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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2014 - One Week Challenge  ›  A History of Things to Come - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde, dabrast
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  Author    A History of Things to Come - OWC  (currently 3794 views)
Don
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 8:31am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A History of Things to Come by 0 - Short - A man goes back in time to stop the man who went back in time to assassinate Adolf Hitler.  11 pages  - pdf, format


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 9:52am Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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For 10 days of work, this wasn't a bad effort. I kind of saw each twist coming as this kind of story has been done before. That's not to say that there was anything wrong with it as it was well done, overall. The dialogue kind of droned on and on and Abraham didn't really speak in the way I'd imagine an astrophysicist might. And, now, because of the world they live in, there is no more fixing the space-time continuum. Not a bad showing and there were a lot of errors, grammatical and otherwise, but for 10 days, not half-bad.

C+.


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 12:50pm Report to Moderator
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An interesting script, where the reveal is that Abraham's actions destroy the future instead of saving it. Gets a little talky for me, but not bad overall. It does leave a question ver why Peter saves the woman from being killed and killing the SS Nazi. Wouldn't it be nuts if this action resulted in Abraham Hershfeld being born? That's my only guess on this since Peter's job is to stop Abraham not to alter any more of the future.

In any case, some early signs of alarm:


Quoted Text
Which is strange, it being July and all.

How do I know it's July? Also, it's possible that if it is in the morning and that it was raining, the degrees might be low anyway. But since it it is neither, this is telling instead of showing. A SUPER would be needed to let us know what month it is, or a calandar. newspaper, etc.

I'm also curious as to when Abraham's plot to kill Hitler takes place. Peter's money is said to be 1930s. One would then assume that the surroundings are also in the 1930s. If so, there is an anachronism at play here. (Heckler & Koch was founded in 1949) also...why the suppersor? If Peter dresses up like a Nazi he could have a Luger or Walther, and go out in public. No one would think anything out of place. Right?

On a Sci-Fi level -

It is noteworthy that Abraham is 'successful'. But if the age old question is the grandfather paradox, then his future self would not go back to kill Hitler but rather prevent Hitler from being poisoned. OR it could be said that in changing the past, this results in Abraham not being a science teacher/professor and thus Peter would not be involved in Time Travel to stop a killing so...

Nevermind.
Overall, a decent effort in the OWC.,


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Dreamscale
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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There are positives and negatives on display here.

The writing, both technically and grammatically, is very poor.  Slugs are terrible.  Not remotely visually written.  Very awkward in many places.  Way too many wrylies used and poorly worded as well.

Dialogue is overblown and not remotely good, and because there's so much of it, it's a problem.

BUT, story-wise and even concept-wise, I think you did a great job here and with more time, this could be very solid.  It does need some work, but at it's core, this shows great creativity, because you took a rather cliche subject, and made it your own.

If this was written better, I'd actually say I like it, but as it reads now, the poor writing overshadows the creativity on display.  Clean it up, and you've got a nice short on your hands.

Congrats on entering and coming up with a unique approach and concept in a difficult challenge.
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khamanna
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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I understand that when Abraham or the other guy tried to assasinate Hitler and that turned Hitler into a good man. Then Abraham assasinated the good Hitler which turned out good for humanity.

That part - Hitler turning good, Abraham assasinating good Hitler - it happened way too fast. Also it all explained in a dialog which reads kind of expositional to me.

But I liked the idea. I didn't like the fact that you switched to another main character a bit too late. I'm thinking the first part should go quickly, as then Abraham turns out the man of your story.

It's surely an interesting story and the idea of it is very good. I'm just thinking you could shorten the first part, get to Abraham quicker and then make the second part a bit less expositional and work on pacing.
It was fun to read.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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heckler and koch not heckler and kotch... unless this is a parody, for all I know you could be right.

I'm already put off a little by this script... the German soldiers pushing around a woman in the street etc. A handy save the cat moment, to make our hero look great, and cliched to the extreme. You write well enough, it's just... ew.

Code

The Nazi does as he's told, just in time for Peter to KNOCK
him unconscious with the business end of his pistol.



The business end of a pistol is surely the barrel. Which is an unusual part of the gun to hit someone with. Either way, business end, is not very clear. Simply saying knocks him out with the gun should be enough. Most people know to turn the gun around before pistol whipping them.

