't have it....
That said, writing's pretty clean and enjoyable. And the *initial* twist (ie: when Hitler isn't shot) is very nice!! (The other one I saw coming a mile away.)
Didn't I read that the FADE IN police are out in force in this OWC - well, they've got your number and will be around to clobber you anytime in the near future if they haven't already?
"it being July and all" Super maybe? Does it matter?
"among other things" What's the other things? I'm curious now, but I'm also wondering how you fit all of that into a briefcase?
The convey passes Peter twice!
Liked the middle finger!
Do away with the "German" wrylies -- not needed at all - just have a note or something.
"He must be stopped." Who? The postman? Well, whoever it is, Peter is determined to stop him. It's not a good line at all.
"Peter walks along the road/sidewalk" I think the writing needs some sprucing up -- it's rather boring as written.
Where is Peter when Hitler is on the podium? It sounds like he's in with the crowd, but he's pulling out a pistol and attaching a silencer - nobody in the slightest bothered by this?
Peter takes the injured man back to the alley? That's not suspicious.
"I'm a pretty good shot you know." Somebody is full of themselves.
There is no need for the flashback IMO, you could have showed this first time around.
"He's getting very tired" This is not a good line -- comes straight from a nursery rhyme.
Real Planet of The Apes ending which I like.
Not bad, had a Twilight Zone/Outer Limits feel and I have feeling it must have been done before -- actually I'm pretty certain and I would have guessed there would be one script in this OWC that involved Hitler.
In saying that, I enjoyed this overall and liked the ending as a big Planet of The Apes fan. It did become a bit talky at the restaurant and the opening few pages weren't the best intro and were quite on the nose (I'll add the protestor guy at the end into that as well)
The writing does need a little polish I'm afraid but not bad for a weeks work.
Going back in time to stop Hitler is a well-worn path, but I think there’s a reason for it. You don’t have to explain to an audience why Hitler and the Nazi’s are bad. There’s nothing to set-up. It’s like using Satan in a horror film. He’s just evil. And the whole thing’s just a conduit for another message. So onwards…
That being said, you did end up spending time showing Nazi’s doing bad things, but to be honest, pushing a woman around is a little weak for the Nazis and seems more like general thug behavior. “He must be stopped” is heavy handed. Between that and your logline I wonder if I’m supposed to take this lightly.
“He does the ‘Heil Hitler’…” makes it sound like a dance move to me.
There’s no way anyone could take out a gun in the middle of that crowd, start taking potshots at or around Hitler, and still be free to tend to an injured ‘bystander’. Maybe this should have happened on a roof or balcony overlooking the procession.
Didn’t need the flashback. I guessed he was poisoned just from the way he was acting. If you come into the scene late, glasses already poured (or show Abraham pouring), I don’t think you need any further explanation.
The end was what I anticipated, but I did appreciate the gist of it (that by assassinating monsters, we risk creating martyrs). I wish that theme had been reinforced through-out in some way, but over all this worked for me. And in a challenge that invites confusion, I wasn’t.
Opening page - Curious to know why Nazi's would start a fight with Peter just because he walked up to them. Maybe if Peter had mentioned to them "that's no way to treat a lady." could have worked.
I liked how you went with the story. Thought for sure Peter was going to kill Hitler or at least attempt to but injuring Abraham instead was a nice misdirection. Kudos for that. The ending was great. Too many scripts go for the postive ending, always seeing the good that would have happen but instead we get the exact opposite. Poor Abraham. Bet he feels like and ass. lol. The dialogue flowed nicely and the writing was good especially for 10 days.
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A History of Things to Come - OWC
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