Hey Dustin,

Sorry that I never got to this one. I had a list to help me keep track, but I lost my list and...Well, you know the rest.

This was really well written, I think. I like your descriptions. Concise, to the point, not filled with too much detail that makes descriptions so boring. Also enjoyed how you noted how Priest was as tall as the door frame--just liked that for some reason.

Your story flowed pretty well, but--and maybe I'm just tired--you lost me a little on your transition into Becky's room. I'm not going back, and I'm sure it's written correctly, but somehow I got a little list before I picked it back up as to how we got to this girls bedroom.

Anyhow, sick, twisted stuff with mommy. Shocking actually. I think that sets your tale apart, and not really in a good way. I just think you got way too vulgar with mommy asking her son, "want me to s&$k you d@&k?"  I mean, was that really necessary?  I think the creep factor would have been better served had you shown us something else, like mommy making out with him or kissing his neck. You'd get your point across just the same without a shock factor 10.

Anyway, I liked your story a lot. I dug the ending too. I don't wanna say for sure I would've voted for this, but this one definitely has caught my attention.

Steve

Thanks for the review Steve, appreciated. I don't think I'd drop that bit as it is one of my favourite parts. It makes me chuckle and doesn't shock me at all.

I'm going to do a second draft on this one soon, strengthen those weaker areas.

Just noticed that this has been annunced as a finalist in the Short Screenplay Contest run by Cherub Films - good luck Dustin.

Cheers mate, appreciated. Good luck to you too. Although I hope I win... if I don't, then I'd rather it was you.

Nice, Dustin. Good luck on the #1 spot!

Cheers mate. I've recently turned this into a short story and in my opinion it's a lot better. A shame I couldn't get around to incorporating the ideas from the short story into the script before entering this comp though.

I sent the short to one magazine and was told it wasn't their thing. Wouldn't be the first person that the mother/son relationship in this story offended. So it's definitely not for everyone. Even my producer partner suggested that we should make this but we'd have to change the mother/son thing. No way, I said. Everyone knows psychos are raised having sex with their mothers.

And vice versa mate...

Good luck with getting the short published somewhere, I wouldn't change it either... then again I found redeeming qualities in 'Murder Set Pieces'

Grats and good luck in the finals, Dustin! And to Anthony, as well. Hope one of you claims the first spot.

Do you happen to have a link to the competition? Googling doesn't seem to get me to the right place at the moment...

Link to the site is - http://www.shortscreenplaycontest.com/

Blog with updates is - http://shortscreenplaycontest.blogspot.co.uk/

And yes, hopefully one of us will win

Anthony

I discovered it through the ISA. I found the $15 entry fee the most attractive thing.

I checked them out, at first I thought they were an Australian film company and believed that until I rechecked recently and discovered they are actually a different American company that specialise in video distribution. I also know how many people are employed by the business and their annual turnover.

some deep googling their Dustin...

I liked the entry fee too, the poker player in me liked the implied odds