Just thought of something

if you make the priest masterbate the Son at the end, you can change your title to "The Second Coming" oh yeah

Mark

Well, that's an unusual opening. Have to say it is quite well written, a severe lack of typos and, mercifully, a lack of ellipses.

It's a pet peeve of mine in films when cigarettes get stubbed out almost as soon as they're lit then another one is fired up moments later. Er, not sure why I had to share that. Maybe it's to get that image of him, erm. Anyway...

Ah, the second orgasm in five pages. This one walks on the wilder side of things. I'm not sure what to think. I can't say I enjoyed the end. I think it was the piece of paper that took the wind out of its sails. But, it's one of the better written scripts so far, and it does tend to stick in the mind.

Pg 4 “I’ll do whatever it takes. If I could turn back the clock, I would”  Even if Bradley’s coming around, I wouldn’t expect him to express it so freely.

Pg 5 “eyes full of accusation” seems an odd choice of words. Isn’t that reserved for when the crime may be in doubt. But she definitely just ran him through with a sword.

Pg 6 TEEN BRADLEY briefly becomes BRADLEY again.

Pg 8 I think if this played on screen it wouldn’t be clear that this is the Customer’s house, or his family.

I’m not entirely sure if people who can converse freely get hooked up to life support machines. But if they do, they certainly don’t die immediately upon removing the support. If you can talk, you can breathe. If you can breathe, then you’re starving to death.

This was definitely well written and the structure is sound. The ending is nice too (though I’m not sure if I should be seeing it as a solace or as one last nasty bit).

That said, for all the shocking material it actually felt sort of listless to me. I never really felt like I understood what was making Bradley tick and the interplay between him and his Mom could’ve benefited from a less is more approach. If she’s the reason, then they should be connected in their insanity, but I didn’t feel the connection. It might be a tall order to ask you to hook me in emotionally with a character like Bradley, but if that were there I’d be all in on this one.

Congrats on completing a OWC

Priest seems more like a Reaper to me than a man of god...

This one was... well, it was a bit... no, it was very, VERY twisted.  Grinding, masturbating, killing... midway through this my mind was thinking "what in the hell is going on?", seriously, who has a "mom" like that? lol.

Anyways, I liked it.  Very cautionary, not for the faint of heart, certainly aimed at a mature audience.  Dialogue flowed well.  Action/slugs were defined and natural, apart from a few instances "lighter/cigarette scene" for example.

I enjoyed the tale, was very keen regarding the time travel itself, which was a memory instead of some watch, car or police box, so that was a nice change.

All in all, a dark, twisted, in parts comic story that is NOT for the young, but certainly packs a punch.

Congrats for completing this OWC, very good stuff.

-Lee

This one definitely had a macabre overtone throughout.

Never thought about it, but a seven foot hellfire sermon priest is an awesome character, not to mention wicked creepy. Nice visual there.

"Bradley’s eyes bulge, face red, his legs kick." I remember a friend who used to be an undertaker, (seriously) he said that they called people who committed suicide by hanging 'Dancers', because they never broke their neck, they just strangulated themselves, kicking and clawing at their throat. After remembering this, I had no problem falling into the right frame of mind to digest this.

Besides the incest, this was actually a cool read for me. I can really dig a horror lair scene when it has lucid descriptions.

One thing that threw me though was the final hospital scene. I understood what was happening, and did happen in the end, but the concept just doesn't gel. In my neck of the woods, tax payers would cough up somewhere near 1 Million per year to keep a high profile prisoner behind bars, but would pay somewhere near 1.7 Million to keep someone alive in ICU.

For the powers that be, to keep this killer alive for several years just to pull the plug on him the minute he wakes up from a coma?

All in all, a solid read. You didn't lose me and I went through this... twice, just to be sure I got it down. Good work!

This was okay-ish. I think the concept works on paper. The execution needs some work but you've definitely got a solid base to go on. I appreciated your desire to push the envelope with this one but a lot of the gross out elements (e.g. incest) felt more campy than dark. The incest, in particular, reminded me of an old script posted here called Spoiled, which is frankly hard to top in the fucked up department.

The biggest issues here were time travel-related. First off, we never understand the means by which Bradley's able to travel back in time. I know in the main thread, it was mentioned that that's not necessarily required but here, it's just so incredibly vague, I feel like it needs at least a reference of some kind. I mean, if it weren't for the OWC context, I might not even have figured this as a time travel script.

More pressing is the fact that when Bradley goes back in time, he doesn't seem to remember anything from the future, which leads me to wonder what incentive, if any, he has to change this time around. Honestly, I think if he were really transported back into the mindset of his teenaged self, he would've killed everyone all over again.

The priest character was strange. What with the intro of Bradley masturbating, I expected something more cliche. I'm glad that wasn't the case. Still, his motives are vague, especially with him pulling the plug on Bradley in the end. Why would a priest of all people do something like this?

