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Chose this one for my second read because: A) Hadn't had a read yet, and; B) It featured the most intriguing logline/ concept.
Ok, we're off to a great start. Loved the opening page. This is my type of script: finding humour in life's darkest moments. If the rest of the script continues in this light, we might have ourselves a winner.
Bradley's sudden conversion to wanting a second chance came about a little too sudden for my liking. I'd have liked a little bit more back-and-forth before Bradley admitted he wanted this, given his initial bad-ass persona. But given the page limit place on entries, this wasn't too much of an issue.
Fuck me, we're entering some real twisted territory here!
Haha, real twisted indeed!
Not really sure why Brad's mum wants him to kill the family? I mean, I know Brad's mum says that they're guilty as well... but of what?
Page 8- Didn't like this line of Bradley's: "I...I don’t know what to do." Thought the scene would have been better without that.
So Bradley's second chance is that he is going to heaven, not hell? Or have I totally misunderstood this? Haha.
Quite an attention grabbing intro. And it continues to even more brutal territory. Definitely not for the weak of heart. I like the moment when the priest showed how savage he could be, in the jail cell. It was interesting to meet the serial killer then discover why he would do the things he did. Why he would kill young girls and such. I liked how you used time travel to demonstrate howa killer can become so evil. But since I'm a scifi nerd I wanted to see the time machine or learn about the technology.
When he travels back and changes his life I was disappointed to realize he was in a coma and is paralyzed. I was hoping for a second chance once I knew it was his mom's fault. But this isn't that type of deal is it. This is dark and savage. I also wish you told more about the survivors and their new lives.
The end confused me. Is he travelling again or just dead? Maybe it will come to me. I m sure that's what you wanted though. A mysterious twist ending.
Uneven. Brutally violent, but contemplative tale of nurture vs nature.
You start just about every action line with the characters name. It’s off putting and sooooo monotonous. EX: Page 3 – Priest grabs/Bradley’s eyes/Bradley rubs/Bradley scowls/Bradley shakes/Priest flips/Bradley stares – This is just boring to read I’m sorry to say.
I like dark stories but not really feeling this one. Lots of dialog, lots of sex, violence, then the end was just exposition. Bradley was totally one dimensional. I had no emotion for him at all. I should have at least felt sorry for him at some point but I didn’t. Didn’t care that he died. It all felt too forced and the writing is just lifeless. Lean writing is good but there is such a thing as too lean.
Just like Teen Bradley - you have some sick imagination. I liked the twist but everyone and everything in your story is so filthy and sick... THe characters are revolting. I'd like them if they were interesting but revolting but they are not fun to read about. I don't see much about Bradley to root for him, so... Not something I'd want to see on screen, sorry.
But it was a fast read. So I'd prefer this read to a few others.
Had a few problems with this one. The creepiness factor is more laughable than actually being creepy. So none of the other stuff comes across the way you want it to and instead, comes way over the top. A samurai sword made no sense and I'm not sure that this had time travel in it -- maybe some kind of memory swap instead.
The story just isn't paced well. A lot of chugging and stopping. Our main character isn't relatable at all, especially when you introduce him as a serial killer who kills women and children - and seems as if he shows no remorse. He may think otherwise but one line of dialogue isn't going to change my opinion. It's just not a good way to start a script. The mother feels like an afterthought and I don't like the fact that it wasn't Bradley's fault he kills the children. The blame should be on him and not because his mother was a bitch. But that's personal preference.
If Bradley is lying in bed, "furiously masterbating", how would we know he's tall?
Page 2 - If I were Priest, I sure as shit wouldn't be sitting on a bed right after some scumbag whacked off there. You get me?
"Priest flips open a Zippo..." - way too long winded in this sentence.
Page 4 - interesting setup, and decently written and put together. You nailed Bradley as a total scumbag and Priest as a toughass mystery figure. Let's see where we go...
I say this again and again, but most just don't get it - Slugs can be your bestest buddy if you understand how you can use them to your advantage...and your reader's advantage. Writing generic, bland Slugs like, INT. BEDROOM just don't cut it. This is BRADLEY'S BEDROOM, or maybe GREENOUSE HOUSE - BRADLEY'S BEDROOM to be more exact.
