I like this one.  It was a fun story, with some neat little twists. Granted, at first read it stretches the limits of believability that Mr. McIntyre would so easily allow Lauren to time travel (as a tourist, no less!)  And crazy that she'd accept that the idea was real, and go along with it.  Obviously, once one has read the ending, at least part of it now makes sense.  I'd say this one's on my top tier list...though I'm not sure at this point how they'll all sort out.  But this one's memorable.

Cheers,

--J

I quite enjoyed this. The dialogue at the start hooked me in as did the idea. I'm not sure 'the tweet' hook stands up to proper scrutiny but a little later on I was way past caring.

Like some other scripts in this OWC there's lots of dialogue here but in this case it's interesting. And pretty funny too. I caught myself laughing out loud. Not something I've done often since Piers Morgan got hit by those cricket balls. That was fecking funny. Alas, I digress. Back to the script.

This had some fine ideas and was a fun read. I thought the end wasn't quite as good as I hoped. I'd have been happy enough without the final plot point. But overall I really enjoyed this.

I really enjoyed this. Liked the connection between Lauren & Timothy. Quite a few tender moments throughout.

Loved Tim's line - Do you want to see my wormhole? lol. Awesome.

Overall, the writing was good but some of the dialogue could be trimmed back some. I felt some scenes dragged just a bit but a good rewrite could eliminate that. I enjoyed the story for what it was, simple but sweet with a happy ending. Great job!

Congrats on completing the OWC.

I can tell right away that this script will be way over written. So, I'll just point out a couple of things and move onto other stuff without rewriting the entire script.

Code A student runs down the hallway, her arms overflowing with reports and notes. This is LAUREN(18) - attractive but inclined to conceal her looks. Her hair is swept awkwardly over her face, she wears ‘comfortable’ baggy clothes.

You've already mentioned HALLWAY in the slug so it is a superfluous word in this instance. Also, after the comma in the first sentence, the word 'her' is unnecessary. 'This is' at the beginning of the second sentence is also unnecessary. Also rather than a dash, as this kinda indicates an afterthought... but usually afterthoughts come after already complete sentences. Just writing This is Lauren(1 is not exactly a complete sentence as 'This is' is superfluous. Be better to rewrite that entire first passage to something like:

LAUREN (1, attractive yet modest, hair swept awkwardly over her face, sprints along while trying desperately to hold onto her multitude of books.

I don't think there is a need to mention she's a student, that will become obvious later, no doubt. Likewise the baggy clothes is not really a necessary description... but if you really want it in there then you could be inventive and make something happen in a second sentence whereby you need to explain what she's wearing. For example her baggy clothes could snag on something along the way. Or a passing Student could call something out, maybe mock her choice of clothing. Personally though, I feel that modest explains a lot on its own.

Code Out of breath she bursts into the-- PRINCIPLE’S OFFICE And the papers go flying onto the floor.

You start a sentence with and... but it isn't for dramatic effect. Indeed, the word is superfluous. I know you know about the Principle thing now. So I'd rewrite the above like this:

"Out of breath, she bursts into the

PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE

Her papers fly onto the floor."

Keep things active and never use unnecessary words as they slow down a read.

Code MR. MCINTYRE glances up from his desk. He’s fiftyish, wearing a scruffy tweed suit and glasses perched on the end of his nose; he desperately needs a 21st Century makeover.

I feel that the description already lets us know he needs a twenty-first century makeover. It would also be better to simply refer to him as MCINTYRE, drop the Mr.

Code It opens slightly, a shadowy figure peaks out from the crack.

Peeks.

Code ... and he possesses a disarming smile.

Is he of a mind to sell it?

Code LAUREN Sorry, Tim. I was hoping we could speak about that tweet? TIM Ah yes. I’m afraid you’ve got me there. I’m a Time Traveller.

Well... that was easy. Little difficult to swallow, but, moving on...

Code TIM It took me some time but I traced one back to 1916. Big war hero, died saving his squad apparently. Tim taps away at the keyboard. TIM (CONT’D) The other went way back to 1896. Over the next two decades he helped perfect a system for protecting drinking water from contamination. The Double Bubbler it was called.

Inventive.

Large blocks of dialogue a little off-putting.

Why would they chase her and why would they suspect that she was actually talking to somebody when she just acted crazy?

I don't like the suggestion of magic. Mr Time and his helpers. It works... it's just that extra little bit of whimsy. I don't really do whimsy... but it's clean and could work for kids. I could honestly see this being on after school and the kids enjoying a nice tale. They also wouldn't nitpick plot issues.

I feel, for me, this is way overwritten, maybe even hastily so. But the author knows how to tell a story, what makes a story work. The decisions are good and logical. Characters individual and dialogue is good. Another draft or two and this would be a mean script. If that's even possible with so much whimsy.

I didn't enjoy reading it, purely because it takes me back to stuff I may have read as a kid. I hope you don't take that the wrong way. All it means is that you write PG stuff. Very rare I enjoy a PG film. 12A minimum, and even then I'm doubtful going in. So take my review for what it is worth, please.