Code

WOMAN
(German)
He must be stopped.
Peter looks determined.



Cheese. Kill it.

Code

ABRAHAM
(German)
From the way you're tending to my
injuries, I'd swear it was you who
shot me.



What? Why would he gather that he'd shot him just from the way he is giving the wound treatment?

Not that bad I suppose. It's a story. Needs to be better written, more thought put into it... but it works.
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AtholForsyth
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
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This is the first OWC I 've read so I'm glad it was IMO a good little script that kept me interested until the end.

I was a little confused when the woman just drifted out of the story as I thought she was going to be an important part of it. A reason for here being there would help a lot as I's a good way of understanding what Peter's all about. I like the 'headbutt' bit.

If all the OWC are as good as this, it will be fun to read them and not a chore.

Well done mate,
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irish eyes
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
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From the logline, this rings somewhat closely to a Twilight Zone episode "Cradle of Darkness"  a lady becomes a housemaid to the Hitler family. Her plan is to kill the infant Adolf Hitler.

Overall it was pretty good and fast paced. It was also creative of the world depicted if someone had gone back in time and killed Hitler .

Good job

Mark


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Andrew
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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This is the best one I've read so far.

Having read it, it got me thinking about time travel, and why we would seek to change something of this magntitude. To kill Hitler would surely be one of the most popular choices if you were to ask a sample group of, say 5000, what would be the first thing they'd do if they had the chance to time travel.

The idea of taking out Hitler is one that is perfect for this type of story. Hitler was able to escape punishment for his crimes, because he took the coward's way out in ending his own life. But if such a device was available, it would be mean he would be punished, either pre-emptively or otherwise, and it's a comforting thought to think justice can neer be escaped.

But of course, the sting in the tail is that it's never that simple (I liked the Planet of the Apes imagery, btw). That we must understand why events happen, and that the rise of someone like Hitler is never down to an individual, but a combination of many factors, that any single act of time travel can never undo. I think you've planted this idea very well, and it was what I took from it.

Enjoyed it.


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nawazm11
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 4:19am Report to Moderator
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A second Hitler script, probably the 100th if you count every other that's been written. Something everybody expects with time travel being the theme and all I suppose.

"Which is strange, it being July and all" Really, I thought it was September? Actually, why would I even know if I was watching this?

You don't need to put German every time a character speaks. Just put it in italics or something so we know.

On page 7 so far and I have no clue why Peter stopped Abraham, it's just a bunch of back and forth about them repeating the same things.

Reading a little further, I suppose it does make sense why you tried to avoid it. It's just the chatter gets boring after a while.

Eerily similar to the other Hitler script. This wasn't bad either but this is probably the same twist in every Hitler/time travel script. The story is surprisingly thin but it works for what it is. Good job.
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wonkavite
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 8:45am Report to Moderator
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Hey -

This is better in several ways than I thought it would be.  Kudos.

Honestly, I saw WWII and "stopping Hitler" and just *cringed.*  It's just been done way too many times already.  (And no - I didn't like Inglorious Basterds.)

A few notes.  Loved the title - very nice.  
A little bit of the phrasing was awkward.  Things like "he falls unconciously to the ground". And the woman getting knocked around by the Nazis - you don't really explain that they're in a secluded alleyway or similiar. I initially was weirded out by the fact that Peter was able to openly walk up to the soldiers and knock them out.  After all, he would've been shot on site.  (BTW - it's a cliche bit, though it serves the 'save the cat' purpose.) And - like other readers - the "it being July" comment threw me as both being an unfilmable and not supported by the imagery.

Two other quick items: you don't cut away back to the present for the poisoning flashback, and I kind of find it difficult to believe that Peter didn't out and out tell Abraham IMMEDIATELY as to his action's reprocussions.  Of course, that would have completely scuttled the story, so it's understandable that you didn't. And - of course - there's no real Cassandra Complex here...  But I imagine that most of the OWCs entries won't have it....

That said, writing's pretty clean and enjoyable.  And the *initial* twist (ie: when Hitler isn't shot) is very nice!!  (The other one I saw coming a mile away.)

Kudos and cheers.

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wonkavite  -  January 12th, 2014, 5:38pm
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CoopBazinga
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Name of First Writer,

Didn't I read that the FADE IN police are out in force in this OWC - well, they've got your number and will be around to clobber you anytime in the near future if they haven't already?