Page 5 - the scene with "MOM" is troubling in a few ways. Just reading "Mom" as the character name fusking a "Customer" seems wierd...and wrong. Also, if the Customer is on the bottom, as in on his back, when Mom runs him through with a convienently placed Samarai sword under the bed, of all things, how would we or anyone see it exit out his spine? What does that even mean? I don't buy this happening, as anyone who is a killer like this, would eventually find themselves busted if they're killing in their own home. Phoensa re used to set up these "dates" so I don't think she'd be offing them so violently, rigt in her own bed.
Page 6 - Getting a bit too over the top here and we're most likely in NC 17 territory already. On Page 7, she's now "tugging at his flacid penis", which is highly unlikely something you can show onscreen.
I don't like naming this character, "Teen Bradley". Doesn't sound good at all.
Page 9 - Now it's "Teen Bradly this and Teen Bradley that. Not reading well at all.
Customer's Wife with a claw hammer? WTF? If this were 15 pages long, I'd bale here, but with only 2 to go, I'll stay in and see how this wraps up.
And I'm glad I did! Nice ending...sure didn't see that coming. You wrapped it up very impressively.
BUT, there's no actual time travel here and as written, it's not something that could ever be produced - it's too graphic, too over the top, and doesn't have any characters that anyone would want to watch onscreen.
I appreciate what you tried to do here, but as written, it doesn't work, nor does it meet the challange guidelines.
Congrats on entering htis difficult oWC challenge.
Great opening page, funny, yet disturbing. No mention or showing of time travel. Bradley appears to have a bad dream and believes to know how things will change for him in the future instead. The mother killing the customer with a Samurai sword was a bit out of left field as was her reasoning for why the customers family had to die. It's possible I missed something on that. Overall, a fun read. Maybe, I'm a bit twisted myself. lol.
The writing was good especially for 10 days. Really enjoyed the ending. Great job on that.
I've changed - from the man that was beating off in front of a preist! Hate to see him before.
Well that was lovely, heart warming..... Mind you it didn't change tone, we knew that from the first scene.
Actually I liked the last scene, the reward for goodness being the removal of a life sentence of coma, sickness etec rather than a gift, or monetary reward etc
Overall a little too heavy on the shock factor, it only needed one or two with the rest dealing with the consequences. I wasn't sure about the mother killing the customer in her home like that. Didn't seem realistic, if I knew what was realistic, or should I say persuasive. I wasn't sure about why they are in the girls house and would she really say can I take by teddy?
A bad boy, given a second chance is a good start, just not sure this worked for me. If there was a predatory element to the mother I feel this should have been on the road, rather than in the home. Also the sexual relationship between mother and son could have been handled in a creepy, under current style, which would have had more affect. We would then understood the weird relationship and the distorting consequences.
I'm no expert but from what I know killers do come from weird homes, but not necessarily from killers homes.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Great beginning and end, the middle didn’t work for me.
I loved the interaction between Priest and Bradley but nothing in that scene shows that Bradley has ‘changed’. Still it was good, kept me interested.
The whole MOM thing is really OTT. She kills a guy with a samurai sword after she’s had sex with him simply because he wouldn’t give her a tip? If she was going to kill and rob him, she could have done that before the sex, even before she got him in the house. Now she has gallons of blood and a body to clear up from her own bedroom.
I know you make out she's mental but that type of mental would have been caught and locked up many years ago with her zero control over her psychosis.
It’s not the shock factor that bothers me, it’s the fact that you are trying to make out Bradley is who he is because of his psychotic mother, but that amount of abuse would have had serious mental damage on Bradley and no ‘change of heart’ would happen nor a second chance would change that; it would take many years of therapy. I just didn’t buy it.
But the ending is great. I really like the idea that he’s saved his soul rather than some cutesy ending where he gets to live his life happy ever after.
Well done on a solid entry overall and for completing this OWC.
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This one had moments. I liked the general concept and the story. The tough Priest intro was cool. As was the unique time travel concept and the general theme of redemption.