The opening shows us that the main character is a misfit -- that's important information for the story -- but the dialogue needs some editing.  I think the rest of the script improves, page by page.  The ending is interesting but seems too complex for this story, as it stands.  With some rewrites this could be a charming film.

Hey Writer,

Not a bad job here. You kinda lost me a bit at the end, but that's okay. Overall I liked the story. It has potential, and an undercurrent of, hmm, sadness ? That's not the word I'm looking for, but it'll have to do.

Your writing wasnt bad, but things could use a general tightening up, as they say. Couple of your action blocks read awkward, and some could have been trimmed.

I liked the whole Charlie Chaplin angle. Another original idea. That took me by surprise. Just don't hear much about Charlie Chaplin these days, especially in a time travel story.

So, high marks for originality, but the story needs work, and the ending left me a bit confused.

Congrats on entering!

Steve

Hey writer!
Complete different approach here.
You decided to come over dialogue. And it works partly. But then there are these one, two sentences, this one question too much for me. Many times when I started to like the girl, she said too much or talks just different suddenly.
I see a mix of naive, dense, clever and charming in her. These abilities don't fit together IMO.

I liked the ending, but which 60 years old man calls a ninty year old woman "senorita". Try to be more precise. Sensibil characters are good, they build emotions, but you have to Keep the quality or it falls complete apart and isn't believable anymore.

I was looking forward to see Charlie. I hoped so much you let him pantomime. But you decided to show him with some guys walking to Chinese theatre. What a missed potential. It's Charlie Chaplin??? You had constructed a script where you could bring him back in some way, make a nice homage. A bow to a legend.

So, the inventive construction to get yourself to this opportunity is amazing, how you played it out is almost a bit sad, you even portrayed him unlikeable…
Still solide for me.
Maybe you build up too much potential which isn't possible to fill in a first draft.

Thanks to all who read this and gave feedback, it’s helped me a lot. I’d like to explain the story and hopefully answer some of the criticism and questions.

The basic idea, the time travel search on the web, was taken from a search for time traveller study published by Cornell University towards the end of December. Their results found no evidence of time travel though. This can be found here - http://arxiv.org/abs/1312.7128

In the 2nd draft I’ve put a ‘BASED ON’ section in the title page and referenced it. Does anyone know if I need to do this? It’s only the internet search I’ve used so I do want to properly reference it but the majority of the story came from my mad mind.

This is why the script starts off at Cornell University, I just wanted to honour the origin of the actual study.

Some of you also realised the time travel footage of ‘Lauren’ talking on the phone in 1928 was from footage discovered on a DVD showing what some believed to be evidence of a Time Traveller. This is the clip Lauren watches in the hospital - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TiIrpEMbQ2M – Again, do you think I need to reference this somewhere on the title page?

The challenge then for me, was getting Lauren from discovering a potential time traveller on Twitter to actually travelling back to 1928 disguised as an old women, with a phone, in 15 pages or less. It wasn’t easy but I had fun trying.

The basic premise is some people are born out of time, by some cosmic accident they end up not where they are supposed to be or doing what they were fated to do. They feel awkward, shy, like they do not belong and quite often they escape into their creative side; their imagination.

Timothy Horaz is a Timekeeper. He’s employed by the mysterious Mr. Time to find such people and persuade them to go back to where they belong of their own free will. The method has to be discrete, hardly noticeable.

So Tim places subtle clues in newspapers, magazines and online; designed to attract these very people. Once he does he openly admits who he is and presents them with a Time Travel opportunity they find hard to resist. When they go back, they feel like they belong and subconsciously don’t want to return but to make sure they stay he gives them enough leeway to trap themselves in the past.

In the script we see one such person called Lauren. She picks up on one such clue on Twitter and is bold, imaginative and yes, naïve enough to follow it up. She is disarmed by Tim’s openness, matter-of-fact sense of humour and good nature. The thrill of travelling to a favourite time to see her favourite movie star proves too much of a temptation and she eagerly goes back for a peek.  

In her case he allows her to take a mobile phone with her knowing she will instinctively take a picture of Charlie Chaplin which will cause Mr. Time to react, to protect the timeline. He knows the phone will either be destroyed or find its way back to the present, while Lauren stays trapped in the past. However  Lauren then carries out the tasks originally fated for her and ultimately this gives her a long, happy and fulfilling life.

Back in the present Tim visits her in hospital, she’s now in her 90’s. We find out this isn’t the first time Tim has sent someone back, the plumbers he referenced earlier where no such thing; just young innocent guys in the wrong time, not doing what they were fated to do. Tim used similar methods to persuade them back to their right time.  

Tim explains what he can and points out that even though she wasn’t fated to be a war hero, or invent something crucial, her role was no less important in sending positive ripples through the fabric of time.

