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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2014 - One Week Challenge  ›  Better This Way - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde, dabrast
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  Author    Better This Way - OWC  (currently 3761 views)
wonkavite
Posted: January 15th, 2014, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
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One of my favorites (or, as I'm writing these days) at least one of my top five to seven.

There wasn't anything overly surprising here - but what was done was well executed.  The interlap of the alternative jumps/universes blended well, and I cared about the characters.  Which - of course - is the hallmark of a good story.  So - kudos!  Doing a time travel piece about Hitler (sort of) has the potential to be hokey, trite and/or maudlin.  You pulled this off in a very satisfactory way.  Kudos!

--Wonka (J)
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c m hall
Posted: January 17th, 2014, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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I very much like the harp image and the characters of Cassandra and Eli are interesting.  I have difficulty imagining this as an entertaining short film -- on the other hand, it could be a very good opening teaser to a work that develops the parallel and possibly intersecting stories hinted at in this work.

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c m hall  -  January 19th, 2014, 10:33am
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rendevous
Posted: January 17th, 2014, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure about prelap in a spec script. Especially on the first page. It's a nice device but works far better on screen than on the page.

Being over familiar with the show 'Only Fools and Horses' makes me associate the name Cassandra with Rodney's girlfriend. Particularly since Roger Lloyd Pack died the other day. Rest in Peace, Dave!

Erm, if you've no idea what I'm on about you are not alone. Back to the script...

This was going along quite well. Bit overwrought for me, but nevertheless one of the better ones. Ah, the Men in Black 3 style of jump.

It's an interesting premise and I quite like it. But the logic wobbles a bit, in my humble. On page six she sounds like she's taking for our benefit, rather than from her own point of view. If she's a seasoned time traveller who did the things she says she did, I think her point of view would be different. She may well be angry, but she wouldn't talk the way she did, as she knows more than he does she'd explain it differently. You may disagree.

'A serious looking boy.' That did make me laugh.

On page 8 you have a German speaker speak German. Well, that's fine and dandy for all those who do speak German but pointless for those who don't.  It's better to write it in English then clarify it's spoken German in parenthesis.

After all that moaning I must say I rather liked this. It's one of the more ambitious scripts and yes, it almost disappears up it's own bottom at times, but I think a lot of the ideas and scenes here are really good.

Here's one of my grumbles about this though. Why's it always Hitler? How about you go back and kill Woodrow Wilson? He got re-elected on the the slogan of keeping America out of the war then promptly got into the war. And we think our politicians are deceptive. If he hadn't you'd have no Treaty of Versailles and Adolf Hitler would probably be a penniless painter destined for obscurity.

Now, why didn't I think of that a couple of weeks ago.  


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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CoopBazinga
Posted: January 20th, 2014, 12:25am Report to Moderator
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No FADE IN? Where's the "FADE IN" police when you need them! Other than that little mishap, which isn't a mishap really because I'm joking, this was a crisply written piece. I think there was some slug issues, a few missing words but on the whole - nice tight writing for 10 days so good job.

But let's get on to the important thing which is the story.I liked it overall, a different approach here but I had issues, or should I say observations, as in Cassandra is trying to stop Eli from jumping because it's destroying worlds but isn't she doing the same thing by chasing him? Maybe I'm just a little bit "timed" out now, but some of the plot went right over my head here.

I thought it was a bold choice to have Eli kill Hitler as a child and it was something I wish you'd played around with and how this not only effected the present world (which you did)  but also Eli personally - a missed opportunity IMO.

All grumbles aside, this was a strong premise and well executed. I do think Eli could be better worked as in his reaction to killing a child and the morals of that even in spite of his beliefs - also think the Cassandra/Eli relationship could have been better developed at the beginning, tone down on the exposition and work that angle which could make the ending stronger.

Otherwise, good work.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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SteveUK
Posted: January 20th, 2014, 5:59am Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed this. Yes, it's a clichéd story, but it's very well written and you've created two interesting and fully formed central characters.

