Congratulations on entering the OWC.

This is the second script I’ve read with a Kill Hitler theme, let’s see how this fares.

There’s nothing wrong per se with capitalising objects and actions but it creates a lot of NOISE on the page, it might put some people off. In general the first time a character appears, a sudden noise or if something is really important the audience really needs to notice.

‘The business end of the pistol’ is that the barrel where the bullet comes out? Shouldn’t it be the butt (I said butt lol)? I know I’m nit-picking it just seemed an odd description.

I think once you’ve established they are speaking German you don’t need to add the parenthical each time, we should get it.

I like it that you made me think he was going to kill Hitler but shot someone else instead.

This sounds really wrong – “From the way you're tending to my injuries, I'd swear it was you who
shot me.” – Do all army medics get the same response when they tend to wounded soldiers?

The conversation between Peter and Abraham can be trimmed a lot. Peter doesn’t even explain why Abraham shouldn’t kill Hitler. I know you are trying to tease the audience and just leave mysterious clues but it doesn’t seem natural. The first thing Peter would say (once credentials had been established ofc) is why.

And now we see why, I expected this ending from the build-up. It’s a bit weird though, if Abraham is killed how can he learn the lesson and pass this knowledge onto Peter as is suggested earlier?

No surprises but I understood most of what was going on. A good effort.

Interesting spin on things.  I enjoyed it for the most part, got a little expository in the middle, but other than that, pretty solid entry.

I thought you handled Abraham pretty well for the most part, another story of how changing the past drastically alters the future - with bad consequences.

Only this one has more severe ramifications than the comical one I read last.

Congratulations for completing the OWC, whomever this mystery writer may be.

Also, my nitpicky ways emerge once again.  When you mention "Flashback" perhaps use another slug to interpret we're back in the natural time zone, otherwise, it seems as though Peter and Abraham are talking in the past.

-Lee

Sorry to say, but by page 7 - this is becoming a chore to get through. I'm getting bogged down by passages of expository dialogue and no real action.

I also found it weird that if Abraham was on a mission himself, then why would he cry out "I've been shot". Wouldn't he have acted more 'stealth' like? Specially in that era.

I also don't buy that Peter wasn't undetected with pulling his gun out - as impressed as the soldiers may be, they would still be on edge - protecting their leader is a main objective.

IMO, there needs to be a proper description for when they time travel and how or what is being used to time travel with. The way it is at the moment is jarring.

Page 10 - why is the protester relaying every tiny detail of history back to Abraham. Wouldn't the protester hand him the pamphlet then leave, assuming that Abraham had already lived through everything and knew the history. Maybe just have Abraham read the poster containing everything instead?

All in all, I think you had a great idea, it just wasn't executed all that well.

Good effort though

Renee

Can't say the logline thrilled me. Hitler's died more times than a bad stand-up. Still, back to Nazis and Hugo Boss uniforms we go.

Maybe there was a memo that went round, or perhaps I was off that day everyone decided FADE IN was so last year and we shouldn't do it anymore. Erm, anyway...

Not a bad start, I would have thought he might have put the uniform on before he arrived. The 'contemporary' bit confused me, wasn't sure if you meant contemporary to then or now.

Alright, I'll read on as I realise it's kind of annoying when you read a review that goes on picking faults and peeves out.

There's some interesting story changes and decisions here. However, they need a bit of work. Taking a gun out in a crowd at a Hitler speech, even in 1929 would be a no no. He should have been at a window high up and well camouflaged. Would Abraham really cry out 'I'm shot!' when he gets hit in the ankle considering his intentions? And how come no-one seems to take the slightest interest? On screen this wouldn't look good.

The speech in the restaurant went on too long for me. I kept thinking - would they really talk like this here for this amount of time?

I did like some of the decisions but not all of them. I can't say I liked the end considering who this guy is supposed to be. That said, some good stuff in here.

Story was fine on this one, not the most original, but the premise work fine. I'd maybe have liked to have seen some of the dialogue between the two worked into some form of action between them so that Peter maybe foils Abraham, and Abraham is then forced into poisoning Peter instead of preferring to - which is how it comes across.

Good effort none-the-less.

Hey, writer.

There are some wrong details. If you show a tenth year celebration of Nazi-Germany you're in 1943. Don't know if it's possible that a Jewish woman would be out on the streets. The deportation and ghettoization was already going. 1941/42 was the heaviest year of deportation to workcamps and concentration camps of Jewish from inside Germany. Maybe you lost a few years here.