Yeah, there were a few orphans scattered about. And teen Bradley's "Mommy" situation was far too over the top for me. I know you're purposely going for a psychological sick sitution in order to explain what turned Bradley into the killer he is...but it felt cliche and exaggerated for me. Right on the *edge* of gross for grossness sake. (As was the masturbation bit - although it did in fact fit the character.)
Nice ending. One suggestion - the transition from present day to the past needed more of an explanation. Have the Priest grab Bradley's wrist, followed by a flash...or *something*. Anything to denote the jump in time. Because otherwise, it definitely wouldn't work onscreen.
I'm not the writer, but IMO, some may be missing something here that just came to me, as I read the feedback.
IMO, Priest ain't no Priest. More likely, Mr. Evil himself.
I think there's a line in here near the end where Priest laughs and says the dude's mom would see him in Hell...and where do you think he's going when he pulls the plug?
Ha? Possible? You get me? Not sure, but this one made me think and that's always a good sign.
Ok Rod Serling (Twilight Zone creator) and a native of Upstate New York
Wow! this is a beautiful love story.
Grown up son masterbates in front of priest Mom fucks man Mom kills man Mom unstraps son Mom fucks son Mom gets son to kill man's family Son refuses, gets Brain damage Priest puts son to sleep for all his help
Well, that's an unusual opening. Have to say it is quite well written, a severe lack of typos and, mercifully, a lack of ellipses.
It's a pet peeve of mine in films when cigarettes get stubbed out almost as soon as they're lit then another one is fired up moments later. Er, not sure why I had to share that. Maybe it's to get that image of him, erm. Anyway...
Ah, the second orgasm in five pages. This one walks on the wilder side of things. I'm not sure what to think. I can't say I enjoyed the end. I think it was the piece of paper that took the wind out of its sails. But, it's one of the better written scripts so far, and it does tend to stick in the mind.
Pg 4 “I’ll do whatever it takes. If I could turn back the clock, I would” Even if Bradley’s coming around, I wouldn’t expect him to express it so freely.
Pg 5 “eyes full of accusation” seems an odd choice of words. Isn’t that reserved for when the crime may be in doubt. But she definitely just ran him through with a sword.
Pg 6 TEEN BRADLEY briefly becomes BRADLEY again.
Pg 8 I think if this played on screen it wouldn’t be clear that this is the Customer’s house, or his family.
I’m not entirely sure if people who can converse freely get hooked up to life support machines. But if they do, they certainly don’t die immediately upon removing the support. If you can talk, you can breathe. If you can breathe, then you’re starving to death.
This was definitely well written and the structure is sound. The ending is nice too (though I’m not sure if I should be seeing it as a solace or as one last nasty bit).
That said, for all the shocking material it actually felt sort of listless to me. I never really felt like I understood what was making Bradley tick and the interplay between him and his Mom could’ve benefited from a less is more approach. If she’s the reason, then they should be connected in their insanity, but I didn’t feel the connection. It might be a tall order to ask you to hook me in emotionally with a character like Bradley, but if that were there I’d be all in on this one.
Priest seems more like a Reaper to me than a man of god...
This one was... well, it was a bit... no, it was very, VERY twisted. Grinding, masturbating, killing... midway through this my mind was thinking "what in the hell is going on?", seriously, who has a "mom" like that? lol.
Anyways, I liked it. Very cautionary, not for the faint of heart, certainly aimed at a mature audience. Dialogue flowed well. Action/slugs were defined and natural, apart from a few instances "lighter/cigarette scene" for example.
I enjoyed the tale, was very keen regarding the time travel itself, which was a memory instead of some watch, car or police box, so that was a nice change.
All in all, a dark, twisted, in parts comic story that is NOT for the young, but certainly packs a punch.
Congrats for completing this OWC, very good stuff.
This one definitely had a macabre overtone throughout.
Never thought about it, but a seven foot hellfire sermon priest is an awesome character, not to mention wicked creepy. Nice visual there.
"Bradley’s eyes bulge, face red, his legs kick." I remember a friend who used to be an undertaker, (seriously) he said that they called people who committed suicide by hanging 'Dancers', because they never broke their neck, they just strangulated themselves, kicking and clawing at their throat. After remembering this, I had no problem falling into the right frame of mind to digest this.