The dialogue was good for the most part, but it felt like there was too much exposition at the beginning. This could easily be trimmed back without losing anything from the story.

I liked the ballsy approach of Eli having to kill young Hitler (kinda reminded me of Looper) and I liked that Cassandra had to turn against Eli to stop him from potentially destroying worlds. This does bring me onto one thing that bugged me:  Why has Eli jumped so many times? Cassandra tells him that so far he's jumped 286 times and he has to stop. 286 times?!? What has he been doing that's warranted him needing to jump in time 286 times?

Overall though, this was a solid script and was enjoyable to read. Well done!
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DV44
Posted: January 20th, 2014, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed this. I loved your take on what could happen had someone killed Hitler before he ruled Germany. I thought you were in total control of the plot. Writing was excellent. My only nitpick is agreeing with SteveUK above me, why did Eli have to stop jumping after 286 times? And why did he have to jump so many times? Regardless, it was a fun read and one of my favs.

Congrats on completing the OWC.
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SAC
Posted: January 20th, 2014, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

This was pretty good. It read very well, dialogue was pretty natural it seems. Yeah. Def like it. But I got lost, sorry to say. Eli jumped back and forth so many times it seems. I could not figure out what was going on it what was happening most of the time. I think this piece is just too complicated for its own good.

Not to say I didn't enjoy it. I did. But after a while I just gave up trying to figure out what was what. Perhaps I missed something. Sorry if I did.

Congrats on entering!

Steve


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EWall433
Posted: January 23rd, 2014, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed! I’m gonna try to explain a little of what was going on here. It might take awhile  

I think the best way to address the confusing elements of this story, is to simply re-tell the story from Cassandra’s POV.

At the start, Eli jumps away from Cassandra (25). Cassandra is able to monitor his progress using a computer program. In order for this program to be able to monitor different time streams, it essentially has a POV from outside of time. When Eli jumps, it reveals two things:

1) The original timeline (the one Cassandra still resides in) has not changed at all. So when Eli “changes” things, he’s not eliminating or altering his original timeline. He is simply creating new ones and being thrust deeper into this sort of Forest of Time. Of course he doesn’t realize this, so he can’t do anything to correct it. This was important thematically, because it means Eli’s quest to ‘fix things’ is a completely quixotic mission. Basically Eli’s jumping isn’t just dangerous, it’s the only danger.

2) When seen from ‘outside of time’, everything Eli does over the course of his life while in this Forest, seems to happen instantaneously (286 jumps and counting). There is a paradox here. From one view, everything Eli has done has already happened. But from another view, his existence in the timeline represents an ongoing problem (The term ‘feedback loop’ should’ve appeared in this script somewhere, because that accurately describes what Eli’s experience represents. It’s part of the reason he can see future versions of himself). The longer this feedback is allowed to play out, the more it destabilizes all versions of reality.

Cassandra is sent in. Yes, her presence risks making things worse, but ‘do nothing’ is the only other option and that would have catastrophic consequences.

Once she enters, it’s clear that finding Eli won’t be simple. It’s not just a matter of being at the right time, you have to be in the right universe at the right time. But she can still see the effects he’s left on timelines. She can see that by the age of 65, Eli has become the Osama Bin Laden of Nazi resistance (once again, that isn’t some alternate world version of Eli, that’s the Eli). What few encounters she does have with him, reveal him to be “stubborn” and uncooperative.

Eventually (at age 25 still) Cassandra has a chance to set up the ruse depicted. She tries to shock him into some sort of realization, but it doesn’t work and she finds herself having to take a shot at him (something she never imagined she would have to do).

Between 25 and 42, Cassandra has numerous, unsuccessful encounters with Eli. She starts seeing Eli less and less as the person who jumped away from her and more and more as the horrifying terrorist he’s become after the jump.