Consulate means in Germany embassy. A consul is a man send from his state to represent his country in a foreign country. The American consulate during that time was in Berlin and closed with the declaration of war. And what was Hitler there for?

The whole Hitler speech feels very authentic out of some few points...he was more absolutistic; this kind of relatively speaking -for example- "of our life" or "as faithfully as they were able"... wasn't his kind of words. He spoke in full exaggerations which he put upon the words he build out of his absolutistic view on the world.  Was a big problem that this man had no philosophical intelligence about being, maybe even not about himself in that case: words like LIFE he only used in addition with unhuman phrases like "worthless life".  Ok .  Long side note...

The story has many parallels to the other script about killing Hitler. But I like this one more. It feels a bit like a video game mission. I don't play these games but: you take your equipment and go on a mission.
I think you could improve the meeting at the restaurant. That's the only point where it stumbles a bit along. The end scene has a great sci-fi, future, apolocaliptic touch. Hmm, no happy end, gives a different impression to all these scripts with Nazi-themes. That's unique.

It was also a short one and to the point. I don't think the essence of it- these whole "what if" he would have been murdered- isn't enough to think about further IMO. For sure it "could" be the base for a mega scifi blockbuster. Those autocratic stuffs like Hunger Games etc.  Not my taste. I feel it just sells the violence at least.

So if you want to go for further to feature length, the question would be: How can Abraham repair the new world's structure...
Still interesting take on the Nazi-theme... Good work

I liked this one a lot. I think the Hitler concept is played out as far as time travel goes and I honestly wasn't sure where you'd be going with your twist on it (sending someone back to kill Hitler's assassin) but nevertheless found myself pretty engaged for the most part. I liked both twists, predictable or otherwise, and the meeting between Peter and Abraham. It didn't play out the way I expected. I liked how Peter coaxes Abraham to drop the German and the fact that Abraham is a hero of sorts to Peter. At this point, the two are essentially adversaries so the mutual respect mixes things up quite nicely.

The script isn't without issues but I overlooked most of them. I honestly didn't expect to enjoy the script at all given how archetypical the base concept is so I guess my surprise made me a little more easygoing. Nevertheless, there's some mild issues with exposition and you've taken a lot of liberties with format, given the asides and such. I find myself *slightly* softening up on these kinds of issues but for lengthy asides and wrylies to be totally 100% off the hook, they might need to be a little sharper than the ones you have here.

There's also some issues of stating the obvious (e.g. the flashback) and some forced/melodramatic moments (e.g. beating on the Jewish woman). All in all, definitely things that can be scaled back and tightened up. Story of a screenwriter's life, ain't it? Other than that, not bad at all, especially with the stale Hitler concept as a jumping off point. Nice one.

The part I liked most you revealled on the third page, that he was going back to stop the killer. Also in the logline. I would have hidden that.

You also changed POV in the script, which can be done, but usually not. One to be aware of. Who's story is it! Who are we following?

It's a hard one to pull off and for us to say, what a surprise. I would prefer to see a different approach, like find out what happened to the treasure, or did he escape etc

All the best

Hey Writer,

Not a bad story. It was a hit overwritten, making it a hard read at times. Dialogue was a bit wordy at times. Could've trimmed it back here and there.

My main problem here was that the tale felt flat to me. It was just like, okay here's the situation, and here's the final outcome if it all. Maybe it's just me. I've been a little on edge lately.

However, the opening was pretty decent. Him shooting the Anraham fella instead of Hitler was a nice twist and came off well. I guess I kinda liked everything till the end, which as I noted, just was too bland for me.

Overall, a decent effort. Congrats on entering!

Steve

A History of Things to Come

The set-up to this was great, and I could tell some style was applied to the writing as well.  There are a few punctuation issues, but overall sentence structure and grammar was on point.

The start was an intriguing read, but slowed down quickly once I was jarred into Abraham's introduction and purpose.   The dialogue could've had more snap, more conflict.  I got confused by Abraham's role, but in the end it made more sense.

Instead of formatting the spoken language parenthetically, just insert a note prior to the dialogue.  Also after the flashback, use a mini slug with BACK TO SCENE.

I thought poisoning Peter was cliche, as well as the ending.  If you used a more visual method to disclose the absence of Jewish people in new Germania, it might be more disturbing during Abraham's revelation.

Overall, I feel Peter/Abraham interaction needs improvement to spice this one up.  I enjoyed the first several pages of this author's writing.

Johnny