Besides the incest, this was actually a cool read for me. I can really dig a horror lair scene when it has lucid descriptions.
One thing that threw me though was the final hospital scene. I understood what was happening, and did happen in the end, but the concept just doesn't gel. In my neck of the woods, tax payers would cough up somewhere near 1 Million per year to keep a high profile prisoner behind bars, but would pay somewhere near 1.7 Million to keep someone alive in ICU.
For the powers that be, to keep this killer alive for several years just to pull the plug on him the minute he wakes up from a coma?
All in all, a solid read. You didn't lose me and I went through this... twice, just to be sure I got it down. Good work!
This was okay-ish. I think the concept works on paper. The execution needs some work but you've definitely got a solid base to go on. I appreciated your desire to push the envelope with this one but a lot of the gross out elements (e.g. incest) felt more campy than dark. The incest, in particular, reminded me of an old script posted here called Spoiled, which is frankly hard to top in the fucked up department.
The biggest issues here were time travel-related. First off, we never understand the means by which Bradley's able to travel back in time. I know in the main thread, it was mentioned that that's not necessarily required but here, it's just so incredibly vague, I feel like it needs at least a reference of some kind. I mean, if it weren't for the OWC context, I might not even have figured this as a time travel script.
More pressing is the fact that when Bradley goes back in time, he doesn't seem to remember anything from the future, which leads me to wonder what incentive, if any, he has to change this time around. Honestly, I think if he were really transported back into the mindset of his teenaged self, he would've killed everyone all over again.
The priest character was strange. What with the intro of Bradley masturbating, I expected something more cliche. I'm glad that wasn't the case. Still, his motives are vague, especially with him pulling the plug on Bradley in the end. Why would a priest of all people do something like this?
I wanted to like this one more than I did. This was a case of a weaker execution to an idea that had merit. I'm cool with the idea of someone granting someone else the chance to go back in time to fix something, but the fix here wasn't anything particularly special. It's was kind of a let-down and the over-the-top-ness of it didn't really help matters too much because the script suffered from genre issues.
Page 6 - Getting a bit too over the top here and we're most likely in NC 17 territory already. On Page 7, she's now "tugging at his flacid penis", which is highly unlikely something you can show onscreen.
We really should get a new thread started on that subject.
Rape incest? How far is that away from the time travel theme?
Teen Bradley is an interesting character. His upbringing seems to be one of the heaviest possible ever shown. I don't know why you put such a character into a stated theme. That can't work. The problem is just bigger and deeper than anything in case of time travel. He's born in hell.
It doesn't deserve a mix up with a science fiction theme. If Priest should be the incarnation of the evil I just can repeat myself: The fictive pure evil Character is just weak. We're far behind such things in film. It isn't clever anymore. It doesn't surprise anymore.
The only possibility is to give a huge profile to it, almost the leading role and the main point around which everything's moving; like in - The Devil’s Advocate
Very simple tale in a lot of ways, touching on some uncomfortable subject matter. Have to agree with some posters that maybe the priest could have worked hader to get the redemption angle out of Bradley
Writing was pretty good throughout, and there was a couple of nice turns.
Bit of a sad ending, but I'm guessing the guy went to heaven seeing as he did the right thing, but I'm not too sure the ending was completely up there.
But this was well-told, and there was good focus on what turned the guy into what he was, but not a great deal of it pivotted on time-travel.
Just read Jeff's take on the ending - could be open to either I guess, but that might be deliberate??
Ok Rod Serling (Twilight Zone creator) and a native of Upstate New York
Wow! this is a beautiful love story.
Grown up son masterbates in front of priest Mom fucks man Mom kills man Mom unstraps son Mom fucks son Mom gets son to kill man's family Son refuses, gets Brain damage Priest puts son to sleep for all his help
Just beautiful
Mark
Just seen this. Isn't it gorgeous
Well said mark. Writer I'm not knocking you more than my review, I just liked marks summary.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
This stands out as more of a horror that any of the others, so kudos for that.
As others have said, this is pretty twisted shit, but I think it works for this script. I also agree that the 'time travel' bit is very jarring - needs more.