At 42, the final straw comes when Eli physically assaults her and destroys the document she’s been carrying with her (he basically sabotages her efforts to convince an earlier version of himself). It is within 24 hours of this event that Cassandra just so happens to finally intersect Eli’s original jump point. That event plays out in the script. Because she no longer has evidence and is past trying to explain herself to this man, it is another unsuccessful encounter.

Between 42 and 68, their original timeline becomes one of the many that have collapsed.

For this reason, when a severely wounded Eli (30) just happens materialize in front of her, there is no going back. Theoretically, she could’ve just taken their devices, destroyed them, and let Eli live. However:

1)  Eli is badly injured in a farming village in 1898. If he’s coughing up his own blood, then he’ll probably drown in it without medical attention. Killing him quickly can be seen as a mercy.

2) Keeping him alive will mean having to explain to him the true extent of everything he’s done; from bombing children to destroying their original timeline. Killing him quickly can be seen as a mercy.

In Summary:

Although I was using a Hitler premise, I was trying to do as much as possible to deemphasize the Hitler aspect of it. To me the story was more about Eli and the nature of evil, than Hitler or Nazis. All evil thinks of itself as the necessary kind. When Eli kills a 9 year old it doesn’t really change the history of his old reality, but it reveals all sorts of things about himself and what he’s ultimately capable of.

I wanted Eli’s execution to parallel Hitler’s. They are both being gunned down for reasons they don’t fully comprehend, so confusion needed to be a part of that scene.

To be continued...
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EWall433
Posted: January 23rd, 2014, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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As for some other things:

Exposition. Lots of it. And I actually cut it in half from its original length   The one big change I wish I’d made was to deemphasize the alternate Nazi history, and play up Eli’s disturbing future since that was what the piece was really about (in all honesty I think I started drifting from the criteria). And I don’t doubt those first 4 pages could be condensed to 2 with some work.

Cassandra in the beginning was meant to come across as young, but not stupid. I probably could’ve split the difference better. For the record though, I’ve seen plenty of smart people (Neil Degrasse Tyson for instance) use very casual, conversational language when attempting to simplify complex concepts.

I haven’t seen MIB3. This just seemed liked the easiest, ‘no frills’ way to get these characters moving.

Eli talking to himself. Thought I might squeeze by on that. Clearly I didn’t  

The wig does come off as cheesy and I’m kicking myself for it now. I wanted a visual cue for when Cassandra reveals herself and that’s what I came up with. A far better solution would’ve been to keep the Star of David in play by making it a necklace. Cassandra would always be wearing it, but would hide it for the purpose of this ruse. When she revealed herself, she could’ve simply disclosed the necklace.

As far as what the Star of David meant, it was simply a physical object that represented the connection between Eli and Cassandra. I created it for the final scene to give it a sense of her ‘letting him go’ (after tracking him for 40 years, he’s kind of her white whale).

Finally, some thought I should've added a bit of a twist to the final moment between Hitler and Cassandra. As stated above, I was trying to deemphasize Hitler's importance. What I was trying to get it was not that it's better for Hitler to be alive. It was the idea that Eli had wrought a path of destruction so devastating that the fate of Hitler was unimportant by comparison.

I think that covers just about everything I’m capable of covering. To be honest, I’m still a little confused. But thank you all again for reading and reviewing! It’s been a fun, mind-blowing challenge.

Eric
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: January 29th, 2014, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
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Better This Way

Another interesting take on the Nazi paradox.  I thought some of the writing and descriptions were awkward or unclear at times.

"An unmarked, and unremarkable..."
"Bright red hair frames her incisive facial features."
"...with a CERN logo beside it."

I didn't believe there was enough context to justify Cassie's love for him.  When she finally put Eli down, the stakes weren't as high as they should've been.  I thought young Hitler staring at Eli's body was an interesting visual/twist.

As a whole, not a bad effort.  I couldn't follow the motives here other than Eli is Jewish, which leans on the side of cliché.

Johnny  
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