In the end we find out that Tim himself seems to be the victim of another Timekeeper. In the future he has a family now lost to him, his fate was to become a Timekeeper that exists in our time.

Lauren - Lauren is a young, shy and yet highly imaginative young lady of 18 and, unbeknown to the audience at this point, she’s born out of time. Several reviewers noted she seemed silly and very naïve.  They didn’t like her so much early on but warmed to her later. That was deliberate but maybe it was too much. At the end she’s lived the full life she should have lived and is a much better person because of it.

I’ve changed the opening scene and some of her dialogue to try and reflect this better.

Charlie Chaplin - A reviewer said the mention of silent films and Chaplin came out of left field so I’ve included a Chaplin reference in the opening scene, which not only highlights that Lauren has been involved in crazy theories before but also displays that she has a fascination for that era; especially Chaplin.

It was also pointed out when we do meet Chaplin it was disappointing. I didn’t intend for Chaplin to be anything but a cameo in this but you are right. Chaplin now interacts with Lauren in a very Chaplin style and also engages in the chase.

Talking Heads -  lots of dialogue – yes I am a big fan of dialogue but this was mainly due to trying to fit so much story into 15 pages. The second draft now includes flashbacks and more action.

Quick Cuts – To fit into the 15 pages I had to do two transitions where a passage of time had occurred. The first is after her teacher forbids her to go seek out Tim, the second where she appears suddenly back in 1928. I tried to do both so the reader would know a passage of time had occurred, certain events had transpired and the reader could piece it together, plus it adds comedy value!

Tone changes – I do struggle with this criticism. I’m a huge fan of Joss Whedon, and UK shows like Doctor Who and Sherlock. These shows have quite drastic tone changes from comedy to serious and back again and they work exceedingly well. There’s also lots of dialogue.

If anyone’s watched the recent Sherlock for example, there are some crazy funny scenes followed by deadly serious and heart wrenching moments. This is what I enjoy and try to put across in my stories. Life isn’t all about drama, there’s naturally funny moments as well. I agree it’s hard to sometimes imagine this in a script and a funny moment followed by serious can automatically set alarm bells going, but I believe they can work and does so in many TV programs and movies.

Mr MCINTIRE /MR MCAINTIRE – How the hell did that happen? I used Final Draft and it auto inserts names but thanks for pointing that out and other typos.  It was also mentioned a few times they did not like Mr. Mcintire’s stance on Lauren’s request to look into this further so I’ve altered that scene.

Why did the phone work in the past? - I love suspension of disbelief, no-one blinked at the wormhole under the sink but the phone working in the past was too much! It is understandable though so I’ve added a bit of dialogue explaining that the signal passes through the wormhole while it is open.

Two Plumbers? -  There was never two plumbers, it was very subtle but my intention was for you to work out that this was another of Tim’s lies and the ‘plumbers’ were other people he’s tricked into going back to their own time. In the next draft it is just one ‘plumber’ and we see what happened to him with flashbacks. It’s clear he was tricked by Tim and uses a phone just like he did with Lauren to trap him in the past.

The End - I was a bit stuck at the end. Originally Lauren died while Tim held her hand but it felt cliché and I wanted Lauren to pass away with her family by her side. So I tried to add a bit of mystery and a twist by letting everyone know Tim is from the future and he himself had been tricked into coming into the past. He’s stuck just like Lauren was and his fate is to find others and send them back to their proper timeline. He also seems to have some contact with the mysterious Mr. Time and knows quite a bit about what is going, who he needs to send back and where/when.

With the 2nd draft I’ll try to make this more apparent, although it is a tricky thing to get across.

Thanks again for all your feedback, I’m glad some of you enjoyed it. I should have the 2nd draft finished this weekend and I’ll ask for it to be uploaded for anyone who is interested.

I'd be happy to read a 2nd draft. There were things I really liked about this story but it definitely needs more than 15 pages. There's so much you can do now without those page constraints (and ticking time clock!!). Best of luck!!

Good to see you made full use of the 15 pages.  There is an unfilmable though, "whatever her filing system was", but this isn't a nitpick review of a feature, so I'll leave that up to the writer to fix.

This one was great.  I LOVED the concept of how "people are not born in the correct time periods", it's freaking awesome.  

I'd say this is now my personal favourite of this OWC, mainly because of the concept and the characters, but I've only read 6 thus far, and all of them have been good - I just like this one the most.

Writer (I haven't yet checked who wrote what), this script is fantastic.

-Lee

Mr. Time

Some of these events are claims of time traveling that are in internetland somewhere.  So besides the weird chain of events that brings Lauren to the past, I thought the story was really engaging.  I never seen any of it coming, and credit due to the great structure that seamlessly revealed Tim's mystery.

My guess is Mr. Time is a higher power, and time itself really isn't the focus as much as where a person situationally needs to be.  Writing was to the point, easy to follow.  Good story, made me think.

Johnny

2nd draft is up if anyone is interested in giving it another read. Thanks again for all the great feedback, it was priceless.