I'm a bit up in the air with this. To be honest, I don't like the story. I didn't really like Bradley - at any stage, even with the priest telling him about the lives he saved, and didn't really feel for him. Then again, as a horror, this still kind of works. I think I just really didn't like Bradley and the opening scene really doesn't give a good impression of him or how he has 'changed'.
I did like how this ended though. I thought the priest pulling the plug was a good move.
Thanks for the reviews. Well done to all those who got that the Priest was a messenger from God and that Bradley was fighting for his soul and not his life, which has always been and forever would be, worthless.
I did want people to question at the end whether or not the Priest was good or evil, but there is enough within the script to get it, so I didn't expect that it would take people too long. I imagined just a few seconds... but the answer should be obvious.
I didn't want to write the usual 'deal with the Devil' story. So I figured, write a deal with God, instead. For those that enjoyed the read, thanks. For those that didn't, meh.
I will respond to a couple of the negatives though.
The Samurai sword. I agree, that really is too easy. I should have been far more inventive there, and after it was pointed out my mind was a whir of original kill moves. I'll put one in on a rewrite.
The ease with which Bradley turns, despite the information imparted that he's been praying at night, prior to when we arrive in the story, is still an issue I feel, and maybe an extra line of dialogue or two will help force that information in, I do agree that it is sketchy at present.
I knew that one problem with this tale would be the likeability of Bradley, but I didn't care. I wanted to tell a twisted tale, and that's what this is. Characters don't have to be likeable, things just have to be twisted.
Also, on starting too many lines with the character's name, that is excellent and something I hadn't noticed before. It is lazy and something I have since rectified. Thank you.
Humorous from the first few passages, then it got interesting, got weird, got really weird, came back around, and ended alright. Writing was good, although sometimes I got confused story-wise.
I liked the ending, but I think it deserved a better context than the pointless set-up before it. I wasn't offended by Mom, it explores motivation, but it was over the top and really unnecessary for Bradley's change of heart. His evil should be something he truly needs, and struggles with.
Some good points, thanks. I am going to do another draft of this one day very soon as it was enjoyable to write. Thanks to all the negatives I can go on to make a much better story.
Sorry that I never got to this one. I had a list to help me keep track, but I lost my list and...Well, you know the rest.
This was really well written, I think. I like your descriptions. Concise, to the point, not filled with too much detail that makes descriptions so boring. Also enjoyed how you noted how Priest was as tall as the door frame--just liked that for some reason.
Your story flowed pretty well, but--and maybe I'm just tired--you lost me a little on your transition into Becky's room. I'm not going back, and I'm sure it's written correctly, but somehow I got a little list before I picked it back up as to how we got to this girls bedroom.
Anyhow, sick, twisted stuff with mommy. Shocking actually. I think that sets your tale apart, and not really in a good way. I just think you got way too vulgar with mommy asking her son, "want me to s&$k you d@&k?" I mean, was that really necessary? I think the creep factor would have been better served had you shown us something else, like mommy making out with him or kissing his neck. You'd get your point across just the same without a shock factor 10.
Anyway, I liked your story a lot. I dug the ending too. I don't wanna say for sure I would've voted for this, but this one definitely has caught my attention.
Thanks for the review Steve, appreciated. I don't think I'd drop that bit as it is one of my favourite parts. It makes me chuckle and doesn't shock me at all.
I'm going to do a second draft on this one soon, strengthen those weaker areas.
Cheers mate. I've recently turned this into a short story and in my opinion it's a lot better. A shame I couldn't get around to incorporating the ideas from the short story into the script before entering this comp though.
I sent the short to one magazine and was told it wasn't their thing. Wouldn't be the first person that the mother/son relationship in this story offended. So it's definitely not for everyone. Even my producer partner suggested that we should make this but we'd have to change the mother/son thing. No way, I said. Everyone knows psychos are raised having sex with their mothers.
I discovered it through the ISA. I found the $15 entry fee the most attractive thing.
I checked them out, at first I thought they were an Australian film company and believed that until I rechecked recently and discovered they are actually a different American company that specialise in video distribution. I also know how many people are employed by the business and their annual turnover.
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