"it being July and all" Super maybe? Does it matter?

"among other things" What's the other things? I'm curious now, but I'm also wondering how you fit all of that into a briefcase?

The convey passes Peter twice!

Liked the middle finger!

Do away with the "German" wrylies -- not needed at all - just have a note or something.

"He must be stopped." Who? The postman? Well, whoever it is, Peter is determined to stop him. It's not a good line at all.

"Peter walks along the road/sidewalk"  I think the writing needs some sprucing up -- it's rather boring as written.

Where is Peter when Hitler is on the podium? It sounds like he's in with the crowd, but he's pulling out a pistol and attaching a silencer - nobody in the slightest bothered by this?

Peter takes the injured man back to the alley? That's not suspicious.

"I'm a pretty good shot you know." Somebody is full of themselves.

There is no need for the flashback IMO, you could have showed this first time around.

"He's getting very tired" This is not a good line -- comes straight from a nursery rhyme.

Real Planet of The Apes ending which I like.

Not bad, had a Twilight Zone/Outer Limits feel and I have feeling it must have been done before -- actually I'm pretty certain and I would have guessed there would be one script in this OWC that involved Hitler.

In saying that, I enjoyed this overall and liked the ending as a big Planet of The Apes fan. It did become a bit talky at the restaurant and the opening few pages weren't the best intro and were quite on the nose (I'll add the protestor guy at the end into that as well)

The writing does need a little polish I'm afraid but not bad for a weeks work.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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EWall433
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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Going back in time to stop Hitler is a well-worn path, but I think there’s a reason for it. You don’t have to explain to an audience why Hitler and the Nazi’s are bad. There’s nothing to set-up. It’s like using Satan in a horror film. He’s just evil. And the whole thing’s just a conduit for another message. So onwards…

That being said, you did end up spending time showing Nazi’s doing bad things, but to be honest, pushing a woman around is a little weak for the Nazis and seems more like general thug behavior. “He must be stopped” is heavy handed. Between that and your logline I wonder if I’m supposed to take this lightly.

“He does the ‘Heil Hitler’…” makes it sound like a dance move to me.

There’s no way anyone could take out a gun in the middle of that crowd, start taking potshots at or around Hitler, and still be free to tend to an injured ‘bystander’. Maybe this should have happened on a roof or balcony overlooking the procession.

Didn’t need the flashback. I guessed he was poisoned just from the way he was acting. If you come into the scene late, glasses already poured (or show Abraham pouring), I don’t think you need any further explanation.

The end was what I anticipated, but I did appreciate the gist of it (that by assassinating monsters, we risk creating martyrs). I wish that theme had been reinforced through-out in some way, but over all this worked for me.  And in a challenge that invites confusion, I wasn’t.

Congrats on completing a OWC.
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DV44
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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Opening page - Curious to know why Nazi's would start a fight with Peter just because he walked up to them. Maybe if Peter had mentioned to them "that's no way to treat a lady." could have worked.

I liked how you went with the story. Thought for sure Peter was going to kill Hitler or at least attempt to but injuring Abraham instead was a nice misdirection. Kudos for that. The ending was great. Too many scripts go for the postive ending, always seeing the good that would have happen but instead we get the exact opposite. Poor Abraham. Bet he feels like and ass. lol. The dialogue flowed nicely and the writing was good especially for 10 days.

Congrats on completing the OWC. Well done.
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Guest
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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Thought the opening was a little too straight forward... too direct... didn't like it as much as the other Hitler one.


--Steve
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 14th, 2014, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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Congratulations on entering the OWC.

This is the second script I’ve read with a Kill Hitler theme, let’s see how this fares.

There’s nothing wrong per se with capitalising objects and actions but it creates a lot of NOISE on the page, it might put some people off. In general the first time a character appears, a sudden noise or if something is really important the audience really needs to notice.

‘The business end of the pistol’ is that the barrel where the bullet comes out? Shouldn’t it be the butt (I said butt lol)? I know I’m nit-picking it just seemed an odd description.

I think once you’ve established they are speaking German you don’t need to add the parenthical each time, we should get it.

I like it that you made me think he was going to kill Hitler but shot someone else instead.

This sounds really wrong – “From the way you're tending to my injuries, I'd swear it was you who
shot me.” – Do all army medics get the same response when they tend to wounded soldiers?