Good concept. Needs work.

I wanted to like this one more than I did. This was a case of a weaker execution to an idea that had merit. I'm cool with the idea of someone granting someone else the chance to go back in time to fix something, but the fix here wasn't anything particularly special. It's was kind of a let-down and the over-the-top-ness of it didn't really help matters too much because the script suffered from genre issues.

C-.

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 6 - Getting a bit too over the top here and we're most likely in NC 17 territory already.  On Page 7, she's now "tugging at his flacid penis", which is highly unlikely something you can show onscreen.

We really should get a new thread started on that subject.

--Steve

Hello!

Rape incest? How far is that away from the time travel theme?

Teen Bradley is an interesting character. His upbringing seems to be one of the heaviest possible ever shown. I don't know why you put such a character into a stated theme. That can't work. The problem is just bigger and deeper than anything in case of time travel. He's born in hell.

It doesn't deserve a mix up with a science fiction theme. If Priest should be the incarnation of the evil I just can repeat myself: The fictive pure evil Character is just weak. We're far behind such things in film. It isn't clever anymore. It doesn't surprise anymore.

The only possibility is to give a huge profile to it, almost the leading role and the main point around which everything's moving; like in - The Devil’s Advocate

Very simple tale in a lot of ways, touching on some uncomfortable subject matter. Have to agree with some posters that maybe the priest could have worked hader to get the redemption angle out of Bradley

Writing was pretty good throughout, and there was a couple of nice turns.

Bit of a sad ending, but I'm guessing the guy went to heaven seeing as he did the right thing, but I'm not too sure the ending was completely up there.

But this was well-told, and there was good focus on what turned the guy into what he was, but not a great deal of it pivotted on time-travel.

Just read Jeff's take on the ending - could be open to either I guess, but that might be deliberate??

Quoted from irish eyes Ok Rod Serling (Twilight Zone creator) and a native of Upstate New York Wow! this is a beautiful love story. Grown up son masterbates in front of priest Mom fucks man Mom kills man Mom unstraps son Mom fucks son Mom gets son to kill man's family Son refuses, gets Brain damage Priest puts son to sleep for all his help Just beautiful   Mark

Just seen this.  Isn't it gorgeous

Well said mark. Writer I'm not knocking you more than my review, I just liked marks summary.

This stands out as more of a horror that any of the others, so kudos for that.

As others have said, this is pretty twisted shit, but I think it works for this script. I also agree that the 'time travel' bit is very jarring - needs more.

I'm a bit up in the air with this. To be honest, I don't like the story. I didn't really like Bradley - at any stage, even with the priest telling him about the lives he saved, and didn't really feel for him. Then again, as a horror, this still kind of works. I think I just really didn't like Bradley and the opening scene really doesn't give a good impression of him or how he has 'changed'.

I did like how this ended though. I thought the priest pulling the plug was a good move.    

Good effort.

Renee

Thanks for the reviews. Well done to all those who got that the Priest was a messenger from God and that Bradley was fighting for his soul and not his life, which has always been and forever would be, worthless.

I did want people to question at the end whether or not the Priest was good or evil, but there is enough within the script to get it, so I didn't expect that it would take people too long. I imagined just a few seconds... but the answer should be obvious.

I didn't want to write the usual 'deal with the Devil' story. So I figured, write a deal with God, instead. For those that enjoyed the read, thanks. For those that didn't, meh.

I will respond to a couple of the negatives though.

The Samurai sword. I agree, that really is too easy. I should have been far more inventive there, and after it was pointed out my mind was a whir of original kill moves. I'll put one in on a rewrite.

The ease with which Bradley turns, despite the information imparted that he's been praying at night, prior to when we arrive in the story, is still an issue I feel, and maybe an extra line of dialogue or two will help force that information in, I do agree that it is sketchy at present.

I knew that one problem with this tale would be the likeability of Bradley, but I didn't care. I wanted to tell a twisted tale, and that's what this is. Characters don't have to be likeable, things just have to be twisted.

Also, on starting too many lines with the character's name, that is excellent and something I hadn't noticed before. It is lazy and something I have since rectified. Thank you.

Second Chances

Humorous from the first few passages, then it got interesting, got weird, got really weird, came back around, and ended alright.  Writing was good, although sometimes I got confused story-wise.

I liked the ending, but I think it deserved a better context than the pointless set-up before it.  I wasn't offended by Mom, it explores motivation, but it was over the top and really unnecessary for Bradley's change of heart.  His evil should be something he truly needs, and struggles with.

Not bad, points for creativity.

Johnny

Some good points, thanks. I am going to do another draft of this one day very soon as it was enjoyable to write. Thanks to all the negatives I can go on to make a much better story.

Thanks to everyone that took time out to review.