Die Bieber Die by 0 - Short - With the future of decent music in peril, one man sets out to put things right by going into the past. - pdf, format

Slightly amusing, I really liked the 'wormhole on Craigs List' gag. I was a bit concerned with the pop culture references, but the whole Dakota Fanning discussion paid off in the end....even if some of Fred's friends are into Twilight (although it's played like a joke). I do, however, take some issue with Bieber's parents being drug addicts.

On a tech level, It isn't needed to BOLD characters on intro; the CAPS take care of that. Cheetos is a brand name. Only once did I see the C capped.

Not bad in the OWC.

Note: Voivod is from Canada. They would be the kind of music your protag might listen to. So to kill "all music Canada" would include this...and classic rock from Rush, Helix, Triumph, and April Wine for that matter.

Not bad, made me laugh a couple of times. Some minor issues with grammar, but the laughs were enough to carry me through.

There doesn't seem to be many entries so who knows this could be a winner.

I liked the inventiveness with this one also, couple that with the laughs and this is a pretty decent entry.

Well, this is pretty close to pisser territory, IMO.

Although funny at times, overall, I don't really get it or get much of anything out of this.

Writing-wise, not good.  Very poor use of Slugs.  Other technical miscues.  Awkward phrasings often.  Poor grammar, etc.

I'm not sure if this is a serious attempt or not, but overall, I guess it's accepatble for what it is.

COngrats on entering this difficult OWC.

That had funny moments and met the OWC parameters nicely. The only thing for me was Fred talked out loud a lot, in real life people rarely talk about what they are thinking. Lol, I'm fine with the wormhole on Craigslist but not the character talking to himself to explain things to the audience! Suspension of disbelief is weird isn't it?

Congratulations on getting this done.

I think I have to re-read the rules thread...

Do all of these have to have long talky scenes explaining how to time travel?

Boring.  I'm out on page 6.


--Steve

Page 1 through me off a little with Fred jumping up and running for the house. IMO, if he was that drunk that he decided to sleep on the grass then the sprinklers wouldn't just miraculously make him sober. He would still stumble to the door, if not just sleep through it.

Sorry to say, I wasn't really fond of both the parents coming into the bedroom either - that scene kind of felt off too. Not both parents, maybe one - probably the mom, would work better.

The rest of this flows more smoothly as a comedy. If you take it in the light heartened sense that it's meant to be, it's a fun read and sticks to the guidelines. I liked how the whole switching thing didn't work - it ties everything in nicely together.

Good job

Renee

This one really didn't do anything for me. You tried to elicit chuckles in the beginning, but it mostly fell flat. Then, once you got into the actual time travel, the script just fell apart. The clever script you were trying for gave way for something that took itself a little too seriously and lost most of the enjoyment as a result.

D+.

Funny stuff! It's not a pisstake just a pretty good comedy.

Some great lines in here. This is my early favorite. I honestly think it's cool

That happened.  And with that title I had to check it out. You knew it too. You knew we'd read it.

And you know what I had some fun with it. It was totally goofy. It reminded me of BE KIND REWIND and BILL & TED. I loved your machine. You had a few good bits of dialogue.  But your final payoff needed to be bigger. Maybe they meet him when younger and a rising star. Abduct him, introduce him to bad influences. And have all the ridiculous failed attempts at killing him as time corrects itself. Like Home Alone with the murder of bieber.

A funny spoof on the ridiculous aspects of time travel.

Second OWC.  Though not a thick plot, bore terribly good, I enjoyed it a lot.  Nice dialogue at parts, a few lines made me chuckle, I got a feel for both John and Fred.  The comedy was good, but as others have stated, it didn't do anything for me other than offer me a few good laughs.

The writing could have been better.  Slugs weren't great.  I liked the ending though, real smart, gave me a laugh.  Story wise it's dumb, writing wise it's okay, comedy wise it's really good IMO, anyway.

At least you entered a OWC.  I didn't even get that far!

I'm with bfly on this - weak start, but once into it, it was funny enough, straddling p$sser territory. I like'd the parents as addicts angle, and the cardboard wormhole -- a lot of the dialogue between John & Fred worked well too, Dakota's face, don't say ok, and the guys within ten miles. An easy read as well.

This was a half and half for me. I found bits funny while other parts felt as if they were trying too hard. The story is simple but I personally think it does work, the bumbling basement dwellers trying to create a time machine and buying wormholes from craigslist. It's stupid but it's fun.

There just needs to be a little more work on the individual scenes themselves, they don't feel right and I suppose this is one of those moments where the simplicity brings the read down. There's just not enough meat here. But good effort regardless.

This was a simple and silly tale so I took it as such.

My first thought early on was that there was no way these two dips were going to be able to make a time machine. I thought it might work better if they just happened across one and can’t think of anything better to do with it.

But then there was the ‘wormhole on Craigslist’ gag. That was my favorite part here so…

There were some unnecessary lines (“white kids talk like they’re ghetto”) and I thought you could’ve just chopped off the first couple scenes and started in the morning. But over all there was a good set-up and payoff with the Dakota Fanning joke and I laughed a few times along the way. (I actually think your method of time travel is about as realistic as anyone's)

Congrats on completing a OWC.

The title reminds me of a scripts by my buddy Dave called, die fluffy die

It seems slapstick so let's see

Yup, it's slapstick.

Comedy in an OWC is a tough sell. I've tried it twice, not good.

I liked it when they spoke ghetto, word, but the rest did seem to meander . As you mention in the script the idea of killing a baby doesn't really appeal, perhaps the plan could have been something else.

The twist should have been stronger with the parents and sister since that was the driver.

In general you took two pages to get to the discussion, I think that needs to be a little quicker, possibly.

The idea of going back to change something that annoys you, poor music, fake celebrity etc actually seems a sound basis for a farce type script.

All the best