The conversation between Peter and Abraham can be trimmed a lot. Peter doesn’t even explain why Abraham shouldn’t kill Hitler. I know you are trying to tease the audience and just leave mysterious clues but it doesn’t seem natural. The first thing Peter would say (once credentials had been established ofc) is why.

And now we see why, I expected this ending from the build-up. It’s a bit weird though, if Abraham is killed how can he learn the lesson and pass this knowledge onto Peter as is suggested earlier?

No surprises but I understood most of what was going on. A good effort.


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Leegion
Posted: January 14th, 2014, 3:56pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting spin on things.  I enjoyed it for the most part, got a little expository in the middle, but other than that, pretty solid entry.

I thought you handled Abraham pretty well for the most part, another story of how changing the past drastically alters the future - with bad consequences.

Only this one has more severe ramifications than the comical one I read last.

Congratulations for completing the OWC, whomever this mystery writer may be.

Also, my nitpicky ways emerge once again.  When you mention "Flashback" perhaps use another slug to interpret we're back in the natural time zone, otherwise, it seems as though Peter and Abraham are talking in the past.

-Lee
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RJ
Posted: January 15th, 2014, 1:47am Report to Moderator
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Sorry to say, but by page 7 - this is becoming a chore to get through. I'm getting bogged down by passages of expository dialogue and no real action.

I also found it weird that if Abraham was on a mission himself, then why would he cry out "I've been shot". Wouldn't he have acted more 'stealth' like? Specially in that era.

I also don't buy that Peter wasn't undetected with pulling his gun out - as impressed as the soldiers may be, they would still be on edge - protecting their leader is a main objective.

IMO, there needs to be a proper description for when they time travel and how or what is being used to time travel with. The way it is at the moment is jarring.

Page 10 - why is the protester relaying every tiny detail of history back to Abraham. Wouldn't the protester hand him the pamphlet then leave, assuming that Abraham had already lived through everything and knew the history. Maybe just have Abraham read the poster containing everything instead?

All in all, I think you had a great idea, it just wasn't executed all that well.

Good effort though

Renee
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rendevous
Posted: January 15th, 2014, 10:05pm Report to Moderator
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Can't say the logline thrilled me. Hitler's died more times than a bad stand-up. Still, back to Nazis and Hugo Boss uniforms we go.

Maybe there was a memo that went round, or perhaps I was off that day everyone decided FADE IN was so last year and we shouldn't do it anymore. Erm, anyway...

Not a bad start, I would have thought he might have put the uniform on before he arrived. The 'contemporary' bit confused me, wasn't sure if you meant contemporary to then or now.

Alright, I'll read on as I realise it's kind of annoying when you read a review that goes on picking faults and peeves out.

There's some interesting story changes and decisions here. However, they need a bit of work. Taking a gun out in a crowd at a Hitler speech, even in 1929 would be a no no. He should have been at a window high up and well camouflaged. Would Abraham really cry out 'I'm shot!' when he gets hit in the ankle considering his intentions? And how come no-one seems to take the slightest interest? On screen this wouldn't look good.

The speech in the restaurant went on too long for me. I kept thinking - would they really talk like this here for this amount of time?

I did like some of the decisions but not all of them. I can't say I liked the end considering who this guy is supposed to be. That said, some good stuff in here.


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rendevous  -  January 15th, 2014, 11:06pm
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Forgive
Posted: January 17th, 2014, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
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Story was fine on this one, not the most original, but the premise work fine. I'd maybe have liked to have seen some of the dialogue between the two worked into some form of action between them so that Peter maybe foils Abraham, and Abraham is then forced into poisoning Peter instead of preferring to - which is how it comes across.

Good effort none-the-less.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: January 17th, 2014, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, writer.

There are some wrong details. If you show a tenth year celebration of Nazi-Germany you're in 1943. Don't know if it's possible that a Jewish woman would be out on the streets. The deportation and ghettoization was already going. 1941/42 was the heaviest year of deportation to workcamps and concentration camps of Jewish from inside Germany. Maybe you lost a few years here.

Consulate means in Germany embassy. A consul is a man send from his state to represent his country in a foreign country. The American consulate during that time was in Berlin and closed with the declaration of war. And what was Hitler there for?

The whole Hitler speech feels very authentic out of some few points...he was more absolutistic; this kind of relatively speaking -for example- "of our life" or "as faithfully as they were able"... wasn't his kind of words. He spoke in full exaggerations which he put upon the words he build out of his absolutistic view on the world.  Was a big problem that this man had no philosophical intelligence about being, maybe even not about himself in that case: words like LIFE he only used in addition with unhuman phrases like "worthless life".  Ok .  Long side note...

The story has many parallels to the other script about killing Hitler. But I like this one more. It feels a bit like a video game mission. I don't play these games but: you take your equipment and go on a mission.
I think you could improve the meeting at the restaurant. That's the only point where it stumbles a bit along. The end scene has a great sci-fi, future, apolocaliptic touch. Hmm, no happy end, gives a different impression to all these scripts with Nazi-themes. That's unique.

It was also a short one and to the point. I don't think the essence of it- these whole "what if" he would have been murdered- isn't enough to think about further IMO. For sure it "could" be the base for a mega scifi blockbuster. Those autocratic stuffs like Hunger Games etc.  Not my taste. I feel it just sells the violence at least.

So if you want to go for further to feature length, the question would be: How can Abraham repair the new world's structure...
Still interesting take on the Nazi-theme... Good work



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James McClung
Posted: January 17th, 2014, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one a lot. I think the Hitler concept is played out as far as time travel goes and I honestly wasn't sure where you'd be going with your twist on it (sending someone back to kill Hitler's assassin) but nevertheless found myself pretty engaged for the most part. I liked both twists, predictable or otherwise, and the meeting between Peter and Abraham. It didn't play out the way I expected. I liked how Peter coaxes Abraham to drop the German and the fact that Abraham is a hero of sorts to Peter. At this point, the two are essentially adversaries so the mutual respect mixes things up quite nicely.

The script isn't without issues but I overlooked most of them. I honestly didn't expect to enjoy the script at all given how archetypical the base concept is so I guess my surprise made me a little more easygoing. Nevertheless, there's some mild issues with exposition and you've taken a lot of liberties with format, given the asides and such. I find myself *slightly* softening up on these kinds of issues but for lengthy asides and wrylies to be totally 100% off the hook, they might need to be a little sharper than the ones you have here.

There's also some issues of stating the obvious (e.g. the flashback) and some forced/melodramatic moments (e.g. beating on the Jewish woman). All in all, definitely things that can be scaled back and tightened up. Story of a screenwriter's life, ain't it? Other than that, not bad at all, especially with the stale Hitler concept as a jumping off point. Nice one.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 19th, 2014, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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The part I liked most you revealled on the third page, that he was going back to stop the killer. Also in the logline. I would have hidden that.

You also changed POV in the script, which can be done, but usually not. One to be aware of. Who's story is it! Who are we following?

It's a hard one to pull off and for us to say, what a surprise. I would prefer to see a different approach, like find out what happened to the treasure, or did he escape etc

All the best


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SAC
Posted: January 19th, 2014, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Writer,

Not a bad story. It was a hit overwritten, making it a hard read at times. Dialogue was a bit wordy at times. Could've trimmed it back here and there.

My main problem here was that the tale felt flat to me. It was just like, okay here's the situation, and here's the final outcome if it all. Maybe it's just me. I've been a little on edge lately.

However, the opening was pretty decent. Him shooting the Anraham fella instead of Hitler was a nice twist and came off well. I guess I kinda liked everything till the end, which as I noted, just was too bland for me.

Overall, a decent effort. Congrats on entering!

Steve


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: January 29th, 2014, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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A History of Things to Come

The set-up to this was great, and I could tell some style was applied to the writing as well.  There are a few punctuation issues, but overall sentence structure and grammar was on point.

The start was an intriguing read, but slowed down quickly once I was jarred into Abraham's introduction and purpose.   The dialogue could've had more snap, more conflict.  I got confused by Abraham's role, but in the end it made more sense.

Instead of formatting the spoken language parenthetically, just insert a note prior to the dialogue.  Also after the flashback, use a mini slug with BACK TO SCENE.

I thought poisoning Peter was cliche, as well as the ending.  If you used a more visual method to disclose the absence of Jewish people in new Germania, it might be more disturbing during Abraham's revelation.

Overall, I feel Peter/Abraham interaction needs improvement to spice this one up.  I enjoyed the first several pages of this author's writing.

Johnny
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